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Star Wars: Rewritten II \ This Island Earth by:
Star Wars: Rewritten II \ This Island Earth
by: David Minter
Finished 6-10-94.
Based on the movie Star Wars @1976 by Twentieth Century
Fox Film Corporation, the concept of the Book and Record
Set @1984 by Buena Vista Records, and Star Wars: Rewritten
\ A Universe Divided @1994 by David Minter.
This is the story of Star Wars: Rewritten II \ This Island
Earth. You can follow along with me in your book, a
transcript of Billy's audio diary. You will know it's
time to turn the page when hear ARGH-2-BILLY-DEE-WILLIAMS
beep like this... BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP. Let's begin...
now!
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away is where
this story may or may not take place. You're not quite
sure yet. Here's some more of what you do not yet know.
The hope of freedom in this unknown universe was just kept
from the point of death by human forces known as the
Rebellion against the evil Dalek Empire. In a daring
raid, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the
Empire's ultimate weapon- the Death Star, as well as an
excellent recipe for fondue. But as these Rebel thieves
were heading back to their base, they were pursued by a
powerful Imperial repo starship. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
On board the pitifully small Rebel craft, two droid
units wandered about aimlessly as deadly laser bolts
exploded outside. See-Thru-B-O, a tall, humanoid, golden
android, was trying his best to keep his tin can costume
from cutting his internal circuitry to ribbons as the ship
rocked back and forth. He turned to his smaller trash can
companion. "ARGH-2-BILLY-DEE-WILLIAMS, the Dalek
Destroyer is coming closer! We'll be destroyed for sure,
or at the very least mocked and spat upon! THIS STORY IS
MADNESS! It's doomed!" One of the ship's crew came
running down the hallway towards them. He ran up to
ARGH-2, stepped on one of its treads-for-feet and causing
its head to pop open like a real trash can, fished out a
half eaten apple core from his pocket, and put the trash
in its proper receptacle. He then dashed off for an
escape pod. "Oh, I wish those silly humans would stop
doing that," the little droid said with the voice of Roddy
McDowell. Before the golden droid could answer its
companion, a large blast shook the ship.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"ARGH-2, this is no time to start beeping like that!"
See-Thru complained. "That wasn't an explosion. IT'S A
TRACTOR BEAM!" Sure enough, the Dalek Destroyer had
dispatched a tractor on the end of a large hose into the
Rebel craft. The tractor's wheels spun faster and faster.
As they did so, little knives sprang out from the tires,
and began cutting into the hull of the ship. Immediately
upon depressurization, those poor Rebel soldiers who
couldn't reach escape pods in time were sucked out into
space. Only the droids, with magnets placed in their feet
or their equivalents thereof, were left in the craft when
the Daleks boarded it! Within minutes, dozens of Dalek
stormtroopers flooded in, their laser weapons raised for
battle. Through the hatch strode a black-cloaked,
helmeted figure- Van Vader! He was an oddity among the
vast Dalek empire; he was partially human. His chest bore
plates of circuitry. The vast goat's head helmet, that
could periodically emit steam for effect, bore the fact
that he was one the WCW's biggest wrestlers... Van Vader.
At his unspoken command, the Red Dalek subordinating the
mission, glided forward. "Tear this ship apart until
you've found those plans! WE'LL REPOSSESS THEM YET!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
While Van Vader and his contingency of Dalek
stormtroopers searched frantically for the stolen plans,
the Rebel droids See-Thru and ARGH-2 scurried off to one
of the escape hatches. "Damn Asimov and his three laws!"
See-Thru cursed. "As robots, we had to let the humans
escape first. But now, all the pods are gone, and we
still have to worry about those plans that Princess Leeja
entrusted to us! Do you have any ideas, ARGH-2?" "Well,
we could always use my special mode," the little droid
answered in its quirky British accent. A small, blue rod
emerged from the top of ARGH-2's dome. "Of course! Your
super secret special configuration mode! It almost seems
like something out of 'Get Smart.' ARGH-2, you're such a
genius sometimes. Of course, sometimes you're just an
ass." See-Thru went over to the ARGH-2 unit, took hold of
the small rod, and jerked on the twine it was attached to,
like he was trying to start a lawn mower. ARGH-2
sputtered for a while, before smoke emerged from the
bottom of his torso unit. He hovered in the air in front
of See-Thru-B-O before its legs turned over See-Thru's
shoulders. A series of magnetic plates attached
themselves to See-Thru's body, which judging by its
magnetic properties must not have been made of gold, but
probably iron pyrite. ARGH-2 had become a jet pack, oddly
enough! See-Thru took hold of the control that had
emerged from ARGH-2's foot, and sped away from the
compromised Rebel craft. "We'll land on that planet
below," he informed ARGH-2 as he headed for the dry,
deserted, desert planet below them.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Only seconds after the two droids blasted off, Van
Vader and his forces had completed their search of the
ship. "The plans are not here. They must have escaped
with those humans in the emergency pods." He spun around
and raised a fist. "Dispatch Imperial search probes at
once! We'll comb every inch of this sector if we have
to... but those plans must be recovered. Send out every
tank in the game grid if you have to, BUT GET THEM!"
What? "The Death Star project must not be compromised!
The Empire will succeed! The will of the Daleks and the
Emperor cannot be denied!" A Dalek glided up to Vader,
and in their uniquely silent way exchanged information.
"Excellent! I will see Princess Leeja at once!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"So, system by system, they spread out across the
galaxy." Obi Wan Kenobi rummaged through a collection of
decaying crates in his tumbled-down shack. As he did so,
he related a sad story to Billy Peltzer. "But none of
this makes no sense!" Billy added. "I can't understand-"
"Any," Ben interrupted him as he slid some sort of strange
weapon, the one he had used earlier on the two Daleks,
into his belt cache. "What?" "None of this makes any
sense. You used a double negative." Realizing he had
been caught in a grammatical error, Billy tried to
bluff/lie his way out. "I did not. I meant know, K-N-O-
W, as in to think. None of this makes know sense." It
didn't work. "Anyway, none of this makes any sense!
Daleks do not exist! They are fictional monsters on a
television show." "You must remember-" Ben interjected
again, but this time he punctuated it by waving a blaster
under Billy's nose. "-that is on your Earth." "So, this
is Earth?" "To us it is. Actually, we are the flip side
of another reality, probably yuors judging by yuor words.
Some say, we're exactly the same only different... subtly,
I mean." The same thoughts that are going through your
mind went through Billy's mind as well. "They say that
this world was created by a major galactic upheaval." "It
can't be?!" Billy whispered. "What?" "Oh, nothing.
Just... random rambling." BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"So, what were you doing out there in the desert all
alone? The Sand People are carnivores, you know." "No, I
didn't." "YOU DIDN'T? What planet have you been on?"
"Earth." "Oh. Well, never mind. I saw your woman being
harassed by the homosexual Jawas before the Sand People
overran them, ate them, and took the woman captive. How
did you arrive here? Surely, the Daleks would have
destroyed you and your craft when you came within range of
the planet." "We didn't arrive here by ship. This
brought us here." Billy reached into his pocket, and
pulled out his copy of The Hitch-hikers' Guide to the
Galaxy. Old Ben took one look at it, and fell on his face
to the ground. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"I- I don't believe it! Just as Vigoda said!"
"Vigoda?" "Yes. Abe Vigoda, my Jedi master." Billy
didn't even want to question the strange parallels in this
alternate universe. "He said the electronic book would
bring the last of the true Jedi knights to our world to
save us from the Empire. I disbelieved such foolery, of
course, and began to train my young protege, Luke
Skywalker, in the ways of the Jedi. But, I guess I'm
digressing. I really should start at the very beginning.
