Get a Job!

by Twilight_Orange

So, you want to get a job, but there is a problem. You have no ambition (IE: You're a lazy bastard that dosen't leave the computer). Well you lazy fucker, their may be hope for you yet! Read on to find out how you can get a job with no ambition.

First off, drugs are your friend. To be more specific, amphetimines are your friend. ADD medications such as Adderall and Dexidrin will turn the most lazy person turn into someone with ambition. You will be able to search for a job, and more importatly, you will HAVE FUN while you're doing it. I know, if you happen to be over 18 and live in the US, you will most likley get drug tested upon being hired, but we have to covered there too. Amphetimines will clear your system in 1-2 days. So, once you get called for a interview, stop taking them and you should be clean by the time you have to report for a drug test. If you happen to be under 18, even better, you don't have to worry about it.

Secondly, there are many people who will take job applications online. Whats that, you say? I can look for a job while looking up porn? That's right! A lot of major companys (Albersons, Circuit City, Best Buy, Blockbuster Video) take applications online, and some of them even do this exclusivly (so you don't look like a lazy bastard!). I know some people think that filling out a application online is a waste of time, but I can personaly vouch for the fact that it works (I've gotten called for interviews from places i've applyed online). For a list of companies that will take your application online, go you http://www.unicru.com and click on clients, then go to the clients website and look for a link labled "careers".

So, now that you've got the interview, you need decent clothes, but since your lazy didn't have a job in the first place, you have a small budget to look decent on. Don't fear, you're covered. Thrift stores often have very nice clothes for very cheap (IE $1-3). Can't even afford that because all of your money goes towards marijuana and ramen noodles? It's a thrift store, if you go in looking junky, I'm sure you could talk them into giving you free clothes if you tell them you are homeless and need to look good for a job interview.

So, you got the job? Good, you lazy bastard. Now you just have to get past that pesky drug test. First off, drink a lot of water. The water, in this case, is not to clean you out, it is to deluit your urine to put you below the cut-off point. Next, go down to the store and pick-up (Or steal, or whatever), some B-12 and some tuna. The B-12 will make your urine yellow, and tuna contains some keratin, which is also is reported to help beat that pesky drug test.

Follow these steps, and you might just get off of your lasy ass and get a job! Good luck, and happy job hunting, you lazy bastard.