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Gremlins 2: Rewritten V \ Revelations by: David







Gremlins 2: Rewritten V \ Revelations

Written 2-13-93 by: David Minter

Based on the movie Gremlins 2 @1990 by Warner Brothers
Pictures Incorporated, the concept of the Book and Record
Set @1984 by Buena Vista Records, and material from
Gremlins 2: Rewritten \ Movin' On Up to the East Side
@1992 by David Minter, Gremlins 2: Rewritten II \ The
Legacy of Billy Peltzer @1992 by David Minter, Gremlins 2:
Rewritten III \ Here They Grow Again @1993 by David
Minter, and Gremlins 2: Rewritten IV \ No More Mister Nice
Guy @1993 by David Minter.





Ah, yes. YES! That's it! Right there! Just a little
harder, please. Hmmmm? The readers? You mean some of
them actually came back for more. Gluttons for
punishment. Didn't I say that last time might be the end?
Oh, well. Let me know when they get here. They're here
already? OH! HI! Ummm, ladies. Let's try to look
civilized. DRESS, fools! Ahem. Sorry about that little
intercourse. No! I didn't mean intercourse! Just
because I'm here in Trinidad with a gaggle of naked women
doesn't mean I... well, actually it does. Anyway, this is
the story of Gremlins 2: Rewritten V \ Revelations. I
just right 'em, folks. I don't read 'em. You'll know
it's time to turn the page when you hear the Road Runner
beep like this BEEP! BEEP! Let's begin... now.
Remember to turn the page every time you hear the Road
Runner. BEEP! BEEP!



Like weary boxers who have gone the distance, the
spectators surrounded the corpse in one last, mournful
effort. For the ones who loved him, one who would have
liked to call him husband, one who would have been his pal
if only he had tried harder, the one who would have called
him son if only he would have let him, this is the darkest
day they could ever imagine. He was raised to be a hero,
to know the value of sacrifice and human life. He could
have been the savior of the Earth if only he had taken








these values to heart. For a city to live, a corporation
to thrive, and a world to prosper, a man had given his all
and more. "Please hang on!" Kate pleaded. "Paramedics
will be here any second, as soon as we call them. We'll
get you some medical attention." But it's too late. No
amount of attention, medical or otherwise, will bring back
Billy Peltzer. For this is the day that a not so super
man died. But for those of you who were here last time,
you already knew that, didn't you? BEEP! BEEP!

Kate, tears smearing stinging mascara into her eyes,
dropped Billy's dead hand with a terrible sounding thud.
With melancholy drilling its morose way into her very
soul, she trudged over to Billy's other phone ( She
remembered full well, as I hope some you do, about the
electric Gremlin. ) to call for the paramedics. As per
usual their routine, a recording greeted her. "If you
require immediate medical assistance, press 1 and you'll
be placed on our waiting list. Press 2 for the hottest
phone sex you have ever had. Therapeutic purposes for
curing impotency only. REALLY! Press 3 if Billy Peltzer
is dead." With an almost amusing quizzical look on her
face, she pressed 3, confident that the medical facilities
of New York are ready for any contingency before you are.
Once again, a calmly seductive female voice had the
situation well in hand. "A plot is being dug right now
for him." BEEP! BEEP!

The absolute total callousness of the message proved
too much for Kate. All the resolve seemed to drain from
her soul. The receiver fell limply from her finely
manicured hand as she fell to her knees. Tears continued
to flow. "First Chuck and now this. At least it will
sell a lot of copies of these stories." She buried her
head in her arms and then buried her arms in Billy's
stinking chest. She cried even harder, mostly due to the
influence of Billy's B.O. But, no matter from what
perspective you looked at it, it was over. Even though it
did in fact sell a lot of copies, that will NOT, I repeat
not, bring Billy back from the dead. Rand hung his head
down in reverence, noticing for the first time the large
gash in the back of his neck. He had incurred it during
the rigors of the battle in the stairwell. Only now did
the pain from ripping it open further by bowing his head
did he notice it. He really felt he should have that
sought to. He picked up a letter opener from Billy's desk
and carved a note into the flesh of his forearm to remind
him. # just stood there, smiling broadly and secretly
laughing. Yes, Billy was irrevocably dead.










NOT! You all should know better by now! BEEP! BEEP!

Billy Peltzer was floating down that hallway that he
had visited so many times in his nightmares and twice in
real life. How oddly comforting it all seemed. The
flashing colors, "Purple Haze," Valhalla plaques, the
bright guiding light, the tunnel; they were all welcome
sights. He came to the end of the shaft and Sammy Davis,
Jr. was there to greet him. "Hello, Billy baby. Time is
short and so should this visit be. I'll just show you
some of the sights on our way." Billy offered his hand to
Sammy, but his eye would have been better appreciated.
Actually, it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. They
weren't physical beings, just ethereal forms. "You know,
Sammy. You really have absolutely no idea how much we're
related. I've got a bad eye like you now, you know. All
I need to do now is make a cameo appearance on 'The
Jeffersons.'" "Look. I'm an angel. Of course I know all
about you're petty little problems. Right know though,
you've got a date with destiny." "Oh, no!" Billy
thought. "Destiny makes such a terrible date. She
doesn't put out." BEEP! BEEP!

"Don't think such things here!" Sammy admonished.
"We can do anything now, and we don't need your useless
carnal pleasures screwing things up for us up here. We
don't need another Lucifer." The pair began floating down
another golden hall. "On your left," Sammy was saying in
his form of vernacular, but also in the tone of a tour
guide. And he was African yet. ( For those of you who
don't get that joke, think about what race Sammy was and
read the first part of Gremlins 2: Rewritten I. ) "You'll
see Jim Henson." Jim's spirit was tormenting Mister
Hooper, the guy from Sesame Street, with a replica of Big
Bird. "Here's Jimmy Haffa. We finally found him. Watch
out for ('s sister up ahead!" Billy dodged just in time
as she came flying by, trying to take one last stab at the
family name that had so desecrated hers. "Wave hi to Mel
Blanc as we come to our final stop, Rand Peltzer the
first." BEEP! BEEP!

That name struck Billy at his very soul, which was
all he was at the moment. Slowly, not wanting to see the
horrible truth, he turned. There, beaming with that
doltish grin that he always had at Christmas time, was
Rand I. Immediately upon sight of his hated enemy, Billy
rushed Rand. "Now, son. Calm down. We have important
business to discuss." He dodged. Billy tried another
strike, but gave up when he realized that he wasn't solid
matter. Billy then searched for Sammy, the one person he
felt he could truly trust up here, but he had a previous








gig singing at the Pearly Gates Cafe. Rand I straightened
his wings. "There. Now that you've regained some sense
of composure, we can get down to business." "WE!" Billy
shouted. "We? We gotta do business? Are you trying to
say, in your own subtle and stupid way, that you have been
purposefully killing me to get me up here so you can have
a talk with me about my destiny and that of the world?!"
Rand I pondered that fitfully before finally uttering an
answer. "Yes. Well, that first time was an accident. I
really didn't expect the ultimate evil to arrive so soon."
"But, I've already defeated the Evil One... haven't I?"
Rand I remained quiet for far too long. Finally, he
placed a loving hand on Billy's shoulder which just passed
through. "Let's come back to that one later, shall we?"
BEEP! BEEP!

"You see, your death at the hands of Stripe gave me a
great idea. We can't have spirits just randomly and out
of the clear blue popping up on Earth. Saint Peter checks
thoroughly into such things and weighs heavy penalties
against it. So, your unexpected arrival turned on
something in my brain that hadn't been working before. If
ever I need to rap with you about your greater destiny, I
alter reality, keelhaul you, get you up here before my now
heavenly presence, and speaketh with you." "Oh! I now
see the light, Dad. As divine as that light may be, I'm
nobody's stooge!" "Okay then. Back to subject of the
Evil One. You know what will happen if the Evil One gains
dominion over the planet, Billy?" Somehow being in heaven
made it still that much more difficult to ignore pronoun
tags. He couldn't take it anymore. He just had to attack
Rand I! BEEP! BEEP!

