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Gremlins 2: Rewritten II \ The Legacy of Billy Pe
Gremlins 2: Rewritten II \ The Legacy of Billy Peltzer
Written 12-29-92 by: David Minter
Based on the movie Gremlins 2 @1990 by Warner Brothers
Pictures Incorporated, the concept of the Book and Record
Set @1984 by Buena Vista Records, and material from
Gremlins 2: Rewritten \ Movin' On Up to the East Side
@1992 by David Minter.
This is the story of Gremlins 2: Rewritten II \ The Legacy
of Billy Peltzer. Read along with me in your book. Now!
Obey the orders! Turn the page when you hear the Road
Runner beep like this BEEP! BEEP! Let's begin... now.
Remember to turn the page every time you hear the Road
Runner. BEEP! BEEP!
Billy has decided to abandon his family life and
basically his family as well. He and Kate have moved to
New York City where they both got employment at Chump
Towers, the embodiment of corporate greed for the entire
world. There, Billy hoped he could get lost in the
alluring power of wealth now that he has become its Vice
President. He so desperately wants to be able to leave
Rand, Mrs. Peltzer, (, Groucho, and the various other
assortments of oddball characters that he has had to
endure for the past few years. Unfortunately, what Billy
doesn't realize is that one his workers down in Chump's
Research and Development district is about to bring the
entire nightmare back to life! BEEP! BEEP!
Doctor Wily touched a small patch of Groucho's fur
with the flame from the Bunsen burner. Then, he swiped a
fire break across its chest. Groucho began to scream out,
not so much from physical pain as the weight upon his mind
of being responsible for reviving the horrid monsters that
are hell bent on destroying the Earth. All the while, Dr.
Wily was grinning maniacally, waiting with erotic
expectation for the results of his little experiment.
These results were, to say the most, slightly surprising
to the scientist. BEEP! BEEP!
Tiny balls of fur began popping out from the scorch
marks on Groucho! Rebounding of the walls like living
ricochets, they were giggling and laughing madly. Dr.
Wily ducked as one came flying over his head and dodged as
another came hurtling towards his face. Even though he
was being accosted by strange fluff balls that apparently
seemed alive, Dr. Wily never once lost track of his
scientific mind. All the while, he was making
observations and recordings that, when properly assembled,
would surely grant him the Nobel Prize in biology. BEEP!
BEEP!
Suddenly, Dr. Wily arose and stretched an arm high
above his head. Snatching a new Mogwai in mid bounce, he
watched it in amazement as it stretched out its new arms
and legs. After it ceased to be of scientific import, Dr.
Wily dropped it roughly to the floor and examined another
one. "This is amazing! They seem to be some form of
mammal... that REPRODUCES BY FIRE! I've got to get a
picture." He motioned to the security camera operator,
Arte Johnson, to monitor this activity. The operator
turned the camera's gaze from the ladies' restroom to the
laboratory that he was supposed to be monitoring in the
first place. "Excellent!" Dr. Wily said, rubbing his
hands together in expectant greed. "I've got the proof
that I finally need!" BEEP! BEEP!
Meanwhile at Obsidian's, the posh eatery that Billy
had chosen to meet Kate at, Billy was waiting to meet
Kate. He glanced at his new solid gold Rolex. "She's
sixteen minutes late," Billy noted. A waiter came up to
his table. "Cen I hep you, missure?" the very blatant
and stereotyped Frenchman began. "Yes, ummm..." Billy
looked at his name plate. "Jerry. I'll take a stiff
vodka." "Oui!" Jerry, the waiter, shouted rather too
loudly, activated his rocket pack, and sped off into the
kitchen. Billy thought that the rocket packs were a very
good idea of his. They provided just enough ambiance to
make the place seem French and just enough American
stupidity to make it seem not French. When the exhaust
cleared away, Billy was startled by the form of Kate
wearing a leather mini that would have covered more skin
on a skeleton. BEEP! BEEP!
"Billy!?" Kate said, startled. "Wh-what are you
doing here?" "I'll get to that later," Billy began to
drool. "Sit." He offered Kate a chair, not so much out
of kindness as to get the chance to see up her dress.
"Where have you been for the past sixteen minutes?" Kate
pondered desperately on how she would answer this
question. First, there was the fact that she had been
changing into the mini for a rendezvous with the VP.
