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An application to live in Arkansas - great humor
Arkansas State Residency Application
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
(_)Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
Murphy's Laws on Sex
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it
is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going
to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually
the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray
for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground
that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a
lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things
worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had
gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog
stands on the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved
at all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in
the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love
her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when
they fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
How to Kill an Eel
Little Johnny was 12 years-old and like other boys his age, rather curious he had
been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered
what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother
who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining "things" to Johnny she told
him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her
boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything he
saw to his mother...
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the
lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting sick
because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he
put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except
he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her
heart.
I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting
and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it
under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and
squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the
fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
Finally, I found what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his
pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches
long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
Whatchamaclit,when sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her
mouth fell open and she started calling to God and what not. She said it was the
biggest one she'd ever seen - I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a
sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she
grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his
pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis started
moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they
wanted to kill the eel.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up
and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung
there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were
a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started
hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead!!! It jumped straight
up and started to fight again, I guess that eel's are like cat's they have nine lives or
something.
This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute
struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time because I saw
sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!! X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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