Billy drew back his hand and swiped it through Rand
I's misty face. "I hope you finally see that such action
just wastes our time and that you won't engage in such
actions in future. Now, back to the Evil One." "Now wait
a minute, Pop! I've got you on this one! I've already
defeated the ultimate evil. He told me so." "Mentos is
not the Evil One. As the Bible says, in a roundabout sort
of way, 'Many shall herald the coming of this being, but
they shall fall along the wayside to his power.' If he
wrests control of the Earth, he'll use his evil, almost
magical, powers to rob the populace of the Earth of its
ability to orgasm." "My dear God!" "Yes?" the Almighty
Creator answered. "Nothing, sir. Just using your name in
vain." "I see," the Lord calmly answered and sent waves
of pain shooting through Billy's ghost for breaking one of
the ten commandments. Billy continued. "It's inhumane to
keep decent human beings from their God given right to
experience the ultimate in physical pleasure. I CAN'T- I
WON'T ALLOW IT! Send me back! I defeated Mentos before,








and I can do it again!" "Oh. You seem to be mistaken,"
Rand I began as Billy started to fade back into the return
journey to his Earthen host. "Mentos is not the Evil One.
He is one of the beings heralding the coming of the Evil
One, which you probably know better by the moniker of the
Anti-Christ." BEEP! BEEP!

"THE ANTI-CHRIST!" Billy protested, far too late to
do anything about it. "Nobody ever said anything about
battling the Anti-Christ." He now started resisting
physically, writhing and thrashing about to try to escape
the pull of his body. Kate tried to control her now
jumping husband. She was happy and frightened at the same
time. Billy might actually return from the dead and join
her forever in the bonds of holy matrimony. Yet, she was
terrified at the thought of her lover being just recently
dead. Awful flashbacks of bad acid trips and the zombie
uprising of Kingston Falls in 1976 wormed their way to the
surface of her mind. Could it all happen again? Billy
sat upright, almost with too much force. It took all his
remaining equilibrium to keep from banging his forehead
against the floor. He looked up at Kate, Rand, and #, his
pupils contracted with terror. "THE ANTI-CHRIST!?" he
shouted. Kate looked puzzled at Rand. Rand looked
puzzled at Kate. Kate and Rand looked puzzled at #. #
looked scornfully back at Kate and Rand. Kate looked back
to Kate ( ? ) and then back to Billy. "What, dear?" He
thought on that subject for the moment. "Oh, nothing,
Kate." He reached out to kiss her and was genuinely
surprised when she recoiled in terror. So, I was wrong.
Maybe some things can bring dead people back to life, but
their lives are never the same or better for it. BEEP!
BEEP!

"Kate, what's wrong?" She just continued to stare at
Billy longly. After a few seconds or so, she held her arm
out in front of Billy's mouth. Billy just stared at it
and wondered what in the hell was going on. Finally,
"PHEW! Sorry, Billy. I just had to be sure." "Sure of
what?" "Well, you just returned from the dead. I had to
make sure you weren't a zombie. After all, you did
cause-" Billy, realizing what Kate was about say, stared
into her eyes with hate. Realizing herself that she
almost gave away Billy's secret, she tried pitifully to
cover it up. "Did I say cause? I meant come. Come. Come
from Kingston Falls. What a fool I almost was! It's been
a bad day, what with the building filling with monsters
and you dying, and Mister Futterman losing his arm the way
he did." "Zombies," # said with an almost nostalgic
tone. "The good old Uprising. '76 was such a great year.
I finished my Factoid in that year. And despite an
invasion of walking, feasting corpses, I managed to








complete it on time. Then, you broke it! You broke,
Billy Peltzer!" Rand had to restrain Mister Futterman,
which was easier than he had thought it would be because
he had two good arms compared to #'s one. BEEP! BEEP!

Kate dusted off some of her mascara that had fallen
onto Billy's chest where she had been crying over what she
thought was a corpse. "Billy Peltzer, where have you
beeeeen?" "I was dead." She had this sort of contorted
construed look on her face. "Didn't I ever tell you that
I've died twice and been to heaven to see my old father?"
"No." "No, son. You haven't," Rand said with slight
contempt in his voice at not being told this before. "Oh,
well. It was more of a pain than anything else. But
sometimes I glean some useful information. Unfortunately,
this time around, I learned too much about the future and
not enough of this current battle." "Would this have
something to do with the Anti-Christ?" Billy ignored
Kate's question. "I need some more answers." Billy got
up, a little shakily, and sat at his desk. "I hate
electric shocks. It takes so long for me to get over the
feeling of being a woman. Boy, I'm glad I've got
wonderful, pleasure-inducing testosterone coursing through
my body." Kate was somewhat offended by that remark.
BEEP! BEEP!

"Kate, would you be so kind as to hand me that little
bottle from the bar?" Although she hated being treated in
such a maidly fashion, she did as she was told, just like
a woman. Billy popped out the cork ( It reminded him of a
bizarre pregnancy he saw once in a French porno film. ) of
the bottle and downed its contents. "What's in there?"
"Cyanide." "CYANIDE?!" "Yes. It makes a wonderful
conversation piece and you'd be surprised at how many
people are willing to sign a contract when they see that
you have such a piece." Billy shuddered for just a
moment, then his hands fell listlessly besides the arms of
the chair, his head lolled to one side, his tongue hung
out, he made a slight gagging/choking sound, and dropped
the bottle to the floor. Once again, and Kate soon
realized this, Billy Peltzer was dead. BEEP! BEEP!

Back in heaven, Billy shouted out through the
swirling colors, "See, Dad? I can get ideas too!" "I've
just two things to tell you. One, carry my bathroom buddy
like I told you to. It will bring you good luck. Second,
just three little letters. R. T. C." Billy began to fade
back into reality again. As he headed back, Billy
thought, "No can do about the bathroom buddy, Dad. I
left it back at the farmhouse." "I know. You think I
didn't, Billy? I'm an angel too like Sammy. I've already








sent it back to your apartment." Billy shouted, "NO!"
loudly out into the rapidly emptying void. BEEP! BEEP!

Billy coughed in Kate's face and returned to life
again. His eyes were still hazy, but he could make out
Kate standing above him holding two disks in her hands.
"Okay! CLEAR! PULL!" Electric current once again flowed
through Billy's body. "AHHHHHHHHHIIIEEEEEE!" He flopped
around like a fish out of water and then regained his
composure. He looked down at the pads that Kate was
pressing onto his chest. Kate looked up, startled. Billy
slugged her, a real good clip this time which threw her
across the room. He then threw the paramedic that had
arrived with the resuscitator out of the window.
Glowering, Billy turned to Kate. "I... DON'T... LIKE...
ELECTRICITY!" He suddenly paused and clutched his pelvis.
"Oh no! Menstrual cramp. Fight it. FIGHT IT! There.
I'm male again." Suddenly, like hot French-fry grease
being poured down the throat of a blind man, the answer
dawned on Billy. It must have been a combination of
electricity, sex changing, and the cramp. BEEP! BEEP!

"OF COURSE!" Billy shouted, raising a finger into
the air much too swiftly. He became dizzy for a moment
and had to sit back down. "Of course, how could I or
Stevie Wonder have been so blind? RTC!" Kate hobbled
back over to the chair. The flight she had taken across
the room had twisted her ankle. Billy got up and went
over to Kate, still feeling woozy. "Yes! I've done it
again! I've solved it!" Of course, Billy would never
admit that he had had divine help. It was in his nature
to lie. "I'll need your help. Rand, Mister Futterman-"
"Ummmmm, the name's #." "Okay, MISTER FUTTERMAN!" Billy
stressed the name with such utter contempt. "You two get
down to the main floor. Kate and I will follow you
shortly. You'll be sort of a backup. If I don't make,
Kate won't make it." Kate cringed a little at the
implications of that sentence. "If she and I don't make
it, it'll be up to you two pathetic fools to try to stop
them. Personally, I don't think you'll be any good. So,
here's hoping that we make it." Billy and Kate headed
back to the elevator; Rand and # shortly followed. Billy
stopped momentarily and turned back to the other men. "Oh,
and guys, take the stairs. I don't want anyone to see me
with you two." BEEP! BEEP!

Just to make sure Rand and # didn't follow, Billy
locked the door to his office facing the elevator. He
then went over the elevator door and thumbed the button
erotically. The car arrived and its door opened.
Suddenly, tiny little scraping sounds, like something








climbing down the elevator shaft, escaped from the open
doors. Billy motioned to Kate to stay where she was. "You
wait here. I'll go in first." Cautiously, he stepped
into the elevator and was genuinely shocked to hear the
cable supporting the car snap and feel the car plummet.
BEEP! BEEP!