Second, when she went into the VP's office, there was no
one there. Third, she got the memo and went down to
Obsidian's, only to find Billy there! Kate was in it very
deep. BEEP! BEEP!
Then suddenly, the possible realization of the
situation hit her. She rested her head on the table top
and moaned, "Don't me tell you're the-" "I'm the new
Vice President!" Billy finished Kate's sentence for her,
much against her will. Kate was almost frantic. Had he
found out about her not so staunch celibacy? Well, he
eventually would if he would read about the job
description for the VP's concierge. She had to play it
cool, assume for the moment that he was still as ignorant
as he normally was. "Billy!" Kate suddenly lit up and
flashed him one of those looks that women get on their
face when they are trying to hide an affair. "That's
wonderful! I'm... so happy for you," she completed the
last part of her conversation through gritted teeth. "I
thought you would be, bitch. By the way, why did ya' buy
that mini?" Kate's mind raced quickly and suddenly
crashed into a brick wall as the idea struck her. "I
wanted to surprise you with it at home, tonight. You
know, really turn you on!" She growled like a panther.
"But, now you've spoiled it all, damn it!" "Sorry, dear."
Billy placed his hand on hers and patted it lovingly
before placing it against her face and striking her with
it. "I'll make up for it tonight in bed. Ah, here comes
our waiter." Kate was thoroughly surprised by the jet of
flame and rush of air that greeted her when Jerry
returned. BEEP! BEEP!
"Yur drink, missure." Jerry held out his tray. Billy
picked up the shot glass, placed it against his lips, and
tried to drink it. He knew something was wrong when there
was the absence of the sudden
burning-like-the-fires-of-hell sensation that accompanies
vodka. Billy removed the glass and examined it. After
careful deliberation, he turned the glass upside down and
shook it. He decided to question Jerry when the fluid
inside failed to budge a single inch. "What hell is
this?" he asked, continuing to shake the glass. "Yu sed
yu wanted eet steef, missure." "Yeah, but not this stiff.
I wanted to get stone drunk, not have stone drinks! This
reminds me of Rand I's coffee/tar invention. Oh, well.
Here's to Abslout bliss!" Billy said punningly. "Ha, ha,
ha! Kate, what will you have?" Kate was still
deliberating the rocket pack. "The waiters weren't
wearing rocket packs the last time I was here." "When was
the last time you were here? We've never been here."
"Yesterday, when I was dining with Chuuuuuuuuuu-" she
tried to drown out the word Chuck at the end of her
sentence. "With who?" Billy, who still hadn't caught on
yet, asked. "With the Chuuuuuuuu-u-eese. Yeah! The
cheese! I was dining with the cheese." "The cheese?"
"Yes. The Stinky Cheese Man." "Ok," Billy said, cocking
his head to one side. "What would you like to drink,
dear?" he asked, clenching his fists as well as his teeth
at the absolute oddity of the situation. Kate turned to
Jerry. "Oh, just give me an El Diablo." "Wood yu like a
larj noombear six on top?" "No. Just a normal, deadly El
Diablo." "Oui!" Jerry acknowledged and rocketed on his
way. BEEP! BEEP!
After the initial shock of the El Diablo wore off of
Kate and Billy's vodka had softened enough to drink a part
of it, the pair were walking back to their respective
positions. Luckily, today was the day that Kate didn't
assume her normal position in the Vice President's office.
Billy stopped by a gum ball machine and purchased a piece.
He placed it in his mouth and started to chew. He tried
to say something to Kate, but it came out as a bunch of
garbled, unintelligible junk. Billy continued to try to
chew the gum. He was trying because he couldn't chew the
gum for some odd reason. Billy continued to try chewing
anyway. He didn't notice. Kate did. "Billy, that gum
you just put in your mouth..." "Yesh?" "It was a rubber
ball." Billy's eyes widened as he looked towards where
Kate was pointing. Sure enough, next to the gum ball
machine that he had intended to patron, was one of those
little quarter machines that dispenses novelty toys.
Inside, it was filled with toy rubber balls. He turned
back to Kate, shrugged his shoulders, and swallowed the
ball anyway, much to Kate's shock and consternation.
Billy, noticing the estranged look on Kate's face, said,
"Hey. It was a whole quarter! I'm not about to waste
such spare change now that I'm rich. I think I'll go and
partition a couple of the hard drives on the new computers
that I just ordered. See you later, babe!" BEEP! BEEP!
