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Dr. Strangelove at UCSC
Dr. Strangelove at UCSC
8:36 pm Wed Dec 04, 1991
You are in your dorm room. Your roommate is playing Jello Biafra.
The cups on the desk are shattering.
There is an unfinished lab book here.
There is a chemistry book here.
There are socks here.
There are empty beer bottles here.
There is a computer here.
There are six moldy bananas here.
There are several tons of dirty laundry here.
There are shattering cups here.
There is a refrigerator here.
There is a desk with drawers here.
> turn off music
Your roommate makes discouraged sounds. The cups stop shattering.
> play beach boys
Your roommate throws a hammer into your stereo. You now have no
stereo. Your I.Q. Decreases by 10 points.
> fix stereo
The stereo is shattered beyond repair.
> curse stereo
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your erogenous zones!"
The stereo is fixed. The sheer quantity of dirty socks in this room
is making it hard to move.
> look at socks
They are very smelly. It is getting harder and harder to move.
> clean up socks.
You can't. They're all welded together.
> throw socks out window
They soar out the window with the greatest of ease, hit the
ground, and shatter.
> leave room
24 hour Dave enters, fiending for weed. He blocks your exit.
> kick dave
Dave doesn't seem to notice.
> yell at dave
Dave doesn't seem to notice.
> feed dave
Dave thankfully gobbles your food and asks if there is any more.
> eat dave's head
You start chewing on dave's head. Dave doesn't seem to notice.
Your I.Q. goes up forty points. You now understand chapter four of
your chemistry assignment. Dave is still here.
> work on lab book
You don't have the lab book.
> pick up lab book
It is very heavy. You are carrying too much.
> inventory
You are carrying:
A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die
A +2 elven sneakers of silence
A swiss army knife
A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.
A very large ring of Keys.
A (much too small) bag of weed.
A package +3 papers of zig-zag.
> look papers
The papers are blank.
> drop keys
You load lightens considerably.
> pick up lab book
You struggle under the load, but prevail in the end.
> do chemistry lab
You have no calculator. Dave grabs the lab book from you and does
the lab. You are thirsty.
> open refrigerator
A considerable amount of cheap beer is revealed.
> drink cheap beer
You have an instant hangover. You can't stand up. Dave mutters
something about being left out.
> kick dave
Dave doesn't seem to notice.
> offer beer to dave
Dave is drunk. Dave mutters something about being back and
leaves.
> leave room
You can't. You're suffering from a hangover.
> open desk
There is some aspirin here.
> eat aspirin
YUCK! You munch it up. You begin to feel better.
> leave room
The door locks behind you. You are in a north-south hall. There
are several doors here, some marked with magazine clippings.
> unlock door
You can't. Your keys are in the room.
> open doors
You open the nearest door without knocking. Charles and Anna are
here. Dave is here. There are clothes on the floor. There are no
clothes on Charles and Anna. You get the feeling you should leave.
> leave room
As you are leaving, Dave mutters something about Birkenstocks.
You are back in the hall. You are hungry.
> south
You come to a lounge.
There is a door here.
There are two chairs here.
There is a desk here.
Tony is here, studying chemistry.
> greet tony
Tony says, "Hey, bro! How's it goin'? Nice suit."
> commiserate with tony
Tony says, "I'm really stressing hard on this test, bro." You are
still hungry.
> open door
There are stairs down to the west. There are stairs up to the
west. There is a walkway to the south.
> down
There is an east-west ramp here. There are some people here. They
comment loudly on your nudity.
> west
You are in a quad. There is a picnic table here. The door to the
cafeteria is to the north.
> north
They don't let naked people into the cafeteria. You are forcibly
ejected.
> inventory
You are carrying:
A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die
A +2 elven sneakers of silence
A swiss army knife
A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.
An (even smaller) bag of weed.
A package of blank +3 papers of zig-zag.
> wear shirt
You are resplendent in your +3 tee-shirt of tie die.
> wear shorts
You are now a bulging wonder.
> north
You are in a room full of simulated food.
> eat food
You aren't even vaguely hungry. In fact, the concept of
introducing this swill into your system is bletcherous.
> south
You are in a quad.
> smoke weed
You now have the munchies. Your subjective I.Q. increases by 10
points. You have a revelation involving the cosmic significance of
Spam.
> north
You are in a room full of an infinite amount of delectable
munchables.