The force of gravity threw Billy hard into the
support railing and then to the floor. "What the hell's
happening!?" He looked towards the certificate of
authenticity that the inspector had placed in the elevator
car. "Passed inspection, elevator model 836-11C. Signed
Inspector 12?" Billy puzzled over that for a few moments
until he realized that he had only a few precious moments
left before... He finished reading the specifications.
"Maximum capacity. 1500 pounds?" What could have
happened? Last time he checked, he didn't weigh 1500
pounds. He religiously stuck to Richard Simmon's
Deal-a-Meal... because he's worth it! He's... worth it!
Anyway, he began mindlessly searching about the car trying
to find some reason for the sudden drop in height. The
only other thing in the car were two sheets of paper
stacked one on top of the other. He picked them up. Could
these few leaves of paper be causing this? He selected
the EXAMINE icon from the menu and saw the horrible truth.
In his hand was a 500 pound note and a 1000 pound note.
BEEP! BEEP!

Billy could no nothing but cackle with madness at the
sheer stupidity of that pun. He crushed the British
currency in his hand and then realized the value of the
money. Mostly, he crushed the bills because his hand
tensed up on it when the elevator car hit the bottom of
the shaft. BEEP! BEEP!

He didn't know how long he was out. He knew he had
been out because when he came to, Kate was standing over
him, patting his hand and saying, "You've been knocked
out." Billy slowly wrenched himself free of the twisted
wreckage of the car. He stood up, brushed some dust off
of his suit, searched around for his bad eye that had
popped out of its socket upon impact with the ground, and
put it back in. "You know you really should have a doctor
see to that eye." But Billy didn't hear her. He saw that
he was in the boiler room again. The fire department had
extinguished the blaze and proof positive of that fact
abounded. Scorch ( Remember that bad CBS series? ) marks
covered the walls, joined at the hip with water damage.
Water was ankle deep. The heavy iron door had been
knocked off of its hinges, but wasn't buried in the side
of the wall, thankfully. What really stood out in Billy's








mind was the fact that the asbestos safe was wide open. He
dashed over to the safe and examined its contents. "The
pickled beets are still here, but-" I know you can guess
it. Hitler's brain was missing. BEEP! BEEP!

"This is awful!" Billy shouted to no one in
particular but since Kate was down there with him, she
would do. "Who could have taken it and what in the world
would they do with it?" He removed the jar of pickled
beets to make sure that they hadn't been tampered with.
Kate came over to examine the jar as well. After several
minutes of plot wasting examination, the odd scratching
noises uttered again from within the elevator shaft.
"What's that?" Kate could only breathe, horrified. It
sounded like a small number of tiny legs scurrying down
the shaft, claws scraping against the aluminum inside.
Whatever it was thumped against the metal carnage at the
bottom of the shaft. Billy and Kate ducked as a powerful
force threw debris across the room. And there in the
unobstructed view of the open doors, was a monster of
Mentos-esque proportions. Its upper half was a Gremlin,
but it had the eight horrifying legs and web-spinning
abdomen of a spider! BEEP! BEEP!

Both Kate and Billy had the same idea at the same
time. Simultaneously, they screamed out, "ZOIKS!" and
dashed for the shattered doorway. Even though the humans
gained a few seconds advantage, this Gremlin had an
advantage when it came to running. It had twice as many
legs as Billy and Kate combined. Soon, it would overtake
and have its way with them. Up another flight of stairs,
something happened to break the mood. Billy ran into a
coffee cart. As he arose from his current position, bent
at a ninety degree with his chest on the coffee percolator
and his feet in the Jell-o mold residing on the tray
beneath, he saw a means of delaying, and possibly
stopping, this monster mongrel Gremlin. He reached over
the jelly donuts, after fighting off a visiting security
guard who apparently didn't know or care about the current
invasion of the building in which he worked, and grabbed
his secret weapons. This was it! For this particular
Gremlin, the mother of all Gremlins ( Not biologically, of
course. We all know that Gizmo is the biological mother
of all of these Gremlins. ), it was Billy's final stand.
BEEP! BEEP!

With the monstrous pitter-patter of eight rapid legs,
the spider Gremlin came around the corner. The sight of
it made the security guard faint and later die of fright.
It raised its clawed hands to the sky and growled
viciously. Without any particular reason whatsoever and








in an astonishingly clear English voice, the spider
Gremlin spoke. "Once we crush the humans, we can take
over the world and who knows where we'll stop!!" Then, it
noticed Billy. "Billy Peltzer! Just the person I was
looking for." The creature grinned massively, drool
slipping from its lips and down to the floor. "I shall
rend you limb from disgusting limb and then my kind and I
can take control of the whole world!" Billy interrupted
the Gremlin's mad delusion of grandeur. "Apparently, you
don't know the power of the human will! But here, take
your mind off me and your evil schemes. Have some Hostess
Fruit Pies. Cherry and Apple for you." He tossed his
"secrets weapons" at the spider Gremlin. Greedily, the
hungry and easily duped comic-book-villain-esque Gremlin
snatched up the fruit pies from in front of his myriad
feet. "OH BOY! REAL FRUIT FILLING!" The Gremlin took a
hearty bite of the cherry pie. "MMMMMMMMM! Light, tender
crust." Billy turned to Kate. "While he enjoys his
Hostess Fruit Pies, we'll make good our escape!" As they
backed their way to the staircase, the spider Gremlin
called back, "I'll just stay here and enjoy these
great-tasting pies!" "I thought as much," Billy called
back. BEEP! BEEP!

Up yet another infamous three floors and, yet again,
another odd occurrence. Too many odd things happen in
Billy Peltzer's life, but if they didn't, you wouldn't
keep coming back. Would you? Admit it. ADMIT IT! Half
way up the next stairwell, a small man was standing. Billy
assumed he was a scientist due to the trademark lab smock
that scientists wear twenty-four hours a day. He was
clutching a clipboard, several sheets of notes, and
something struggling to work its way free from underneath
everything else to his chest. "AH!" he spoke. "Witnesses
to see this glorious event!" Kate worked her in front of
Billy. "Doctor Wily? What is he doing here?" That was
when Billy placed the voice. He thought he recognized it
but just couldn't place where. "You know this man?" "My
main function in this building is to act as concierge to
the Vice President of the New York branch of Chump Towers,
Incorporated. Chuck sent me down to R and D several times
to get reports on something called Project: Alabama or
something like that." BEEP! BEEP!

"My secondary function in this building is-" Kate's
voice trailed off as she realized that she almost let the
cat out of the bag again. She had decided previously to
tell Billy, but not now. They should save their lives
first, then get down to such petty things as sexual
immorality. "What is your secondary function here, Kate?"
Billy asked with a tone of true wonder. "I... You-" She
struggled for the words. "YES! Why don't you tell him,








Kate?" Dr. Wily taunted the rapidly emotionally
destabilizing woman. He knew, as did nearly everyone else
down in research and development, about Kate's sensuous
romps. It pays to be one of the most brilliant scientists
in the world today. For pure reasons of personal gain
only, Dr. Wily had developed a virtually undetectable
listening device and had them planted throughout the
building. "You can tell Mister Peltzer all you want, my
dear. It won't do you a bit of good. I've seen the
light. I've seen the way!" His grip on his notes, etc.
tensed as he approached the pinnacle of power mongers.
"Deciphered the mysterious tablet have I and I must thank
you for your unwilling and unknowing help, Mister Peltzer.
You're no longer my boss, but soon I shall be yours! And
this is the key to my victory!" He slipped a hand from
beneath the bundle against his chest and held out the
groggy, bloody form of Groucho. BEEP! BEEP!

Billy's eyes widened in horror and recognition. After
nearly two years of the Mogwai's absence, he couldn't
believe that somehow it had wormed its vile way back into
his miserable life. I bet you all had wondered what had
happened to the Mogwai and Dr. Wily. Last time we left
our villains, albeit one reluctantly, we saw them leaving
the lab in story three. The good doctor pulled the Mogwai
close to his face and shook him with an ever tightening
grip. Several of the animal's tiny ribs cracked under the
pressure. Blood was slowly pouring from its mouth and
from the sides of its eyes. This blood mingled with the
rest of his own that had splattered on his body. "Can you
believe that the key to the ascension of power on this
planet lies in this fuzzy idiot? But that's not all! The
rest, including the translation and my notes on genetics
and cybernetics, is all I need! Yet, without this thing,"
( he was referring to the Mogwai ) "All the rest of my
work would have been for not! I HAVE WON!" Did you
realize that Dr. Wily was mad? Well, I have given you
ample clues! Sheeeeze! BEEP! BEEP!

