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Text from a fuck- you forum on a bbs
Post: 1
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 00:21:36 EDT
Have you ever used vomit as vaginal lubricant? Do you know what your own
shit tastes like? How about other people's shit? Do you fantasize about
handcuffing, bludgeoning, and urinating on members of a particular ethnic
minority? Have you pondered the useful and interesting ways that you might
exploit the suck reflex of a 6-month-old infant?
This is a forum for serious discussion and study of offensive ideas,
speech, and behavior.
If you're going to post here, make sure it is truly *inventive* and
imaginative in its exploration of _bonafide hard-core offensiveness_.
Schoolyard humor or sick jokes will be viewed as filler. Postings that
induce shock, outrage, or a physical gag reflex will be encouraged. True
confessions of sociopathic acts will be especially valued.
If you think this is a juvenile, pathetic waste of time . . . if you're
concerned that young children may be harmed by this shit . . . if you think
this is encouraging the kind of low-life behavior that has already tainted
this text to an unhealthy degree . . . then fuck you!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 5
From: tomwhore (Baron Love Sexy)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 00:31:44 EDT
/me makes room on the couch
So once I heard from a friend of a friend This friend worked at a mental
ward. One of the kids there had this habit, a good one at that. He could
pull his asshole out about six or seven inches, sorta just go in there and
pull it out with his shit encrusted fingers.
Sometimes he would let it dangle out his pants, other times he would play
with it. Once, so I hear, he couldn't put it back. He had stretched it out
to such a degree it simply wouldn't snap back.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 8
From: slowdog (eraserhead)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 00:39:47 EDT
When I was in HS, there was this girl life guard at the swimming pool in
the apartment complex where I lived. She delighted in telling us stories.
One was of this couple, going at it in her dorm room. He moved and went
down on her, really eating her out.
He had also just recently eaten a whole lot of pizza and promptly vomited
all over her pussy.
Just thought I'd share.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 13
From: microdot (NO CARRIER)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 00:39:04 EDT
I have lurked for a while, and am quite encouraged by the folks I find.
I've accepted myself as a zoo and have had the wonderful good fortune to
have a zoo for a spouse. I enjoy reading this group tremendously for the
attitudes and sharing I see. Eleven years ago, I discovered my zoo
tendencies somewhat accidentally. I was 19, living at home with my parents,
attending a local Junior College. My folks went on a trip and left me and
Rowdy to care for the house. I also was caring for the neighbors' dog while
they were out of town. Although Rowdy is very protective (aren't all German
Shepherds?), he was the friendliest animal you could imagine. This
particular day, I spent about an hour next door. Feeding, watering, and
playing with the neighbors' dog (who was in season and confined). I noticed
when I unlocked my door, Rowdy was unusually enthusiastic when I greeted
him. I went upstairs to my room and jumped in the shower. When I came out,
I sat on the bed to blow dry my hair. Rowdy pushed his body between my legs
and put his head in my lap, like he usually did when he wanted to be
petted, but this time, he wouldn't be still for me to pet him. As Rowdy
bucked around and finally grabbed my leg and started humping, I noticed his
penis sticking out from its sheath. Ever the curious one, I pushed him back
to get a better look at it. That's when he put his nose in my crotch and
gave me a glorious lick. Wow! Then, he grabbed my leg again and resumed his
humping. At first, I was startled. Then, I figured out that the smell of
the female was on my jeans and Rowdy was *excited!* I had the craziest
thought . . . why not? I had heard of women who had dogs as love mates, but
I had never considered Rowdy. I loved him like one of the family, but he
was obviously in such a state . . . I decided to give him a try . . . just
to see how far he would go. I got down on the carpet on all fours and
instead of jumping on top of me, he went after my sex with his tongue. That
tongue of his really rang my bell quickly but was a little intense. I tried
to get him onto my back, but those nails of his convinced me that there had
to be a better way. I got up and turned to face him in a squatting
position. I put the center of my back against the side of the bed and as I
leaned back, I pulled the big lug on top of me, with his rear end between
my thighs. He really didn't know what to do as I lay there with him
hovering over me. He was so close, I could feel the soft tip of his cock
pushing into my crotch. I reached under him and started to stroke and guide
his penis. Within a few strokes, he connected with my vagina. He partially
entered me and started going 90 mph. His cock was so hot! He worked his
paws a bit around my waist and with his tremendous strength, was actually
pulling me onto his penis with each stroke. Once he had penetrated me, I
felt a large bump push into my vagina. Then his penis started to grow! It
was painful at first, but there was no stopping him at this point. I felt
his huge cock almost in the pit of my stomach and I was so *full!* I felt
absolutely impaled on his long cock and was loving every minute of it. He
slobbered all over my breasts while humping me and brought me to several
orgasms. While he was in me, I could feel an awesome throbbing as he pumped
his load. After a while, he started doing a dance with his hind feet and
his penis deflated enough to pull out of me. I was in shock and in heaven
at the same time. He licked me clean and then curled up at the base of the
bed. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoy sharing with people
of similar interests. I like reading about others' experiences also so I
hope you other lurkers will join me in posting. Carolyn (Skytravelr)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 29
From: catfood (-[erase]-)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 03:28:25 EDT
I suppose we should get some elementary tips outta the way early on: Waders
(the type you normally use when you're, say, trout fishing) are useful to
have while doing sheep, so you'll have somewhere to stuff their rear legs.
Young calves will nurse on just about anything.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 30
From: geekus (NO CAREER)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 08:42:38 EDT
once upon a time, i was transmitted a nice, nongonhorreal infection from
this cute brazilian skankpot named ruth. at first, i had the vaguest sense
that my penis itched--from the inside. within a couple of days, it felt
like my dick was on fire. pissing had become downright painful, so it was
with great dread that i went into the bathroom. i waddled up to the toilet
and unhitched. looking down i thought, hey, who left the baklava in my
shorts? then it occurred to me, hey, that's not flaky, gooey pastry with
nuts, that's my pecker.
you're welcome.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 31
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 11:14:30 EDT
I see that someone has "fingered" me, revealing the fact that I have no
previous experience here on MindVox. I hope this won't cause anger and
resentment.
For several years I have been a member of another well-known online
service. But I never felt able to express myself with sufficient freedom.
When I was complaining about this to a friend who is well acquainted with
the owners of MindVox, he suggested that I could find a new home here.
My qualification for this task consists of lifelong experience and
fascination with disgusting and offensive behavior. Believe me, I have many
stories to tell.
Since response to this forum has been so swift and positive, I would like
to propose a monthly "Filth Award" to the person who makes the most
memorable post in each of these categories:
1. Most nauseating anecdote
2. Most interesting perversion
3. Most original insult
Should there be additional award categories that I haven't thought of?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 32
From: galt (Skenderbeg)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 11:41:28 EDT
Heard while I was stationed at Ft. Bragg: "Shut up, you clit-muscled
faggot."
And one personally penned by my best friend: "Go to hell, you flaming
one-eyed butt weasel."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 33
From: galt (Skenderbeg)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 11:45:02 EDT
Story, heard from a friend of a friend of a friend: Once upon a time this
high school lad and his high-school GF were enjoying an intimate moment at
his house, in the afternoon, in the magical time between the end of school
and when your parents come home from work. He had her in the basement, just
in case the folks came home. Anyway, he was butt-fucking her ferociously.
Suddenly his mother walked in on them. He pulled out suddenly in surprise.
When he did, the young lass spewed the contents of her colon upon his
genitals. When he looked down and saw this, he became nauseated and vomited
all over her back.
The End.
What I really want to know is . . . what happened after that, with this
poor naked young girl kneeling on the ground, covered with vomit, having
just shat all over this woman's son? I can't think of anything to say in
that situation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 44
From: nirvana (Squared Infinity)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 19:29:30 EDT
A friend of mine has a friend that goes to NYU (girl) and the friend was
going out with her BF that night leaving her roommate in the dorm alone . .