> eat food
You need a tray first.
> get tray
You now have the Tray of Cafeteria Browninan Motion.
> eat food
You serve yourself a generous portion of cafeteria yumness. You
take a seat and begin shoveling it into your face. After two bites
you are full. You have food poisoning.
> leave
You can't. The cafeteria is cursed. You still have food
poisoning.
> search cafeteria
You find half a bottle of Everclear stashed in the salad bar.
> drink bottle
Wouldn't you prefer something safer? Like cutting a pre-
enrollment line?
> take small sip
A small sip is probably sufficient to kill all the residents of
Hong Kong and render it uninhabitable until the lease runs out.
> take small small sip
You feel the potent brew coursing down your digestive tract,
killing everything in its path. You no longer have food poisoning.
You pass out. After two hours, you wake up.
You are in a quad.
> west
You are in no shape to move. You attempt to sit up, and the world
does a tap dance on your face.
> wait
Time passes....
> wait
Time passes....
> wait
Time passes..... The world slows to a waltz.
> west
There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.
> kick lesbian
She enjoys it. She points out that you are a fascist sexist
bastard.
> wait
The lesbian launches into a discourse on the oppressive
patriarchal system.
> smell lesbian
Don't do that.
> pull leg hairs
You have been kicked in the balls. You pass out. You lose 5 I.Q.
points.
You wake up numb from the waist down.
You are in a quad.
> west
There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.
> bash male sex
The militant lesbian smiles, calls you a sister, and walks off.
This is a gentle downhill slope. There is a meadow to the west.
The path forks here. There is a path to the northwest. There is a
path to the southwest.
> southwest
You arrive at the mailhouse.
> look in mailbox
There are six thousand freshmen kneeling at the bottom row of
boxes. Some are wearing short skirts, but that's slim consolation.
> wait
Time passes....
> wait
Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box.
> look in box
The space is grabbed faster than you can move. You need split-
second reflexes.
> wait
Time passes....
> wait
Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box.
> lunge
You get your spot.
> look in box
It's packed to the bursting point.
> open box
You goof up.
> again
You goof up.
> again
You finally manage to open the box. Inside there are eight flyers
for college events that happened three weeks ago. A ninth is
current - an invitation to play croquet with the provost. You
decline and roundfile the sheaf. There is a package notice here.
There is a letter here.
> read letter
You open the letter. It is a long steamy graphic explicit love
letter... from a total stranger.
> check address
Both the package notice and the opened letter are for your
boxmate. They are postdated three months ago. You have been
airboxed.
> north
You are hemmed in by 1000 dorm androids sans brassieres trying to
get to their boxes.
> howl
Your howling causes the androids to stare at the sky in
confusion, giving you time to make your escape.
> north
You exit stage left, kicking several fembots in the shins as you
pass. The bit of abuse you inflict causes several of the fembots to
follow you, hoping for more.
There is a very small grove of trees to the east.
> east
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.
There are some fembots here.
> north
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly smaller than others.
There are some fembots here.
> west
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly bigger than others.
There are some fembots here.
> north
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly leafier than others.
There are some fembots here.
> southeast
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly greener than others.
There are some fembots here.
> east
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly darker than others.
There are some fembots here.
> south
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly moister than others.
There are some fembots here.
> west
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly creepier than others.
There are some fembots here.
> south
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly older than others.
There are some fembots here.
> west
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly browner than others.
There are some fembots here.
> north
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly odoriferous than
others. There are some fembots here.
> west
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.
There are some fembots here.
> west
You are standing in the quad again. The smell of sweat socks
fills the air. The cafeteria is preparing dinner.
There are some fembots here.
There are some shattered sweat socks here.
There is a small red bottle that says "Drink Me!" here.
There is a book of matches here.
There is a lamp post here. There is a notice pinned to the
lamppost.
> Get matches.
Taken.
> burn notice
Don't you want to see what it says first?
> burn notice
There are many trees nearby.
> burn notice godammit
You must first light a match.
> light match
The match refuses to burn.
> drop match
You violate the ecological pristiness of the area by dropping a
filthy, unnatural, manmade piece of trash on the ground. One of the
fembots gets offended and leaves to organize a protest.
> light second match
The second match bursts into flame.
> burn notice
The notice burns with a pleasant green flame.
> get bottle
You take the bottle that says "Drink Me!"