From behind them, came the all too familiar rattling
of those eight legs. Billy spun around, became dizzy, sat
down, changed back, and recovered. "Great!" he slightly
cursed, sarcastically. "He's finished his Fruit Pies!"
Even Dr. Wily was amazed. "I don't believe it! So that's
what they did with my gene altering agents!" Billy spun
back around, this time taking special care not to confuse
himself, and pointed an accusing, shaking, Mister-
Futterman-esque finger at the madman. "I should have know
this was your fault! You're also probably responsible for
that electric Gremlin that had every believing I was
dead." "Ah ha! That's two! I seem to remember three
vials were missing. I wonder where the flying Gremlin








is?" "Flying Gremlin?" Billy echoed. Suddenly, the
Sorceress came swooping by in her e- OOPS! I mean, the
flying Gremlin came swooping by and took a swooping swipe
at Billy, swoopingly knocking him to the floor. BEEP!
BEEP!

Dr. Wily seized the opportunity to berate Billy
further. "See? Can't you see it yet?! They don't dare
attack me. They can see that I am lord and master! They
only attack my opposition. You are one of the fellow
humans that pollutes this pitiful planet, the ones who
don't deserve to live. And soon they won't!" Cackling
loudly and longly like a madman, he spun around on one
heel and headed back up the stairs, his part done for now,
to plot anew for the subjugation of the human race. Billy
quickly scrambled back to his feet and accessed the
situation. Luckily, the flying Gremlin had left for
greener pastures, but the spider Gremlin still had to be
dealt with. Without warning, he leapt at the Gremlin in
full frontal nudity, I mean, a full frontal assault. With
his bare hand and, by now, evident ninja skills, he cut a
swath across the iron-like scale plating of the Gremlin's
skin. The slice and the motion Billy incorporated into
accomplishing it was akin to Magnus, Robot Fighter. It
didn't do any good though. BEEP! BEEP!

Billy landed on his feet, as any good ninja fighter
should do. "It seems your defenses are too strong me,"
Billy said, his voice not matching his lips. "My friends
shall have to take care of you. Foot Soldiers. Attack!"
Suddenly, three hidden panels opened up from within a side
wall. Three of those bug-eyed movie style Foot Soldiers
resided within. Upon Billy's command, the soldiers leapt
into the fray, attacking the Gremlin. Initially
surprised, the spider Gremlin was at first over taken and
severely beaten. But when the Foot began employing foot
techniques ( i.e. kicks and vicious knee lifts ), they
soon found themselves outclassed in the area of feet. In
a little under three minutes ( There goes that pesky
number three again. Maybe it has even more significance
than 42. ), in two of which the Foot Soldiers were
winning, it was all over and the spider stood triumphant.
BEEP! BEEP!

Billy raised his arms and clapped his hands. The
lights went out. He clapped them again. This time, the
lights came back on and Herb Trimpe's version of Soundwave
burst into the room through the side wall that had
contained the Foot Soldiers. The spider Gremlin uttered a
scream of horror as he realized his number was up. In an
instant, Soundwave had pounced on the creature and tore it








to pieces. Billy turned his attention back to the ever
voluptuous Kate. "We'll find the flying Gremlin and do
something about the electric one trapped in the phone in
my office later. Right now, we need to join Rand and
Mister Futterman on the main floor. C'mon." He grabbed
Kate's arm and they began climbing once again. That was
when he discovered it. In their haste to escape the
spider Gremlin, they had dashed up a number of floors in
intervals of three. He turned around and headed back down
the stairs. BEEP! BEEP!

On the first floor, Rand and # were staring down onto
the main floor. They were scared witless. It was a most
unsettling scene. Billy and Kate arrived just in time for
the climax. Rand motioned Billy and for him to keep
quiet. He pointed down to the water fountain in the
center of the mall. Once again, Billy's eyes widened at
the panorama playing out in the main lobby of the building
where he worked and ground under the heel of his
oppressive boot. No more Mogwai remained, and so there
was probably no more corned beef left in the building.
Soon, they would be ready to leave and invade New York
City. But before they could they leave, they had one more
thing to do and Billy wondered what that thing was. It
had to be evil. BEEP! BEEP!

Below the gathered humans, the gathered Gremlins had
gathered around the fountain, leaving a straight pathway
to the edge of the fountain. They had formed a giant
thermometer, the kind that you always see at fund raisers.
It was just inverted. Suddenly, they all cheered as four
more Gremlins paraded down the clear center path carrying
a large pulsating poodle! BEEP! BEEP!

Almost ceremoniously, they placed the poodle down in
front of the fountain. With utmost reverence, the other
Gremlins gathered around the rapidly throbbing cocoon.
They began chanting, lowly at first but increasing in
tempo. Billy knew that the possible end was near. He
must play his hand now or they, his corporation, New York,
the nation, and the rest of the Earth would be doomed.
This could wait. They couldn't. They had to be ready
before the Gremlins prepared to leave the building or they
could prepare to meet their maker along with the rest of
humanity. "C'mon, idiots!" The word idiots could have
been easily replaced with Kate, Rand, and Mister Futterman
or peons. "We have to get down to Rent To Chumps." BEEP!
BEEP!

As they hurried down the hopefully last set of








stairs, Kate just had to ask, "Why? Why Rent To Chumps?"
Billy just waived her off like a doctor would a sick
patient or an angry driver would a cop, except in the
cop's case, the waiving hand would be a fist and that fist
would have its middle finger extended. "You'll see." I
just LOVE keeping you all in suspense. Billy stopped just
short of the corner at the foot of the stairs. Ever so
carefully, he slowly peered around the edge. The mad
creatures were still chanting their praises to this green
mound of quivering crap. It bitterly reminded of a scene
from an episode of that awful second season of "War of the
Worlds." But, seeing that the Gremlins were too engrossed
in their current activity, he motioned the others to head
for the open entrance of Rent To Chumps. After he made
sure that his cannon fodder hadn't been attacked,
indicating a safe approach, Billy followed them inside.
BEEP! BEEP!

"Okay, son. We're here. Now, what do you want us
IDIOTS to do?" Rand was generally perturbed but Billy
didn't care. This was the moment. The plan that he had
formulated would soon reach fruition. But could he trust
such a delicate operation to the likes of fools such as
Kate? He had no real choice, did he? "Kate, get as many
extension cords as you can find. Rand will gather all the
surge protectors that remain in this store. Mister
Futterman-" "Look. How many times do I have to tell
you?! My name is-" "Your name is Mister Futterman and
your job is to connect as many of the appliances in this
store together with as many extension cords we can
collect. Then, connect them all into this surge
protector." He pointed to the square box on the floor in
front of the computer that Billy was standing in front of.
"What will you be doing then, son?" Rand called from the
mess of wires that he had become entangled in. Billy went
into the back of the store and returned with an external
modem in his hands. BEEP! BEEP!

"I'm gonna install this on this computer that I've
been standing in front for most of the last paragraph." He
noticed Mister Futterman standing there, frowning. What he
noticed most was the fact that Mister Futterman hadn't
done what he had ordered. No one disobeyed Billy Peltzer,
VP of CTI, and lived for very long. "Get to work!" "No!"
# shouted in open defiance. "I didn't come here to help
you. I came here to kill you and extract revenge for my
Factoid!" He lunged at Billy's throat. After a brief
three seconds struggle ( There's that annoying three once
more! ), Billy threw # off of him and into a television
set. Billy mentally cursed. # had damaged one of the
tools he was going to use to stop the Gremlins. As a
gesture of kindness ( Actually, it was a means of showing








Billy's absolute supremacy in the building. ), he offered
his hand to the twitching Mister Futterman. # stood up,
slightly shaking, reached to wipe some blood from his
mouth, realized that his brain had told his missing arm to
do the wiping, and then wiped the blood away with his
proper arm. "That doesn't change things! I'm still not
helping YOU!" Normally, Billy would have his husky
security guards rip this insolent fool apart, but times
had changed. His security guards were dead. He had no
power to back his Godfather-esque actions. Reluctantly,
he knew the only thing that could sway this man. He
walked over to the cash register and split it open with
his amazing ninja skills. Grabbing as many bills as his
not throbbing and pain-ridden hand could hold, he went
back to # and thrust the wad of dough into his hands.
"Here! Now will you help me?" But it was too late.
Mister Futterman had already begun dashing about the store
connecting the appliances with the extension cords and
surge protectors that had already been gathered together.
BEEP! BEEP!

