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Star Wars: Rewritten IV \ A New Hope by: David M
Star Wars: Rewritten IV \ A New Hope
by: David Minter
Finished? Yes it is, and on 7-14-94.
Based on an original story by George Lucas, the film The
Empire Strikes Back @1980 by Lucasfilm Ltd., the film Star
Wars @1976 by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, the
concept of the Book and Record Set @1984 by Buena Vista
Records, Star Wars: Rewritten III \ The Empire Strikes
Back @1994 by David Minter, from the Buena Vista Book and
Record Set "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back" @1980 by
Buena Vista Records, Star Wars: Rewritten II \ This Island
Earth @1994 by David Minter, from the Buena Vista Book and
Record Set "Star Wars" @1980 by Buena Vista Records, Star
Wars: Rewritten \ A Universe Divided @1994 by David
Minter, and material freely adapted from Batman #497, "The
Broken Bat," written by Doug Moench @1993 by DC Comics, a
division of Warner Brothers Pictures Incorporated, a Time
Warner Company.
This is the story of Star Wars: Rewritten IV \ A New Hope.
You can read along with me in your book if you're a
masochist. You will know it is time to turn the page when
you hear the recording of ARGH-2-BILLY-DEE-WILLIAMS beep
EXACTLY like this...
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP.
________________
LET'S BEGIN NOW:
----------------
After destroying the Death Star, the surviving
rebels, which didn't include Princess Leeja or the
traitorous ARGH-2 unit, had moved their secret rebel base
to an ice planet inappropriately named Hot. Their secret
base didn't remain a secret for long. Van Vader, the evil
Dalek Empire's second-in-command, was on a mad quest to
find our friends Billy and Kate Peltzer. Apparently, they
have some value to the Empire and its grotesque heart, the
Emperor Dalek. During the Empire's attack on the Hot
base, Billy and Kate were separated. Kate escaped with
Hank Williams, the smuggler, Chewingtobacco, his co-pilot,
and See-Thru-B-O, the butler-like droid, aboard the
Millennium Falcon to Cloud City, only to be captured by a
bounty hunter sent by Vader to capture Billy and Kate.
Billy, meanwhile, slipped to the planet Dago-BAH! to learn
about his destiny, partly revealed to him by Jedi Obi Wan
Kenobi, from Abe Vigoda, the Jedi master. Instead, he
learned such useless powers of the Force ( luck ) as
object levitation and telemetry, which told him of his
friends' predicament on Cloud City. He sped away from
Vigoda to Cloud City, only to find himself face to face
with the hideous face of the Empire's evil lord, Vader!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Some say that the best offense is a good defense, as
some say that the best defense is a good offense, or as I
say any sort of defense is offensive. Power is the only
way to glory, and this is what prompted Billy to foolishly
lower his defenses, and randomly fire at Vader. Vader
easily blocked the shots with his Chain Sword, absorbing
the energy into his own offense. "Ah, ha, ha, ha, haaaa!
Hate wells up strong in you. You are an excellent battery
of the foolish Force. Dalek science guides my hand,
making me your superior!" "Don't bank on it, Vader! I
was a bionic soldier myself once." Using that knowledge
to his advantage, Billy fired at the bank of circuits on
Vader's chest. Some of the blasts got through Vader's
defenses, but not nearly enough. Vader staggered back.
"Good blow. Your hatred coated your mind from mine. I
couldn't see or predict that move. However, such hate
will be your undoing! Only those versed in science can
wield the powers of chance without a good heart. Hate can
blind those not used to it!" With that, Vader shot his
hand out, and Billy's blaster flew from his grasp and into
Vader's! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy was defenseless. BILLY WAS STUNNED! "How- how
did you do that?" "Technology. Only now do the Rebels
invest their pathetic attempts in it to overthrow us. By
then, their men versed in the Force were too weak to
incorporate it effectively enough. I simply redirected a
beam of chance into your weapon, and altered the
probability against the fact that it would fly from your
hand and into mine. Thus, your weapon flew from your hand
and into mine, the probability against such an event
reduced from three in 91 trillion to one in two." Simply
for effect, Vader crushed the gun in his mighty mechanical
hand, threw the refuse to the floor, and blew off puffs of
steam from his helmet. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
All this jabbering was beginning to annoy Billy.
"Why Vader? What has it all been about? Freeing Kate and
myself from the Death Star, not doing a thing to stop us,
keeping Ben and the ways of the Jedi away from me. But,
for what? To learn about me? Were you watching them wear
me down, to weaken me? There must be more to it than
that, but what?" Vader remained deathly silent for
moments, the sound of his artificial respirator the only
thing breaking the tension. "The universe... the ultimate
prize- ALL OF LIFE ITSELF! You have it; we want it.
You've held the Earth from the brink of destruction four
separate times now." How could he have possibly known
that? BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"The Emperor fears you. You have the amazing ability
to remain alive where other men would fall. Probability-
the very fabric of existence itself seems to alter for
you. You can use that power to defeat the Empire, or we
can use it to possess everything! The Jedi can use you to
save this universe, or we can use you to take it! You are
a seat of power. It can either be of your own volition to
benefit yourself, or you can be pushed around by a small
group of ancient idiots who only want to help others.
Either them or you! You now have a choice to make, Billy
Peltzer." "And all the deaths, all the wasted lives...
it's been for nothing but that? You'd kill just to rule?
Just for-" "I'd kill for... ANYTHING!" Vader coldly
interrupted him. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
By Billy's own words, Vader knew the choice had
already been made. "I knew what the answer would be.
