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Not a cow story
Charles Delarue
P.O. Box 575
Berkeley, CA 94701
Voice message: (415) 874-4786
Modem: (415) 849-2935
NOT A COW STORY
by Charles Delarue
A very small town in cow country. No cows in this town
however. Only barricudas. They live underneath the porches in
the front of houses of old caucasian women. One barricuda to a
porch. There are many houses like this in the very small town.
There are a few other houses but three do not have porches and
the other four do not have old caucasian women living in them.
So no barricudas live under them.
Barricudas reportedly like to live only under porches in
front of houses of old caucasian women. This is only assumed
because none of the people who live in the very small town has
ever asked any of these barrcudas why they live only under
porches in the front of houses of old caucasian women. None of
the people has ever asked any of these barricudas because none of
the people in this town can speak. It is not that they can not
speak the language of the barricudas but that they are all mutes.
The barricudas communicate by means of farts and tap
dancing. Almost every barricuda in this very small town has two
feet on which they wear black hard heeled tap shoes. The only
exception is one barricuda who lives under the porch of a large
pink house near one end of the only road that goes through this
very small town. This barricuda has no feet because they were
pulled off by a young boy five months ago in a fit of pique when
the barricuda refused to submit to a blood test at the hands of
the boy's pencil and attempted to run away.
The boy wanted to see what color blood the barricuda had
because he had seen his parents say in sign language that no one
even knew what color the barricudas' blood was. The boy's
parents at the time were discussing a mass attempt by the people
in the very small town to kill every barricuda in the town. The
people in the town want to kill every barricuda because the
barricudas are noisy.
Every first morning after a lunar eclipse at exactly four
o'clock every barricuda in the very small town starts screaming
and whining. This screaming and whining lasts exactly seven
hours at which time the barricudas become silent again until the
next first morning after a lunar eclipse. The noise of the
barricudas is such that no person in the very small town can
sleep during the time that the barricudas are screaming and
whining. A lunar eclipse does not occur very often but in the
past four years five have occured in the very small town and the
people in the town have had just about enough by this point. So
the people are beginning to seriously discuss getting rid of the
barricudas.
The parents of the boy who pulled off the feet of the
barricuda that lives under the porch of the large pink house near
one end of the only road that went through this very small town
who were discussing getting rid of all the barricudas in their
very small town were communicating in a sign language that had
been invented by the barricudas. All the people in the very
small town communicate by means of this same sign language. The
barricudas can not communicate in this sign language to each
other or to the people because they have no hands. The sign
language requires hands.
Besides they like to fart and tap dance because they are
very musical. When they scream and whine during the first
morning after every lunar eclipse they are singing. The
barricudas have fun screaming and whining and they always enjoy
themselves farting and tap dancing because they think
conversation and music are good. The people in the very small
town however do not think the barricudas' farting, whining,
screaming, and tap dancing are good. None of it is musical to
them. The music the people like are the sounds of breaking
things. Like cracking dishes and ripping pants knees and short
circuiting light switches.
Sometimes all the people in the very small town gather
together to short circuit things. They short circuit themselves
and each other and their hair sticks straight up and they laugh.
The barricudas don't like the people's laugh. It makes their
teeth tingle.
All the barricudas including the one with no feet have lots
and lots of teeth. Each tooth in a barricuda's mouth is a
different color. Every color in the rainbow and even some colors
probably hard to find in the rainbow is represented in every
barricuda's mouth. The barricuda's like their own and each
other's mouth because of all the colors. Each barricuda sees the
colors when looking at another barricuda even if the other
barricuda has its mouth closed. That is because the skin of the
barricudas is transparent. The barricudas feel the colors inside
their own mouths and all inside their barricuda bodies.
One morning after a particularly good short circuiting all
the people in the very small town gather in the middle of the
only road that goes through the town. Each person has a pogo
stick except one person who has a car. The person who has a car
is the oldest person in the very small town. This person once
won an award given to him by all the other people in the very
small town for being the only person in the very small town never
to have farted. None of the other people in the very small town
have ever farted either but no one seems to have given any of
them awards for it. The person who has a car and who won an
award for being the only person in the very small town never to
have farted was the first person ever to point out that he had
never farted.
The barricudas who can understand the people in the very
small town when they communicate with their hands using sign
language think that all the people in the very small town are
funny except the one with a car who won an award for being the
only person in the town never to have farted. The barricudas
also think that the car is funny but they do however take pogo
sticks very seriously. The last time all the barricudas in this
town screamed and whined during the first morning after a lunar
eclipse one of them was pogoed to death by one of the people in
the very small town. The barricuda that got pogoed lived under
the porch in front of the home of a young negro man. It was one
of the old caucasian women who all have barricudas living under
the porches of their houses that pogoed the barricuda that lived
under the porch in front of the home of the young negro man to
death.