It didn't take long for Billy to install the modem,
what with the computer skills he had learned since
assuming the second highest position in the corporation.
He turned towards the window and peered at the concession
of Gremlins. Things were frantic now. The pod seemed
about ready to burst with the movement by God knows what
from within. The chanting had become louder and more
audible, but Billy was too captivated by the scene to
comprehend much beyond two plus two equaling four.
Suddenly, the chanting stopped. The Gremlins fell flat on
their faces. Various large cracks began to appear in the
surface of the poodle. That familiar green smoke and ooze
poured from the pod. With a final upheaval, the poodle
split asunder, the green ooze parted, and the steam
gradually cleared. There, before Billy's amazed eyes, in
the remnants of the shell stood, as sour-tasting as ever,
Stripe! BEEP! BEEP!

"Stripe!" Billy repeated unnecessarily. That's what
this whole freak show had been about. They were awaiting
the hatching of their leader. The assembled Gremlins rose
to their clawed, ugly, little feet and chanted out again.
For the first time, Billy paid some attention to what they
were saying. It was somewhat reassuring, but not by much.
They were shouting out the name of their glorious leader,
the one who would, this time, conquer the world...
"Mohawk! Mohawk! Mohawk!" But, he looked just like
Stripe. Same lock of hair and everything. Then, he
remembered the difference. This Gremlin had been born, if
that word can really be used in the context of this
situation, with two good arms. BEEP! BEEP!








"Billy," Rand said somewhat meekly, breaking Billy's
strained concentration. "What? What!? WHAT?!" "We've
finished connecting all the appliances, except the one
Mister Futterman broke." Rand turned to # with a look
that seemed to say "Get the hell out or I'll castrate
you!" Mister Futterman hung his head down and then spewed
green foam all over the floor. Rand noticed what his son
had been examining so intently. "What is it?" Billy
sighed with utter contempt towards Rand. "Their leader.
Damn it, Dad! Their leader!" Billy raised the hand that
he had been pressing against the window and smashed his
fist through the glass in anger. This action had two
immediate consequences. The first, his other hand was
throbbing and pain-ridden and second, he had attracted the
attention of the new Gremlin leader. BEEP! BEEP!

Mohawk looked casually up, as if he was brushing off
a Mormon. He pointed towards the broken window and the
rest of the Gremlin army made a mad dash for the store.
Billy ran back to the computer and turned it on. "Quick
everyone! Get back! It's not that I care for your
personal safety, but I'm the hero of this series." The
rest did as they were told, to protect their own personal
safety. In about fifteen seconds ( a multiple of three ),
the computer had booted up to its environment menu. Billy
tapped in the command to run the modem program and dialed
his office upstairs. Had the building been on pulse tone,
he wouldn't have made it; the Gremlins were that close.
But, the phones were touch-tone ( As if you couldn't
guess. How could Billy and Kate have used their phones
when talking to the fire department and paramedics
before? ) and that fact saved Billy's life and because
Billy Peltzer lives, unfortunately enough, the rest of the
world lives. BEEP! BEEP!

The series of events that happened next are just
barely whispered by people today, mainly because they
don't believe it. Billy opened up the line that had been
placed on hold. The electric Gremlin came flooding down
the phone line and into the computer because electricity
follows the path of least resistance and, in this case,
the only path with no resistance. From the computer, the
electric Gremlin coursed down the power cord, into the
surge protector, through the extension cords, and out into
all of the appliances in the store, minus one. Through
each pass into a new machine, the electric Gremlin lost a
portion of its power. The upshot of this was that every
appliance, minus one, in the store came on. Radiation
from television sets, computer monitors, microwaves, foot
X-ray machines, EKG's, EEM's, heat lamps, tanning beds,
and radar guns poured out from the store and struck the
rabid Gremlin army head on. Gremlin after Gremlin began








to melt before the humans' eyes. Licks of radiation leapt
from one creature to the next. Finally, radioactive
energy struck Mohawk right in the chest. BEEP! BEEP!

Molten Gremlin ooze poured in through the broken
glass and came up to Billy's ankles. Rand stared down at
the bubbling mass coagulating at his feet. "What the
hell's that?" he said just as he did in front of the mall
in Kingston Falls. Billy and his so called friends waded
their way through the muck and out into the main lobby.
"Well, Billy. Looks like you did it." "Yes, Kate. I'VE
done it." A low guttural moan filled the air. Billy
turned and saw the stumbling form of Mohawk work its way
towards him. It was in its death throes, the last
vestiges that it had ever even been alive ebbing away.
With his last ounce of strength, his chest heaving as his
own melting flesh filled his lungs, Mohawk pointed a
shaky, rapidly dissolving finger at Billy and coughed. His
left eye fell out. Spitting out more flesh, he gathered
the strength to deliver his eulogy. "I... w-wou-would...
ha-HACK-have... gotten away with it if it hadn't been for
you meddling kids!" He sounded a whole lot like Frank
Welker. With his last dying breath spent, Mohawk just let
go of the only thing that had been keeping his molecules
together, sheer willpower, and melted away... melted
away... melted away. BEEP! BEEP!

"Wow!" Kate shouted in unbelief. "That was the most
round about way of doing something I've seen!" "What do
you mean by that?" "Well, if I might say so, Billy,
wouldn't it have been easier to just turn on the
appliances in Rent To Chumps from some master circuit than
to have the electric Gremlin activate them in that odd
way?" "True, Kate. But it wouldn't have been quite as
dramatic. Besides, we'd still have to deal with the
electric Gremlin. With my way, he became dispersed to
join his other energetic friends among the rest of the
free energy in the cosmos." He stretched his arms above
his head and waved his hands in the air maniacally. He
turned his attention back to Kate and pulled something
cylindrical from his pocket. "Is that a roll of dimes?"
Kate asked, pointing at Billy's hand with hysteria. "We
needed some excitement. So, SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!" Billy
shouted and bit into the thing he extracted from his
pocket. Suddenly, a gust of hurricane-force air from out
of nowhere engulfed Kate and blew her away. BEEP! BEEP!

With the Gremlin threat gone yet again from the world
and Kate momentarily gone from the action, Billy Peltzer
walked triumphantly outside into the sunshine. The sun
was rising. This night of terror was finally over. He








saw the group of people that had gathered there from
earlier the previous day, after customers began running
out shouting about little green elves. They had soon
dispersed, but came back later when the fire trucks
arrived. He had to address these people, calm them down
if he was ever to have steady customers again. "It's
alright folks. We're just filming some footage for Sci-Fi
Hi." Someone spoke up from the large group of people. "I
really love what you've done with the show! Those monster
corpses constantly being blasted across the screen. It's
a wonderful and original idea." A small section of the
crowd dispersed and a large, black limousine pulled up.
The front doors opened, two body guards, much like Billy's
former security, got out and flanked the back door. It
opened and out stepped what appeared to have been a very
well dressed man at one time. The individual in question
was wearing a dirt, haggard suit that was torn in places.
He was covered in dirt, blood, bruises, broken glass, and
cuts. Even beneath all that embellishment, Billy knew
right away who it was... Mister Ronald X. Chump,
billionaire industrialist. BEEP! BEEP!

Billy turned to his girlfriend who had just straggled
back. "My God, Kate!" "No I'm not." "I just realized
something. If you take the seven dwarves and remove part
of their hair and give them mustaches, you've got Dr.
Wily! Or at least Wendell, that Cinnamon Toast Crunch
baker. And whatever happened to the other two?!" "I
don't think there's time for that now, Billy. Here comes
your boss and mine!" Mister Chump pushed his way forward
in his divinely rich manner. He straightened up,
revealing for the first time the extent of his injuries,
and stared Billy straight in the eyes. "This is it!"
Billy thought. "I'm gonna be sacked for allowing such bad
PR to invade the corporation." Mister Chump just stood
there, staring aimlessly into space. Then, his eyes
rolled up into their sockets and he collapsed. BEEP!
BEEP!