Your silly belief in what your father has raised you for
still beats within you." "Look, I don't know how you know
these things, but I'm still not going to be fooled by your
lies! The Empire would just use my amazing talents to
further itself. When my usefulness expires, I, like you,
would be thrown away! I'll see after myself, thank you
very much." "I see. I'd also kill to silence a grating
voice!" Vader added rather oddly. "I'd kill to darken the
light in the very eyes that dared to look on me when my
flesh was exposed!" "I'm no psychologist," Billy
redundantly admitted. "But such a Freudian slip reveals
much about you. I don't see how the universe can make up
for the shame of having a sm-" Vader lashed out at
Billy's jaw with his massive bionic hand, rocking him
across the room. "You truly phallic idiot! You do not
deserve your right to life. The Dalek Empire will bathe
in your blood tonight!" Billy shuffled back to his feet.
"While you revel in it, Vader, I'm sick of death, sick of
blood, sick of the horror and chaos that rules and ruins
me! I've spent the past several years of my life fighting
your kind of madness and evil, and that fight has brought
my wife and myself to this world's door!" Vader added
calmly, "I would not be here were it otherwise."
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
That comment truly threw Billy for a loop. "That may
or may not be, but, I can sense the evil oozing forth from
you. I realize you may prove to be the single greatest
source of madness and evil I've ever faced. Yet, there's
one other scourge behind you, something familiar, yet more
powerful than even I have ever imagined!" "EASILY!"
Billy now knew his course of action. It was disgustingly
clear. "You are quite, correct Vader. I would never be
associated with the likes of you or your evil regime!"
Vader had to admit it. Billy's speech writer was a
positive asset, one that would have served the Empire
well. Alas, that was not to be. The way was as Vader had
secretly hoped! "In that case, I have no choice now. The
Emperor had hoped you would be turned. I had hoped to
complete your training towards the Dark Side of the Force.
However, even you must not be allowed to jeopardize the
Emperor's ultimate plan. I must- I will destroy you!"
"In that case," Billy gritted his teeth. He invoked the
words of his father again, words he had been taught nearly
a decade ago. "One more round!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
But this time, it is different. This time it is
doomed; this endeavor is doomed- doomed from the start-
doomed before it even began! Billy foolishly tried to
rush Vader's vastly superior body, designed by the Daleks.
Incorporating that devastating fist again, Vader deflected
Billy's body into a side wall. The force of the blow was
sufficient to crack the plaster there, was well Billy's
body. For the first time since Lieutenant Harry
Worthlesston shot him in the shoulder, Billy truly felt an
enemy's blow. Somehow, through miracle of chance, Billy
had been impervious to death. That was when he remembered
that he could die. He had done what his first father had
set into motion for his life; he was now mortal! And he
knew he was doomed! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
He had pushed too hard, for too long, too many times.
His most recent strain was the grueling tests on
Dago-BAH!. They were mental rather than physical, and
thus a more terrible ordeal for Billy Peltzer. Before
that was the realization that he had failed to rescue his
wife in his own hometown, now controlled by a madman whom
he had all but handed the world to. Before that was the
reappearance of the hated Gremlins. Before that the
Critters. Before that the initial attack of Gremlins by
Stripe. And before that, the physically grueling race
against death itself when the lifeless bodies of Kingston
Falls returned to... well, life! He has faced the madness
of too many masks, borne the burdens off too much evil,
too much violence, all over her pussy! Huh? Where did
that come from? Now, it was drawing ever closer to him,
the death he now so craved. He felt the cold steel hands
about his throat. Too much pain! Blackness engulfed the
life of Billy Peltzer. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
What happened next also threw Billy Peltzer for a
loop. "Huh? Where's Heaven? Where's Dad? There's
nothing but the previous life engulfing blackness?" All
about him was nothing! Nothing! NOTHING! Then,
everything. Every blow, every counter, every death, every
victory, every sticky love session with Kate, every time
he was down on his knees and a blow struck across his
chin, every kick in the chest, every slash across his
face, every jab in the back, every fall, every plummet
into Heaven, every time he was stepped on, beaten, spat
upon, and insulted, every run-on sentence like this one.
As he slowly regained consciousness, he found himself
being held in the air over a deep pit!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Vader relaxed his grip, and Billy's limp body fell
head first onto the floor of the carbonite freezing pit
before him. "All too easy!" There was no need to kill
Peltzer now. He could be frozen and cybernetically
altered like Vader to serve the Empire. The force of the
blow from hitting the floor jogged several things in
Billy's mind, not to mention his body. Already burned out
from every angle, battered, bashed, and scarred from a
thousand cuts and bruises, all the time he spent healing,
tottering on brittle bones and lurching through vertigo,
sometimes for months, Billy still fought back! Yes, he
was truly able to! Taking a trick from Vader, Billy used
what little he knew about the Force, and altered the
probability that he would suddenly soar from the carbonite
freezing pit and into safety, just as Vader would activate
the process. Vader turned to the freezing control
console, and pointed to it. Using his Dalek
technologically warped Force, Vader pulled the switch.
The suspended freezing began in earnest.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
A cloud of freezing steam erupted from the gaping maw
of the pit. From this cloud, Billy's body soared up at an
angle and came down on Vader's body. Billy rolled over,
and began tottering away, hopefully to safety. Vader
momentarily composed himself before giving chase.
"Impressive!" he called after Billy. "But, it won't save
you! I feel the fear in you. It has now replaced the
hate you have for me, for bringing you here. Yet, you
have no idea how much you repulse me! YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY
KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME!" Ears buzzing and ringing,
everything too bright and glittery, even in the darkness
of swollen shut eyes, he hears and wonders. That was when
Vader felt it. "If you will not be turned to the Dark
Side, Billy, then we have not lost yet. There is another.
Wife! YOUR WIFE, KATE. If you will not serve the
Emperor, perhaps she will succeed where you just suck!"
The hate welled up in Billy once again; he was tired of
people other than himself constantly abusing his wife.