> north
You walk to a deserted area between two buildings. There is a
north-south path here.
There are some fembots here.
There are some protesters here.
Your fingers are getting warm.
> north
You walk north. The path winds around to the east. There is a
building to the north.
There are some fembots here.
There is some chanting coming from the south.
Your fingers are burning.
> Drop match
You drop the match on the ground. Your fingers continue to burn.
> Suck on fingers
The fembots are offended by the sexual symbolism and leave.
The fire is extinguished. Your fingers are throbbing now.
There is a match burning on the ground.
> step on match
You step on the match, burning the bottom of your foot in the
process. You should remember to wear shoes more often.
There is a burnt-out match sitting on the ground.
> wear shoes
You move very quietly now.
> north
You smack your head into the building. The building does not
move.
Your I.Q. drops by 10 points. You no longer grok spam.
> east
You enter the Merrill academic building. You are in a North-South
hallway. There is a door to the East. Exit is to the West.
> east
You enter a quiet classroom. The students, who had apparently
been taking an exam, look up at you angrily. The professor glares
at you angrily. The students return to their frantic efforts. The
professor, who looks vaguely familiar, continues to glare. You
suddenly realize that this is your calculus class, which you have
not attended in three weeks.
> sit
You find an empty desk. The chair squeaks as you seat yourself,
causing the student next to you to give you a grimace that would
make a good Butthole Surfers album cover. The professor brings you
a copy of the midterm.
> look test
You look at the test. The problems on the first page are
impossible. The material on the following eight pages is worse.
Test stress causes your I.Q. to drop 100 points.
> do test
This is impossible, as you have neither pencil nor calculator.
You realize that failing this exam means failing the course.
> borrow pencil
Your neighbor growls angrily as soon as you start to vocalize
your request.
> steal pencil
You steal the extra pencil from your neighbor's desk. He does not
notice.
> do test
You start to work on the first problem, even though you have only
a vague understanding of how to solve it. The pencil hurts your
charred fingers. Beads of sweat form on your forehead as you
scratch out calculations that would normally be done on a
calculator. You reach an answer that could not possibly be correct.
> do second problem
Just reading the second problem severely stresses your mental
resources. You suffer a brain embolism.
> do problem
You begin calculations on the second problem. Sweat begins to
trickle from your face and armpits. You begin to stink. The trickle
of sweat turns into a raging torrent. Your brain seizes. You cannot
move.
> wait
Time passes...
> wait
Time passes...
> wait
Time passes. You can move now.
> smoke test
Do you really want to do that?
> smoke test
As you inhale the xeroxed papyrus, you feel the knowledge of the
ancients seeping into your mind. You come to a complete
understanding of the material, but you no longer have anything to
turn in.
> write answers
What do you want to write the answers on?
> paper
You start scribbling the solutions to the problems on the blank
papers of zig-zag. Just as you write the last answer, the teacher
collects the exams, staples them together, and leaves. You have
truly smoked this test.
> east
You are in a north-south hallway. There is a door to the east.
> north
You stumble down the hallway in a northerly direction. Smacking
into the door at the end and popping it open. You trip over your
untied shoelaces and fall through the doorway. The door slams shut
behind you.
> Tie shoelaces
You tie your shoelaces into a very tight knot. Your shoes can now
only be removed by surgery.
From :Dr. Strangelove #178
To :All
Subject :My love life?
DateTime:8:23 pm Wed Dec 04, 1991
Tough Love
"She sure is cute," Jeff stated, without thinking. The tall dark-
haired girl in question was crossing the street ahead of them. He
slowed down to avoid hitting her.
His passenger, Earl, took a look at the pedestrian as the Mustang
slowed. He grinned, "Want to meet her?"
Jeff snorted in disbelief. Earl was lady-killer, according to
Earl. Jeff thought he fit the part. His clothing was immaculate,
and belied a vicious speed habit which kept him poor. That's why
Jeff was giving him a ride - he'd had his Camaro repossessed the
week before. Jeff sped up to make it through the light before it
changed. Just as he was passing the woman he'd admired, Earl flung
open the passenger door. His timing was perfect, and he hit her
just before the door stopped swinging. The woman was thrown into
the air by the impact, and landed on the back of a parked car. Jeff
locked the brakes, too late.
"So, go meet her, " Earl joked.