Billy went back up the executives' elevator, leaving
Kate to ponder her current situation. What was she going
to do? Eventually, she would have to go up to the Vice
President's office and sleep with Billy. Then the cat, or
should I say rather awfully punningly pussy cat, will be
out of the bag. Eventually, she would have to confess her
iniquities to Billy. But, until she could come up with a
convincing enough lie, she would keep her big trap shut.
BEEP! BEEP!
Down in the basement of the Chump Towers, Dr. Wily
was watching, with vast interest, the new Mogwai beat up
Groucho. "Dan, look at it. It's almost as if they really
hate their, for want of a better term, 'father.' This
will nab me the Nobel for sure! Ha, ha!" Dr. Wily
returned to observing the creatures and making recordings
on one of those clipboards that you see scientists and
doctors constantly recording recordings on. Dr. Wily
glanced at the clock. "Hmmm. It's 4:30. Guess we'd
better feed them some lunch. Dr. Ranjed. What do we have
left in the cooler from our field expedition?" Dr.
Ranjed, a Ghandi look-a-like, searched through the
remaining provisions. "All we seem to have left is some
old corned beef." "Nobody ever wants to eat that damned
stuff! Why do you keep packing it in with our provisions
every time we go out into the field, Dan?" "I've been
performing experiments of my own. I wanted to see the
effects of prolonged exposure on human tissue to corned
beef. So far, in my limited research, I've discovered
that 85% of the married couples tested had improved
marital relationships and not a single family had a
divorce." "Odd," Dr. Wily commented. "Well, let's dump
that crap on our... 'guests' in there." BEEP! BEEP!
Back in his plush office, Billy was going through
some of the latest results on Project: Albatross. It
seemed to be going well, and by Billy's definition of well
when it came to Project: Albatross, nothing new had been
accomplished. He was about to go through the latest
Nielsen ratings when the janitor came in to do his daily
cleaning, annoying, and advice giving. "Hey, mister VP!"
John Astin, the janitor, greeted Billy in his normal
jovially annoying way. "Oh, no," Billy sighed. He
didn't like John Astin. He was too much like Adam West,
and would, on regular occasions, remind him of that fact.
He also had a penchant for randomly uttering strange 70's
hippy phrases, like "Sit on it!" and "Keep on truckin'"
and "Flick your Bic!" What was really annoying was when
he would combine several of these phrases. "Mister
Peltzer. Hola! Flick your Bic and sit on it!" That had
done it! He was fed up with John Astin almost as much as
Adam West. "Alright, Astin! Take your Bic, and the ass
that your sit on and get out of my office before I flick
you off!" BEEP! BEEP!
"Hey, Billy. What's eating you, man?" "You, that's
what, you Adam West wanna-be!" John tensed up when he
heard that name. "How many times do I have tell people!"
he shouted. "I am not Adam West. I AM NOT ADAM WEST!" he
raised his fists to the heavens and shook them violently.
"I got work after the Addams Family! I didn't fester and
die like West!" He beat his fists against his chest.
"Don't try to deny it! You're a failure! A failure...
just like Adam West!" Billy drew out the words Adam West.
John Astin, although normally a non-violent man, would NOT
stand and be compared to Adam West. He... would... not.
"I vehemently deny any relationship to WEST!" He gritted
his teeth at the mentioning of the term "West." "I don't
have to take these regular insults or this job. This only
a cameo role, to ride me out until I get paid. Yes, it's
hard for you to believe, isn't it because you keep
thinking I'm an Adam West protege? But, I got a job!
Even though they axed my character on 'Night Court,' I've
been offered to do a third Killer Tomatoes movie and a
cartoon based on that self name series of movies!"
"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: The Series? I don't
believe it! No network would be foolish enough to put
THAT on the air, not even CCN!" "You'll see!" John Astin
picked up his portable ash can, waved it over his head,
and hurled it Billy's way. Billy just barely avoided it
by about 100 yards. "Damn you, Billy Peltzer!" John
cursed and took his leave. Billy adjusted his tie.
"Phew! Finally rid of him!" BEEP! BEEP!