However, he knew better than to attack openly; he had
learned so earlier. He heard, he knew, and he had to get
away, but, he tripped down a flight of stairs before him.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Vader heard Billy's tumbling form. Using the Force
to levitate his massive body, Vader flew over the stair
case embankment. He found himself before a large
observation window set into Cloud City. "You can run, but
you can't hide!" Too much pain, too much punishment!
Overwhelming odds; it had to end here. It would. Pain,
such pain. Often times, he would pass blood, instead of
semen into Kate, always unbeknownst to her. Yet, she
should have realized something was wrong that after all
the times they had screwed that she wasn't pregnant ( with
BILLY'S child ) until recently. Billy fell forward, too
tired to remain standing. Vader waltzed over to the prone
form, and stepped into its back. "CHUMP!" He had been
racing away from death his whole life as he raced towards
it unknowingly. Every muscle was straining, sluggish and
trembling. Why now of all times?! All strength stretched
to its limits, stretched and sapped, awash with weakness,
Billy waited. "You have learned much, young Peltzer. But
you are not a Jedi yet! Hell, you'll never be a match for
me." Vader kneed Billy in the chin. Billy flew back into
the observation glass, his already sore back coming to
rest against it. To add injury to compounded fracture,
Vader kicked Billy in the throat. "You are too weak to
possibly be the one the Emperor fears, the one who can
utterly destroy him: the last true Jedi knight. If you
cannot defeat me, you cannot possibly defeat the Emperor.
It appears that both it and I were wrong about you! DIE,
BILLY PELTZER!" Vader drew back a massive robotic fist,
ready to deliver the ending blow. Mired in a slow motion
panic of helplessness, Billy waited for the death knell,
which did not come. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Through it all, no hope of rest, no sleep. Even when
movement itself was impossible, gravity came into play.
But despite its help, it was Billy who initiated the
beginnings of the dodging movement. His nearly lifeless
body slumped forward and fell to the side as Vader's fist
crashed through the window with a crunch. The resulting
depressurization sucked the combatants onto a gantry
suspended over a vast pit set into Cloud City. Nothing
but the mind's desperate urge to get off the floor and
fight back drove Billy to get off the floor and fight
back. He weakly approached Vader and limply planted an
ineffectual punch into his metal clad rib cage with a
poorly sounding "CHFT!" The blow proved to hurt Billy
more than it Vader! Even when every uphill effort was
wasted and futile, his further actions proved to be much
the same fare. Vader simply stared down into his
opponent's eyes. "You are already broken, and have been
for many years!" Reality itself smashed, splintered like
the rude death of an impossible dream. Awakening again to
nothing but agony, relentless and repeated. Five billion
human lives ended that day. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
And then, the crowning horror of shattered time,
shattered space, both spilling their mad guts into the
long, dark night of hopeless, horrible chaos. The lesson
of a crazed madman laid upon him. He was given a second
chance. So, why couldn't he be given one now? Too many
and too much to fight. Why not wait for a reprieve? If
one wasn't coming, it would be a similar fate. "It is
over," Vader simply remarked. "You are nothing." The
toll was too great. Pride was no longer an asset, only a
prudence to a fall... hubris, trusted too much in others
and in his own destiny. He was left drained and depleted
when the blow to the back of his head came. "A
disappointment.. utterly! Utterly empty! No challenge...
whatsoever." BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
But still they lunged from the darkness, laughing
demons, laughing with bad intent: Vice Director Wisemann,
the leering grin of Umlaut the looter, the old, Chinese
man, Groucho, Stripe, the YMCA Nazis, Harry Worthlesston,
Mentos, the Evil One, Mohawk, Dr. William Douglas Wily,
and now Van Vader added to the list! It never seemed to
end. Bearing pain and nothing more, each new adversary
chipping away at whatever was left within his vast
resource, bearing him down towards nothing, he now knows
he is truly nothing. And nowhere! Vader kicked Billy in
the ribs, lifted a large chunk of the surviving window
pane, dropped it square against Billy's back, and gave him
an uppercut for good measure while he was pinned. Vertigo
whirled out of control now. Time was distorted, images
flashing. Now and then, a confused blur as Vader brought
another blow to Billy's damaged chin. There after, every
shock and concussion was the same, each devastating, all
adding up to one long plunge into Hell.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Vader took hold of Billy's limp arm and swung him out
from under the pane of glass and head first into a wall.
By now, the obstinate life annoyingly clinging to Billy
Peltzer was infuriating Vader. "Why don't you fight?!"
He kicked Billy in the chest, hoping to force the last
ounce of life out of him. "FIGHT BACK!" He brought a
powerful chop onto Billy's neck. "WHY DO YOU NOT DIE?!"
Laser bolts shot from Vader's eyes and penetrated Billy's
shoulder, the same shoulder that Stripe had plunged an
arrow into ten years ago. Nightmarish, never ending,
garish, and bizzare, insanity too great to suffer or
surmount finally builds. They all had a part in it, all
of those who have driven Billy to this, his lowest point.
All of them! They all had a hand in delivering him into
Vader's grasp: Wisemann, Groucho, Stripe, Mentos, Mohawk,
Dr. Wily, even his father, who set the whole bizzare chain
of events into motion. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Clutching Billy by the throat, Vader lifted him up
off of the floor only to unceremoniously toss him back
down onto it. "You've got no spine!" Billy fought back a
last desperate gamble with the only good weapon he still
had: his left hand, the only one left whole after Dr.
Wright took a hammer to him. But, even that wasn't
enough! Vader caught Billy's fist in his own, and crushed
it with his mechanized might! But by now, Billy couldn't
feel the pain. They all had a part in it, but it was Dr.