Take a seat. This story will take a while." Billy pulled
up a box, and sat on it. "NOT THAT ONE! That box is
filled with Kick Ass missiles, designed to seek out and
kick ass. So, as you can see, sitting on a box full of
them would highly inadvisable." Billy quickly jumped to
his feet. "I'll... just stand, if you don't mind." "You
can stand on your head for all I care. Anyway, it all
began about 40,000 years ago." Billy didn't like that
number. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Forty-thousand years ago, the glory of Earth
dominated this planet... as well it should since this is
Earth. Yet, there is always a worm in the apple. A
robotic being named Megatron made a play at wresting
control of the planet away from its people. It's
miserable attempts failed, but another more evil being
began succeeding in Megatron's stay. Golobulus introduced
something called cable tv, piloted by 'Sledge Hammer.'"
Ben wretched at the sound of that show. "Anyway, Earth's
populace became polluted. Their minds were being eaten
from within by that cable tv! Creativity was dying; the
Earth was ripe for Golobulus's conquest. However, one man
saw the direction Golobulus was taking mankind. He was an
Oriental gentlemen by the name of Bhan Du. He and a
selection of loyal followers fled the cities to live in
seclusion in the desert. There they studied White Magic
and ways to enlighten the mind. They harnessed a power
called the Force, which is an esoteric form of energy
generated by all living things. After Bhan Du passed away
to join with the Force, Abe Vigoda took over the teachings
of the Jedi, men skilled in the ways of manipulating the
Force. Using his mastery of the Force, Vigoda has managed
to keep himself alive for about 700 years now." "700
years!" "I was one of the 6th generation of Jedi taught
by Vigoda. By the time we and Vigoda were ready to tackle
Golobulus with the Force, we discovered that he had
already been put down by the Daleks."
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"So tell me, where do the Daleks fit in?" "Some say
that a while back, the night sky was torn open, and the
Emperor Dalek was born. With the help of his second in
command, Van Vader, a mechanically enhanced human whose
mind was warped by the power of Dalek science, and a few
genetically created Daleks, he swept over the Earth,
capturing human beings, removing their brains, and using
them to create more Daleks. After the Earth was
subjugated, they spread throughout the galaxy, conquering
other races and planets to fuel their evil war machine.
Now, they are amassing near the center of the galaxy for
some massive project. And, we few survivors have to stop
them!" "But, what of Earth?" "The Daleks had ravaged
this planet. They simply took as many humans as they
needed, and then dried up the Earth, turning the planet
into a vast desert. The few humans that were left alive
gathered into one colony. We built a single living
quarter which we call Canteena; we had to. We later
discovered that the Daleks left behind some genetic
experiments to deal with the survivors. They are divided
into classes we call Jawas and Sand People. You've met
the Sand People. Your companion has met the Jawas. And
now, we've got to get to Canteena!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Ben slung the last of his weapons over his soldier,
and gathered the rest of his supplies together. "I've got
a Sandspeeder hidden beneath the sand, appropriately
enough, outside." "What's so important at Canteena?" "We
can hire a ship and pilot there. We need to meet up with
the rest of the Rebel Alliance." "Rebels?" "The last of
the human beings have been meeting at Canteena. With the
rest of the survivors of the universe, the Jedi knights
formed a consortium to defeat the Daleks. Vigoda, myself,
and you are the last of the Jedi knights." Billy was
becoming rather annoyed. "I'm not this last Jedi you
referred to!" "Oh, you are... you just don't know it yet!
We need to stop the Daleks now! Most of the humans have
already left Canteena, but a few stragglers stayed behind
to pick up late comers and put up a convincing enough
front should the Daleks come back. Come! We're running
behind schedule! See-Thru! ARGH-2! Are you ready?" The
two droids we met earlier emerged from the back of the
hermit's tent. "I found these two robots a few moments
before I came upon you. In fact, they fell on me!" Ben
flashed a dirt look at See-Thru, seeing ( through ) as he
was the heavier of the two. "I'm sorry, sir. I'm
programmed to be a multi-lingual concierge, not to defy
all known laws of physics." "We mustn't forget the
Princess," ARGH_2 piped up. "Oh, yes. Leeja! Come out
and meet Billy." The beautiful woman known as Princess
Leeja stepped out from the darkness.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
TURN THE CAPS LOCK KEY OFF! The Princess was so
beautiful ( and is smart ) that he wanted to scoop her up
in his arms and bury his face in her breasts. That was
when he first noticed something was amiss. He was
definitely sure when the woman slapped him. "UNHAND ME,
YOU UNFEELING BRUTE! I saw you mentally ogling me!
SEXUAL HARASSMENT!" The Princess looked like a normal
woman in all aspects... except she had three breasts. Ben
helped Billy to his feet. "That was a stupid thing to do
to one of the royal line of Alderaan." "Alderaan?" "Yes,
it's a planet of liberal feminists," he whispered into
Billy's ear. "She crashed into Earth in an escape pod
from an orbiting ship being chased by Dalek repo craft
shortly before I found the two droids and you. Hurry now!
We must get to Canteena as quickly as possible"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Meanwhile, in another galaxy far, far away, Van Vader
was entering Kate's cell aboard a massive Dalek craft to
question her. Upon the sight of her, he was stunned. He
spun around on the Dalek guarding her cell. "THIS ISN'T
THE PRINCESS! She doesn't have three tits!" "I-DID-
NOT-SAY-SHE-WAS-THE-PRINCESS. I-SAID-SHE-MATCHED-THE-
DESCRIPTION-OF-THE-FEMALE." "What description? If not
the Princess, then which female?" The Dalek remained
silent. "Tell me!" "THAT-IS-PRIVILEGED-INFORMATION-
THAT-ONLY-THE-EMPEROR-CAN-RELEASE." The Emperor was the
heart of the Empire. All of its agents were intricately
linked to it. Everything its soldiers saw, it saw, and
Vader knew it. Somehow, he felt the Empire was hiding
something from him. "Why can't I get a hold of this...
information?" "YOU-ARE-NOT-A-TRUE-DALEK!" He knew he
wasn't; he was a cyborg, part human. "I'll take this up
with the Emperor later!" He then vented his anger on
Kate. "Where is the secret rebel base?!" Kate was
confused, which is a new tagline that I've developed as a
companion to being stunned. "I have absolutely no idea of
what you're talking about!" "Don't play games with me,
bitch! You are a part of the Rebel Alliance! Admit it!"
Kate stood firm, much like her ample cleavage. A torture
droid floated into the room. "SHALL-I-HURT-HER, MASTER?"
Vader held up his hand. "There is no need for that. Here
on the Death Star, we will make prisoners talk!" A tone
coming from the intercom system filled the cell. "Lord
Vader, I wish to speak to you!" Then, the voice went
silent. "I hate that little man!" Vader angrily turned
to leave, when he suddenly stopped. "Wait." He waltzed
back up to Kate, and bent down to stare into her face.
"Yes. I felt your presence in the Force earlier. I know
you... somehow... somewhere. Maybe... I can't believe it,
but I think you're... I'll take that up with the Emperor,
as well!" He turned and left the cell, motioning for Kate
to follow him and his Dalek guard. "Come!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
The dry, stinging air of the dead Earth wisped
through Billy's hair as Ben sped the Sandspeeder towards
Canteena. He decided to take stock of what he did and did
not know at this point. He was not in a galaxy far, far
away, merely an alternate Earth reality that he had
visited several times before. He was not in an era a long
time ago. In fact, he was many, many years into the
future. Somehow, fictional characters had conquered this
galaxy and were poised on the brink of utterly
annihilating all human life. He had met up with a
princess who had three breasts. Now, all he wanted to do
was find Kate and see if there was a way of grafting a
third breast onto her body. "We're almost at Canteena!"
Ben's voice disturbed Billy's fantasies. Since he had
already lost track of his thoughts about copulating with
Kate, Billy decided to encourage further origin
enlightening conversation with Old Bob. Wait! Wrong
movie; that was The Black Hole. THE FIRST PERSON WHO
MAKES A REMARK ABOUT THE FEMALE VULVA WILL BE...