In a brown-nosing instant, Billy was under his boss,
swooping in to catch the falling man before he hit the
ground. Ever so gingerly, he lowered Mister Chump to the
street. Slowly, the rich man returned to conscious
reasoning. The first thing to greet his vision was Billy
Peltzer's ugly face. He wanted to scream but he was too
weak. Billy lightly shook Mister Chump. "Sir. Sir, wake
up." "I am awake." "What could have happened to reduce
such an exquisite man like you to this?" Even in his
state of shock, Billy knew proper business decorum. "It
was the oddest thing that has ever happened to a Chump
throughout my family's rich, literally, history. I
received your memo and decided to come here and see for








myself before I took any punitive actions. So, the emir
of Kuwait and myself hopped a plane and decided to come
down here." Chump noticed the look of puzzlement on
Billy's face. What he didn't realize was that that was
Billy's normal look. Anyway, he explained. "You're
probably wondering about the emir of Kuwait," he stated
to Billy and to the readers. "Being loaded beyond belief
has its disadvantages. We must host visiting leaders of
foreign countries. Chump Towers Incorporated was trying
to vest the rights to broadcast CCN programming into
Kuwait. You're popular in other countries too when it
comes to television, Billy." Chump grinned and coughed.
"Anyway, we were flying low over New York; much too low
because we just barely avoided most of the radio towers in
the city. Everything was going smoothly on our final
approach to Chump Airport, when we heard this sudden loud
scream. The next thing we knew, our plane was careening
in a nose-dive for the ground. For all we knew, that
scream brought down our plane!" BEEP! BEEP!

"When I came too in the smoldering wreck that had
been my plane, I was bruised rather badly but miraculously
alive. I worked my way free from under the body of the
emir and to the nearest phone. I called for an ambulance
and a limo. It appears that the emir has died and that I
was the only survivor. Luckily I didn't have to eat any
of the passengers to survive. But, that totally trashes
our relations with Kuwait. Combat might even break out
there." Billy was drinking all of this in with basic
unconcern. "Well, that may or may be. Personally, I opt
for the latter, Mister Chump. But that doesn't matter.
We'll get you all cleaned up and I'll fill you in on the
situation I told you about. It's all right now. I've
taken care of it." Mister Chump bolted outright.
Something was wrong and, like in Gremlins: Rewritten II,
he didn't know how to tell Billy. He improvised. "IT
DOES MATTER! Don't you see, It's not alright. It's not
taken care of! I may have doomed us all!" Billy was now
concerned. "What do you mean?" "When I got your message
seeming to demand a supply of radioactive material, I did
the most cost efficient thing for the company. I ordered
a tactile nuclear missile from Chump's Intercontinental
Ballistic Missile Farm in Colorado, just fifteen minutes
from NORAD, to be ready for launching." BEEP! BEEP!

"WHAT?!" Billy shouted with such amazement that he
dropped Mister Chump to the ground. The thump his head
made when it hit the ground brought him out of it. "And
by now, the missile should be on its way." Already, the
sky darkened. Noises and flashes of light broke the still
silence. A mighty rumble roared the arrival of the
missile. Above the heights of the city, the nose cone








poked its phallic way towards the earth. "Just before
crashing, I called the Farm from my plane and told them to
wait for an hour before launching the missile. If they
didn't hear from me by then, I told them to launch. I
DIDN'T EXPECT TO BE DELAYED FOR HOURS UNDER THE OPPRESSIVE
WEIGHT OF MY OWN PLANE! YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME! I'm just
surprised that we're not dead already! I told them just
one hour. I'm gonna have to talk with their supervisors.
I've got a feeling that I'm gonna be doing a lot of firing
within the next few days." Billy grabbed Mister Chump by
the collar and brought him to his feet. "No one will be
doing any firing except you with that missile! Don't you
see? Ha, ha, ha! YOU'RE STUCK HERE!" Chump thought on
that for a moment. "Oooops!" Already, the retro rockets
of the missile could be heard. Billy recognized the type
of missile. He had a complete collection of Donruss
Missile trading cards. "Luckily, it won't detonate in the
upper atmosphere. It will, though, explode on contact
with the ground, like all normal missiles. I've got an
idea." Oh, boy! You'd better seek some kind of cover
now! BEEP! BEEP!

Billy dropped Mister Chump again and stood
triumphantly to face the approaching missile. It's
trajectory just happened to put it in Billy's path.
Inexorably, the missile approached Billy Peltzer. He
stuck his chest out, gladly awaiting the imminent
destruction that would greet him, the rest of the ten
million citizens of New York City, and the others in the
nation that would fall from fallout. Now within a hundred
feet, the missile showed no signs of altering its course.
Even Billy began to wet his pants a little. Fifty feet,
and it would all be over. Forty feet. Thirty feet. It
looks like you all can celebrate now! It's truly the end
of Billy Peltzer. TWENTY FEET! Suddenly, the now
statuesque Billy threw up his arm, the palm parallel with
his body. "STOP!" he resonated out across the city. It
even surprised him how loud it was. Luckily and amazingly
enough, it didn't down any passing airplanes. EVERYONE IN
THE GATHERED CROWD WAS STUNNED! KATE WAS STUNNED! RONALD
WAS STUNNED! EVEN THE MISSILE WAS STUNNED! It just
floated there in space, its retros still intermittently
spewing burning exhaust into the crowd, killing people.
BEEP! BEEP!

Calmly, Billy walked over to the waiting missile. He
opened the nose cone and exposed the hot, seething,
molecule-splitting nuclear core. As if it was something
he did everyday, which it was, he reached inside, fondled
the electronic parts for a minute, and removed the bright
radioactive core of nuclear material! Holding it high
above his head, letting the prospect of this awesome sight








sink into the numbed minds of the crowd, he let its
glorious, deadly brilliance bathe the people in deadly
radiation. Yes, this time the radiation was deadly to
humans. But, they weren't exposed to it for very long,
and Billy was used to radioactivity after performing so
many experiments with it in that alternate Earth reality.
In front of a dazed crowd, Billy dazzled them further by
opening his mouth wide and popping the missile's core down
his throat. BEEP! BEEP!

"But, Billy. What about Muddy Mud- er, the missile
itself?" Kate intoned. "Hmmmmmm. By gosh, you're
right." With a heavenly sent light and a slight sound of
choir singers, he gently cradled the missile in his hands.
Drawing upon some inner strength that even Billy didn't
know he had, he drew back his arms and hurled missile
through Earth's atmosphere and on a course to a world or
worlds unknown. But I won't keep you in suspense. It
eventually crashed into the planet HCBDVII, destroying the
prison complex there and freeing some the most dangerous
beings that the galaxy has ever seen. Once again, Billy
is responsible for unleashing ultimate evils. At least,
it gives me more ideas to tap if I should ever decide to
go beyond five stories. BEEP! BEEP!

Back on Earth, the crowd in front of Chump Towers
cheered for their savior, Billy Peltzer. He just brushed
them aside, cursed them vigorously, and sent them on their
way. "Go home, folks. There's nothing more for you to
see. Actually, there is, but if you did, the government
would close us down. This stuff is for the readers ONLY!
Go home and enjoy the new episodes of Sci-Fi Hi." Upon
hearing that new episodes of their new favorite television
show were about to be shown, the crowd immediately
dispersed, almost instantaneously and simultaneously.
Mister Chump stood and brushed himself off. "I must
admit, Billy. You handle those idiots well. I wish I had
had such savvy when the Amish investigated that glue
factory I set up in Pennsylvania." "No time for that,
chump!" Billy wasn't addressing his boss by name. He was
angry at this man and, despite his position, was going to
tell him off. BEEP! BEEP!

"I had to do it! If that missile had detonated, you
would have lost your corporate HQ, your central
broadcasting company, and slaughtered ten million people
in the process!" "AW!" Mister Chump waved such foolish
moral values aside. "I'm stinking rich! What is the loss
of a headquarters to me? I can handle it; mere pocket
change." He reached into his pocket, pulled out a roll of
thousand dollar bills, filled the open end with tobacco,








and lit it, fashioning a homemade cigar. "And besides,
what's a few ten million lives here or there?" "A few ten
million lives?" Billy was genuinely surprised. "A FEW
TEN MILLION LIVES! I'll have you know, those few ten
million lives, if they had been wiped from the face of the
Earth, would have meant the loss of ten million customers.
And that's bad PR!" Mister Ronald X. Chump finally saw
the light, thanks to Billy Peltzer, and learned to respect
human life for what it was, prospective business. BEEP!
BEEP!

"By God, you're right! I've seen it that way before
but I thought I was just loony. Actually, I never thought
of it that way before. I don't even know why I said that.
Oh, well. Anyway, I want to thank you for pointing me on
the right path. Here. As a reward, I want to make you
president of Chump Towers. No, wait. I don't can't do
that. That would put me out of a job and I don't want
that. I've got it! Take this ridiculously large sum of
money." Once again, he reached into his pocket and pulled
out a wad of cash, totaling somewhere around $540,000.
Billy didn't question him, but like the greedy fool he is,
took the money with no questions asked. "C'mon, sir." The
money had made him regain his business etiquette. "Let's
go into my office and I can personally bring you up to
date on Project: Albatross." Suddenly, something blocked
their way. Billy knew it right off, remembering he had
forgotten about it. Remember the flying Gremlin? BEEP!
BEEP!