Wily's bloody hand that set it all into motion; Vader was
just the executioner, the final battle against which Billy
could not stand. His first major singular combat would be
his last! Dr. Wily from the beginning, and Vader at the
end. No, wait! Dr. Wily? Through his haze, Billy saw
Dr. Wily's face on Van Vader's body. "No!" he thought
through the muddle. "Can't give in, not now! He's dead,
and it's Vader, not Wily! No matter how hurt... can't let
him win! Can't surrender to the blessed relief that I so
earlier desired... of ending it all!" Almost as if he
could read his thoughts, which maybe he could, Vader
snatched up Billy and tossed him across the gantry,
crashing into a post at the very edge of the pit!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Harsh tang... taste of blood... expanding in my
chest... every breath hot and bitter... I can't give in...
got to try... even with no more spring in my step... no
more bite of my boots in the ground... no more power... no
more speed... no more reflexes..." Billy uselessly
brought his undamaged, but still crippled, right hand up,
only to drop it lifelessly against Vader's chest. Vader
knew it was over, and he had won. Maybe, just maybe... it
was all worth it. Maybe, something could still be
salvaged! "You have nothing! You are nothing! Nothing
against the Empire, nothing against the Emperor, nothing
against me... NOTHING!" "That's... it... gave my ALL...
long ago... there's little left... and what's left...
isn't enough!" Billy fell limply back, only to remain
suspended above the floor by Vader's fist clutching onto
Billy's torn shirt. "I've already taken more damage than
any man can endure... all in a lost cause! I've been out
of practice for two years... too long! I grew too
complacent... I DESERVE TO DIE! And now... feel so bad...
I want to die!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"You are broken, Billy Peltzer. Broken and useless.
However, you are still alive, far beyond what most
organics would be at my hands! Therefore, you must be the
last true Jedi knight, the one the Emperor fears! Still,
I am disgusted by you! Your sight, your presence, YOUR
VERY EXISTENCE REPULSES ME! And you have no idea why, do
you?" Through a rising trickle of blood, Billy asked,
"Do... do you think I care? H-how... how do you know...
of Kate... me?" Vader had to laugh. "I had a feeling
when I detected your presences in the Force, and was
nearly assured when I had you both aboard the Death Star.
But after examining the mental copy we made of Kate's mind
and reviewing them with the Emperor, everything was so
clear. JOIN ME, BILLY PELTZER! DON'T MAKE ME DESTROY
YOU!" Billy spat out a tooth before continuing. "All...
all I want to know is... do we fight, or do we trade witty
banter?" "First we trade witty banter. For you see, your
future lies with me for you are MY FATHER!" BILLY WAS
STUNNED! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"No, no! It's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! I left
Jason behind with my stepfather on Earth! It's a trick!
I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU!" It seemed somehow that the
conversation rejuvenated Billy somewhat. I guess it was
being lied to that did it. "Actually, you're my
stepfather. Let me begin again: Don't make me destroy
you! For you see, your future lies with me, for you are
my stepfather!" BILLY WAS STILL STUNNED! "NO! IT'S
STILL IMPOSSIBLE, I SAY!" "Kate was my mother. I was
born into a bright laboratory, only to be thrust
immediately into Hell, to be reborn as Quantum Man! CHUCK
WAS MY FATHER!" "YOU LIE!" "Search your feelings, Luke-
I mean, Billy! You'll see that I'm right!" "WRONG! The
coordinates that I tricked Dr. Wily into using simply
dissipated Quantum Man into thin air!" "No, it is you who
are in error! 38, 24, 36 was an incongruous location in
the quantum stream. A worm-hole pocket continuum had been
generated there by a series of improbability bursts that
had escaped into various places on the Earth. I entered
into the same location as that worm-hole on my trip into
the past. Since no two objects can occupy the same point
in space, I was torn in half! Since the Emperor has told
me that I arrived here as an organic being and then
augmented, he theorizes that half of my being was torn
into the past and my other half was sent into the future!
My organic component painfully arrived in this alternate
Earth reality; my flesh body died upon impacting with the
surface of the Earth. Next, I was revived by the Emperor
Dalek, outfitted with a brand new set of cyborg parts,
reborn as Van Vader, wielder of the Dark Side of the
Force!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy searched his feelings as Vader had told him.
Not only did his feelings tell him that Vader was lying,
but they also told him he needed to bathe and shave.
"You're just trying to lure me over to the Emperor with a
boatload of lies!" Vader sighed. "I see your feelings
betray you, just like they did with Kate earlier. You,
Billy Peltzer, are nothing but a mask, one which no longer
serves any purpose... unlike mine!" Vader put his hands
to his goat's head helmet, undid a few catches, and slowly
slid it off with a hiss of escaping compressed air. There
in the electric lights of Cloud City, Billy could clearly
see the human half of Quantum Man's horrible visage! It
looked like Chuck... just like the child that Kate birthed
did two years ago in front of that disgusting Dr. Wily,
who wanted it for his own evil purposes. His neck was
completely surrounded by metal plates. A trench lead out
into a speaker synthesizer set out in front of his face.
Tiny wires led into his nostrils and up under his eyelids.
One eye was kept open by a series of metal prongs attached
to one of those wires. He was bald, and his scalp was
covered with a series or red radiation burns and a small
hole punctured in the left side of his head. A series of
apparatus led into and out of the wound. Wires poured
forth from his ears, simulating his hearing. His body had
been warped by a series of grotesque events, birth, rapid
growth acceleration, robotic implantation at a cellular
level, a trip across the time stream, being sucked into a
pocket worm-hole, torn into two separate pieces, each one
sent to a different time period, crashing into a planet,
and being reborn as yet another cyborg! Coupled with
years of Dalek implants and improvements and\or toying
with the Dark Side of the Force did the rest to his heart,
soul, and mind. For all intents and purposes, Van Vader,
Chuck and Kate's son and Billy's stepson, was a human
Dalek! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Now Billy knew that Vader was right! The sight of
his own stepson not only filled him with anger but
revulsion at the ugly thing that he had become again.
