I am nothing

by Vidimidi

I am nothing. Actually, I am something but compared to other things I am nothing. I am but one person in this world. A grain of sand on a beach stretching out for miles.

I once used to believe that I could amount to something great. That I could make a difference in the world. I look back at that ignorant child now and laugh. Make a difference? Yeah right! Aaah…Blissful ignorance.

If I were to stand up one day and say, “ War is wrong.” Who would listen? And if someone were to listen why would they care? And if, perchance, they did care what difference would it make? Our world is but one planet in an ever-expanding universe. A grain of sand on a beach without end. If the world is but a grain of sand, then what am I? I am nothing.

Is my survival on this planet all that important?

Is the survival of our planet in the Universe all that essential?

The way I see it, we’re all going to die one day, sooner or later, so we should just all kill ourselves (it would a lot of time). One day a comet will hit the Earth and BOOM! Bye-bye everyone!!!!

I write this but if I truly meant it, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Frankly, it’s frustrating. I have all these thoughts running through my head and have no idea how to express them or sort them out. I am constantly contradicting myself. I cannot make up my mind about any one thing. I think the only reason for me being still alive is my curiosity. I guess that’s what keeps us all alive. Our need to know. I want to know if there really is a meaning to life. I want to know if there really is a God. Unfortunately, these questions cannot be answered sufficiently with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. They need to be well researched and even then it’s all up to you.

In our society it’s wrong not to believe in God. I don’t know if God exists so I labeled myself as an agnostic. Personally I feel as if I am part of no religion, belief or concept but it’s less difficult to say, “I’m agnostic.” than to go into what I truly believe and feel.

I am constantly surrounded by “God bless you” (I sneeze a lot), “For God’s sake” and “Are you there God? It’s me Margaret.” Many times I feel like screaming out, “THERE IS NO GOD!!!” but something always holds me back. What is it? Is it the fear that there really is a God and if I speak against him/her/it, I will be condemned and sent to hell? I don’t feel like thinking about it.

What or who is God (with a capitol ‘g’)? Let’s find out. Dictionary to the rescue!

Webster’s New Dictionary: Supreme Being.

Collins Canadian English Dictionary: in monotheistic religions, the Supreme Being, creator and ruler of the universe.

Supreme Being? Creator I can believe, but ruler I’m no so sure. Wouldn’t a creator who rule what he created want his creation to be perfect, without fault? For this world to be perfect God would have to show and prove himself to us so there will be no doubt. I read that proof nullifies faith. God is all about blind faith. But why? Isn’t he the ruler? Can’t he do whatever he wants? Oh God help us…

Which gets me to thinking, God has never helped us nor do I think he ever will. See, I’m an empirical agnostic, which means I believe in a God…but not in the conventional way. I think God created the universe and then just left. I don’t think God created human beings as they are now, that happened through evolution. I believe he just created life and let it be. He did not intend for us to be this way, to think this way but just to live. Why? Who knows. Maybe he was bored and felt like it. I don’t think it is for us to know. After all, an agnostic is one who holds that we know nothing of things outside the material world. God is outside of time and space. Outside of our logic. He is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. Terms that we can conceive but cannot fathom.

That is why I cannot believe in a religion. Sometimes I think that if my parents had educated me more about Hinduism, I would be a faithful follower. It would have made things a lot easier for me. I would believe in Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva and in reincarnation. As I look up at my wall I see a picture of Ganesh my mom had put up there hoping that one day I might go back to Hinduism. How can I make them understand?

I think of that wall, that barrier which separates me from my family and friends. The only way for them to cross over to my side is to gain an understanding. To understand that we will never know God. The only for me to cross over to their side is to believe in God without question. To pray for forgiveness and believe that he if truly listening. If God truly were the ruler of the universe wouldn’t there be millions of billions of trillions of followers praying to him all the time? Why would God listen to me? Why would he listen to anyone on this planet? After we are nothing. Our problems do not matter. Nothing matters.

But wait, if God is, well he should be the Supreme Being then he should be able to hear me. To know everything that is happening, everything that has happened and everything that will happen. But why didn’t he listen to our prayers during wars, when innocent people were being killed? As the Canadian anthem goes “ God keep our land glorious and free.” Glorious and free? It wasn’t so glorious when our land was tainted with red from the blood of our foes. Maybe he couldn’t pick a side. If God really was omniscient he would have been able to predict wars that were going to occur and he would have done something about it. If he did know and chose to do nothing about it then I don’t want to be a follower of a God who is so merciless, so cruel. If there is a God such as this he is a callous freak who enjoys the misery and suffering of others. If there is a God, he is probably laughing at us, at our futile attempts to understand something that cannot be understood.

That is why I choose not to believe in a God which we pray to for hope and guidance. There is no hope and to believe such is a fallacy. God is a drug, so the more we cling to him for moral guidance, the more we lose ourselves. Religion fills us with false hopes and dreams. It should be banned from the world. It is wrong. But who cares? We are nothing. I am nothing. And it shall continue to be so until the end…

Please remember that these are only the thoughts of a 15-year-old girl who thinks too much into things. I didn’t for this to end up being all about God. It was supposed to be my feelings on life in general. As I grow older my thoughts will be more well developed and will flourish into the minds of others. As for now, all I can do is breath and continue to question. The world is a bigger place than I ever imagined (totes thought me that). But the world is nothing in comparison to the Universe.

Thank you for reading and good-bye for now.

Vidimidi