Billy picked up the Nielsen report and studied it
carefully. It seemed his number one rated creation, a
series he simply called "Odd", was still in the number one
slot. He pressed a button on his desk and a large screen
television slid out from a side wall. He turned it on to
see which episode of "Odd" was on tonight. "Oh, boy!"
Billy shouted in expectation and began to bob up and down
in his springy seat and rub his hands together. It was
his favorite episode, the pilot that became the top rated
show ever in prime time. "Odd" begins, appropriately
enough, oddly. Red, green, and yellow lines shoot across
the screen and spell out the title. The scene cuts over
to a photo of Chump Towers. Then Godzilla comes along and
demolishes it. From the rubble of the building, an angel
arises and spreads its mighty wings. It begins to sing
out "Odd's" theme song as the camera pans zooms down its
open mouth. In this tunnel, the episode's guest stars are
displayed as well as other basic useless credit
information. BEEP! BEEP!
The pilot episode was titled, "Hollywood Squares
Horror!" The word Horror was written in blood. Jon
Davison introduced the contestants and went over the
rules. "Player Two never goes. Player Two never wins.
Player one is always the woman. Let's begin!" It seemed
that the female contestant was so stupid that she had
actually incorrectly answered enough questions to let
player two win a round. But, she was one question away
from tying up the score. "Burgess Meredith for the win."
Burgess Meredith, in the center square, turned and stared
angrily at the woman. Rising, he said, "Oh, sure. Now
you call on me. You only call on me when you need me!"
Jon tried to calm him down. "Look. Will you sit down and
deliver you pre-selected bad joke?" "No! Absolutely not!
I've had it up to here with you!" Turning to face the
upper-right square, he shouted, "Mr. T! Attack!" Mr. T
jumped from his square and cyclone spin kicked down the
staircase and up to Jon Davison. He began to attack him
repeatedly with repetitive kicks. The contestants then
started a brawl and soon the squares were attacking the
audience. Jm J. Bullock started hurling hand grenades
from the middle left square and Joan Rivers was manning a
machine gun nest from the bottom center. All the while,
through this myriad mindless violence, Burgess Meredith is
reclining back in his square, laughing maniacally all the
time. BEEP! BEEP!
Dr. Wily was down in the basement, still working
feverishly away. He was now sadistic with the prospect of
hurting Groucho, but, for some unexplained reason, not the
other Mogwai. He continued experimenting on the
creatures, because they didn't seem hungry. They hadn't
even touched the corned beef, which was proof positive
about the accepted theory in the scientific world about
corned beef. He made a careful note of that fact and a
note to mock Dr. Ranjed with it later. Working though the
latex gloves embedded in the viewing plate, he removed
singular hairs from different Mogwai and submitted them to
combustion test. A singular hair wasn't enough to
replicate a singular Mogwai, but the entire fur of one
Mogwai was sufficient to create an average of six (
Sometimes more. Sometimes less. ). So, Dr. Wily was
literally breeding the Mogwai for combustion. By early
evening, he had replicated a total of 117 Mogwai, all
anxious to get their paws on Groucho. Groucho was now in
severe trouble. If he was beaten any further, Dr. Wily
didn't notice it and Groucho would die. BEEP! BEEP!
Dr. Ranjed was also anxious. He was worried that the
creatures might suffer from starvation if they didn't eat
soon. But, he was even more concerned at the fact that
his own experiments were going awry. He KNEW he was
right, but the scientific world needed solid evidence. So,
he had made up his mind. He was going to go in there and
force the Mogwai to eat the corned beef. He slowly walked
over to the door, unnoticed at first by Dr. Wily. By the
time he did notice Dr. Ranjed, Dan had already had his
hand on the door latch. "NO!" Dr. Wily shouted. "DON'T
OPEN THAT DOOR!" He opened the door. "DON'T GO IN
THERE!" He went in there. A wave of Mogwai enveloped Dr.
Ranjed. They scurried about the room trying to find some
means of escape. Dr. Wily rushed over to the laboratory
door and sealed it. He ran over to the containment unit
and shut it, to prevent the escape of the few remaining
Mogwai. He then bent down to examine Dr. Ranjed. Brushing
aside several mad, thrashing Mogwai, he noticed that they
had torn into his throat and ripped out his trachea. He
had to stop them! He had to prevent this from happening
to other people in the building, in the city, in the
world! BEEP! BEEP!