Billy would not wish such a thing on his worst enemy, not
even Dr. Wily... not even his father(s). "As you can see,
I am directly linked to the Dalek Empire, and thus the
Emperor. A direct feed straight into my brain and
bloodstream burns my veins with a very special potion, the
Dark Side of the Force, a combination of luck and Dalek
science. You have chosen to reject the Emperor, and I
have his orders." "I think I know what those orders are."
"You THINK so? I think not. I was a guinea pig for two
cybernetic experiments and one time experiment, one of
each by the hands of Dr. William Douglas Wily, and the
second by the Emperor Dalek. The sheer strength and
ferocity that now courses through me is all you fault!
YOUR FAULT! You did this to me!" "Me? How can you blame
me? Dr. Wily and the Emperor did that to you, all of it
the results of his machinations and by the Emperor's own
admission!" "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LET HIM DO IT! You
allowed me to be born so that you could save Kate. To
Hell with me! After all, I'm not YOUR child. 'By your
own admission, Billy Peltzer! My strength is enough to
break a man, ANY MAN, like a dead stick!" For effect,
Vader pretended to break a stick in the air with his
hands. Oddly enough, such actions produced a cracking
sound in the air, which both stunned and horrified Billy.
"And now, I turn that power against you!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Before Billy could put up any kind of defense, Van
Vader had scooped him up into his powerful bionic arms, a
grip which was impossible for even a healthy body to
break. "I've known who you were since you arrived here!
It just took the Emperor to make me see the light, my
origin which had been hidden from me to make me a more
effective warrior was finally revealed, released from the
prison my mind had made to hide the traumatic existence
that is me! I've known you since I came to in the Hell of
a dark hole some millions of miles away from here on
Earth, a hole made by my own impact into the planet! I've
known in my dreams, in my nightmares! And I escaped from
that Hell, escaped from my dreams, for only one reason!
Every living being that has died at the hands of the
Empire has been you, a faceless terror, in my mind; each
death became one step closer to finding and breaking you!
Thus, my hatred of life was born, born from the hatred of
my life because of yours! That was before the Emperor
enlightened me as to myself, before I knew you weren't
here, before I found out this was an alternate Earth
realty, tangential to yours. I knew you and Kate were
important when you were on board the Death Star, but not
why. Then, unfortunately after you fell out of my
clutches, the Emperor informed me fully of who you were
and what you looked like, just like my Daleks knew! I
HATE YOU, BILLY PELTZER! I HATE YOU WITH A PASSION, JUST
LIKE TWO REALITIES DO! YOU DISGUST ME, AND I'M GOING TO
END IT ALL NOW!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Vader clutched Billy's lapels and drew him up into
his deformed mechanical face. "Look at me and what I am.
Know that you created me, and that I hate you for it! YOU
HAVE SINNED AGAINST ME AND THE EMPIRE! BEG MY FORGIVENESS
FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME! BEG FOR MERCY! SCREAM MY
NAME!" Billy did the only thing he could do in a
situation such as this. He spat a bloody tooth into
Vader's face, actually improving the looks of his ugly
mechanical puss. "G-go... back to... ...HELL... where you
belong..." Vader swung a back-handed fist into Billy's
jaw, sending blood flying across the room. "This is your
last chance! The Emperor's plan may create chaos if
implemented incorrectly... UNIVERSAL CHAOS, chaos not seen
since Valiant's 'The Chaos Effect!' You are the only
thing the Emperor fears! You can destroy him, or make his
plan a sure success. Join me, and I will complete your
Jedi training. Join me, and together we can rule the
universe as father and son!" Vader put his free hand,
covered with Billy's blood, open into his face, closed it
into a fist and shook it. Billy remained silent and said
solemnly, "And I am... done!" "I AM VADER!" he began
before delivering the crushing blow. "I could kill you!"
He cradled his father in his powerful arms. "However,
death would only end your agony... and silence the shame
that you have committed against me!" Vader heaved Billy's
limp body high above his head, looking triumphantly up
into the skies, as if asking for approval. "Instead, I
will simply-" Vader promptly brought Billy forcefully
down against his knee, snapping his spine like the
aforementioned stick. "BREAK YOU!" The loud
reverberating crack of Billy's vertebrae ( one by one! )
filled the hollow pit in front of them.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Vader let Billy's broken body fall violently from his
arms. "Broken." A trickle of blood oozed from the side
of Billy's mouth. "Done." Barely audible through the
blood and saliva coating the inside of his mouth, Billy
breathed out, "It's not... true... I'll... never join...
you..." Vader slipped his goat's head back into place,
refitted the locks, and prepared to cart Billy off to the
Emperor in carbonite freezing. So what if he had lied.
He would take Billy, frozen, to the Emperor and
cybernetically altered, like himself, to serve the Empire!
"Reset the carbon freezing chamber for Peltzer!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy lay on the cold, steel floor of Cloud City,
whimpering in pain and staring at the hated form of his
conqueror, Van Vader. He was as Vader had said, broken
and done. The world swirled away into black obelisks
again before resuming its previous form. Only this time,
it was different. Rand was standing where Vader had been.