Now almost all of the people gathered in the middle of the
only road that goes through the very small town who have pogo
sticks also have mechanical pencil sharpeners. The only
exceptions are two people who do not own any pencils and the
person who has a car and who won an award for being the only
person in the very small town never to have farted. All the
other people in the town own pencils. The person who has a car
does not have a mechanical pencil sharpener because he has an
electric one instead. It is very electric and all the other
people in the very small town with the exception of the two
people who do not own any pencils like it.
All the people gathered in the middle of the only road that
goes through the very small town and who have pogosticks begin to
pogo. They pogo up and down and their hair flies in the air.
Glasses and hats on some of the people fly off but no one
retrieves them. The people are pogoing so hard they do not seem
to be able to stop. The person in the car sits and watches the
other people pogoing and going up and down with their hair and
hats and glasses flying. He does not attempt to retrieve the
glasses and hats because he is daydreaming. He is thinking of
the sound of his electric pencil sharpener. The electric pencil
sharpener that belongs to the person who has a car and who is the
oldest person in the very small town and who once won an award
given to him by every other person in the town for being the only
person in the very small town never to have farted makes a short
circuiting sound when it is used to sharpen pencils. This old
person is not sharpening any pencils now but he is thinking about
the short circuiting sound his electric pencil sharpener would
make if he actually was sharpening pencils.
One of the barricudas can see the people pogoing from under
the porch where he is trying to sleep. None of the barricudas in
the town can sleep at this moment because the vibration of all
the pogoing is making the ground shake. All the barricudas are
very sensitive to the shaking ground. It disrupts their thinking
so they can not sleep. The barricudas need to think about colors
in order to sleep and all they can think about at this moment is
the shaking ground.
The barricudas can still communicate however. The barricuda
that can see the people pogoing starts farting and tap dancing.
He is telling the other barricudas that can not see any people
pogoing why the ground is shaking. He also tells the other
barricudas that the shaking of the ground must be stopped. The
barricuda that can see the people pogoing and who is telling the
other barricudas why the ground is shaking does not give any
reason why the shaking of the ground must be stopped.
The people pogoing up and down with their hair and hats and
glasses flying are pogoing so hard now that they do not notice
that every barricuda in the very small town except one has come
out from under the porches in front of the homes of the old
caucasian women and are running toward the people pogoing. The
barricuda with no feet remains under the porch of the large pink
house near one end of the only road that goes through this very
small town. She listens and feels the ground shaking. She does
not like it but she does not need any sleep. This barricuda went
to sleep earlier than usual last night because she had a
toothache. The tooth that ached was colored burgundy and it
still aches this morning but the shaking ground seems to help
quell the ache. But this barricuda still does not like the
shaking ground because she is scared. She remains silent.
All the other barricudas have now reached the people of the
very small town who are pogoing in the middle of the only road
that goes through the town. The barricudas attempt to bite the
people pogoing. The people pogo all the barricudas to death.
The barricudas are smashed under the pogo sticks when the pogo
sticks come down with people's hair sticking straight up. The
barricudas are soft and so their bodies can not withstand the
force of the pogo sticks coming down on top of them.
The old person in the car sees all the barricudas getting
smashed and he laughs. The laugh is so noisy that the barricuda
with no feet remaining under the porch of the large pink house
near one end of the only road that goes through this very small
town hears it and her teeth start to tingle. The tingle makes
her aching tooth ache more than it ever has before. The
barricuda starts screaming and whining. She is singing a very
sad song that she learned from another barricuda in the very
small town. That other barricuda has just been smashed to death
by a pogo stick.
The people of the very small town stop pogoing when they
hear the screaming and whining coming from the barricuda with no
feet. They stand still and listen to the screaming and whining.
They do not like it but they are too tired from pogoing up and
down to do anything about it. The old person in the car however
turns on the car and drives to the porch that the screaming and
whining barricuda is remaining under. He is not laughing
anymore. When he gets there he turns on his electric pencil
sharpener and begins sharpening pencils. This makes him calmer
and he does not mind the screaming and whining so much.
The screaming and whining have not stopped even though the
old person in the car has stopped laughing. The barricuda
screaming and whining can not stop because she is scared. The
old person in the car however is doing nothing but sharpening
pencils. In the middle of a particularly stubby pencil the
electric pencil sharpener short circuits. The electric pencil
sharpener short circuits the old person in the car who won an
award for not farting. The old person in the car who has never
farted dies from the short circuit and the electric pencil
sharpener becomes silent.
The barricuda with no feet continues to scream and whine.