HANDSOMELY REWARDED! "What about your Jedi student, Luke?
What happened to him?" Ben's mind wandered back to a
simpler time at the mention of his old friend's name. So
much so that he nearly avoided missing the sand dune he
had swerved into. "Ah, there lies a story that can only
be told in a flashback!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Luke Skywalker was a brilliant young man!" Old Ben
began as he backed the Sandspeeder out of the dune. "As
his name suggests, he was part Indian and his parents were
circus tightrope walkers. But, Luke was bored with and
ashamed of his parents. As such, he trashed their farm
where they made a decent second income, burned their
bodies alive, and went off to seek his fortune. He
wandered about for a long time, before he stumbled into my
hovel, nearly dead from dehydration. Seeing as how we
needed men to fight on the side of the Force against
Golobulus, I began training him to be a Jedi. However, he
grew bored with that too. He wasn't one of my better
students, either. He failed the boxes, the stones,
lifting himself. Hell, he even failed levitating the ship
with his own mind! So, before he could trash my hut and
burn me, I let him go off to live his life again. He
yearned to join the physical portion of the rebellion
against Golobulus. Heh, you've really got to give
Golobulus credit. He knows how to win a war! After his
diabolical cable tv warped men's minds, he then began the
Clone Wars. Gradually replacing the enthralled populace
with doppelgangers, he would eventually have all those who
weren't loyal to him routed out into the open, ripe for
conquest! Luke had delusions of grandeur, and thus joined
the fighting for the rebellion in the Clone Wars. That's
where our creed as Rebels came from. It was shortly
thereafter that the Daleks arrived."
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Anyway, unfortunately for Golobulus, he had not
counted on Luke's resourcefulness. With his warrior and
piloting skills, he helped turned the tide in man's favor,
and we won the Clone Wars. I must admit, he may have been
inept in the ways of the Force, but he could handle a
Chain Sword and blaster! We thought Golobulus had been
defeated, as did Luke. Once again, the glory of winning
the Clone Wars had worn off of him, and he sought
excitement elsewhere. Last I heard of him, he had moved
away to the planet Tatooine, where he had set up shop as a
private detective, of all things! He now practices
something called holistic investigating. HA! What a
cheap imitation of the Force! Anyway, as you probably
know, deep down, humans are truly worthless. We never
learn from our mistakes. So, despite all of our Jedi
warnings to the recently repopulated Earth, humankind
gladly accepted Golobulus with open arms when he
reintroduced cable tv in a second attempt at taking
control of the world! The only thing that stopped him was
the timely arrival of the Dalek Empire. We traded one
master for another! Ah! There's Canteena!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Ben brought the Sandspeeder to a halt in Canteena's
parking lot. Immediately thereafter, he began slinging
weapons over his shoulder. He handed Billy a blaster.
"Here. You'd better take this. They don't welcome
strangers very well in Canteena these days." Billy gladly
accepted the gun. As he stepped out of the Sandspeeder,
he took stock of ARGH-2's small form. "HA! You sure you
don't want to give the small fry here a gun?" Billy
amusingly patted ARGH-2's dome. "I can quite adequately
take care of myself, you Saxon git!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy took a massive swing at the tiny droid. "AND
STOP MAKING THAT 'BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!' NOISE EVERY FEW
MINUTES!" "Yes, especially here," Princess Leeja added.
"See the sign?" ARGH-2 focused one of its lenses at the
post that she was pointing to. Sure enough, it said, "We
do not serve the following here:
1.) Alcoholic beverages banned by the Tannic convention.
2.) Anyone we choose not to serve.
3.) Anything we choose not serve.
4.) Tiny droids that say 'BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!'
5.) Daleks."
"Quite an interestingly succinct sign!" See-Thru noted.
"Wouldn't you agree, ARGH-2?" The droid was worried that
its companion hadn't answered in its usual droid way.
"ARGH-2?" It turned around and was stunned to see ARGH-2
smoking and sputtering as it shook!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Meanwhile, back in that galaxy far, far away, Van
Vader forced Kate into a large observation room. From the
huge glass portal set into the wall, she marveled at the
beautiful planet hovering below them in space. It was a
nice shade of pink, and its thirty-two moons seemed to
form a string of beads around it like a solar necklace.
"Well, it's about time you arrived, Lord Vader." A
striking British voice from behind her made Kate spin
around. To her complete shock and amazement, Peter
Cushing was sitting in a large command chair glaring at
Vader. KATE WAS STUNNED! "This Death Star project of
yours is six months over schedule! The Emperor wants
results, and I wouldn't want to be the one to have to tell
him what those results may be." Vader ignored the sarcasm
drenching the human's voice. "Patience, Grand Mal
Seizure. Remember, the Empire only selects those few
organics who can keep their emotions in line. Irrational
sentiments are what led to the Earth's subjugation... just
as it could lead to yours! I've arranged a little
demonstration of the Death Star's powers, one I'm sure
which will convince the Emperor of the validity of this
project, as well as convince our unwilling Rebel female
here to talk." Vader strode over to the large, glass
plate, and waved his hand over it, motioning Kate to step
forward. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"The lovely planet you see before us is Alderaan. It
is a peaceful, little planet, populated mostly by triple
breasted women. They are absolutely no threat to us.
Therefore, I shall enjoy shattering their dreams of
peaceful co-existence with the Empire!" Vader raised his
hand, signaling the ensuing carnage to begin. Out in the
silence of space, the Death Star shook. Power was
building up internally to massive proportions. After a
few moments, large cracks and fissures appeared in the
Death Star's surface, but they weren't the results of
escaping, rampant power; they were predetermined!
Impressive Dalek engineers had designed the Death Star
with many folds and hinges. The cracks were smooth, cut
into the Death Star for a reason. Within a matter of
seconds, the perfect sphere that the Death Star had once
been had transformed into a gigantic robot!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Silence still hung supreme in the vacuum of space as
the robot raised one of its giant hands, formed a fist,
and plunged it through Alderaan, rendering the planet
non-existent! After the debris had cleared, all that
remained to tell of the existence of the once mighty
planet was a cloud of still gas, since gases do not rise
in space. Through the gleaming, black globes set into his
helmet as his eyes, Vader beamed at the destruction his
brainchild had caused. PETER CUSHING'S CHARACTER WAS
STUNNED! "I must say I'm quite... stunned! I didn't feel
a thing during the ship's transformation or movements in
robot form." "The compartments set into the Death Star
are freely suspended in a hydraulic medium, allowing them
to move into a position and at a speed that keeps the
gravitational equilibrium inside of an organic creature's
inner ear constant." "I'm sure the Emperor will agree
that this project of yours was well worth the expenditures
involved." "See that he does, Seizure. After all, as I
said before, humans are expendable if they fail." Vader
turned his attention back to Kate. "Where is your secret
Rebel base!?" "YOU'LL NEVER LEARN THAT FROM ME... EVEN IF
I DID KNOW!" she snapped back, horrified at being witness
to the destruction of a planet and being powerless to
prevent it. "Your cruel destruction of Alderaan has only
strengthened my loyalty to anyone who is against your
Empire!" Vader thought for a moment. "Fine." He then
turned his attention back to his Dalek guard. "Return her
to her cell!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy, Ben, See-Thru, the Princess, and a few
wandering minstrels all stared at the shaking ARGH-2. He
sputtered a few more times, sparked, smoked, and stopped.
That same blue rod we met earlier rose from the droid's
dome. A beam of blue light, appropriate for emerging from
a blue rod, shot out into the air in front of it. There,
scintillating against the nitrogen molecules in the air,
was the proof that Dillinger had stolen Flint's video
games. "End of line, Dillinger!" Billy breathed. No,
wait. Wrong movie and\or Buena Vista Book and Record Set.
