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The Hitch- Hiker's Guide to PC Universe by: David
"The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to PC Universe"
Written 5-6-93 by: David Minter
Sir Mix-a-lot. No knows his real name, and no one
cares to know. Ever since he was but a wee, little lad,
he's had the dream of straddling across a giant, plastic
replica of a pair of women's buttocks. In his mad haze,
he saw himself, beaming with pride, stringing random words
about women, their parts, and sex. Amazingly enough, the
rudimentary sentences he managed to form rhymed. This
sequence of phrases stuck with him for many years. But
eventually, he finally grew up, and buried such idiotic
thoughts. Unfortunately, dreams of vast wealth from
leeching off of the youth of the United States brought
those lyrics back to the surface. Thus, in the year 1992,
this unknown man changed his name to Sir Mix-a-lot,
released his song to the tune of a surfacing form of
music, rap, and finally got his wish; he straddled a pair
of inflatable buttocks in the video for "Baby Got Back."
This has absolutely nothing to do with the story at
hand. It's just that Sir Mix-a-lot deserves to be
ridiculed, like Jacko. He's a one-hit wonder; an idiot,
if you will. He'll never resurface again. But since I've
already berated Jacko and no one has touched Sir Mix-a-lot
yet, I just had to do it. For those of you vainly trying
to follow the plot, it begins here.
This is the story of the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to PC
Universe. PC Universe is a bulletin board system ( BBS )
running in Owensboro, Kentucky in the United States of
America resting on North America in the Western hemisphere
of the planet Earth in the system of Sol in the Milky Way
galaxy. Its "Super Cool sysop of 15!" ( self-proclaimed )
is named James Kelley. During his lifetime, he's run into
several major problems: girls, outrunning cops for driving
without a license, a certain writer who kept sending him
stories, one of which inadvertently caused him to break up
with one of his aforementioned girlfriends, a certain
virus checking program, written by that self-same writer,
that deleted his IO.SYS, MSDOS.SYS, COMMAND.COM,
AUTOEXEC.BAT, and CONFIG.SYS files, and brought his board
down for ten hours. But, one certain trouble in his life
has kept him from being all but normal.
His BBS is the most popular in Owensboro, and THE
most popular in the universe ( Hence, the name. ) in his
own deranged mind. This has had a negative effect on his
life. His board is up twenty-four hours a day ( save for
that ten hour span ), seven days a week, 365 days a year,
save for Leap Years. His attention is constantly being
needed by the users of PC Universe, who also seek to
impose themselves upon him. So, he has done only what he
has had to do.
A majority of the time, James Kelley floats in a
sensory deprivation tank. His physical body is immersed
in that same blue fluid that you always see testing
tampons on tv commercials. His mental body is directly
linked to his computer, his BBS, and his users. A lengthy
portion of cable runs from his CPU ( central processing
unit ) and is spliced directly into his brain, a major
portion of which is exposed during his sensory deprivation
to facilitate better and faster access to the computer. He
sleeps only when the line is open, which isn't very often.
Some users even insist on calling at 2, 3, and 4 in the
morning. The intricate processes that follow are quite
odd indeed.
Whenever a user calls and it isn't busy, the modems
go into the normal handshaking routines. After the
annoying buzz and the tell-tale connection alarm goes off,
a surge of electricity runs through the cable and attacks
James's brain. It wakes his sleeping form from sensory
deprivation. The wonderful feeling of power clears out
all of the cobwebs. It is almost akin to a computer cold
booting. His body shakes and quivers. ( A'come on Scooby
Doo! We're a'ready for you! Waiting for your act; don't
hold back! And when you come through, a'Scooby Doo you'll
be waiting for a Scooby Snack! That's a fact! )
One free hand constantly pokes out through a
watertight portal, suspended in the air by wires and
servomechanisms. Upon the activation of James's brain,
the mechanisms go to work and position that hand above the
keyboard. They are constantly monitoring the brain for
sensory input as to what to type. The free hand can be
somewhat of a pain as most modem programs require two
button presses, usually involving the Alt and Ctrl keys.
This is why sometimes he types very slow. The computer
detects when a user's response is hostile to this and
types some appropriate phrase like "I'm typing with my
nose now." or "Typing is very difficult with your toes."
Appropriate spacing is placed in by the computer.
When the user logs off, the arm is retracted. Power
flow is diverted away from James's agonized brain. His
muscles relax, and his body stops trembling. He lies
motionless, floating in that blue liquid medium. He
simply lies in wait for the next caller. Usually, he
doesn't have to wait long. The process starts all over
again on the next call.
The users of PC Universe often complain to James. He
doesn't have the appropriate GIF files ready for
downloading or they're tired of being hit up for money or
his files sometimes get so old they stink. But at least,
in sensory deprivation, he can keep his modem working
properly. No problems with Zmodem downloading or ANSI
screens occur on his board, unlike the KN4RJ BBS. If only
the users can realize the struggle James Kelley goes
through for us all. Most people would not give up food,
sex, and normal consciousness just for the sake of his
users. That is why I have written this little ditty, with
apologies to Douglas Adams. I hope the people who read
this will take it heart and KEEP OFF OF JAMES'S CASE AS
WELL AS THE GRASS!
And, the moral of this story is "Give all you own to
the PC Universe. Pay! Pay money! Pay it now! PAY TILL
IT HURTS! I'LL BLEED YOU ALL DRY! DONATE NOW OR DIE!"
And that, unfortunately, friends, is the end.
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