. she told the roommate that she was going out for the night and she would
be back around 3 in the morning . . . The girl left with her BF but then
remembered she forgot her ID which she needed to get back in later on . . .
she wasted about 10 minutes talking to friends she ran into downstairs
before she actually got around going back up to her room . . . when she got
there before she opened the door she heard a loud humming . . . she opened
the door only to be greeted by her roommate jerking off with a vacuum
cleaner that was on . . . worse yet she kept on fucking herself with the
vacuum cleaner since she didn't hear her roommate come in due to the noise.
The girl that came in snuck up on her roommate and jumped in front of her
saying
boo!
really loud. The girl's BF was in the room watching the spectacle at this
point and laughing also . . . The girl masturbating with the vacuum cleaner
jumped up and started to scream which made people from other dorm rooms
emerge and come in to the room. The girl was naked and just managed to turn
the vacuum cleaner off by the time a small crowd had gathered around the
opened door to see what all the screaming was about . . . The girl that was
masturbating began to cry hysterically and threw everyone out of the room
and began to dress and pack all her stuff up . . . 10 minutes later she
left the dorm and later on the next day requested a new dorm assignment . .
. My friend's friend never saw the girl again . . . they had never been
that close but that was definitely the end of that friendship. In a matter
of speaking . . . it was sucked up!
/me slaps myself for corniness (hey! . . . I had to say it!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 45
From: tomwhore (Baron Love Sexy)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 19:53:10 EDT
Some things I heard today out of the corner of my ear. "You vaginal blood
fart"
". . . she was riding the cotton pony . . . " ". . . sand paper tongue in a
canker sour world" My all time fave, while not being too gross, is a line
from 2 Jakes "In a town of lepers, I'm the man with the most fingers."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 54
From: teknikl (John Bigboote)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 21:52:25 EDT
One of my girlfriend's friends came over once to visit us. She complained
that her eyes were bothering her.
My GF Christy went into a little speech about how you should wash off your
mascara (she doesn't wear makeup but her friend does) very night to be sure
you don't get an eye infection.
So our friend goes to the bathroom and washes her eyes really well. But
still they were itchy. She runs her fingernail across the edge of her eye
and pulls out what she thinks is a bit of eye boogers.
Instead, and to her great horror, she sees that she has a small insect on
the tip of her finger. A "crab" actually.
That's when she saw that she had quite a few of them crawling around near
the edge of her eye socket.
That's when she started to freak.
Long story short: hospital, embarrassed, black eyes for two weeks.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 61
From: bobm (Needs an agent)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 23:37:15 EDT
I used to work with a woman who'd say, "You'd suck the cum out of a dead
faggot's asshole."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 62
From: nicki (substitute hero)
Date: Tue, 03 May 94 23:50:13 EDT
"You're as ugly as a bucketful of twisted assholes" And it gets even better
when I tell you that I learned that expression from my best friend's
85-year-old grandmother.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 65
From: mdreyfus (UBERMENSCH)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 01:22:48 EDT
When I was about 8 years old, I used to let my dog, Sugar (a toy collie)
lick my penis before I got in the shower . . . she would come up and sniff
it and then lick at it, kind of flicking it with her tongue . . . then as I
got older, I used to get down on all fours and let her lick my ass clean
after a shit or after one of those sweaty days that make your crack feel
all grody and slippery . . . she licked it as if she was cleaning her own
asshole, I mean, not really voraciously licking, but kind of timid . . .
she would take couple of licks and make this little face and smack her lips
and tongue a bit and then continue . . . oh, I forgot, my mom caught me
when I was 8 letting Sugar lick my penis . . . the embarrassment has yet to
be rivaled . . . not to mention the guilt trip and screaming and yelling .
. . .
this is a TRUE telling . . . and I don't have to lie by using the "I have
this friend . . . " method.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 70
From: mdreyfus (UBERMENSCH)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 01:41:22 EDT
Has anyone ever watched film footage of a massacre in Rwanda or anywhere
else and had the urge to laugh? I don't mean the laugh like the laughter at
a funeral which is attributed to a mental desire to not deal with death,
but I mean really laugh because you think it is really funny to watch these
spear chuckers whack each other to death . . . I mean, imagine it . . . a
bunch of half-or maybe full-crazed tribal types rampaging through towns
slicing away with their machetes . . . maybe the white South Africans wish
this would happen to their spear chucker rulers.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 76
From: mdreyfus (UBERMENSCH)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 01:54:55 EDT
The most outrageous porno scene I've seen is one shot on film from the
mid-seventies . . . this girl seduces a truckload of about seven to eight
garbage men who take her behind some big buildings to a medium sized
garbage dump and lay her on a heap of garbage, masturbate in a circle, and
then ejaculate on her face (yes, each of them in turn) and then leave her
lying there with her literally cum drenched face on that pile of trash . .
. I am sure there have been more bizarre, but I just found quite striking
the image of her, the pile of garbage, all that spooj, the happy garbage
men leaving her there on her back on that pile and driving off . . . (and
then those feminists types always agitate that women should be treated
equally and with respect . . . .humph . . . this film proves women wanna be
treated like shit!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 86
From: lee96 (Lee96)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 09:23:30 EDT
I'm surprised that no one mentioned the (deceased) king of gross yet
[G.G.Allin]. Among other things, he's: shoved a banana up his ass and shit
it back out in front of a horrified NYU audience; given his own brother a
blow- job on stage; fucked a dead cat; and many more great spectacles which
have fortunately been captured on video . . .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 87
From: geekus (NO CAREER)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 10:53:17 EDT
okay, not to be outdone, i am still angling for mostest yucky anecdote.
this is a continuation of my previous post (what follows took place at the
free sexually transmitted disease clinic in santa monica, california):
so after a couple of days of this baklava leaving a different colored crust
du jour in my shorts, i go to the std clinic. my turn comes and so i'm
standing in an examination room peeling my penis off my briefs when this
really mean, miserably-dissatisfied-with-her-life doctor comes in. we
discuss symptoms for a bit, then she sits on a stool, face to face with my
greg peck. "open it," she says. "huh, wha?!?" "open it," she repeats,
glaring and making a sort of moses parting the red sea motion with her
fingers. so i do the best that i can, and before i can complete the thought
"that thing's not meant to be opened," she's jammed a metal swab into my
urethra and is twirling it around. all events and sensations beyond this
point are blurred, though these memories will probably all unrepress when
i'm 80, driving my neue pinto 2000 on the jersey turnpike. i'll slam on the
brakes and get rear ended by a tractor trailer hauling soylent clear up to
rochester.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 89
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 13:24:28 EDT
Long ago and far away, I was struck by the possibility of the "ultimate
blow job," which might be achieved with the aid of a vacuum cleaner. The
regular tube on the cleaner was rather narrow, unclean, and rough on the
inside, so I made myself an extension: a cardboard tube lined with a Baggie
and lubricated with Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion.
When my organ was suitably hard I inserted it in the tube and switched on
the cleaner. Jesus Christ! This was one of the most intense and terrifying
experiences of my life! I discovered in fact that the suction drew my penis
out to about fifty percent more than its usual length. At the same time,
however, it became frighteningly thin. Fortunately I reached an intense
orgasm very quickly, and withdrew. But my organ dangled lower, and looked
skinnier, for days afterward. Also, the vacuum cleaner started smelling of
old semen and Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, which I found hard to explain
to other members of my immediate family.
Don't try this at home, kids!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 90
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 13:25:28 EDT
Since a few degenerates on this forum have brought up the matter of my
name, let me now address this unfortunate issue.
The verb "to felch" was coined, I believe, by motorcycle gang members in
the 1960s. It describes a perversion in which a person licks semen out of
another person's anus (the semen having been deposited there during a sex
act performed previously by a third party).
I have often wondered if the unfortunate meaning of my name is the reason I
have had such a lifelong obsession with dirty, disgusting behavior. Hardly
a week goes by without a phone call from some drunk or pervert, asking me
"Are you a Felcher?" When I reply in the affirmative, the person at the
other end of the line invariably says, "Then lick my ass!"