The girl was dressed all in black, a detail Jeff hadn't had time
to notice while driving. She lay without moving on the trunk of the
car, blood trickling out of her mouth. The rear window of the car
was smashed, spiderwebbed where her head had hit it. There was a
wicked contusion on her jaw. He couldn't tell if there was anything
else wrong with her, but he knew enough not to move her. He yelled
to Earl, "Hey, call someone, will you?"
Earl had gotten out of the car, and was standing behind him.
"Don't you want to talk to her first? That's the whole point." He
reached over and slapped her gently where she was scraped. She
moved and groaned gently, and then opened her eyes. Earl chuckled
softly, "Have fun!" and then added out loud, "I'll go call an
ambulance."
Jeff watched as the girl slowly regained consciousness. He
couldn't quite believe that this was happening. Until now, his
driving record had been perfect. It didn't occur to him that the
accident had been the fault of crazy Earl. Earl was one of his
closest friends, even though Jeff didn't even know where he lived.
That had never seemed important. He would go with Earl to parties,
and to other places he would never go to on his own. Sometimes,
they would get in trouble. The last time involved a back-alley
brawl, when he'd gotten his left arm broken by a punk who had
kicked him.
The woman was almost completely awake now. Her blue eyes were
fully open, but she couldn't quite focus. "I hit you with my car,"
he said. "You shouldn't move."
She looked at him for the first time, and smiled. "What's your
name?"
Jeff, taken aback by the seeming non-sequitur, replied quickly,
"Jeff. Jeff Phillips."
"You're cute, Jeff Phillips." She passed out again.
The ambulance and police arrived soon after that. After a swift
examination, the paramedics carefully snapped on a neck brace, and
then lifted her gently onto a stiff yellow board. Earl had
returned, and watched the crews work, his eyes never missing a
single detail of the process. She was gently strapped to the board
and then hoisted onto a gurney. Earl looked at his watch, "Shit,
I'm late, man. Mind if I borrow your car?"
Jeff dug into his pocket and came up with the car keys, and
tossed them to Earl without thought. He hadn't ever turned down one
of Earl's requests. In fact, the car itself had been a suggestion
of Earl's. Jeff had wanted a Subaru, but Earl had insisted on the
monster Mustang. Red, of course. It was six times more power than
Jeff had ever experienced before, but he almost never got it over
55. Unless Earl was in the car - Earl didn't tolerate speeds below
seventy. It didn't occur to him that by lending Earl his car he
would be stranded six miles from home.
Jeff felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned around. A well
muscled black officer was standing behind him holding a note pad,
"Are you the driver of the vehicle?" Jeff admitted that he was.
"What happened, exactly?"
Jeff certainly couldn't tell the cop the truth - that he was the
victim of some kind of bizarre pick up scheme. "I, uh, hit her as
she was crossing the street. It was an accident, " he added lamely.
"How fast were you moving? " the cop asked severely. "It looks
like you hit her pretty hard. The medics say she probably has a
couple broken ribs. Not to mention a severe concussion."
Jeff stumbled through the rest of the interview. Halfway through,
he saw Earl drive off in the bright red sports car. Not long after
that, the ambulance screamed off. When the officer seemed finished
asking questions, Jeff asked, "Are you going to the hospital now?"
"Yes, I need to speak with Ms. Fesser, if she is able."
"Can you give me a lift?" Jeff was unaccustomed to speaking with
police, much less asking favors of them, but he was pleasantly
surprised when the big black man granted his request. They spoke
about the accident, and Jeff learned that the woman's first name
was Audra.
Jeff asked to see her, and was told to wait. He waited several
hours. The cop came and went. Jeff wasn't sure what he was doing,
waiting in the emergency room. He had no ride home, and had never
called a taxi before in his life. So he waited, watching the
ceiling. Finally, a nurse came and called his name. He was led into
Audra's room. She was propped up in bed. Her face was starting to
swell, but it wasn't bandaged, so he guessed the injury was
superficial. "Hello," he said nervously. There was a long pause,
then she spoke.
"We have to figure out what to tell the police, " she said.
"What?"
"You hit me deliberately. I know it, you know it, but the police
don't. We have to invent a good story. I told them I didn't
remember a thing, but they'll be back. They might even drag this
into court, with the insurance companies. " She tried to smile, and
then winced with the pain from the attempt.
"Why didn't you just tell them?"