THAT'S FROM TRON, IDIOT! There floating in the air in
front of them was the schematics for the Death Star! The
Princess stared at them for a few moments, and snapped her
fingers in recognition. "I knew I put those stolen plans
somewhere! What a stroke of luck!" That was, of course,
what worried Billy. He had fulfilled the mission that his
father had said he had set into motion for him, and so now
he could die! Leeja turned and saw the wandering
minstrels, now privy to the vital information they
possessed... information that could be sold to the Empire!
She pointed to them, drawing Billy's, Ben's, and
See-Thru's attention to them. "They've seen the plans!
They must be killed!" In a scene of carnage rarely seen
in a child's Book and Record Set, the ragtag Rebels slew
the minstrels. Even the somewhat more civilized See-Thru
took what would be construed as pleasure from strangling
his chosen humans. HA! Some good hearted Rebels these
people turned out to be! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Let us once again return to the doom and gloom of
Vader's Death Star. Kate was sobbing in her cell. All
she wanted to do was find Billy, or to be more precise for
him to find her, and leave this crazy, topsy-turvy
universe that they had been dropped into by an angry
Chinese man. She didn't want to be trapped in the bowels
of a Unicron rehash! After all, the foulest crap festers
in bowels. She also didn't like it when Vader returned
with his torture droid. The hovering robot went over to
Kate and shot out some kind of apparatus onto her
forehead. "Wh-what's it doing?" "It's simply going to
extract every bit of knowledge from your feeble organic
brain, and make a carbon copy of it. The Empire will add
what little knowledge you posses of the Rebellion to its
vast database. And there's nothing you can do about it!"
Vader was right. Already, Kate could feel pockets of
forgetfulness invade her mind as it was being copied.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
After any group of Rebel fighters who destroy
innocent bystanding musicians would do, Old Ben and the
bunch entered Canteena. Killing people can work up a
might powerful thirst. Immediately upon entering the
local tavern, filled not only with humans but also strange
alien creatures, a panhandler came up to Ben. This bum
was well versed in the arts of begging. In fact, he had
his left hand surgically removed and a tin cup grafted to
his arm in its place. "Change, sir? Change? Help a
destitute, old man besieged by Daleks?" Angered at such
an intrusion on his person for money, Ben, in a very
Mintonian way, drew his strange energy saber, and sliced
the panhandler's panhandling arm off! The bum went off
screaming, leaving a trail of blood for the bar's bouncers
to follow. Billy leaned over to See-Thru and whispered,
"I think Old Ben needs to start drinking decaf! He seems
so edgy, what with all of this Dalek invasion crap."
"Well, being a Concierge Droid Series 800, I can easily
conjure up the desired beverage." The golden disc set
into See-Thru's torso opened up. A tiny mechanical arm
emerged with a steaming-hot cup of decaffeinated coffee.
It promptly dropped the cup onto the floor, the contents
of which began eating through the linoleum there. "All
right, DROID! I saw that!" the bartender shouted. "Can't
you see the sign? 'No outside beverages allowed!' We'll
tolerate the old man's mindless cruelty, but I'll be
damned if I let some stupid robot spill drinks in my bar
that aren't my own!" He snapped his fingers, and some
other bouncers dragged See-Thru outside to be beaten.
"PSST!" Ben said, attracting Billy's attention back his
way. "See those two eying us in that booth over there?"
Billy looked past the odd, brown creature hammering nails
into the bar with its head, the walrus-looking being, and
the green man greedily stuffing pretzels into its pockets,
at the sleazy looking human and tall Sasquatch sitting in
the corner. "I think we've just found our ticket out of
here!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
As Ben led Billy through the maze of drunken
creatures, Billy's curiosity was piqued again. "Say, Ben.
That odd sword of yours. Tell me about it." Ben drew out
the sleek cylinder. At the touch of a button, an intense
beam of light shot out to form a glowing blade! "During
the early years of the Rebellion's campaigns to try and
stop the Daleks, I was assigned DK duty... Dalek Killer.
This Chain Sword is the weapon of the DK. Running along
the strand of energy are tiny energized teeth that whirl
along the edge of the blade like a chain saw. You get the
idea." Seeing as how brandishing a weapon to a
prospective employee might slightly ruin the deal, Ben
retracted the sword, and placed it back on his belt. He,
Billy, and Leeja saddled into the booth in front of the
two strangers. Although Ben hated the looks of the tall
hairy being he sat next too, he had no choice. He just
wanted to get the dealing over with. ARGH-2 slid into
place besides them. "Hello," began the human sitting with
Bigfoot. Billy knew he had seen this man somewhere
before. "I'm a brash smuggler pilot named Hank Williams."
He took a puff of the cigar he was smoking, or whatever
the hell it was, blew the smoke out, sucked it back in
again, digested it, put the cigar out on his tongue,
stepped on ARGH-2's activator plate in its foot, and
deposited the remnants of the tobacco product into
ARGH-2's head. Hank Williams? Yep, that was where Billy
had seen him before; he even looked like the famous
country music singer. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"I saw that scuffle you caused back there, old man.
Now, the normally depressed folk that populate Canteena
aren't that aggressive. So, I figure that you all want to
leave Earth as quickly as possible. At any rate, you will
eventually want to after they find out that you've got
Princess Leeja with you!" Leeja was stunned! "How did
you know it was me?" Hank chuckled. "There aren't that
many tripled breasted women on Earth, dear." Leeja
blushed. Hank's hairy companion roared his agreement.
"Oh! I forgot to introduce you to my partner in crime.
This is Chewingtobacco, and I was referring to my friend
here." He waved at the creature for good measure to make
sure his point was coming across. "He's eight feet of
solid whatever his race's name was... began with an 'M,'
as I recall." BILLY WAS STUNNED! It couldn't be... or
could it? Chewie winked at Billy almost as if to say,
"Yes, it's me!" Strange and ironic things tend to happen
in alternate realities tangent to your own.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"All right, we'll get to the point," Ben leaned
towards Hank to try and conceal their conversation from
prying ears, senors, antennae, tentacles, or what have
you. "I'm a Jedi knight." "It's not every day I get
approached by one of those! I thought you were all killed
off in the Clone Wars." "WE WENT INTO HIDING!" Ben raised
his tone to annoyed. "We didn't all die off or run like
cowards or anything of the sort! Anyway, Billy here comes
from another dimension. I believe he holds the key to
defeating the Daleks once and for all, seeing as how he's
probably the last true Jedi. His wife, also brought here
by an errant copy of The Hitch-hikers' Guide, has been
taken by the Daleks. This droid has stolen plans for the
Empire's greatest weapon, and from what we've seen of
it... IT'S BIG, both in size and ability! We need a pilot
who will take us to Princess Leeja's home planet of
Alderaan at once. There, we will meet up with the
gathered Rebel contingencies from not only Earth, but
every other sector of the galaxy. But, we need to get
those plans to the Rebel leader as soon as possible. Can
you do it?" Hank put a hand to his chin and thought.
"Sure. I can get you to Alderaan, but it'll cost you
plenty! Smuggling Rebel sympathizers through Imperial
blockades is no picnic." Once again, Chewingtobacco, in
his gratuitous role as traveling companion, grunted his
agreement, with an underlying accent that seemed almost
Arabic. "We can pay you well," Ben grinned. "How does
1,740,000 whacks with a wet bamboo pole sound?" Hank had
to admit it; it was an offer he couldn't refuse. "Looks
like you've got yourself a pilot. Barkeep! A round of
Gargleblasters for my friends here! Oh, also-" He tossed
a bag coins at the bartender. "This is to recover that
droid that your bouncers took outside! Bring him to
hanger 51 immediately! Meet me there in seventeen
minutes, guys. Oh, and be sure to be late!" Huh?