It's really very tiresome. Since there are in fact a number of people named
Felcher in any large city, I do hope that MindVox members will refrain from
telephoning them and uttering similar obscenities.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 93
From: bobm (Needs an agent)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 20:14:13 EDT
geekus (NO CAREER) writes:
>before i can complete the thought "that thing's not meant to be >opened,"
she's jammed a metal swab into my urethra and is twirling >it around.
I had that test once. I had this horrible urinary tract infection. Felt
like I was pissing white hot jagged glass. My doctor was out of the office
for a couple days and told me to go the emergency room to get to sulfa
drugs and antibiotics.
So I'm in this curtained partition and the nurse hears my symptoms and
starts questioning me about STDs, partners, etc. I say not a chance.
Nothing but latex on this dick for years now. He says, "Okay, we'll have to
take a couple of tests. First, grab your penis by the base, squeeze up and
wipe this swab on your urethra to take a culture of any discharge." I say,
"No problem, I know there's no discharge" and do as he asked. Then he says,
"Now this second test . . . " and without so much as anything, takes my
dick and rams aforementioned metal swab into it for a quick twist and pull.
I've never screamed "fuck" so loud in all my life. The poor girl getting
stitches in the area next to me is probably still in therapy after the
shock.
To add insult to injury, I got a shot of antibiotics so thick that it
burned going into the muscle of my leg, and hurt so much that I couldn't
stand on it for 20 minutes. Then I had to drive home, having to lift my leg
with my hand in order to clutch in and out.
Diagnosis turned out to be non-specific urethritis. All I wanted to do was
take a piss that didn't hurt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 95
From: sherman (Lloyd Hopkins)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 20:45:47 EDT
I find limericks a pain in the ass so I have a dirty one I use to stop the
any impromptu recitals. I'll share it with you now.
There once was a maid from the Azores Whose vagina was covered with sores
The dogs in the street
Used to lick the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
The nineties twist on felching is to put a shot glass up the persons ass to
catch the come for consumption.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 97
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 22:31:30 EDT
I was young and naive, new to the Big City, and eager to experience the
wonders of promiscuity.
There was a young woman, a friend of a friend, who was known (rightly or
wrongly) as a total slut. Naturally, at the first opportunity, I got her
drunk and went home with her.
Actually, "home" wasn't the right word; she lived in a kind of residential
hotel. The room was so dirty and foul, *neither* of us wanted to switch on
the light. So, with the aid of a good deal of fantasizing, I managed to
have sex and even managed to reach a climax. As I was leaving the next
morning, I thought to myself, "If I'm ever going to catch a venereal
disease, this is the time!" (Note: this was before the age of AIDS.)
Well, I was correct. Within 24 hours, I experienced horrific urinary pain.
My prostate felt as if it was the size of a tennis ball. When I masturbated
in order to relieve the pressure (this is the good bit, kids) *green jelly*
came out instead of semen!
So I went to the city health clinic. By this time I had a big ugly lesion
on my penis. I was examined, and the doctors looked at each other, and no
one said anything. They made me wait till all the other patients had gone,
and then called me back in. *Everyone* wanted to take a look. Finally this
old guy (who had clearly spent his life examining genitals) said, "I'm
sorry, but we're going to have to open it up."
So there I was holding my penis, with it twisted around so the underneath
part was on top, while this geezer gets a sterile needle and *scrapes open
the lesion*! Oh, it was really interesting! Then after they had it
bleeding, they pressed a microscope slide against it, and went and examined
it.
It turned out that they couldn't decide whether I had syphilis or something
else. They couldn't see any spirochetes so it looked like negative on
syphilis--but since they didn't know what else it could be, they gave me a
monster shot of penicillin anyway. Later I discovered that the woman I had
slept with had just come back from a tour of all the most primitive,
disease- infested countries of the Far East and Africa. Who knows what she
had picked up. Her name was Bonnie Billet; I still think of her from time
to time.
Never did discover what the disease was. Either it went away, or it will
metastasize and rot my brain, or it already _has_ metastasized and rotted
my brain.
The moral of this story, of course, is too obvious to bother mentioning.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 99
From: gunfury (off the hook)
Date: Wed, 04 May 94 23:15:18 EDT
I went to a prep school that had a great football program. Every summer,
around mid-August, the new players would come onto campus to start drills
for the coming season. Every year, like clockwork, we would get a handful
of girls from a local all-girls school to show up and check the new meat
out. The girls were young, pretty, and curious. One year, during my junior
year of high school, two girls drove up to a bunch of us after a hard day's
practice. There were about 8 of us in the group, and we were sweaty, grungy
and what-not. These girls loved it. They seemed to be slightly older than
the usual fare that showed up pooning around. The girl who was in the
driver's seat did all the talking. She made it clear her and her friend
wanted to party. I just knew at that point, one of us was going to fuck
this chick within the next hour or so, maybe even her cute friend. I was
behind a few of my friends, and didn't hear the last few words of the
conversation before I saw her drive towards our dorm complex. Bill, who was
in the front, turned to all of us and said to get some more guys together,
and meet him at his room in a half hour. All together, about 14 guys showed
up in Bill's room. We closed off the floor which was easy since football
players were the only ones on school grounds. As I climbed up the stairs to
get to Bill's, I heard loud moans and knew what was happening. This girl
was getting the shit fucked out of her. [note: she directed the whole
thing. She knew everything going on around her. She was not drunk, nor was
she drinking. That rare species of woman: the nymphomaniac!] Her friend was
watching for now. A few guys waited outside the room, but a lot of guys
were inside watching. Everyone fucked this chick, she knew everything and
put on a good show. This crazy kid Pete wanted to go last. He had convinced
the main attraction's friend to join him and we all watched this threesome
go at it. He was going crazy on the both of them! After doing both of them,
every way imaginable [here comes the sick part] Pete asked the girl who did
everyone "What's your name?" (typical). "Lisa", the girl said (also
typical). "I like that name", said Pete as he proceeded to stick his index
finger up Lisa's ass, and pulled out a wet hunk of shit. He butt fucked her
and pulled out a hunk of shit on his dick. Mind you, I am in the room with
a bunch of my friends and crying/laughing at this point. It was so surreal,
I couldn't believe it was happening. Pete walked over to a non- postered
wall in Bill's room and with his index finger full of shit wrote "LISA" on
the wall. We were balling at this point. He yelled over to the other girl,
"Hey honey come here! What's your name?" "Rebecca." With his shit- covered
dick he wrote "BECKY" on the wall. He then bent her over in front of the
wall and stuck his still shitty dick into Beckys ass and pressed her so
hard into the wall against her shit written name, she smeared it with her
body! As this was going on, I looked behind me at Lisa, and she asked some
of my friends to jerk off and piss on her! Four guys did just that! It was
one of the most bizarre events of my high school career.
They went home late that night. I don't think Becky showered! I told you
this forum reminded me of days of old! Felcher, you are a fucking genius!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 107
From: charles (Charles Platt)
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 13:10:25 EDT
A while ago I interviewed a woman who specializes in crushing things with
her feet. The text was published in a magazine titled "Leg Show." The woman
is entirely for real. I'm not sure how offensive it is, but it made _me_
feel vaguely queasy. Here are some excerpts.
Miss J: When I was little, I used to step on snails, which was a lot of
fun, because the shells crunch, and sometimes they pop. And the snail
squishes out, almost like a grape. And the interesting thing is, there are
people out there who love to see me do that. So now I sell my own
snail-squishing photo sets.
Leg Show: What are some other things that you step on? Miss J: I have a
video where I trample tomatoes and yams with my bare feet. I really love
the feeling of applying all of my weight and having stuff squish up between
my toes. It's quite messy, of course, but that's what submissives are
for--to lick my feet till they're clean.
Leg Show: Do you step on other foods?
Miss J: I have photos of my feet in stiletto shoes, crushing hardboiled
eggs. I have a set called "The Big Mac Attack" where I do a hamburger and
fries. In each case, the photos follow a sequence, getting messier all the
way through.
Leg Show: What do you most enjoy stepping on? Miss J: I derive the most
pleasure from stepping on live victims. It's a power trip, and it's sensual
at the same time.
