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Evan's Best Freeloading BBQ Recipes
EVAN'S BEST SUMMER BAR-B-Q RECIPES
***SHISH-KE-BASTARD***
This is for those barbecues where everyone is supposed to bring their
own stuff to put on the grill. Of course, if you're like me, you're
looking for a free meal, not a free place to cook. So, here's what
you need:
- 6 shish-kebab skewers
To prepare, cut off chunks of everyone else's meat while they're not
looking, and stick them on your skewers. Don't worry: no-one will
recognize _their_ Alaskan salmon on _your_ skewers, especially if it's
mixed up with steak and sausages and veggie dogs and stuff.
Put your skewers on the grill, and go get some beer. Ta-da!
Insta-mooch meal.
If you didn't bring shish-kebab skewers... steal those, too!
***I BROUGHT CHIPS***
Another kind of barbecue is the potluck where everyone has to bring
something to share. Fuck that noise. Here's a little recipe perfect
for the potluck called "I Brought Chips". You'll need:
- 1 large paper bag
When you arrive at the door, wave your paper bag around as if you have
something in it (NOTE: don't pretend it's heavy -- chips aren't heavy,
dumbass!). Say your hellos and then walk over to the table where all
the food is, like you're going to unload your bag. When no one's
looking, stash your bag under the table -- there's probably a bunch of
other ones down there already.
Now, fill up yer buffet plate and head for a distant corner. If
anyone asks what you contributed, say "I brought chips" and wave
vaguely toward the table. There's bound to be at least a couple of
bags of chips there (NOTE: Don't be specific about which one you
brought!).
Variations on this recipe include "I brought napkins" and the riskier
"I brought salad." Try 'em!
***CEREAL KILLER PARTY MIX***
This recipe capitalizes on the great success of Chex party mix... with
a little twist!
You'll need:
- Several practically empty boxes of cereal (if you're like
me, you have a lot of these sitting around in your
cupboards)
- Salt and pepper to taste
Combine the dregs of all your cereal boxes into a bowl (I prefer Grape
Nuts, Fruity Pebbles, and Shredded Wheat, but use what's available).
Coat generously with salt and pepper (don't sweat it if they don't
stick to the cereal -- it's the thought that counts). Serve room
temperature.
***THE MAN WHO CAME TO DINNER***
Here's a recipe perfect for a barbecue in the park on a nice day.
You'll need:
- 1 car
- 1 free afternoon
On your free afternoon, drive around your local public parks looking
for signs that say "Kathy's Party TURN HERE". NOTE that you should
_not_ follow signs that just say "Party" or "BBQ". Also, you want
_full_ balloons on the sign, not weeks-old empty balloons.
Follow the signs until you see smoke. If it's only a couple of people
at the BBQ, move on, but if there's a good crowd, park your car and
walk up to the nearest group.
"Hey, where's Kathy? I'm [fake name], a friend from work," you
say. They'll point her out to you. Now, STEER CLEAR OF KATHY, and
enjoy the party!
Fun variations include The Woman Who Came To Dinner and The Couple Who
Came To Dinner (*extremely* effective!). NOTE: The Two or More Random
Suspicious-Looking Guys Who Came to Dinner has _never_ worked... try
splitting up and going to separate parks.
***FUN PARTY GUY COCKTAIL MIX***
In front of your so-called real friends you don't necessarily want to
be caught up as the cheap chiseling bastard that you really are. So,
volunteer to bring cocktails and try this little recipe for those
intimate afternoon soirees. You need:
- Everclear
- Jack Daniels
- Tequila
- Malt Liquor
- Tonic water
- Kern's Guava Nectar
- Canned peaches
- Condensed Milk
- Ice
- Flower Petals for garnish
The beauty of this drink is that it's so fruity that it would throw
into doubt the manhood of any guy who drank it, but so noxiously
alcoholic that the women won't touch it. It can also be helpful to
call the drink by some offensive name -- I usually use "Pussy Fart."
To prepare: throw all the shit in a blender. Make a big show about
fixing it up and how it takes a skilled hand and how you only make it
for your great friends and everything. Really milk this for all it's
worth.
Once the blender is done, walk around with the pitcher and wave it
under people's noses so they know how dangerous it is. "Who's ready
for a Pussy Fart?" says that you're a Good Guy who's always ready to
share. Act a little hurt when they refuse.
Once you're sure no one's foolish enough to actually have a glass, you
can really have some fun challenging your friends' readiness to
"party". Push the guys along in a way that will make them want to
have nothing to do with the stuff, like: "This is what _everybody_
drank when I was at Club Med!" Cajole the women, too, but subtly
imply that if they drink any they'll end up the victim of a sex crime.
Say loudly that "it's right here if anyone wants some," and then drink
all of it yourself. If someone eventually does make the mistake of
reaching for the pitcher, grab their hand and say that you're going to
"make a fresh batch in a few minutes." After the first batch, drink
all the alcoholic ingredients yourself, and throw out the fruity
stuff.
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