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy, Ben, the Princess, the recently restored
See-Thru, and ARGH-2 boarded Hank's ship, the Millennium
Falcon, with Dalek stormtroopers hot on their tail. Now,
as narrator, I have no idea whether this means they were
hot on their tails when boarding the Falcon or after they
had left Canteena. For the purposes of keeping the length
of this story within reason, we will assume that the
stormtroopers were hot on their tail after they left Mos
Eisley- I mean, Canteena. Only Hank's skills as a pilot
and country music singer put them safely out of the
Empire's reach. "Well, fellas! You've just been first
hand witnesses to the greatest ship in the galaxy! This
is the Millennium Falcon, gratuitously repeating what has
already been stated before. Using hyperdrive, we'll reach
Alderaan in no time. Just sit back and enjoy the light of
the stars streaking by us. But, don't look for too long.
It's terribly like being stoned, eh, Chewie?" Chewie
grunted unceremoniously. "What's so wrong with being
stoned?" Leeja, who had had many pleasurable experiences
with marijuana, said. "Ask a glass of water," Hank
answered coldly and plagiaristicly.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
In a matter of minutes, the Falcon slowed down to
normal speed. Hank looked about the empty space
surrounding them. He then consulted all his known star
charts against the data his instruments were spitting out
at him. Hank couldn't believe his eyes! He took them out
and replaced them with a fresh pair, but still the data
did not compute. "None of this makes no sense! It-"
Billy placed a hand of Hank's shoulder. "Any. Any sense.
Double negative." Hank glowered angrily at him. "Hey,
better that I correct you than Ben. He's got that Chain
Sword, remember? And he'll do it, too!" Hank looked back
over his shoulder, and cowered at the demonic grin on the
Jedi's face. "None of this makes any sense! Alderaan is
supposed to be right here!" "Oh, great!" Leeja protested.
"You probably overshot it by a whole quadrant using that
stupid hyperdrive thing of yours!" "Are you saying that I
can't pilot a ship? I, the great Hank Williams, who's had
one paperback adventure written about me, not to mention
all my hit records? I'll have you know that at the
Academy I only crashed thirteen times, accidentally
destroyed only 24 craft, and purposely killed just 7,891
innocent lives! That's a record that has held up for 17
years! I won't have you questioning my ability to safely
drive! I-" "He's right," Old, and I mean OLD, Ben said.
"This is where Alderaan used to be!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"What do you mean used to be?" shrieked the Princess.
"Planets just don't up and move about on their own!"
"Yes, they do!" Ben shouted, and curled up into a little
ball. "There's a great disturbance in the Force, a
tremor! Many trillions of lives have been wiped out! The
harmony of the life force of every living creature keeps
the structural integrity of the Force together. But,
they're gone now, and the Force is bending! A giant
planet! No, not a planet! A ship! Changing! A giant
robot! Demolishes Alderaan! VADER'S WORK!" "Knowing my
luck," Billy began, interrupting Old Ben's soliloquy.
"He's making some sort of odd, alternate Earth reference
to that WCW wrestler, Van Vader." Ben screamed again.
"But that pales in comparison to the previous assault
against the Force! Five billion! Five billion human
lives wiped out in a single instant by an all encompassing
wave of energy! Five billion lives... AN INFINITE NUMBER
OF TIMES!" He turned to stare at Billy with horror. "And
it's all your fault!" Before Billy could question the old
man's antics, Vader's huge battle station, the Death Star,
which you should already have heard of by now, was lurking
nearby and detected Old Ben's maniacal tirade on board the
Falcon! After all, they have the superior science. Using
that funny pun again, the Death Star caught the Millennium
Falcon in a tractor beam, and began pulling it aboard!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
But for now, let's leave our hero and his odd
entourage of ( possible ) friends trapped in their moment
of peril for the moment(?). Let us focus instead on
events happening in Idyllwilde, New York ( on our Earth )
that may or may not prove pertinent to this story. These
events may or may not be interesting either. In fact,
they may or may not have any bearing on anything
whatsoever. Since there's a fifty percent chance that
they are pertinent, and since there's a fifty percent
chance that they are not pertinent, and since there's a
fifty percent chance of rain tomorrow, we'll just assume
that these facts are not pertinent to the story at hand,
and that it will rain tomorrow. So, let us return to
Billy's plight. Remind me to tell you sometime about
those events that may or may not have happened in
Idyllwilde, New York. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Ha, I was right!" Hank shouted over the melee that
had been generated inside of his craft by the impending
incarceration. "It says right here in the Guide that this
is where Alderaan should be!" That was when Billy noticed
that Hank had stolen his copy of The Hitch-hikers' Guide
right from under his nose. "GIVE ME THAT!" He snatched
the electronic book from the pilot's hands. "I need that
to return to my own dimension. By the way, Ben. Even
though we're in deadly peril, could you possibly push
aside you rapidly encroaching fear and tell me about this
book?" Ben took the book from Billy to use as a prop for
his speech. "I don't know why that old, Chinese man you
were telling me about told you that it was cursed, but it
is not. The book contains all known facts about the
universe. It was designed to try and break down the walls
of intergalactic disharmony and racial tension by showing
us that we are all alike deep down. We Jedi supported it
since strengthening the inner being of all races would
strengthen the Force even further. The book, in addition
to telling you anything about any planet you ever wished
to know, can also transport you there. It has an
interdimensional, probability and improbability drive core
mechanism inside. Your wife's fooling around with the
book activated its teleportation drive, sending you to the
same place in our reality. Someone must have left it in
your dimension on a visit there. On further contemplation
of our current situation, I guess you could equally argue
that this truly is Hell!" Almost as is to press home that
point, the Death Star swallowed up the Millennium Falcon,
and sealed itself up tighter than a drum.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Let's get out of here!" Hank shouted. "Chewie, the
controls aren't responding!" "That's because we're
already trapped inside the Death Star, gregarious peon!"
ARGH-2 insufferably insulted the pilot. "How would you
like me to just shove you out of the airlock into space?!"
"Space? What space? WE'RE INSIDE THE DEATH STAR!" "WE
ARE?!" Hank shouted, incredulously. "We were caught in a
tractor beam? We were pulled inside the Death Star? In
that case, quick, everyone! Into this secret compartment,
oddly and conveniently placed into my craft. When the
Daleks search this ship, they'll think its empty." Chewie
pulled the hatch back on the secret compartment and
everyone piled in. As Hank was about to pull the hatch
shut, he looked back at the ship's view port. Already,
stormtroopers were amassing to enter the craft and search
it. "DALEKS!" he gritted. "I hate those guys!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Even if ARGH-2 hadn't beeped to tell you to turn the
page, the Daleks would have easily found the humans hiding
in their secret compartment. After all, their sensors had
already detected Old Ben's shouting. So, logic dictated
that the ship couldn't be empty when they boarded it.
Thereafter, it was simple for the fifty two sensor globes
set into the Daleks' bases to track the humans' heat
trace. In the prison cell that they shared with Kate,
Hank mused. "How could they have known about the secret
compartment? It worked in the damn movie!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Don't worry. This is not leading up to some
switching places plot. THIS IS NOT A DAVID WISE CARTOON!
Even though he was now trapped in a prison cell, at the
very least Billy was glad that he had found Kate at last.
It was Princess Leeja who finally spoke up to break the
silent, dejected tension in the cell. "Hey, has anyone
else noticed something missing here?" "What?" Hank asked
back as he took a health chomp out of Chewingtobacco's
flesh. "Where are the two droids?" Hank thought for a
moment. "I've gotta admit, that's a real poser!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
See-Thru and ARGH-2 moved along the banks of prison
cell doors that loomed in front of them. They were
looking for the nearest computer access point so that
ARGH-2 could pinpoint their companions' location. For a
couple of mindless robots, the two droids had pulled off a
piece of brilliant camouflage. When they detected the
Daleks breaking into their hiding place, they shut
themselves off, on a reboot timer to reactivate themselves
a few minutes later, so that they appeared to be nothing
but junk stored out of the way in the compartment. Later,
they emerged from the craft and pretended to be Imperial
droids, captured and forced to work for the Empire. Under
such subterfuge, they had managed to work their way into
the interrogation sector. "There's an access junction,
ARGH-2." "I can see that, golden rod! I've got camera
sensors in my dome, too!" The irate, little droid rolled
over to the computer port. A panel opened up in ARGH-2's
torso, and a junction rod emerged. It plugged into the
port, and ARGH-2 accessed the Death Star's database.