Leg Show: Do you leave bruises?
Miss J: I danced on the back of one of my slaves one night, wearing the
stilettos with the gold heels, and the next day he had little round scabs
all over his back, which he didn't realize till he went to his gym, and
people started staring at him and asking what the hell happened.
Leg Show: How should our readers get in touch with you? Miss J: They should
should write to me at 1915-A East Katella Avenue, #150, Orange, CA 92667,
enclosing a stamped self-addressed envelope. In return, I will send them my
photo list and a sample photograph. Then we can go from there.
Naturally, I take no responsibility for the fate of anyone who decides to
make contact with this little monster.
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Post: 109
From: catfood (incoherent)
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 13:35:40 EDT
One afternoon, GG Allin wandered into the record store where I used to
work. He was trying to get us to stock his new album.
Would've been business as usual, had he not been covered head-to-toe in
half-dried shit.
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Post: 110
From: catfood (incoherent)
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 13:40:45 EDT
What's the oddest thing you've ever heard of anyone stuffing up their anal
orifice? An intern friend of mine told me one time that during a stint in
the ER, he actually had to pull a light bulb outta somebody's ass.
Quite tricky, that . . .
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Post: 111
From: otto (Bob Otto Barnes)
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 14:02:44 EDT
The following is the _Unusual Case_ column from the July 1991 issue of the
trade magazine "Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality,"
by William A. Morton, Jr.
Scrotum Self-Repair
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She
directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than
to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The
patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had
little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry
red and black- and-blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his
trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze
wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a
grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus
and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some
half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were.
Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine
shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a
heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type
used in putting up wallboard.
We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the
hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial
therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.
The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of
the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges
were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was
missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal
canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a
hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured
loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less
than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An
unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with
his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of
masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large
floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost
his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became
caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the
air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis,
and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and
resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of
self-gratification.
[William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester,
Pennsylvania.]
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Post: 112
From: feline (Rejected!)
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 14:42:42 EDT
So a famous newscaster at actions news in Philly went to the ER where my
friend's mom worked . . .
He had a gerbil stuck up his ass.
See, you're supposed to take the gerbil and stick it into a paper towel
tube shoved into the orifice. The gerbil then wiggles his way up your
asshole, which some sick people seem to enjoy . . .
Of course, you're supposed to remove the teeth and claws of the animal
first, so you can get him out easily . . .
Apparently, the newscaster had forgotten this last, important step . . .
and the bugger decided he like it in there and was holding on for dear
life.
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Post: 113
From: catfood (incoherent)
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 14:57:26 EDT
Reminds me of a torture technique I'd heard the Nazis used. A metal tube is
placed up a person's anus, into which is placed a live rat, then sealed.
This end of the tube is then heated to a point at which the rat decides it
is in his best interest to exit the situation--usually by eating his way
out the other open end.
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Post: 116
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 17:19:08 EDT
"My Thing About Vomit" by Ralph T. Castle [Reprint of a confessional
published in the 1970s.] PART ONE: The Early Days
It may seem perverse, even to readers of this newspaper, that anyone could
have a fetish about vomit. On the few occasions when I have confessed my
special interest in this subject, I have been told, flatly, that it is
disgusting and there is something wrong with me. But ever since I was
sixteen years old I have been aware that there can be special erotic
feelings linked to vomiting, and the act has become part of my favorite
sexual fantasies.
It all started when I was sixteen, with some teenage friends outside the
school auditorium where a typically boring dance was taking place. In the
space of three hours I managed to drink three-quarters of a gallon of wine
(with frequent pauses to piss against the wall). I became too drunk to
stand.I then are a whole packet of Ritz crackers, and then started throwing
up. I will always remember the almost creamy consistency of the vomit
resulting from the crackers dissolved in the wine and stomach juices. My
friends were disgusted to see me literally rolling around in my vomit, as
if I were getting off on it in some way. What they didn't notice was that,
as drunk as I was, the experience gave me an erection. In fact I think I
might even have reached orgasm, but I passed out soon after the stomach
spasms were over.
I thought about this experience a lot and realized it was the primal thrill
of gushing, of giving forth, which turned me on. It was like ejaculating
but much more dramatic. And vomiting brought me into an intimate contact
with the juices of my body that were normally contained and hidden. This,
and the sense of turning myself inside-out, was exciting.
So I tried to make myself vomit again, a few days later, while sober this
time. Unfortunately, it has never been easy for me to vomit. I had to keep
prodding the back of my throat with my finger, and when I finally managed
to bring up a mere cup full of vomit the muscle spasms (which I had hardly
noticed while I was drunk) were so painful that they ruined the experience
for me.
Consequently I abandoned the subject for a while, though I retained a
special interest in any movies which showed people vomiting, and I thought
about it quite a bit.
Then, when I was at college, I was dating a girl who was a yoga student and
claimed to have mental control of all bodily functions. I suddenly said, "I
bet you couldn't make yourself vomit just by thinking about it," and as I
spoke I had a vivid image of the juices flowing from her mouth, and I
realized, rather guiltily, how much it would excite me to see this and, if
possible, touch and taste her vomit as it came out.
She was a competitive person, so she accepted my challenge--provided that I
would promise to take her out to dinner afterward (!). She went into the
bathroom and kneeled down with her head over the toilet. For the next
fifteen minutes there was an endless, tantalizing series of stomach spasms
as she tried to will herself to vomit. I crouched with my arm around her,
my hand surreptitiously touching her breast. I felt unbearable anticipation
mixed with fear, as if something forbidden and dangerous was about to
happen. And then, finally, she did it. I saw the rich brown liquid flow out
of her very pretty mouth. Then, while she was still gasping for breath, I
couldn't stop myself from seizing her and kissing her passionately, so that
I could taste the vomit. I pushed my tongue into her mouth and the tip of
it touched little food particles and partially digested remnants of the
lunch she had eaten with me just a few hours earlier. The intimacy was
beyond anything I had experienced with her in our relationship.
However, to her the whole experience was repellent, and she pushed me away,
saying that there must be something wrong with me. She refused ever to
vomit for me again, and stopped seeing me soon after that. My biggest
regret was that I hadn't asked her to vomit into a dish; as it was, she had
quickly flushed the toilet, taking all the evidence of the special moment
away.
I found it predictably difficult to meet any other women who shared my
interests. A year or so later I was seeing a very overweight girl who had
tried every slimming diet there was. I suggested hopefully to her that if
she made herself vomit after dinner each night, she would quickly lose
weight. She didn't like the idea, so I had to keep insisting on it, telling
her rather cruelly how fat she was.
[Will our humble narrator find lasting bliss with his tubby new friend?
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of this confession, supplied by
your dedicated moderator.]
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Post: 117
From: reive (quilted violets)
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 17:43:48 EDT
I was at a bar with some friends and one guy is like I gotta puke, so we
thought he would get up and go puke but he reaches across the table for my
empty glass and vomits neatly into it. Then he reaches for someone else's
glass and does the same. And then we all sorta sat there staring at it in
awe.
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Post: 124
From: lee96 (Lee96)
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 19:47:36 EDT
My old math teacher worked in an emergency room in San Francisco. He told
us that they had a guy come in who had lubed up a fluorescent light tube,
shoved it in his ass and of course the fucker burst, sending slivers deep
in his rectum. Of course his body also absorbed the gas contained in the
the tube . . . Duh!?! Does anyone know if the whole "gerbilism" thing is
for real or just urban myth? I always wondered about that one . . .
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Post: 131
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 01:43:17 EDT
I had a GF who was pogoing around her room w/ her walkman on full blast;
anyway, she really got into it then she felt something wet on her bare foot
and she looked around and saw that she had crushed the skull of her new
kitten and that the wet stuff was its brain on her foot.