The creature, upon seeing Billy, leapt for his
throat. Billy dodged to the side, but not far enough. The
Gremlin's claws sliced across his cheek. He brought his
hand to face to stop the blood. That was when he felt it
on his face and remembered that he, and possibly you too,
had forgotten about it. The Gremlin turned back, staring
at the liquid remains of his comrades. He knew he was the
last of his race... for now. He had seen the human take
the Mogwai, and as long as Americans had possession of the
creature, the Gremlins would live on! All he had to do was
escape, bide his time until he could find the creature and
repopulate the race. He had tried to set himself ablaze,
but apparently the gene alterations, giving him the power
of flight, had affected it so much that he could not
reproduce. He was, basically, the tigon of the Gremlins.
Billy knew that the Mogwai was still out there, albeit in
the hands of a madman. He also knew that the Gremlin
would try to seek out the Mogwai, just for revenge. If
the Gremlin flew away and escaped into New York, it would
never be found again. But, he had a plan. BEEP! BEEP!









The winged Gremlin spread its mighty, scaled plumage
and sprang into the air. As the wings forced gales of air
around him, Billy saw his chance. Dashing in front of the
monster, he arrived just in time to see the creature fly
past him. Thinking quickly, he turned around to face the
rapidly shrinking form of the Gremlin flying away. He put
his hands to his face and squeezed out that pimple I made
mention of in the first story. The stringy ooze flew
threw the air in slow motion. Hearing the gushing noise
behind it, the Gremlin stopped and turned around in mid
air. The pus, now contaminated with residual radiation
from the missile's core like the rest of Billy's body,
splattered right into the Gremlin's face. Screaming out
in terror, pain, and dizziness, the last of this batch of
Gremlins melted away and flowed down a storm drain in the
side of the curb. BEEP! BEEP!

With this Gremlin threat finally gone, Billy, Kate,
and Ronald were sitting around in Billy's office, chatting
about the day's previous events. "I wonder what could
possibly scream loud enough to down an airplane, Mister
Chump? I've had some very odd things happen in my life,
like today, but that's down right idiotic." "You're
telling me." Just then, the door burst open! Mister
Futterman was standing there in the open doorway, gasping
for breath. "Billy. Did you know that you're elevator's
out of order? I had to walk all the way up here via the
stairs." Mister Chump looked up from the startlingly
interesting half empty bottle on Billy's desk and noticed
the stranger. Suddenly, his eyes widened in recognized
horror and he leapt for Mister Futterman's throat. "At
last!" he began shouting. "After seventeen long years of
searching, I've found you! I'll have my revenge against
you after all this time! YOU'RE THE ONE ARMED MAN THAT
KILLED MY WIFE!" Just for the edification of you, the
reader, and for the purposes of a possibly good joke,
Mister Ronald X. Chump's middle name was Richard. No one,
especially Chump himself, could ever fully explain why he
insisted on spelling it with an X. BEEP! BEEP!

One of the richest men in the world and a former snow
plow driver were grappling for their very lives. They
thrashed about the room, generally destroying the place.
Stumbling over Billy's desk and then on top of it,
tumbling into the bar and smashing a jar labeled 250,000
years old, forcibly removing pieces of plaster from the
walls, the dueling pair finally reached one of Billy's
infamous office windows. Ronald shoved #'s face through
the glass and the pair went tumbling out of the window.
Plummeting at 32 feet per second per second, Ronald and #
started up a rather jocular ( You'd all thought I had
forgotten?! ) conversation. "Wait a minute!" Mister








Chump held his face above the entanglement of bodies and
studied Mister Futterman carefully for the first time.
"I'm sorry, sir. I mistook you for someone else." Well,
that thought's rather comforting. WE CAN TAKE IT OUR
GRAVES WHEN WE HIT THE GROUND!" BEEP! BEEP!

The pair of peons continued to plummet and trade
witty repartee. "But, I'll tell you who you do remind me
of. Have you ever seen the emir of Kuwait?" The slightly
odd way in which # shook his head all but said out loud
the answer. "Well, you look just like him. Even the
missing arm on the same side!" "Really!" # shouted
sarcastically. "Yes. I'll tell you what. Due to a
series of circumstances beyond my control which I won't
have time to go into before splattering myself across the
pavement, I'm forced to look for a, ah, 'replacement' for
the emir. You'll do nicely. I'll start you out at 73
million dollars a year." Mister Futterman didn't have to
take long to consider. In fact, the actual time could be
measured in millimicronanoillienths of a second. "I'll do
it!" "Good." Chump fished out a pen and signed a make
shift contract across Mister Futterman's chest. "Now
then, there's a plane awaiting your departure at Chump
Airport. Good lu- HHHHHHUUUURRROOOOOOHHHHHFFFFFF!" It
was the last corporate decision that Mister Ronald X. (
Richard ) Chump ever made. But, his corpse did cushion
Mister Futterman's fall. He now leads a happy rich life
as the emir of Kuwait, safe in the knowledge that he'll
always have a job as long as he never washes his chest.
BEEP! BEEP!

We're now back in Billy's office. "Those two fools
remind me, where is that fool, my father, Rand?" "Oh!"
Kate Oh!ed. "I gave him the address of that witch doctor
you sent me to. He said he had some unfinished business."
A little bit away from the wreckage that had at one time
been a colorful curio shop in Chinatown, a musty (
Actually, it was just dirty. ) tarp-covered tent stands.
It is the workplace of Shaka Zulu Dawn, professional witch
doctor and worshiper of the black arts. Inside, he was
sitting in front a large crystal ball, large wisps of foul
smelling incense emanating from his shut eyelids. Rand
had originally come here to get his wounds healed like
Kate had said. Now, all he wanted to do was get the hell
out of there. But, like Shaka had said, "Those who enter
seeking aid from the Black side do not leave until their
prayers are answered or the Dark gods are finished with
them. By that time, they're usually dead." This did
nothing to encourage Rand. BEEP! BEEP!

Rand closed his eyes. The forces of evil were








building in the room and all Rand could think about was
when Shaka began chanting. The polka dots on his Willie
Nelson bandana had begun to flash in time with his chants
and rapidly turning into eyes looking in all directions.
"This is it!" Rand thought. "I'm going to die! I can
feel the evil welling up inside me! I'M GOING TO BURST!"
The sheer power in the room made Rand too stunned to move.
Then, it happened. Shaka reached orgasm, the evil
approached its crescendo in Rand's soul, and left its
calling card. Rand belched. Finally, the evil subsided
and the eyes disappeared from Shaka's bandana. Rand
opened his eyes and looked down. Besides the salivating
wolf waiting for the first opportunity to take a bite of
his leg, he saw that his wounds had healed entirely. Rand
thanked the strange black man. "No. Thank you!" Shaka
replied breathlessly, making reference to the sexual
thrill he had just gone through. Rand reached to shake
Shaka hand. "Thanks again." He turned to leave, but was
stopped by Shaka holding tight to his hand, examining the
palm. "Would you like your palm read?" Rand paused. "Not
particularly. No." This didn't faze the witch doctor one
bit. He took Rand's hand and dipped it in a bucket of
chicken blood. Quickly, Rand jerked his hand back, stared
at the blood, and bolted out of the tent in sheer fright.
He must have a talk with Kate. BEEP! BEEP!

Later on in the evening, things were returning to
normal in Chump Towers. "Mrs. Wye. Has my father
returned yet?" "No, Mister Peltzer, sir." "Well, you've
seen the wanted posters before. If he shows up, tell him
that I've decided to rescind. I'm giving him a job down
in R and D." He shut off his intercom. "I have to. He
knows to much to put him out of the way legally and
safely." Then, rather rudely, someone opened the door to
Billy's office and that someone stepped in. Billy's blood
began to boil upon sight of the intruder. Some of it
began squirting out of his ears. "YOU!" "Hey, Billy. I
thought I cleaned up in here earlier. Look at this mess!
Anyway, I came back here to give you this." John Astin
held out a package of Mentos for Billy Peltzer. He could
see the utter rage behind Billy's eyes. "You're too
stressed out! Sit on it, man! Take 'em. They're fresh
and full of life. Everything tastes better. Mentos
freshens. Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full
of life!" BEEP! BEEP!