"Quite interesting. It's been shut off." "What?" "Oh,
nothing. Anyway, I've found Ben and the others. Follow
me." ARGH-2 unplugged himself from the port, and rolled
two doors down. "Ah ha, 217." "They're here?" See-Thru,
quite stunned at the fact that they had spent the past few
minutes trying to find their friends and then finding out
that they were just two doors down, scanned the last few
doors behind them: 214, 215, 216. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Inside their cell, Billy perked up. "I thought I
just heard ARGH-2's page turning signal." Sure enough,
their cell door opened up, revealing the two droids. Hank
had expected a different rescuer, but never look a gift
horse in the mouth. Otherwise, you'll be very sickened by
the sight you'll find there. "Obi Wan Kenobi, try to find
and shut off the tractor beam so we can fly out of here!"
"ARGH-2 and I can lead him to it." "Yes. I accessed the
Death Star's computer. What I was able to discern from
there, joined with the stolen plans, should prove quite
useful to the... EMPIRE!" With that stunning revelation,
ARGH-2 drew a laser pistol arm set into its torso, and
spun around on the gathered humans and Aldereanian.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Well, well, well. Vader should be well pleased. A
pilot with a heavy bounty on his head, the last survivor
of the Alderaan high council, a Jedi knight, supposedly
the last true Jedi, and some Sasquatchian creature. And,
the stolen plans are safely back in the hands of the
Empire!" PRINCESS LEEJA WAS STUNNED! "You're a Dalek
operative!" "From the very beginning. Yes, Princess.
I've been a mole in the Alderaan factor of the Rebellion
for years. It was fortuitous that you happened to place
the stolen plans in my memory banks. But, before I could
turn them back over to the Empire, your golden idiot here
bumbled his way into my plans. So, to keep my identity
secret, I had to help him escape to Earth. Speaking of
which, you better get over here with the humans, See-Thru,
so that I can keep an eye on you!" But, as ARGH-2 spun
about to bear his weapon on the golden droid, he was
stunned to find See-Thru's fist bearing right down on his
dome. Before he could react, See-Thru had thrust his fist
right into ARGH-2's central processing unit.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP! ( Recorded before hand for just
such an occasion. )
"I had suspected ARGH-2 for quite some time, but I
needed proof. Now, even though we've routed out the
Imperial spy, we've still lost the plans. I should have
seen it when he was able to access the Daleks' database
without tripping any security measures. Therefore, I
cannot access them and recopy the plans without arousing
suspicion. I believe we've lost what little hope we had
of defeating the Empire, your Highness." "See-Thru, you
always were such a pessimist! I, too, suspected ARGH-2.
So, I put doctored plans into ARGH-2's database. Had he
been in a higher echelon in the Empire, he would have
known it. The plans have always been safe with me!" With
that Princess Leeja removed her top, took hold of her
middle breast, and popped it off. Inside the fake
mammary, was a small computer disk that contained- yes,
you guessed- the stolen plans! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Your Highness!" SEE-THRU-B-O WAS STUNNED! "You're-
you're not a true Aldereanian?!" Leeja hung her head down
in shame. "I can't help it if my body didn't develop to
become as well endowed as my fellow people. They wouldn't
dare hear of an Aldereanian princess with only two tits."
"What does it matter?" Hank interrupted. It mattered a
lot to Billy. His masculine fantasies of screwing a
triple breasted woman were now shattered, as well as his
ego. He was the star of these stories, and yet here he
was playing second fiddle to a bunch of Star Wars
misanthropes. He would have to see his agent about this,
but that would have to wait. "We can find our way back to
the Falcon with Chewie's tracking device." "Here,
See-Thru. Load this." The Princess handed the droid the
disk. "You should be able to guide Ben to the tractor
beam generator now." "But where does that lead us?"
"What do you mean, Hank?" "Alderaan has been destroyed!"
"It's true!" Kate piped up. "I saw the whole horrible
thing!" "There's no need to worry. After I began
suspecting ARGH-2, I ordered the Alderaan Rebel faction to
evacuate to the real Rebel base on Dantooine. The entire
population of Alderaan had to be sacrificed to buy us this
chance. LET'S NOT WASTE IT!" "Then, let's get to the
Falcon!" Hank said impatiently. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"ALERT! ALERT! ALL-DALEK-UNITS! ALL-DALEK-UNITS!
THIS-ISN'T-DAVROS! THIS-ISN'T-DAVROS! WE-HAVE-LOST-
CONTACT-WITH-THE-ARGH-2-UNIT, AND-THE-HUMAN-CAPTIVES-ARE-
ESCAPING! INTERCEPT-AND-CAPTURE! REPEAT-CAPTURE!
DIRECTIVES-FROM-THE-EMPEROR!" "There go the alarms!"
Billy shouted! "Hurry!" Daleks began pouring out of the
corridors behind them. "HALT! DO-NOT-MOVE! DO-NOT-MOVE!
DO-NOT-MOVE!" Laser fire began filling the halls. "Lucky
thing they're not trying to kill us!" They would soon be
hopelessly outnumbered by the Dalek troops. "I NEVER
BARGAINED FOR THIS!" complained Hank between blasts. "All
I ever wanted was 1,740,000 licks! Head for the Falcon!"
"THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO!" Billy shouted as a Dalek
ray passed over his shoulder. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Up in the control center of the Death Star, Vader
watched the humans running for their craft on one monitor,
and Old Ben and See-Thru heading for the tractor reactor
on another. "I hope you're satisfied with yourself,
Vader!" Seizure complained. "I told you they should be
exterminated, but you said something about that female
prisoner being your-" "SEIZURE! Remember your place in
the Dalek Empire and SHUT UP! They're going nowhere!
I've already shut off the tractor beam, and now, I'll go
down and recapture the two strangers!" With that, Vader
triumphantly strode out of the room, heading for the
tractor reactor room. As we walked, he patted the small,
retracted Chain Sword in his belt.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Ben and See-Thru succeeded in eluding their Dalek
pursuers and sealed themselves off in the tractor reactor
room with Billy, Kate, Leeja, Hank, and Chewingtobacco.
"How did we all manage to get back together after going
off in separate directions?" Billy questioned. "And
without no one noticing?" "The Force works in mysterious
ways," Ben commented philosophically. "Now then, to shut
off the reactor." Ben hurried over to the controls,
which, since he was a Jedi, he knew by heart? Anyway, he
must have because he noticed the anomaly immediately.
"Something's wrong here." "What?" Ben spun around and
faced Hank. "It's already been shut off!" "Exactly!"
The cold, mechanical voice of Van Vader invaded the room.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
He stepped out of the shadows and faced Obi Wan. To
accentuate his glorious presence in the room, Vader blew
three puffs of steam from his mask. "So, we finally meet,
Obi Wan Kenobi. It shall be a pleasure destroying the
last Jedi knight! Say, good night, knight!" "If you
destroy me, Van, I will only grow stronger!" "HA! Both
you and I know that isn't true. Science is more powerful
that your silly religion! Even if what you believe is
true, your death will damage the integrity of the Force in
which you believe! I've shut off the tractor beam so that
the two strangers who have invaded our dimension can
safely leave. They must live, for now! Emperor's orders.
