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A stupid parody of The Twelve Days of Christmas
Miss Agnes Carter
69 Sugarplum Lane
Des Moines,Ia
December 14, 1987
My Dearest John,
I just recieved your lovely gift, a partridge in a pear tree.
How thoughtful and beautiful. Thank you for the delightful gift.
Love Always,
Agnes
December 15, 1987
Darling John,
Today your beautiful gift arrived, two turtle doves. I just love them
and they remind me of us. I just can't wait to see you and show you
how much I love them.
Always and Forever,
Agnes
December 16, 1987
Well, you sweet romantic devil, you've done it again. Three french
hens! They really are lovely but don't you think they're a little
extravagant? You are so sweet.
See you soon,
Agnes
December 17, 1987
Today when i got home from work there were four calling birds on my
front porch. They really are sweet, but a little loud. I really must
say sweetheart, You're being TOO kind!
Fondly,
Agnes
December 18, 1987
Dear John,
Oh darling, you are just the sweetest man ever. Five golden rings,
one for each finger! They are so beautiful. Thanks so much. To be
honest all those birds squawking was beginning to get on my nerves.
Forever yours,
Agnes
December 19, 1987
Dear John,
I woke up this morning and saw six geese a laying in my backyard. So,
you're back to the birds again huh? PLEASE don't send anymore birds,
the squawking is really giving me a headache, so enough with the
birds OK?
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 20, 1987
John,
I asked you to stop with the fucking birds, didn't I????? Well today
your seven swans a swimming were dumped in my pool. Ever try to clean
a pool with all this bird crap in it? They're running through the
whole house and it is beginning to stink. SO STOP WITH THE FUCKING
BIRDS!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!
Agnes
December 21, 1987
John,
I have had it. I guess you think you're a wit sending eight maids a
milking. Well you're half right. Did you realize that the eight maids
would have eight COWS, along with them? The whole house and yard
smells like a god-damned barnyard. I feel like screaming, but nobody
would hear me over this racket. The neighbors are starting to
complain, and one has reported me to the health department. Thanks
a lot you fucking jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!
Agnes
December 22, 1987
Listen you idiot,
Who do you think I am, P.T. Barnum? You must think i am running a
fucking circus here. Nine pipers piping. Four of them are off key,
four more are trying to get in the milk maids bloomers, and the last
one is looking longingly at the Guernsey with the long eyelashes.
Where do you shop for your gifts, Tortures "R" Us?? I am up to here in
cow shit and the city is going to have my house condemned. Go take a
flying leap you stinking moron.
I HATE YOUR GUTS FOREVER,
Agnes
December 23, 1987
Hey Shithead!!!
What do I have to do to make you understand? Ten ladies dancing. I
don't know how you could call those sluts ladies, they've been
balling the pipers all night long. The cows are sick and have
diarrhea, you stupid sonofabitch. The only good thing that has
happened, is the cows have stomped all over the screeching birds and
are killing them one by one. They couldn't die fast enough for me!!!
I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do!!!!!
YOUR SWORN ENEMY,
Agnes
December 24, 1987
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN NOW!!!!!
Well this is it, eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again! Thankfully the last of
the 23 lousy birds croaked this morning. I am up to my ass in dead
birds and cow shit, and do you have any idea how much these deadbeat
"lords" eat? I'll have to file bankruptcy, thanks to you, you mother-
fucker. I despise the ground you walk on, and if I ever see you again,
You're one dead sonofabitch!
SPITTING ON YOUR GRAVE.....
Agnes
The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe
8756 Main Street
Des Moines, IA
December 25, 1987
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest "gift" of twelve (12)
drummers drumming, and to inform you that Miss Agnes Carter has
retained this office to, in her words, "sue the fucking pants off the
motherfucking sonofabitch". We are confident that the court will
agree that damages in this case are extreme. Miss Carters' house has
been condemned by the health department, the animal protection society
has placed her on their top ten list of wanted animal abusers, and
four pregnant milk maids are suing her for child support. Naturally
we are counter suing you as the cause of all of this. Have a Merry
Christmas, and we will see you in court.
Sincerely yours,
J. Cheatem
Attorney at Law
P.S. Any further personal correspondence to Miss Carter should be
sent in care of the Happy Dale Sanitarium.
JC/dm
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