Through the hazy mists, a Bathroom Buddy materialized on
his chest; it would have fallen off his shoulder since he
was prone. Rand I went into his tirade from "Gremlins:
Rewritten V \ The Last Gremlin." "He's no machine! HE'S
PART HUMAN! I DIDN'T HEAR NO BELL! Only the sound of
your cracking spine. NOW, GET UP, ONE MORE ROUND! FIGHT
THIS GUY HARD! GET UP, MY SON BILLY... because Rand loves
ya'!" From out of somewhere, Billy found the reserve
necessary to turn over. It was sheer torture for his
dashed body, but he managed to roll over to the edge of
the pit that he had been beaten in front of. Vader saw
what Billy was attempting to do, and was actually stunned
that he was still able to. He rushed over to Billy,
trying to stop him. "You're not going anywhere... EXCEPT
TO THE EMPEROR!" Billy momentarily stopped, and looked up
into Vader's mask. "I'll never... join... YOU!" With
that, Billy rolled over the edge of the bridge, and
tumbled helplessly toward the emptiness below. Vader
looked over the edge of the pit into the aforementioned
emptiness. "Such a waste. But at least, he's out of the
way." Obeying the Emperor's command to return to the Eret
Mensaki Ska with the loss of Billy Peltzer, Vader turned
and headed for his shuttle, leaving Cloud City in the
hands of a Dalek squad, the bounty hunter S.E.X.I.S.T.
P.I.G. 69, and Logon. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Kate, Chewingtobacco, and Recondo sat languishing in
their cell about how they would escape Bespin, the Cloud
City. At least, the Daleks had been kind enough to let
Logan give Chewie See-Thru's head and body to join the
latter to the first to pass away the time. Chewie was
having only nominal success at the job. But, eventually-
"How are we going to escape?" No sooner had See-Thru
poised the question when the prison door whisked open to
reveal Logon, Recondo's once trusted right hand man!
Recondo, in a typical reaction, rushed the traitor,
preparing to throttle him until he said, "There's still a
chance to save Hank!" He stopped when he saw the blasters
that Logon was toting. Logon was there to secretly
release them! Since it was evident that Logon couldn't
speak, he simply handed the prisoners the weapons, as if
telling them to get out while they could. For the benefit
of our reading audience, we will go into the specifics of
why Logon freed them. Being Daleks, they had no intention
of keeping their pact with Logon for control of Cloud
City. They intended to exterminate Logon and turn Bespin
into a floating battle station. It wasn't killing him
that made Logon rebel. It was because they refused to
supply him with the Barney dolls that they had promised
him. Such a mother-lode would have kept Logon set for
life. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Recondo dashed past his former partner and into the
hallway, brandishing his blaster. "Come on! We've got
blasters! Let's get out of here!" "But we've to try and
save Hank!" Kate answered as she joined him. "And what
about my husband? He must here by now! And-" But before
Kate could finish, they were caught in Dalek crossfire.
"THE- PRISONERS-ARE-MAKING-AN-ESCAPE-ATTEMPT! EX-TER-MIN-
ATE!" The Emperor, realizing that Billy was now a
prospect lost to the Empire, had no further need for the
Rebel prisoners, and ordered that exterminative force be
authorized. "DALEKS! Quick, to the Falcon!" As Recondo,
Chewie, See-Thru, and Logon ran down the hall, Kate
provided cover fire. Behind the advancing wave of Daleks,
S.E.X.I.S.T. P.I.G. 69 took stock of the situation.
"They-might-try-to-come-after-Williams." With that, he
led the floating carbonite form of Hank away to his
shuttle, and fled Cloud City. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Just before Billy tumbled into space, he managed to
grab a protruding weather vane. It had been not easy for
him though, what with his damaged hands. When his broken
body struck the bottom of the pit, it was the most
terrible agony he had ever experienced. Then, panels
beneath him opened, and he slammed into the vane. As he
pitifully clung onto what little remained of his life, he
reflected on his mistakes. He had entered into combat
with Vader foolishly. He knew he no longer had his
father's guidance with him. He had already accomplished
what he had been set forth to do. And now, he deserved
whatever fate he received. But, maybe, just maybe, he
might be given... one last reprieve. All he had to do was
ask. "Dad. I know you can hear me up there. Dad...
Rand... help me. PLEASE! I know I was rash. I ignored
Vigoda's words, even though he was only trying to help me.
Father, forgive me! Please, help me... just this one last
time... just one more round..." But with that, the last
of his energy sapped away, and his grip slackened on the
weather vane. He plunged like a stone through the sky
beneath Cloud City! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
All Billy could think about was the ground that would
soon be rapidly approaching. Instead of the ground,
though, the Millennium Falcon was rapidly approaching!
Somehow, in some way, as Kate and the others made good
their escape in the Falcon, she felt Billy's presence. He
seemed to be begging, pleading with someone, almost
praying. She felt he was there on Cloud City, or rather
beneath it. She ordered Recondo to turn back, much to his
dismay and upon Chewie's threats of violence. As they
neared the city again, she saw Billy dangling precariously
from beneath the city and then falling! "Chewie, get
under him!" Recondo left the bridge in the creature's
control, and went up and opened the top hatch. He peered
up at the form of the youth descending towards the
Falcon... and just narrowly missing the hatch, opting
instead to crash head first into the top of the craft.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy came to up in Heaven once again. There, he
faced the form of his biological father. "Thank you, Dad.
I-" Rand floated over to his son. He was flashing him an
accusing look with his eyes. "Dad, what's wrong?" Rand
drew his hand back, and slapped his son in the face.
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" "Arrogant fool! I try to raise you
to be the savior of mankind, and then you go running off
foolishly into a battle that has no bearing on you,
whatsoever!" Rand struck his child again. Billy, tired
of being whipped by a ghost, took an offensive swing back.
However, the blow simply passed through his father. "So,
now you see you can't strike an ethereal phantasm, can
you?!" Rand cackled gleefully. "You just don't get it,
do you? It hasn't ended. IT NEVER ENDED! You wanted it
to, but it won't just yet! You haven't accomplished the
task yet! If you had only just loved me more... believed
in me when I told you your destiny as a child. But, no!