He began rushing about the room, scooping up as many
as he could with his free hands, fighting off others with
his feet, and placing as many as he could back in the
containment unit. But, it was basically futile. Several
Mogwai had sacrificed their lives to tear open the grate
guarding the ventilation shaft. The rest poured into the
shaft and rolled away like demented Wiffle balls. Dr.
Wily bent down and peered into the shaft. He stood back
up and pondered the sheer futility of his previous
actions. Next, he pondered what implications his actions
might have. It scared him silly. Finally, he uttered,
"My God! What have I done?! They're now loose in the
building!!!!" BEEP! BEEP!
Back up in the office, Billy was going through the
latest applications for jobs. Yes, it was also the Vice
President's job to go through the applications and pick
the most qualified ones to interview. He looked up in the
direction of the air conditioning vent when he heard the
funny grating noises coming from inside of it. "Damn
rats!" he cursed. "Astin should have gotten rid of
them!" Then he realized, Astin had already left and
thankfully so. Two applications really caught his eye.
One was from a man named ( Quan. He immediately tore that
one up and tossed the paper into the air like confetti,
celebrating a new year without Rand or the old, Chinese
man. The other was a little more interesting. After
carefully pondering it, he grinned devilishly. "Send in
applicant number 42," Billy said into his intercom. The
candidate opened the outer door and stepped into Billy's
nice office. Rand was surprised to see his step-son
behind the desk. BEEP! BEEP!
"My son!" Rand shouted. "I haven't seen you in so
long!" He held out his arms and tried to embrace his son
but Billy fended him off his lit cigar. Rand, seeing that
there was some love lost between him and his son, sat down
in the chair in front of Billy's desk. It was
specifically designed to make the person sitting in it
feel lower than the person behind the desk. "Sooooooo,"
Billy began. "You want me to give you a job, eh?" Rand
smiled nervously. "Well, jobs just don't grow on trees.
Surely your inventions keep you rolling in dough. Hee,
hee, hee!" "It's your mother, Billy." "My mother's name
isn't Billy. In fact, I don't what it is and I don't
care." "She's bleeding me out of house and home! I can't
keep up with having to pay her psychiatric bills. I'M
FLAT BROKE!" Billy stared at his step-father intently and
suddenly smiled. Finally getting his revenge, Billy
turned Rand down for a job at Chump Towers. BEEP! BEEP!
"SURELY YOU CAN USE AN INVENTOR! I know what you do
down there in the basement! Research and development, my
ass!" "Get out," Billy calmly said. Rand fell to his
knees and began to beg for a job, trying to reason with
him by reminding Billy that he was his step-father. It
made absolutely no impression on him whatsoever. Billy,
now annoyed by Rand, called in his security forces to deal
with Rand. The burly guards beat Rand to the tune of
"Goodbye Island." RAND WAS STUNNED. Then, they picked
him up by the collar, fished through his pockets, took his
wallet and his shirt, tossed them in the incinerator, and
threw Rand through an open window in Billy's office. Billy
savored the long, lingering scream of his step-father
before it was suddenly cut short by the sidewalk. Then,
he became angered at his guards. "How could you do
that?!" he berated the guards. He pointed at the open
window and said, "You forgot to shut the window before
throwing him out of it! Now, go downstairs, bring what's
left of my step-father back up here, and do it right!"
The guards held their heads down in shame and went off to
do their duty. You can imagine their surprise when they
opened the door and a wave of furry, little balls poured
into the room.
This is the end of Gremlins 2: Rewritten II \ The Legacy
of Billy Peltzer. Things seem to be a little awry for
Billy. His utopiatic vision of the future is about to
collapse around him, leaving a pyre of broken dreams at
his feet. Sounds cheery, doesn't it? You'll see next
time in Gremlins 2: Rewritten III \ Here They Grow Again.
Gremlins 2: Rewritten II \ The Legacy of Billy Peltzer
@1992 by David Minter. Based on the movie Gremlins 2
@1990 by Warner Brothers Pictures Incorporated, the
concept of the Book and Record Set @1984 by Buena Vista
Records, and material from Gremlins 2: Rewritten \ Movin'
On Up to the East Side @1992 by David Minter.
Gremlins @1984, 1990 Warner Brothers Pictures
Incorporated.
Gremlins 2 @1990 Warner Brothers Pictures Incorporated.
Buena Vista Records is a subsidiary of Walt Disney.
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