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Post: 132
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 01:57:36 EDT
one night I went to the Tunnel (a first date) to see Karen Finley and she
stuffed canned yams up her ass and shit them out onto our table, well she
was done and there we were with our two free open bar drinks and a hot pile
of her yam shit on the table w/us
"Time to dance"
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Post: 134
From: charles (Charles Platt)
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 13:23:39 EDT
Does anyone have any tampon stories? Tampons interest me because they rouse
such mixed feelings in both males and females. No one seems entirely
comfortable with the idea of heavily blood-soaked tampons . . .
With one exception: cats love them. We have a cat which will dig a used
tampon out from under any amount of other bathroom trash. The cat then
thoroughly chews the tampon, presumably under the impression that it is a
helpless (bloody) woodland creature.
Since infants acquire the ability to eat meat long before they acquire
social inhibitions, it seems to me that a child of maybe 18 months would
happily suck on a used tampon, if it had the chance to do so.
Any first-hand experience in this area?
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Post: 135
From: reive (quilted violets)
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 13:31:59 EDT
A friend of mine told me that early in his residency he dealt with a woman
who was admitted to the hospital complaining of abdominal cramps. It turns
out she had been using tampons and no one told her they had to be removed
before inserting a new one. She had about 20 up there and this had been
going on for about a week, when she showed up at the emergency room.
And you believe in children as social experiment don't you Mr. Platt?
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Post: 140
From: reive (quilted violets)
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 14:51:52 EDT
My same doctor friend also once treated a woman who came in because of
vaginal itching; she was concerned she had an STD. Upon investigation he
found maggots nesting inside her. Apparently her BF like to insert food in
her and then eat it out. Unfortunately, he wasn't very thorough.
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Post: 141
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 15:03:24 EDT
Important Announcement
Following a high-level conference with one of the founders of MindVox, I
have been given the go-ahead to offer a special award which will be
reserved exclusively for participants here in the Fuck-You forum.
*The Golden Turd Award*
Once a month, this unique award will be given to the writer of the most
*offensive* post in each of three categories:
1. True Confession or Anecdote
2. Medical Description
3. Insult
You may be wondering what, exactly, the Golden Turd trophy will consist of.
Will it be a genuine human turd? In which case, how can it be golden? Will
it be a golden *replica* of a turd, or a plastic novelty that has been
painted gold, or just a picture of a turd, or some other second-rate
ripoff?
First let me assure you that the Golden Turd Award will *not, repeat not*
be a second-rate ripoff. The Golden Turd will be an item of lasting value,
lovingly packaged for display in a transparent acrylic case. More than this
I am reluctant to say. I would like the Golden Turd Award to have a
legendary, numinous, grail-like purity. I would cheapen it by describing it
in any more detail.
There have already been some highly memorable posts, here, and I can see
that the competition for this award is likely to be fierce. Therefore, in
each category there will also be two runners-up whose names will be
enshrined in a roll of honor in this forum.
I will be the judge of this contest, in consultation with the owners of
MindVox. Maybe this seems a bit high-handed, but since I'm the one who is
getting his hands dirty, so to speak, actually creating the Golden Turd
trophies, I figure I should have something to say about who wins them. And
if this arrangement doesn't meet with your approval--well, fuck you!
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Post: 157
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Fri, 06 May 94 21:07:05 EDT
"My Thing About Vomit" by Ralph T. Castle PART TWO: Fulfillment!
Finally she agreed to my plan, just once. This time I prepared properly for
the scene. I covered the kitchen table with a towel, and I set a large
white porcelain mixing bowl in the center. I draped another towel across my
girlfriend's large breasts, as a napkin. She looked as if she was about to
enjoy a feast--except that the bowl was empty, and in fact she was about to
PROVIDE the feast!
She tried to back out at the last minute, and it was I who had to touch the
back of her throat--an act which seemed just as erotic, to me, as pushing
my finger into a woman's vagina. While I tickled her throat with one hand,
I masturbated surreptitiously under the table with my other hand, and when
she finally threw up I came at almost the same moment, in a mutual rush of
juices that made me flinch and cry out, the spasms were so intense.
Luckily, she was too aware of her own discomfort to realize what was
happening to me. By the time she recovered herself and wiped away the
dribbles of vomit from her chin, I had mopped up the evidence of my orgasm
and was quickly clearing away the bowl of liquid. I had quietly
stage-managed her diet during that day, insisting that she ate a lot of
beets for dinner, and some rare roast beef--so that when the vomit came up,
it would be a very pretty purple-pink color.
That night, I waited for her to go to sleep, and then I crept out to the
kitchen and poured her vomit into a large glass jar. I brought the jar back
into our bedroom and stood it on the bedside table. It gave me a very
special guilty thrill to go to sleep beside her with that jar of her very
essence, captured and bottled, standing close by. I felt I had stolen away
something altogether more precious than any act of a normal sexual nature
would have given me.
Unfortunately she woke before I did and when she saw what I had done, she
was so disgusted she terminated our involvement immediately. It was all I
could do to stop her grabbing the jar of vomit and pouring it away. Later,
I confess I indulged in a very perverse act: I used some of the vomit as
lubricant on my hands, and masturbated with it. I remember how the white
come looked amid the sticky purplish vomit--which, by this time, was
actually beginning to turn brown, since I discovered vomit does not keep
for very long, even when refrigerated. It goes brown and starts smelling
very bad.
In the next few weeks I tried again to make myself vomit, now that I
realized how arousing the whole subject could be. But the act was as
physically painful as ever, and in any case it was a poor substitute
compared to what I had experienced with my girlfriend.
So I turned to prostitutes. Inevitably, they refused to have anything to do
with me, when I told them what I wanted. Their attitude was that they would
do various kind of perverted sex, if they were paid enough, but vomiting
was nothing to do with sex. It was plain disgusting, and they couldn't do
it no matter how much they were paid. Actually, I think it was simply that
any person, no matter how degenerate he or she is, needs to find someone
else in the world they can despise for being even more degenerate. And
that's why the prostitutes despised me rather than cooperate with what I
wanted.
Then I had a stroke of good fortune. By a complete fluke--a wrong number
phone call, in fact--I met a girl called Tina who had come to the city from
the Midwest, thinking she could get rich here. She had gotten very
disillusioned, had ended up selling encyclopedias door to door, had even
failed at that, and when I met her she was broke and hopeless, living in a
sleazy little apartment in a very bad neighborhood.
Tina turned out to be one of the least attractive women I had ever met.
When we talked on the phone she sounded sexy, but when I saw her I found
she had extremely bad acne, her face looked perpetually blank (her mouth
literally tended to hang half open), and she was incapable of keeping up
any sort of intelligent conversation.
My first impulse was to try and leave as tactfully as possible. However,
she mentioned that, in addition to all her other troubles, she had gotten
pregnant. One thing came into my head at this point: MORNING SICKNESS!
[Will our humble narrator enter into a blissful union with Tina, as she
pukes her guts out each morning? Stay tuned for the final "sick"
installment submitted for your edification by your humble moderator.]
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Post: 158
From: sheimp (SheImp)
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 02:29:23 EDT
I just got back from path lab, here are the fun things we played with: A
hand that was obscured by the basal cell carcinoma. Just the hand. In a
jar. It had been amputated.
A teratoma. What you get when your gonadal cells decide to go ape shit.
Basically a tumor with hair, and teeth, and skin and bone, but in no human-
like arrangement.
A leg (actually a couple of them) which had been amputated for various
reasons, mostly cancer. You could see the toenails and the skin.
Part of a nose and an eyeball that had to be cut out because of cancer. It
was still connected together. Not much left to the eyeball, the inside
jello-stuff was all gone.
The hand really was the creepiest, I kept wondering if the guy that it used
to belong to missed it. Or knew it was in a jar somewhere. The fingernails
were nicely cut, unfortunately he decided to let the big ol ulcerating
cancer hang around for 7 years or so.
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Post: 160
From: galt (Skenderbeg)
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 05:24:26 EDT
when I was in histology lab in undergrad, we had this jar of cut-up human
skin in formaldehyde. I noticed once that there were some greenish markings
on them so I removed them to examine. By the time I had finished, I had in
front of me a jigsaw puzzle made of human flesh depicting a really cool
Harley-Davidson tattoo.