You hated me, you despised me, you ignored me! You went
out on your own, and now you have no idea what you've
unleashed! You can't possibly know how many lives you've
ended, how many worlds, HOW MANY TIMES! I even had to
allow myself to pass away to make room for one that you'd
believe, and even then only moderately more so! I've had
to step in one more time to save everything. Now then,
you'd better get your act straight and start listening to
me... or we'll all be dead!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy awoke in the medical rehabilitation center of a
Rebel cruiser. His wife's loving eyes, stained with
tears, greeted him. "You gave us quite a worry, Billy."
She hugged him warmly, and that was when Billy noticed it.
He felt her pert breasts against his body. Billy pushed
her away, oddly enough. "Wait! How can this be? My back
was broken! How can I possibly feel you against me? How
can I be a proper husband to you? Come to think of it,
how am I still alive?" "Yes, your back was broken. In
fact, you body was severely traumatized by whatever did
this to you." "VADER! It was Van Vader." "The shock of
crashing into the Falcon broke your neck. Your left hand
was shattered, but the medical droid here did wonders with
what was left. It even fixed your other hand, the one
damaged by Dr. Wright." The blue metal and glass robot
strode over to Billy. It took Billy's left hand in its
three fingered pincers and examined it. "A few simple
robotic implants simulate the functions of your spine.
Your crushed left hand has been augmented with bionics."
Kate remained disturbingly silent. "Oh, I can't lie to
you like this! We had to replace your hand with a robotic
one!" BILLY WAS STUNNED! He looked down at his left hand
only to see a panel opened up in his wrist. Various wires
and servo-mechanisms were exposed. The medical droid was
palpitating his hand with some kind of hot, electric
poker, invoking sensation to make sure the implant was a
success. Surely the robot could have seen that examining
the movement of the parts in the hand wasn't necessary,
judging by the grimaces of pain that the hot power invoked
from Billy's face. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"And, your spine is nothing but a prosthesis! At
least, you're alive and functioning better than you did
before. The medical droid did an excellent job on your
all but useless body. In fact, he repaired your eyesight
back up to 96% efficiency after all that staring into the
sun you told me about and stepping on your eye that fell
out from the shock of seeing me again after all those
years way back in 'Critters: Rewritten II \ The
Hatchlings.' WHEW! Where are the run-on sentence police
when you need them?" "They're out trying to find and
recover Hank," Recondo answered her as he entered the
medical bay. He greeted Billy, oddly enough somewhat not
reluctantly. "Hi, kid. I'm glad I got to see you before
I left. Chewie and I are going to find Hank. The bounty
hunter's got a head start, but with us and the Grammar
Constabulary on his tail, we'll catch up. In fact,
there's a rumor that S.E.X.I.S.T. P.I.G. 69's base of
operations is on Earth. That's where we're heading next.
Won't it be nice for you two to see your home world
again?" He playfully slugged, and later regretted only
doing it playfully, Billy in the shoulder, which made him
wince since his body had not yet ceased attempting to
reject the implants. "No, Recondo, not really. It's not
our world, it's yours. Our Earth wasn't destroyed by
Daleks." Feeling kind of guilty about raising such doubts
in the youth's mind, Recondo left the bay, joined
Chewingtobacco, and sped away for Earth.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy and Kate watched the Millennium Falcon launch
away. "Take care, my friends. And may the Force be with
you!" Duh-duh-dum-dum-duh-duh-dum-dum-duh-duh-dum-dum-
duh-duh-dum. WAIT! It's not over yet! Kate wriggled
into Billy's lap, her ass raising a certain reaction in
Billy that we can't say in a child's Book and Record set.
She snuggled into his face. "So, hero, how's it feel to
truly be a Bionic Commando now?" "Oh, it's all right. If
anything, I feel better. My eyes slightly hurt from the
improved exposure that they now receive after so many
years, but other than that, everything's great. Except-"
Kate looked up, startled. "Except what?" Billy watched
as the blue medical droid shut the panel now permanently
set into Billy's hand. The droid gurgled something
unintelligible, and waltzed off. "I- I don't know, Kate.
There was... something. Something while I was
unconscious." "Your father?" "No, not just that.
Something else, something... intangibly horrible!" "Well,
maybe it was a side effect of the sensory deprivation."
BILLY WAS STUNNED! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"WHAT?" "You think you can go to the very precipice
of death and be revived as a cyborg without first being
submersed in a sensory deprivation tank?" Billy shook his
head, not so much in answering her as in the shock of what
might have just transpired. Kate shook her head in the
direction of the tank. "See for yourself." Billy looked
over at the glass tank. His eye looked over the length of
the glass, and then stopped at a thin square cable leading
away from the top of the tank. "Where does that wire
lead?" "Hmmm. It's just a modem cable." Horrible images
filled Billy's mind, images of the time he must have spent
in sensory deprivation. Loud beep after beep arousing him
from his electronically induced slumber. Each one
promised only the waiting of a grumbling, complaint from a
user, a user of the... "No! NO!" He put his hands to
his head. "I will not be a part of this any FURTHER!" He
snatched a blaster, which one must admit is an odd piece
of equipment to have laying around a medical ward, up from
a table, and lunged at the tank. "It must be destroyed!
IT MUST BE DESTROYED!" He raised the blaster, and fired,
destroying the tank on sight, setting off multiple alarms
and calling in many guards. The destruction of the
sensory deprivation tank sent an energy surge through the
cable that Billy had questioned and into the sysop at the
other end of it, still on-line with the systems that had
repaired Billy Peltzer. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
After the ensuing struggle that occurred between
Billy and the guards had been rectified and the alarms had
been shut off, Billy and Kate resumed their end-of-the-
story-meant-to-entice-the-reader-with-a-cliffhanger-
ending-so-that-he-or-she-will-return-for-the-next-story
chat. "So, what's our next move, hot shot?" "My father
revealed several things to me. I must return to the
Dago-BAH! system. Vigoda holds vital information that I
must seek if I am to beat Vader. The Empire has our copy
of The Hitch-hikers' Guide to the Galaxy. We can't return
home with out." "Well, surely we can just go to one of
the interesting planets that inhabit this universe and get
another one." "Nope. The Empire has seized all
Maximegalon publishing houses in this universe, stopping
all publications of the Guide. Then, they systematically
searched for and captured all other copies. They couldn't
have the peoples of the galaxy either escaping to our
reality to seek help, or become united in one front
against them, strengthening the Force against their favor.