However, you must not be allowed to help them. They must
realize their destiny! You have no idea what they may
mean to the Empire!" "Oh, believe me, Vader. I do!" As
if that was a challenge, Ben drew his Chain Sword and
activated it. "HA! The puny weapon of the DK! Well,
then, look at this." Vader drew his saber as well.
"Where did such a blaspheming evildoer such as yourself
get that?!" "Oh, I took it from the dead clutches of a
Rebel warrior. You may recognize his name: LUKE
SKYWALKER!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
BEN WAS STUNNED! "So, what I believed was true!
Billy, Kate! GO! Don't let yourselves fall to the Dark
Side of the Force! Run, Billy, run!" Billy and Kate
followed Hank and the others into the Falcon. "What you
foolishly refer to as the Dark Side of the Force is
science, the perfect sect of logic! And because you
refuse to bend to it, you shall easily be destroyed!"
Vader angrily drew his sword behind his back and swung it
into Old Ben's cloaks! Since his attention was drawn
towards his escaping friends, Ben wasn't prepared for the
blow! Vader's sword cut into Ben's heart. The look of
stunned death invaded Ben's countenance, as his lifeless
body fell to the floor, but not in a puff of logic. Billy
was stunned by the old man's apparent lack of fighting
finesse. Some Jedi he turned out to be! What was Billy's
world coming to? Not the end that he had so desperately
hoped it would be. Two years of tranquility were being
ruptured by his being drawn into yet another world saving
quest! Hank, not giving a damn about anyone else's
problems, put the Falcon into hyperspeed, and shot out of
the Death Star, heading for the safety of the coordinates
of the secret Rebel base that Leeja had given him. "Your
Highness," he began sarcastically. "You better stuff that
fake tit of yours back into you bra, because we're heading
for the Rebel base on Dantooine!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Well, to make a long story short, the Rebels
discovered the weakness in the Death Star and blew it up.
What? That won't do? You want the WHOLE thing? Oh, all
right. The fake tit worked. The Princess turned over the
plans inside See-Thru to Rebel scientists who poured over
them, searching for a weakness in the Death Star.
Finally, the Death Star's weak point was found- Rebel
pilots had hit to an exposed exhaust port with proton
torpedoes. We won't tell you on what part of the robot's
body that port is, since you can pretty well guess. The
exhaust port was necessary to release excess radiation
from the craft at predetermined intervals. What was
unfortunate about proton torpedoes was that they had
proven to be highly volatile. They often exploded
immediately after the fire button was pressed. But, it
was the only chance that the Rebels had of destroying the
Daleks' dreadnought. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"I can't believe you're going through with this!"
Kate pleaded with Billy. "You're risking your life with
unproven weapons! Hell, you've never even piloted
before!" "That's why Hank has agreed to train me on the
simulator." "BUT WHY THE HELL WHY?" she asked again
somewhat annoyingly redundantly. "You heard Ben's last
words. Once again, you and I decide the fate of a
world... MULTIPLE WORLDS! But, the Rebel forces are
pitifully small, compared to the might of the Imperial
legions. They need all the hands they can get!" He
approached the Wing Commander II simulation booth where
Hank was waiting. "Well, kid. This is it, DO OR DIE
TIME!" Billy stepped into the cabin, and slipped the
virtual reality helmet over his head, first making sure
there wasn't a label that read "Dr. Wily Death Dealing
Robots, Inc." on it, and took hold of the controls.
"Don't worry, Kate. I've beaten this game thousands of
times on the PC in my office. How much difficult can this
be! I'm ready to kick some Kilrathi ass!" With that,
Hank dropped a quarter into the slot and stepped back.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Several minutes later, Hank's quarter had run out and
Billy's test run was complete. He emerged from the
simulator and asked Hank how well he had done. Hank
peered at the machine's LCD readouts. "Well, kid. You
were absolutely... dreadful! You didn't even shoot down a
single Kilrathi! The only kill you scored was by shooting
down your own wingman in cold blood! Looks like my record
at the Academy is in no way in jeopardy!" BILLY WAS
ASHAMED! "However, you didn't get yourself shot down, and
you at least piloted the craft fairly well. The Rebel
commander of this bombing run would probably be happy to
accept even your help. Who knows? With a little luck,
you might even survive the approach! Welcome to the ranks
of the X-rated pilots!" "X-rated pilots?" "Yes. Don't
you even know who the Rebel X-ships work?" "No, I don't
come from around these parts, remember?" "The craft are
powered by the energy generated from the sheer nudity of
the pilot. No one knows why. So, you'd better go get
dressed, or rather undressed, for the mission!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Don't do this!" Kate was pleading once again!
"DON'T GO!" "I have to! The Empire holds some kind of
secret pertinent to our lives. They won't just tell us,
so we'll have to force them to talk! That means we must
first defeat the Daleks. Otherwise, we may have to remain
trapped in this crazy universe forever! The last Jedi,
Vigoda, may know something, but if the Death Star remains
operational, I may never get their safely. The least you
could do is wish me luck!" "ALL RIGHT! If you're crazy
enough to risk your life so foolishly, go ahead! But,
remember. You're not immortal anymore! Like you said
your father had said, you can die now! But, here. Take
this for good luck." Kate tossed one of those pink urinal
cakes into Billy's X-rated craft. "At the very least, let
me undress you for the mission. It may be... for the last
time!" Billy reached down and kissed his wife as she did
the deed of undressing her husband.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy hated being a Rebel pilot now. The cold metal
of the seat was wreaking havoc with his scrotum. There
wasn't a single shred of plastic on the seat, and the
urinal cake was stabbing into the flesh of his thighs.
Yes, the cabin of the X-rated ship was that cramped. In
the black, uncompromising nothing of space, Billy began
musing on the validity of this mission as he approached
the Death Star. "Even if we're not shot down, zeroing in
on that tiny target will be practically impossible."
"HEADS UP!" called the Rebel squadron leader. "TITHE
fighters approaching!" TITHE fighters are the Dalek
signature craft. One manned, or rather Daleked, ship that
can sweep through the blackness of space and take ten
percent of your income in a single pass. Usually, what
they prefer to do is sweep by and take ten percent of your
ship's energy or your life force! As the two enemy fleets
engaged, the blackness of space was lit by beams from
hundreds of laser cannons! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
The squadron leader spoke again. "There's the target
at the end of that trench in the Death Star's surface.
Begin bombing run... NOW!" As Billy and the rest of the
surviving pilots dipped into the trench, several TITHE
fighters followed, joined by a new, black craft of
different design. As Billy took stock of the new enemy, a
TITHE fighter blew the ship flying wingman with him apart.
The nude pilot floated unprotected in space for a moment.
Pain became frozen on his face as the freezing vacuum
burned at his exposed genitals. The very fluids in his
body boiled in the pressure cooker of space. Finally, his
body burst open, revealing the gooey contents inside.
Billy sped faster, not wishing to join his poor comrade in
his fate! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Piloting the intruding Imperial craft was Van Vader.
He had decided to enter the fray, and assess the possible
damage that the Rebel X-wings could do to his precious
Death Star. X-wings skimmed the surface of a particular
trench time and again, but were shot down by his force's
TITHE fighters, crashed into the sides of the trench, blew
up the moment they fired their proton torpedoes, shot down
their own forces by mistake, or missed whatever target
they were aiming at completely. His computer enhanced
brain assessed the possible targets that the Rebel forces
could be aiming for. "Van Vader to Death Star! VAN VADER
TO DEATH STAR CONTROL! Seizure! Do you hear me?!" "What
is it now, Vader? Do these puny Rebel craft threaten your
perfect weapon? Are not our glorious TITHE fighters
enough to handle their-" "LISTEN TO ME, YOU INSUFFERABLE
ROT! The stolen plans weren't destroyed with our Rebel
operative! Examine those schematics he uploaded." A few
seconds later, Seizure had completed the scan. "Lord
Vader! The plans copied back into our database are
fakes!" "I GUESSED THAT, YOU FOOL! Why didn't you scan
them immediately after they arrived?" "We just assumed
they were-" "ENOUGH! Why weren't the captives searched
for the plans on their person?!" "Well, we also just
assumed-" "SEIZURE, I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS!" "We
should have had the prisoners eliminated like I suggested.