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Post: 161
From: luke (Meddle)
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 09:49:43 EDT
My parents tell me a story of sneaking around the bio dept. at Yale in the
late sixties--my mom wanted to see a corpse and my dad had keys, so . . .
Anyway they're in the meat locker surrounded by your usual assortment of
Nasty Stuff (hands and feet and fetuses etc. in jars) and they are walking
around goggling at stuff when my dad trips over a big white bucket on the
floor which contains a human head which decided to spill out of the bucket
along with the gallon or two of preservant which coated the bottom of mom's
pant legs. Needless to say they ran like hell.
I can only guess that he did not take her to dinner afterwards.
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Post: 163
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 14:03:30 EDT
"My Thing About Vomit" by Ralph T. Castle PART THREE: The Thrill of Morning
Sickness
To my great excitement I learned that Tina was, in fact, suffering from
morning sickness, and since it had only recently started, she expected it
would go on for another couple of weeks. So I decided I had to spend that
night with her, even though I found her physically repulsive. She had no
objection--she seemed to have no will of her own, in fact, which excited
me, because it implied I might persuade her to vomit for me more than once.
I spent a very difficult night with her, and was only able to have sex by
closing my eyes and picturing what delights dawn would bring. Then I woke
in the morning and felt her slipping out of bed to go to the bathroom. I
ran after her, just in time to stop her closing the bathroom door. I
insisted she should vomit into the sink, not the toilet. She tried to
resist, but I just took charge, and she was too submissive and too overcome
by nausea to do much about it.
I managed to put the stopper into the drain while her stomach heaved, and
then, gloriously, all the juices flowed. There was not a lot, because most
of the food in her stomach had been digested and moved down into the
intestines during the night. However, to my eyes the liquid that did come
up had an almost golden color, and I marveled that it looked so attractive
to me, while she, the vessel from which the liquid flowed, was so ugly!
As soon as she had vomited I kissed her deeply and savored the bitter
taste. Then, wanting to see how far she would go, I asked her to suck my
cock. She agreed rather reluctantly, and kneeled down on the bathroom
floor. The idea of her mouth, wet with bile and stomach juices, around my
cock, was so erotic that I came almost immediately.
After my orgasm I asked her to leave me alone in the bathroom for a few
minutes. When she had gone, I locked the door. I then found a sponge,
soaked it in the vomit, and rubbed it all over my naked body. This brought
back my feelings of sexual arousal and within minutes I was masturbating to
another orgasm, wrapping the vomit-wet sponge around my cock as I came.
From then on I spent every night with Tina. She soon suspected that all I
really cared about were our morning sessions, but she was such a lonely
person she never refused me. After all, I was just about her only friend,
and I gave her money and brought food each time I visited her.
I, of course, was experiencing pure bliss. I told Tina that she had not
been eating enough, and she should have a midnight snack before she went to
bed each night. By this ruse, I was able to increase the volume of the
vomit that she produced each morning, and I was also able to alter its
color and taste, though not very predictably. One morning after she
vomited, I touched it with my finger and licked it, and it tasted so
special to me it seemed too good to waste. So I bottled that morning's
batch and insisted on cooking dinner that night--a beef stew, into which I
slipped at least a cup full of the vomit I had saved. Actually the culinary
experiment did not work very well; the result wasn't very nice. But the
idea of what I had done still delighted me. We were both consuming Tina's
essential juices, even though she didn't know it.
Her morning sickness ended soon after that, and she summoned enough courage
to refuse me when I hinted that she should force herself to continue
vomiting just for me.
So I left Tina, and for the past couple of years there has been no one
willing to satisfy my particular desires. This is a pity because there are
many more kinky things I would like to do. For instance, if I ever met a
woman who shared my fetish I would have her wear a small glass vial on a
thin gold chain around her neck, and in the vial would be a little sample
of her vomit, which we would renew each day. It would be like a window into
her inner workings, her essence. It would also be a very special and
exciting secret between us, as to what the liquid was.
Also I would like to experiment more with different diets to produce
different colors and textures of vomit, with different aromas and tastes.
And I would be interested in group-vomiting experiments. These are just a
few of the many topics which come to mind.
I do not know why I have this special obsession. I have no other special
needs, and my sex life is otherwise normal enough. I know I would dearly
love to meet anyone else who has a similar interest in this much
misunderstood subject, so that we could explore it together and satisfy
each other in the process.
[This text was originally published about 15 years ago. There is no
information on the fate of the author since then, so please, all you girls
looking for someone who'll really appreciate your puke, save your
energy--do not write to me asking for Mr. Castle's address and phone
number.]
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Post: 165
From: tice (ntice)
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 16:53:59 EDT
The stories of objects found up people's asses are entirely true. In my
short career I've seen coke bottles, cigar cases, extremely large dildos,
glasses and other assorted objects. We also had guy brought in one night
because he cut off his own testicles.
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Post: 166
From: andygee (the solution)
Date: Sat, 07 May 94 17:40:49 EDT
tice (ntice) writes:
>The stories of objects found up people's asses are entirely true . . . >We
also had guy brought in one night because he cut off his own >testicles.
sure, but did he shove them up his ass?
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Post: 171
From: nicki (me and slowdog)
Date: Sun, 08 May 94 10:09:59 EDT
Last night I projectile puked a mass of lobster bisque (the only thing I
had eaten that day; I had had it for breakfast). Mostly it was lobster
bisque but also there was one hot dog in it. Plus all the wine! It was
quite red. The puke, that is. Cause I had eaten only red things all day!!!
It was really cool, it looked like godzilla's radiation breath coming out
of me!!!! Whhhaaarggghh!!!!!
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Post: 186
From: charles (Charles Platt)
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 17:22:46 EDT
My friend (who wishes to be known as Allison) saw a couple of the posts in
this forum and spontaneously provided the following account:
"Guys won't think this is disgusting, but I was out one night and I had a
blazer on, and all night my tits were itching. It was a fancy, expensive
blazer, and it had a filling, between the face of the jacket and the
lining, made of some kind of thin fibers. And that was what really made my
boobs itch. At night, when I finally got home and was pretty drunk, I took
everything off and was trying to get to sleep on the couch. But my right
tit was still really itching, especially the nipple. So since I was drunk,
I was fumbling around in the dark, trying to find a light switch to see if
I had a rash or irritation. I turned on the light and I was in front of the
mirror and I saw that there was a black spot right in the middle of my
nipple, like a pinprick. So I touched the spot, and when I touched it, it
made me jump. It stung. I grabbed onto this thing, which I thought was a
piece of dirt, and one of these jacket fibers was slowly coming out from my
nipple, and it was a full inch long. And if this doesn't gross you out,
guys, just imagine it was in your penis."
--From Allison of Brooklyn
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Post: 187
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 18:06:19 EDT
I have just received email from tice, who promises to contribute a story
from her extensive medical experience, describing a man who removed _and_
ate his own eyeball. Sounds like a Golden Turd nominee to me.
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Post: 190
From: simonm (Jeff Smith)
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 20:24:36 EDT
It is perfectly possible to fuck with a tampon in, especially if you are
using juniors, as long as you don't insist on full penetration.
In fact, there's a kinda nice effect, since it absorbs some of the extra
lubrication . . . if you like that dry-fuck feeling . . .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 191
From: mrbass (Bill Bass)
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 20:39:09 EDT
I don't know about anyone here, but i think *I have the smelliest nasty
disgusting feet in the world.* shure, they smell and look great when they
are out of these boat shoes I have worn for years with no socks, but when
they are in there, whoooooo nellie, they *reek.*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 209
From: galt (Skenderbeg)
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 23:25:03 EDT
When I was in army advanced training in texas, some guys decided to have a
zit contest once. For a whole month, they picked a special zit somewhere on
their body and proceeded to succor and nurture it to full plenitude. The
guy who ended up winning had a special training routine. He would rub it
with baby oil throughout the day, and thump it lightly to irritate it and
spread the staph infection to multiple pores deep within the skin. The day
of the decision, the actual pus dome was about 2 mm across. The entire tip
of his nose was red. When he finally expressed the contents, the core of
the solidified pus and sebum flew about 1.25 meters. Later that day he
developed blood poisoning and was taken to the hospital. None of us ever
saw him again but we heard he had to have ost of the tip of his nose
amputated and replaced with cartilage from his ear.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 210
From: dsharp (david sharp)
Date: Mon, 09 May 94 23:32:37 EDT
ft. sam!
at ft. sam we had one "sgt bozo" (that was his name) who would check the
cleanliness of the toilets by running his bare finger under the inner top
rim of the bowl. if it came out brown he'd say "looks like shit." then he'd
smell it and say "smells like shit" then he'd stick his finger in his mouth
and say "tastes like shit. I HATE SHIT!!"
and write up whoever was responsible.