But the more important question is why they won't destroy
the Guides. They must need them for something, but what?
And, I must confront Vader. He is your son." KATE WAS
STUNNED! "What? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! We left Jason with
your father on Earth." "Not Jason. The child you birthed
back in Kingston Falls." "The one that Dr. Wily horribly
turned into Quantum Man?" "The same." Kate shuttered,
not from horror, but from her trembling fingers working
their magic on her- "It seems that he was split into two
sections, his mechanical and human sides. His human side
was sent into this future reality where the Emperor
rebuilt him as the cyborg Van Vader." "Like father like
son now, eh?" Billy flashed her an evil look and then
simply flashed her. "Hmmm," Kate commented. "I see that
not even bionic implants can help your-" "Shut up, Kate,
before I crack you one good with the back o' my bionic
hand, a blow which I'm sure would break your silly neck!
Oh, don't think that the irony of my operation has slipped
by me. In fact, when I confront Vader again, I'm sure
I'll cut off his left hand and then stare at mine, flexing
it with dripping irony." BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
He looked out through the portal set into the medical
bay wall into the empty blackness before him. Somewhere
out there was his stepson, bent on his death for what he
thought he had done to him. "Son." Even though he was a
beginning Jedi, the Force was somewhat strong within him,
for from out of nowhere, Van Vader's voice filled his
head. "Father!" "Son, come with me." "No! You will
join me... and the Emperor! He too knows you still live!
Billy, it is your destiny." "Rand," Billy whispered to
his heavenly father. "Why didn't you tell me?" OH,
BLATANT! On the Eret Mensaki Ska, Vader too was staring
blankly into space. But, soon, realizing the futility of
one last desperate plea at his father's rationality was,
he simply turned away from the view port, and went to
speak with the Emperor in his private mediation chamber.
"There's still good left in him," Billy told Kate. "I
felt it... I feel it now! He's the key to defeating the
Empire and getting the book back. I must try to convert
him as he will me. I must try to bring that other self
out of him and either use it to save him, or for the good
of everything... destroy him!" Now you can play the
famous theme. Duh-duh-dum-dum-duh-duh-duh-dum...
This is the end of Star Wars: Rewritten IV \ A New Hope.
Is Vader really too much for Billy to handle? Has Billy
finally met his match? And, he hasn't even confronted the
Emperor yet! Next time, the Rebel commanders plan their
final move against the forces of evil. However, those
same forces of evil are plotting their final move, one
which may be the final move for everything! What is this
final gambit? What do Billy, Kate, Vader, the Emperor,
and The Hitch-hikers' Guide to the Galaxy have to do with
it? Where is Hank Williams? Will he return alive? Find
out the answers to these questions, and who the Emperor
finally is in Star Wars: Rewritten V \ Return of the Jedi.
Star Wars: Rewritten IV \ A New Hope @1994 by David
Minter. Based on an original story by George Lucas, the
film The Empire Strikes Back @1980 by Lucasfilm Ltd., the
film Star Wars @1976 by Twentieth Century Fox Film
Corporation, the concept of the Book and Record Set @1984
by Buena Vista Records, Star Wars: Rewritten III \ The
Empire Strikes Back @1994 by David Minter, from the Buena
Vista Books and Record Set "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes
Back" @1980 by Buena Vista Records, Star Wars: Rewritten
II \ This Island Earth @1994 by David Minter, from the
Buena Vista Book and Record Set "Star Wars" @1980 by Buena
Vista Records, Star Wars: Rewritten \ A Universe Divided
@1994 by David Minter, and material freely adapted from
Batman #497 "The Broken Bat" by Doug Moench, @1993 by DC
Comics, a division of Warner Brothers Pictures
Incorporated, a subsidiary of the Time Warner Company.
Star Wars and all related characters @1976, 1977, 1978,
1979, 1981, 1982, 1983, and 1993 by Twentieth Century Fox
Film Corporation, in association with George Lucas,
Lucasfilms, Lucasarts, and Industrial Light and Magic.
Daleks @1990 by the British Broadcasting Corporation and
Terry Nation. Created by Terry Nation, designed by
Raymond Cusick.
Buena Vista Records is a subsidiary of Walt Disney
Productions.
A STAR WARS: REWRITTEN ( tm ) BOOK AND RECORD
Give your child a head start
in learning with this
( PLACE STAR WARS: REWRITTEN BOOK HERE )
24 PAGE ( We hope! ) BOOK
filled with full-color illustrations ( Well, no there
aren't. ) and a 7 INCH ( He lies. ) 33 1/3 RPM long
playing ( I still say he's lying! )
READ-ALONG
RECORD.
PLACE STAR WARS: REWRITTEN 7 INCH 33 1/3 RPM RECORD HERE
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Each book and record \./
combination is a fun-filled
experience in music and
story adventure featuring:
. Word for Word
story narration
. Dramatic
character dialogue
( Dramatic character dialogue available at extra charge. )
. Authentic sound effects ( Somewhat. )
. Musical backgrounds ( Also costs extra. )
Manufactured and distributed by
Buena Vista Records, Burbank, CA. 91521 .Printed in U.S.A.
SEE the HEAR the READ the SCOFF at the
pictures record book writer
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