The screaming and whining has now begun to take on an odd tone
such as has never before come from any of the barricudas in this
very small town. This new screaming and whining sounds maniacal
to the ears of the people of the very small town standing
motionless with their motionless pogo sticks amid the litter of
motionless barricudas. None of the people like this maniacal
sound. All of them drop their pogo sticks and run toward the
porch of the large pink house where the one remaining barricuda
is maniacally screaming and whining. All of them are carrying
their mechanical pencil sharpeners except for the two people who
do not own any pencils or mechanical pencil sharpeners.
The first person to reach the porch is one of the people of
the very small town who does not own a mechanical pencil
sharpener. He stops and stands next to the porch looking at the
barricuda maniacally screaming and whining. The second person to
reach the porch is the other person of the very small town who
does not own a mechanical pencil sharpener. She stops and stands
next to the first person and looks at the barricuda maniacally
screaming and whining. A third person reaches the porch and
jumps up the steps on top of it. The barricuda instantly becomes
silent. There is no sound from anywhere. Even the sound of the
other people running toward the porch is almost nonexistant by
comparison to the maniacal screaming and whining noise that has
just stopped.
All of the people in the very small town reach the porch.
The barricuda with no feet is silent. The two people who do not
own any pencils or mechanical pencil sharpeners are standing
there. The third person to have reached the porch stands there
on top of the porch. The other people who have just reached the
porch stop and look around at each other and at the two people
who do not own any pencils and at the person on top of the porch.
The people who have just reached the porch are confused. The
person on top of the porch is also confused. The person on top
of the porch is the old caucasian woman who lives in the house
which this porch is in front of. All of these people are
confused because they do not know what to do now that the
maniacal screaming and whining has stopped.
The two people who do not own any pencils however are not
confused. They turn to look at each other and then they both
look at the mass of people including the old caucasian woman on
top of the porch who want to kill every barricuda in the very
small town. The two people who do not own any pencils and so do
not have any mechanical pencil sharpeners run over to the car
containing the dead old person who had never farted and had won
an award for it and grab the electric pencil sharpener. They
rush at one after another of the people of the very small town
standing confused looking around. The two people who do not own
any mechanical pencil sharpeners are using the electric pencil
sharpener to short circuit all the other people of the very small
town except for the old caucasian woman on top of the porch who
lives in the house which the porch is in front of. All the
people who short ciruit die. The short circuit is very strong.
It is stronger than any short circuit the people have ever felt.
They are not laughing. They are dying. Their mechanical pencil
sharpeners are useless in fending off the electric pencil
sharpener.
The old caucasian woman on top of the porch sees all the
people being short circuited and not laughing. She jumps down
the steps of the porch but her feet get caught between the
boards. The barricuda under the porch sinks her lots and lots of
colored teeth into the old caucasian woman's feet. The old
caucasian woman tries to get away and her feet are pulled off by
the barriucda that is lockjawed onto them. She falls off the
porch and lands on the ground next to it.
The barricuda is enjoying herself chewing on the old
caucasian woman's former feet. All of the confused people have
now been short circuited to death and they are no longer
confused. They are just dead.
The two people with the electric pencil sharpener throw it
on the ground. It lands near the old caucasian woman who is not
dead. Just feetless. The two people crawl over to the barricuda
under the porch. The barricuda stops chewing and looks at the
two people. The feetles barricuda is suddenly sick and disgusted
with chewing on the old caucasian woman's former feet. She spits
out the remaining pieces of old caucasian woman feet in her
colored tooth filled mouth.
The old caucasian woman sees the two people so close. She
sees the electric pencil sharpener so close. She picks up the
electric pencil sharpener and attempts to short circuit the two
people who never owned any pencils or pencl sharpeners either
mechanical or electric. The two people short circuit but the old
caucasian woman short circuits herself in the process. All three
of them die from the very strong short circuit in the electric
penil sharpener formerly owned by the oldest person in the very
small town who once won an award given to him by every other
person in the town because he was the first person ever to point
out that he had never farted.
The barricuda with no feet starts screaming and whining
again. She screams and whines very softly however. And it is
not maniacal. It is very beautiful. But only to other
barricudas. However since there are no other barricudas in this
very small town now no judgement of beauty can be made except by
the lone barricuda singing. The lone singing feetless barricuda
under the porch does not care. She just keeps singing. She will
eventually sing herself to sleep. It will be the only time any
barricuda in this very small town has ever slept without thinking
about colors. But there are enough colors in the lone
barricuda's song for a thousand barricudas to sleep.
The lone barricuda sings. She feels more colors inside her
than all the colors of her teeth. It feels good. The singing
barricuda falls asleep. The song goes on.
A cow wanders into the very small town on the only road that
goes through the town. The cow does not hear the song of the
barricuda because the cow is deaf. The cow continues to wander
down the road until it gets to the other end of the very small
town. It stops at the border of the very small town. It thinks
to itself that this is certainly a very small town. But then it
is a very large cow.
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