"Because, like I said, you're cute. Besides, this is my fifth
stay in the hospital this year. I'm used to it, but my insurance
company hates me." She laughed.
Jeff frowned with concern, "Five times in one year?"
"I"m good at hurting myself."
The nurse stuck her head in the door, "One more minute, then you
have to go, mister."
Jeff would have pressed the point, but there wasn't time. "I'll
drop in tomorrow?" it was more question than statement.
"Don't bother, I'll get out of here tomorrow, one way or the
other. Get a pencil." Jeff did. She dictated a phone number and an
address. "I'll see you tomorrow at eight."
The nurse stuck her head in, "Time to go." Jeff said goodbye to
Audra, and left. In the lobby, he used the pay phone to call a
taxi, his first. He did it without thought or concern.
Earl was waiting in his living room. This didn't surprise Jeff -
Earl had a key. Before Jeff gave it to him, he used to break a
window by the lock. Jeff figured he'd save on repair bills this
way.
"How was the date?" Earl asked, lounging in Jeff's favorite
chair.
"You're crazy! I had to lie to the police to cover up for you,
you maniac!" Jeff was red in the face and panting.
Earl was taken aback. Even when Jeff had broken his arm, he'd
never talked back to Earl. "Did she cover up?"
"How did you know?"
"They always do." Earl grinned smugly. "She's really good
looking, isn't she?"
Jeff started to relax. "I suppose. It was hard to tell. Her face
was all puffy."
"That'll clear up by tomorrow night. You got her number, right?"
"Yes.."
"Good, then you're all set. Well, hey, it's been a busy day,
helping friends and all. Just wanted to make sure everything turned
out for you two. Gotta run!" And with that, he did, leaving Jeff
speechless.
Jeff dressed carefully for his encounter. A black turtle neck
shirt, new blue jeans, and a leather jacket (another insistence of
Earl's). He didn't know if the clothes were right; ordinarily he
wore a button down oxford. He knew what Earl would have said, if
he'd worn that. "Nerd city." He wasn't sure if his current outfit
was any better, but it was all he could manage with his limited
wardrobe.
He showed up exactly at eight. Audra was waiting for him outside
her apartment, still dressed in black. He opened the door, and she
limped over to the car. The swelling had gone down, and she was
radiant. "Punctual. Where are we going?" Jeff had spent a great
deal of time thinking before deciding on a fancy place that brewed
its own beer. He mentioned it to her, and got a smile, "Good,
that's one of my favorite places."
The meal was good, and they spoke about nothing in particular.
Jeff wanted to discuss the accident, but Audra deftly changed the
subject when he brought it up. She had lobster, the most expensive
item on the menu. He had a hamburger. As he was driving her home,
he blurted out, "I really feel bad about hitting you like that."
"Don't worry about it. I badgered the hospital into letting me
go, and here I am, and all I have to show for it are some really
amazing bruises." Her voice dropped an octave, "Would you like to
see them?" she asked softly.
It took Jeff a few slow seconds to realize that he had been
propositioned. He finally stammered out, "I.. Uh... think I should
just give you a ride home."
Audra frowned. "I don't think so." There was a long silence. Jeff
pulled up in front of her home.
"Look, I can't just... do that."
"I'm not asking. I haven't spoken to the police yet, you know."
She wasn't pretty now. She was furious, her face dark with blood.
Jeff felt giddy.
"I better just drop you off," he said, lamely. Audra give him one
glance, got out of the car, and left. She wasn't limping this time.
Jeff thought about the previous night's encounter as he shaved.
He always took care with his morning toilette. Not because he
particularly cared about his appearance, but because it gave him
time to think. He shaved with an old fashioned cup and brush, and
always gave the glass handled brush exactly forty strokes in the
cup before using any of the suds. It helped pace his thoughts. This
morning, it wasn't working. Clink, clink, clink, clink, knock,
knock. The knock came from the front door. He quickly rinsed his
half shaven face, and answered the door holding a towel. Two
officers stood outside, "Are you Mr. Jeff Phillips?" the officer
asked. He told them he was. "You have the right to remain
silent..."
The trial was brief, with few ambiguities. His lawyer hadn't been
able to help much. If the passenger in the car and the victim of
the accident agree in all particulars, there isn't much of a case
to be made. All he remembered was watching Earl and Audra leaving,
arm in arm. And Earl muttering to him on his way into the free
world, "Gotta look out for number one, kid."
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