Upon seeing the dreaded candy that had so long been a
staple part of his diet and had caused him such trouble in
our last series, he got up, stalked his way over to John,
and slapped the Mentos right off his hand and then sliced
the hand off with a karate chop. John rushed over, picked
up his hand, and tried his best to re-attach it. "Okay. I








get the hint. I just came to give you some refreshment,
both in the candy and in the news that I've completed my
last day here and I'm free to go. And what a day it was!
You wouldn't believe the number of strange furry animals
and parts thereof that I've tossed down the incinerator
today." That was it! The connection that Billy had
needed. His brittle, fragile, little mind snapped. "And
the blood was a little tough to get up, too." "GET OUT
BEFORE I MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE NO MORE CHILDREN BY-"
"Right. I guess this means no recommendation, eh?" Billy
actually turned beet ( Pickled? ) red. John Astin took
his leave while he still had the chance. For several
minutes after he left, Billy just stood right where he
was, clenching his fists, breathing heavily, and trying to
fight down the maddening urge to destroy the world and
everyone in it. Just take it easy, Billy Peltzer. You
might not get a chance to destroy the world, but someone
will very soon. BEEP! BEEP!

Calm enough now to go on with the rest of the story,
Billy returned to his desk. He went through the notes on
the latest Nielsen ratings. Sci-Fi High had risen a total
of 163 points! That meant that more people than the
population of the Earth were watching! More than 100% of
the viewing audience was watching! This wasn't the first
bit of luck he had had today along the television front.
Earlier in the day, over that funny bottle of cyanide, he
sold his idea for a cartoon about mice living in a white
house to Steven Bochco for a very large sum of money. He
had finally decided to dump the Driving Miss Daisy
television show and its various incarnations, Driving Miss
Daisy Mad, Driving Miss Daisy Insane, Driving Miss Daisy
Bonkers, Driving Miss Daisy over the Edge, Driving Miss
Daisy Back, Driving Miss Daisy away, Driving Miss Daisy to
Drink, and Diving Miss Daisy starring Ester Williams.
Instead, he had chosen to produce Bothers, the story of
three gay brothers and their relation to each other and to
some doddering, old man. Like a dolt, he couldn't stop
singing the theme song. "Come and see the famine spree.
Ignore my brothers and me. We're too busy disruptin' our
family- 'cause we're bothers! Bothers! Life is full of
stress and strife. Lose a brother; leave a wife. But
your brothers are bothers throughout your life 'cause
they're bothers! Shoop, doo, wah! Was that awful or
what? YEP! IT'S BAD! NO GOOD! NO GOOD!" BEEP! BEEP!

Suddenly, the door burst open yet again and a
tattered, tired, and beaten Toxic Avenger stumbled in.
"TOXIE! Are you alright?" "Yeah," Toxie waved Billy
aside. "I'm just stunned. I'm sorry I couldn't stop them
all. They rushed me and beat me into submission." "That's
okay. I'm just glad to see you survived." "You are?"








"Yes. We're short a janitor at the moment and we could
use someone with your cleaning skills." "Really?!"
Toxie's face beamed. "I'm really needed? After all these
years, after my failed cartoon, toy, show, and last two
movies, I'm actually needed again? SURE! Sure, I'll take
it! I'll start right now!" In less than a second, Toxie
had Billy's office all nice and clean again. He didn't
stop there. First, he dashed out of the room and returned
to the scene of his titanic battle to mop up. Then, he
repaired the elevator and went from floor to floor
cleaning up. BEEP! BEEP!

Billy sat back down at his desk, just in time for
another person to come in. This time, it was Kate. Billy,
noticing her shapely form wiggling into the room, turned
on his intercom. "Mrs. Wye. Has my real estate agent
called me back yet?" "Yes, sir. He says everything's
kosher, er, ready." "Good." He turned off his intercom,
got up, walked over to Kate, and put his hand on her
shoulder, noticing that she wasn't wearing a bra and then
remembering why. "I've got something to show you, Kate."
BEEP! BEEP!

A little over an hour later, Billy parked the long,
black limo and he and Kate got out. Before them stretched
the most beautiful house that Kate had ever seen. She
turned to Billy, blatant greed beaming from her eyes.
"Yep," Billy began. "It's ours." He turned to bask in
the house's wonderful new glory. "OURS!" He wrung his
palms together. "But where in the world did you get the
cash for such a lavish pad?" "That's an interesting tale,
indeed. Well, ever since I've been 'elected' to VP, I've
had the money for it. My meager computer skills have been
building. I just haven't had enough extra dough to blow.
But, my previously purloined corporation funds coupled
with a large reward that that dead chump, Chump, gave me
have enabled me... us-" It was the first time in their
love live that Billy had said us. "-to live in style."
Kate turned back to view the beautiful home. She began to
cry. BEEP! BEEP!

"What's more," Billy continued. "I found out where
you had intended to bury me. This home was marked as a
possible sight for retired VP's, but since most have died
before retiring, Chuck for example, they were going to
demolish it to make way for my grave. We'll set a record,
Kate. We'll be the first ones to live in it!" "Oh,
Billy. This is wonderful!" "And it gets better. Remember
this?" Billy reached past the open car door and pulled
out his famous backpack, its infinite length of extension
cord still intact and spliced directly into a 220 line in








his former house in Kingston Falls. Billy pulled out a
mysteriously located fiddle from his backpack and began to
play a scraggly little tune. Kate wrapped her arm around
Billy's and the two love birds walked hand in hand into
their new house for the first time. Mushroom ran out of
the back seat where he had been sitting with Kate. He
hurried onto the lawn, curled up, yawned, and went to
sleep. Okay! I've had enough! I can't take it anymore!
All this nice stuff happening to Billy. Fade to black
right now! BEEP! BEEP!

A mysterious figure in a trench coat and fedora
walked up against the black background. He stopped and
turned to face you all. "And what ever happened to the
Critter space ship that crashed into the old, Chinese
man's curio shop? Why was it never found? Why didn't
anyone see it land? Why didn't anyone care? Well, that
my friends, is an... unsolved mystery." He spoke with a
slightly ultra stacked voice that would have been perfect
for Magnus the Robot Fighter. He turned and walked off
into the black. And the moral of this story is: be it
ever so humble, there's no place like home, especially if
it's far away from Gremlins, Mogwai, Dr. Wily, and old,
Chinese men.


This is the end of Gremlins 2: Rewritten V \ Revelations.
Long, wasn't it? Well, I never get to talk you all. Like
I don't during the course of the stories! Well, I do, and
I'm going to do it again here. The only thing I wanted to
point out was the absolute oddity of the correlation of
some events. First, there's Sandi Korn. Not only does
she, shortly after writing her in the story, have a
birthday, it's on Christmas day of all days. Well, I
guess she's- ahem- bearing gifts. Sorry. Second, I
started writing this story on... Hold on. Let me Page Up.


There. Hi! I'm back. I began writing this story on
2-13-93. The next day, 2-14-93 for those of you who can't
add, I discovered that Zach Galligan, the less than super
star who played Billy Peltzer in Gremlins and Gremlins 2,
had a birthday. Thirdly, the zombie uprising of 1976 in
Kingston Falls. I recently had the joy of reading I Am
Legend, the book that Night of the Living Dead is
supposedly based on, by Richard Matheson. It was written
in 1954 but takes place in, yes you guessed, stinking
1976! Oh well. Welp, this document is getting hard on my
286 and it's rapidly running out memory, so I'll shut up
until next time.















Gremlins 2: Rewritten V \ Revelations @1993 by David
Minter. Based on the movie Gremlins 2 @1990 by Warner
Brothers Pictures Incorporated, the concept of the Book
and Record Set @1984 by Buena Vista Records, and material
from Gremlins 2: Rewritten IV \ No More Mister Nice Guy
@1993 by David Minter, Gremlins 2: Rewritten III \ Here
They Grow Again @1993 by David Minter, Gremlins 2:
Rewritten II \ The Legacy of Billy Peltzer @1992 by David
Minter, and Gremlins 2: Rewritten \ Movin' On Up to the
East Side @1992 by David Minter.



Gremlins @1984, 1990 Warner Brothers Pictures
Incorporated.

Gremlins 2 @1990 Warner Brothers Pictures Incorporated.

Hostess Fruit Pies @1993 Continental Baking Company.

Buena Vista Records is a subsidiary of Walt Disney.

Hostess is a registered trademark of Continental Baking
Company.

This series is dedicated to Jeff Rolfingsmeier without
whose ceaseless dedication and corrections this series
would have been a whole lot better.










 
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