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Post: 214
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 03:54:46 EDT
Bass (deleted) writes:
>then my bud bran, the only gal present, just had to say "i've known >some
guys to like it on the rag"
Are you kidding? I love to eat menstrual blood, do it whenever I can, in
fact, on two different first dates.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 215
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 04:17:12 EDT
Years ago, I was a junkie, and I was shooting this "poison dope from Iran."
The story on the street was that The Ayatollah was poisoning the dope to
destroy American Youth (like Heroin wasn't enuff?) Anyway it was the best
stuff by far, but it was killing bunches of people every day . . . well I
didn't care I kept shooting it and getting abscesses all over my arms
really big ones.
I used to pop the scabs and shoot pus across the room, ounces of it. To try
and clean it up I squirted whole tubes of A&D ointment into them and then
squirted this out too; squirting was effected by bending the arm and making
a muscle, it would squirt right from the fold. There was lots and lots of
brownish, greenish, yellowish pus. and on my wrist it had eaten into my
flesh and the vein so that i could just pick off the scab and shoot into
the broken end of the vein w/o a needle, just the syringe barrel.
I didn't mind this so much, then.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 216
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 10:08:14 EDT
I suppose I should contribute my experience at the Bizarre Theater. This
was a one-time coat-hangar factory which used to be located on West 19th
Street in Manhattan. The management presented it as an S&M club, although
they hadn't changed the decor at all--the ceiling was of tin plate, there
were pipes and dangling conduits, and everything was ancient and filthy.
As I arrived, an aging dominatrix was on an improvised stage, with rolls of
fat bulging out of a gold lame corset. She was beating up a cringing
middle-aged black man, using a wire brush to open up a gash on his buttocks
which started bleeding freely. He had a dildo strapped into his mouth and
Christmas baubles tied around his penis. His scrotum was lassoed with a
rope which ran to a noose around his neck, forcing him to hunch forward
with his chin near his balls. The dominatrix then dripped hot wax into the
bloody wound she had created, made another wound and poured alcohol into
that, then used a lash to remove the congealed wax, made the man lie in his
back with his feet in the air, and beat the soles of his feet with a heavy
cane.
A man in the audience suddenly jumped up and ran to the toilet, which was a
small cubicle separated from the audience area by a thin plywood partition.
We could clearly hear him puking. "He can's stand the sight of blood,"
muttered the woman who was with him. She too turned out to be a dominatrix
(I talked to her after the show) but she was disgusted by the spectacle on
stage, since she preferred to dominate her slave with greater finesse. "For
instance," she told me, "when I use a dildo in a scene, I ALWAYS put a
rubber on it first."
Meanwhile the woman on stage had finished with her male slave, and started
with a meek young woman. She made her lie down and masturbate, but told her
not to reach orgasm, "because you don't have orgasms. You're a girl. You
disgust me." The dominatrix then straddled the young woman, spat in her
face, and pissed all over her.
All this time, there was music playing in the background--a compilation of
Beatles favorites. During the urination, I seem to remember that Paul
McCartney was warbling about "Michelle, ma belle."
Finally, the female slave was told to mop up the puddles of urine on stage
by sitting in them. "But it's not just urine, it's blood as well," she
complained. "Shut up and mop it with your ass, whatever it is," she was
told.
The Bizarre Theater didn't stay in business long, probably because it made
too many people puke. But I must admit, I treasure the memory of my visit.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 221
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 16:05:42 EDT
felcher (Jim Felcher) writes:
>I'd just like to thank galt and speed for their fine posts about
>festering sores. It's text like this that lightens the humdrum load of
>everyday life.
>speed, would you say that your experience was typical of many >junkies?
No, although I can tell you of two other stories that leap to mind there
was a guy who went to my methadone clinic (we called him Joe Namath) who
had both hands permanently blown up to the size and shape of footballs. He
could use them though, but they were huge, I do not exaggerate
Also there was a dope hotel on 125th street, where you had to show tracks
and pay a dollar to get in. They were always suspicious of me cause I was
white and they thought I was a cop a lot, till they saw my abscesses then
they'd say step right in. Anyway there was this guy in a room, I used to
sit there with him for a long time, he'd keep you there cause of the
company. He couldn't walk at all, his two feet were the shape and color and
texture of old tree trunks and they used to run w/ pus and fluid where
they'd crack open.
This man had never seen a doctor I'm sure any M.D. would've lopped those
things off in a second. Instead he'd just wipe 'em down a bit w/alcohol and
half-assedly wrap 'em in gauze. He had all these lackeys who'd do all his
running around for him. His dope gave him the power he needed to sustain an
immobile lifestyle. when I say immobile, I mean that in all the months,
maybe years I went there I never saw him in any position but one, propped
on the edge of the bed in front of a b&w tv which was always on.
Me, I watched tv too.
I think the main thing that makes my story atypical is that I'm tellin' it
13 years later
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 223
From: gorelord (Euronymous)
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 18:34:31 EDT
Something what happened in my bio lab. We had to dissect a fetal pig to
study their fascinating immature organs inside their pale-yellow corpses.
We did the whole thing of a tray to which the body is attached with steel
pins as we carved up its interior. So one guy walks with his tray and
someone pushes him. He manages to keep the tray with the skin still
attached to it but all insides fall out in a shower of really stinky
preservatives. People around jumped and jerked away stepping all over
scattered innards making a nice, greenish mess on the floor, someone had to
remove brains from his sneaker afterwards.
I don't remember if fetal intestines were ever found,
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 230
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 21:26:05 EDT
When I was a volunteer with the Stuyvesant First Aid Squad we got one call
for "major injuries." EMS wouldn't extrapolate further but we raced to the
call to find a lady bleeding all over the place who had tried to abort her
fetus with a Dustbuster Plus. It worked!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 233
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 22:05:08 EDT
A friend of mine, a female zoophile, once had to call the local First Aid
Squad when she was in the house alone and was "tied" to her dog. The
tightness of her vagina wouldn't allow the blood to flow out of her dog's
cock so his bulb wouldn't go down (those of you currently clueless go check
out a canine anatomy book). They had no idea what to do. They eventually
called a vet and the dog was sedated. She never faced any legal problems
(not illegal in Colorado [where she lived]) but she had to move 'cuz all
her neighbors found out.
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Post: 237
From: hotstuff (sexy)
Date: Tue, 10 May 94 23:00:01 EDT
Anyone ever play "cheese and crackers". When I was growing up, a bunch of
us (guys) got together to play "cheese and crackers". The object of the
game is to jerk off and come on a saltine cracker, and the last one to get
off *has to eat all the other crackers! *
We usually held them down, and force fed them! . . . So the next time you
are at a bachelor party, you now know a new game to play! Keep me posted .
. .
See ya!