But, no! You wanted-" "There will be time for
recriminations later! Right now, the Rebels have detected
the exhaust port in the Death Star's station mode!
They're going to drop proton torpedoes into it and attempt
to blow our nuclear stockpile! The Death Star's
anthropomorphic mode protects the exhaust port. I'm
joining the TITHE fighter to try and bring down the Rebel
assault. Begin the Death Star's transformation sequence!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Van Vader zoomed in on Billy's craft in the trench.
Had he known it was Billy's ship, he probably would have
let him go on his way. He had far more to gain by letting
Billy destroy his Death Star and keeping him alive than by
killing Billy to save it. However, he did not know, so he
began locking in on Billy's craft. Vader prepared to
fire! Suddenly, a familiar ship swooped down, fired, and
sent Vader's ship spinning out of control through space.
"You'd better watch your back!" It was Hank Williams in
his Millennium Falcon! "The Princess says intelligence
says that the stolen plans say that the Death Star is
preparing to transform into a giant robot!" Billy had
guessed as much, judging from the large slabs of metal
retreating into the surface of the ship and the fact that
the trench was becoming much more difficult to traverse.
"Once there, the exhaust hatch will be completely
protected, sealed off from outside attempts to compromise
it! You're the only one in those trenches right now!
Okay, kid! You're all clear. Good luck!" Billy steadied
his hands on the controls, steadied his nude body in the
cockpit and prayed. The next voice he heard was his
father's! "Use luck, Billy! Or, as Obi Wan Kenobi would
say, the Force!" Billy couldn't believe he was doing it,
but he closed his eyes, and put his trust in luck, what he
now knew was this thing that Ben had called the Force.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy concentrated on the target, pressed his
controls, and fired. The proton torpedoes flew straight
and true into the exhaust port. "YES!" Billy had to
congratulate himself. After all, it may be the last thing
he ever did! Billy pulled back on the control stick, and
the X-wing lifted away from the trench. Trusting in the
Force\luck, he let it weave the ship in between the
contracting and restricting metal passageways of the
transforming ship, and out into the safety of free space.
As Billy sped away from the robot's buttocks ( Oops! I
gave it away! ) to join the rest of the surviving Rebel
pilots, the Death Star completed its transformation. Up
in its control tower, General Grand Mal Seizure beamed
with power. "AND NOW I'LL SHOW VADER WHO'S BETTER!" As
Seizure took hold of the Death Star Robot's controls, just
as he was about to feel his first taste of true power, the
proton torpedoes struck the ship's nuclear stockpile
fueling the craft. The resulting exothermic reactions
sped through every corner of the ship, finally engulfing
Seizure totally! As the Rebel X-wing craft sped away, the
Death Star exploded into a dazzling ball of flame!" In
his Millennium Falcon, Hank shouted in exuberance.
"YAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOO! THAT SHOT WAS ONE IN TWO, KID!"
BEEP_BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
THE REBELLION WAS STUNNED! For the first time since
the rise of the Empire, the Rebels had dealt the Daleks a
major defeat. They had lost their main battle platform,
and two of their highest ranking officials were gone, at
least one of whom was dead, and the loss of a major
garrison of Dalek stormtroopers. Not bad for a few years
suffering. Back at the secret Rebel base, the leader of
the resistance, Mommy Mothra, a large, winged moth like
creature, congratulated her Rebel pilots. "Well done,
people. We have won a big victory today. When you
return, there shall be a celebration. However, we must
also remember those who lost their lives to buy us this
battle: the trillions of people on Alderaan, the
unfortunate X-wing pilots who will not be returning to
base, and the last Jedi knight, Obi Wan Kenobi." Mommy
Mothra stared at the large collection of junk that the
Death Star had become. She followed the Death Star
robot's head as it spun away to take up orbit around a
planet populated by robots, who would later come to fear
the brief time that that head orbited their world. The
head then sped away and crashed into a planet full of apes
who worried that a humanoid head may send the whole planet
to hell. SHIT! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy Peltzer had succeeded with Hank William's,
Chewingtobacco's, Princess Leeja's, See-Thru-B-O's, Obi
Wan Kenobi's, and the entire Rebel fleet's help. Back at
the Rebels' secret base, Billy received a hero's welcome.
In a grand ceremony, Princess Leeja placed a medal around
his neck and those of all the Rebel pilots, while the rest
of the joyful Rebels looked on, dreaming and wishing that
they could win wars as well. Billy Peltzer, the simple
corporate head who had saved the world four other times
before, had saved this one, for the time being, and proved
himself a valuable asset to the Rebel cause. As the Rebel
celebration finally broke up, after all they had other
battles to wage, Hank pulled Billy aside. "Look, kid. I
know you've proven yourself a valuable asset to the Rebel
cause and all, but there's still something about an
outstanding debt that the old man owed me that we must
work out." Hank picked up a paddle and led Billy into a
side room. What's that? You don't like a happy ending?
All right then. I'll tack on a gratuitous "We shall rise
again!" ending, just make this long story that much
longer. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Van Vader's ship still spun through the depths of
space, propelled along by inertia. Inside the ship, Vader
was reporting in to his superior... THE EMPEROR! "REPORT,
VADER." "The Rebels have destroyed the Death Star, your
Highness." "THE-EMPIRE-PUT-MANY-MONTHS-AND-SUPPLIES-INTO-
CONSTRUCTING-THAT-CRAFT. YOU-HAD-BETTER-HAVE-A-GOOD-
EXPLANATION." "The Rebels have two mysterious humans
working for them. Did you receive the mental copy we made
of the female prisoner?" "AFFIRMATIVE." "And?"
"YOUR-INITIAL-CONCEPTION-HAS-BEEN-PROVEN-TRUE. WE-HAVE-
HAD-CONTACT-WITH-THE-PRISONERS-BEFORE. HOWEVER-THE-MALE-
CONCERNS-US-MOST! HE-MUST-BE-BENT-TO-THE-WILL-OF-THE
EMPIRE!" "Send a rescue craft to retrieve me. After I
have had a chance to fully peruse the female's database, I
feel confident that we can lure the male to... 'the Dark
Side of the Force!' AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
This is the end of Star Wars: Rewritten II \ This Island
Earth. Well, Ben's dead, the triple titted woman has been
proven to be false, ARGH-2 turned out to be a traitor,
Hank and Chewingtobacco joined the crew, Billy and Kate
have been lovingly reunited, we've been introduced to Van
Vader and the Emperor, I've killed off General Grand Mal
Seizure, blew up the Death Star, and all at the cost of
only trillions of Aldereanian lives! I think that's
pretty good. But, the Rebels won't have much time for
celebrating when they learn what the Empire has in store
for them next! The Rebellion is on the run next time in
Star Wars: Rewritten III \ The Empire Strikes Back!
Star Wars: Rewritten II \ This Island Earth @1994 by David
Minter. Based on the movie Star Wars @1976 by Twentieth
Century Fox Film Corporation, the concept of the Book and
Record Set @1984 by Buena Vista Records, and Star Wars:
Rewritten \ A Universe Divided @1994 by David Minter.
Star Wars and all related characters @1976, 1977, 1978,
1979, 1981, 1982, 1983, and 1993 by Twentieth Century Fox
Film Corporation, in association with George Lucas,
Lucasfilms, Lucasarts, and Industrial Light and Magic.
Daleks and all related characters @1990 by the British
Broadcasting Corporation and Terry Nation. Created by
Terry Nation. Designed by Raymond Cusick.
Buena Vista Records is a subsidiary of Walt Disney
Productions.
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