Sexual Abuse Recount and Opinion

by John Tate

I am not confortable with publishing this at all. I wrote it not long ago and I hope you can learn somthing from it.

I am publishing this because I feel the main problem is that things like this are usually kept in the dark, or are surrounded in psychobabble and things the average person would not understand.

Sexual Abuse from a victim.

Over the last year I have dedicated time to recalling what happened to me when I was sexually abused. I do think that to just get over it is healthy, I often have emotional outburts thinking about what happened to me. However I am not doing this to help myself, but hopefully help others understand what was going through my mind while I was being sexually abused. I wanted to research this because I feel I can help others who have been sexually abused, and also help others not make the mistakes that I feel affected my emotional and psychological well being when I was a child.

When I was being abused, in about grade one to about grade three if I can recall. The way I was treated what appauling due to the ignorance of many of my teachers. Because I was being abused I had images of sex in my mind, and was potentionally a risk to other students in my class and there well being. I realise this, and also realise it was not my fault now. However I have got to become friends with victims of sexual abuse, many still have difficulties understanding they did nothing wrong.

However when I acted upon sexual behavior, rather then them seeing somthing was wrong, I was punished for what I had done (literally, I would say things and get in trouble that most kids would never know at that age). This made me feel that what I was doing with my grandfather had me in the wrong.

My abuser never made any 'threats', Soceity itself made me feel like an outcast for it, and made me want to try and hide what I was doing. I was probably asked about being abused in a subliminal nature, however the impression on my mind was that it was bad.

This did not stop me from being sexually active at a very young age, it just made me want to hide what was happening behind the scenes more. Because of curiousity and the fact that when I was that young I had no understanding of sex in any way at all, it all seemed very much fun at first. It always did seem fun, when I was sexually stimulated myself for example. My sexual abuse like a lot of other victims who have been abused over a period of time also are told a lot about sex at a young age by the abuser. This made me curious of sex at young age, and is also naturally positivly stimulating.

I will admit to it now that me and a girl were sexually active in grade 2. (However a lot of kids experiment with things like that even at a young age, and its normal, some of the things I did, were not)

The abuse ended in around grade 3 of school. When it was discovered my perants that I had thrush. They could not find how I would get thrush and kept trying to discover what had happened. I eventually opened up and told my mother nothing but the name the abuser while balling my eyes out saying im sorry.

After I realised I was basically used and that I had done nothing wrong myself I was a very angry lad,

Of course none of this gave me the idea sex was wrong, or anything similar (as is the usual case). Regarding this I feel I let myself down I feel with my ongoing sexual activity at one point, including being used by parters, etc. I have experimented with sex with both sexes, I consider myself bisexual nowdays. I must admit I wonder if this would changed at all.

If you were sexually abused, it is hard to come to terms with what happened, you have to understand that you were not alone, and that you are never in the wrong regardless of the circumstances.

If you suspect someone is being sexually abused, I urge you speak out.

I hope this document can parhaps educate others. If you disagree with any opinions in the article feel free to email me at [email protected] and share your points with me. (Or in the thread)

You may share this document freely.

Copyleft John Tate 2004.

(seek www.gnu.org to understand what a copyleft is).