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Post: 242
From: sheimp (SheImp)
Date: Wed, 11 May 94 01:45:55 EDT
The worst thing i've seen so far in clinic was just two weeks ago. There
was this kid who had this weird blood disorder. But his main problem at the
moment was this raging skin infection on the tops of both feet and
extending up his legs. Not just your run of the mill infection, but deep,
deep cellulitis, way deeep. It was all oozing and ulcerating and gunky (the
prob was it wouldn't heal). Had been that way for months. But the thing
that got me was that the dr needed to unwrap the bandages. The guy didn't
look too happy about it even tho he was on like 3 morphine like drugs. When
she pulled the wraps off . . . .his _skin came peeling off_. She kept
pulling and pulling and it kept coming off and coming off . . . I really
felt rather warm at the time. Didn't help that the guy was yelping either.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 244
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
Date: Wed, 11 May 94 02:04:47 EDT
Once, in bio lab I had this experiment w/fertilized chicken eggs. Every day
during their 28(?) day gestation period, I would crack one open, keep it
alive as long as I could in a saline solution while giving it different
drugs and noting the effects on its heartbeat. This was psycho enough. But
I decided to steal one and take it home, it was in the 20- something day
area and I thought I could keep it warm for a few days and hatch it. so I
stuck it in my coat pocket and took it home on the Fordham Road Crosstown
bus. Anyway, that bus gets really crowded, and the egg got crushed in my
pocket, and I had a prematurely born chick struggling in my pocket in a
mess of egg gook and of course I couldn't just take it out on a packed bus,
so . . . It died, I threw it in a trash can when I got off the bus, and my
favorite fuckin' coat stunk like a burnt skunk. Still wore it, though.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 265
From: galt (Skenderbeg)
Date: Fri, 13 May 94 17:53:28 EDT
I think it's cool whenever you can get food to come out of your nose. Even
though I had nine months of medical gross anatomy, the fact that the nasal
and oral passages are connected seems really cool and mysterious to me, so
I'm always glad whenever I prove that mine are thus situated. Of course
it's a bittersweet victory, because my stomach acids are usually eating
away the mucosa lining my nasal passages whenever this happens.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 269
From: mcaff (Duuude!)
Date: Fri, 13 May 94 21:24:06 EDT
This past weekend I saw a guy with full body herpes. To compliment this he
had been lying in his own urine and feces for two or three days and had
vomited on himself. The smell wasn't too bad, you could only smell him from
50 feet away.
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Post: 270
From: mcaff (Duuude!)
Date: Fri, 13 May 94 21:27:55 EDT
This weekend I also saw a guy who had been hit in the head with a meat
cleaver. He was hit once on the left side of his face splitting it from the
corner of his mouth to an inch or so beyond his left ear. He was also hit
on the top of his head splitting for about six inches. You could see where
his skull was split in both places but you couldn't see his brain because
it was too dark. Maybe he didn't have a brain because apparently it was a
friend of his who did this.
I guess you could say he needs a friend like that like he needs a hole in
his head.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 275
From: geekus (NO CAREER)
Date: Sat, 14 May 94 12:08:09 EDT
i never did get around to seeing karen finley in her prime. a question
about her technique: was it mostly her hand _pushing the yam up her ass_,
or did her sphincter play a more active role, _pulling the yam up her ass
_(kind of like a horse eating a carrot)?
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Post: 276
From: locutus (Death Incarnate)
Date: Sat, 14 May 94 12:11:07 EDT
Dissection stories are kewl! A few weeks ago my class had to dissect sheep
eyes, one kid came around the room after we were done and collected all the
lenses (the roundish clear thing that got kinda cloudy from the
preservatives) He intended to give them to friends, telling them they were
gummy candies . . . . I never did find out if he really did . . . .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 279
From: speed (Crucial Taunt)
Date: Sun, 15 May 94 02:46:41 EDT
geekus (NO CAREER) writes:
>i never did get around to seeing karen finley in her prime. a >question
about her technique: was it mostly her hand _pushing
>the yam up her ass_...
mostly pushing, from where I sat, but I admit, if her ass _was_ chewing, I
might have missed that detail. She didn't really come up close till it was
time to shit it out, which she did in long, steady, forceful, pushes. A
detail I left out of my original post was that my date seemed to think that
I set this up, or at least knew it would happen, and seemed to think that
this was a hint of what might be expected of her should we go home
together. We didn't.
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Post: 285
From: molbloo (mango tango)
Date: Sun, 15 May 94 22:13:22 EDT
I've recently developed this weird rash, or these hives, or whatever you
wanna call it, all over my chin and my mouth and my cheeks and my neck. and
my back. It's pretty cool, because it makes my skin all puffy and red and
shiny and kinda bubbly. (I have all of these blackhead scars. wow . . . ).
So I'm in the process of drying up this rash by mixing up a nice
baking-soda-and- water-paste and applying it over the affected areas. It
stings like hell, but pretty soon,it'll dry it up enough so that it'll get
all nice and oozy. Wow. To think that my skin is going to drip watery pus
in a few days! And, best yet, it'll crust-over and crack. This, of curse,
thrills me to no end. Right.
Moral of the story--when you buy fruit, wash it really really well. Or buy
only organic stuff. I have some weird reaction most likely to some
pesticide on some fruit or something I ate a few days ago.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 297
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
Date: Wed, 18 May 94 15:58:03 EDT
A year ago, while working for the NYTransPD, I was standing around on the
Park Place 2/3 platform and just as the 3 Uptown came ripping into the
station, some homeless looking black guy decides it's a good day to die and
goes sui. Well, being on the scene, the report and everything else coming
with was my responsibility, this included cleaning up the mess. Usually,
someone from uptown medical comes down and tries to identify all the little
parts as we put them in ziploc baggies but the miscellaneous sludge left
over (usually found boiling on the third rail or stuck to the front of the
train) goes in one big black bag labeled "mashed potatoes." Some guy got in
trouble once 'cause he chucked an eyeball in there. The Sgt. said "That's
identifiable! Take that out!" Hehehe . . .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 306
From: miked (miked)
Date: Thu, 19 May 94 19:10:54 EDT
Residents and interns have great stories. I'm not one, but I spent time
with two of them. On site, two stories (both true):
Seattle man with diabetes and a glass eye and not a homeowner comes in with
an itch under his glass eye. The resident pops it out. Maggots spill forth.
Resident isn't too worried, because after all maggots are a medical marvel.
They only eat necrotic flesh. Used on burn victims at hospitals that are
paragons of Western Medicine. Still, it was disconcerting, and smelly, and
the thought of dead flesh in an eye socket cannot be good news for anybody.
Construction worker falls from third story of San Diego skyscraper in
progress. Lands on a re-bar pole. Impaled. Flails around, trying to upright
himself. Like a beetle on a needle. Coworkers barf into lunch pails. EMS
hacksaws the steel cable and ambulance transports him to the hospital. By
now his face is swollen, two black eyes, lots of internal bleeding, you
know, and he's plugged up. Bruises result. "Don't let my girlfriend see my
like this." Vanity never dies. Doctors are ready to do something. But
they're residents. Not doctors! Not yet, at least! "I don't know," Resident
replies, failing his final exam. Turns out the re-bar missed his vitals,
and the guy got well, practically good as new, but his GF never got to see
him till the minor bruises subsided.
Oh, and 2 more, a colostomy and cast iron frying pan to the head stories
may follow. If things pick up. And the dart in the head, which sounds
better than it is.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 321
From: eponine (Jesus in Trunk)
Date: Fri, 20 May 94 22:48:04 EDT
a guy at work told me this story he had heard about a man who took a turkey
baster, filled it with beer, and inserted it into the anus of a woman, who
after a while, said, "That's enough." Now, as he said, how did she know
that that was the stopping point? i mean, he's shoving beer up her ass? is
there an acceptable limit for that???
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 322
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
Date: Sat, 21 May 94 00:12:52 EDT
eponine (Jesus in Trunk) writes:
>a guy at work told me this story he had heard about a man who >took a
turkey baster, filled it with beer, and inserted it into the anus >of a
woman, who after a while, said, "That's enough."
It's hard to tell what the limit is for alcohol consumption. My guess is
that she knew she'd better take it easy on the beer lest she get too tipsy
and do something crazy.
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Post: 338
From: sheimp (SheImp)
Date: Sun, 22 May 94 15:56:31 EDT
when i was in college i used to work in the food services. anyway there was
this guy there who was kinda quiet, kinda mean, we used to give him a hard
time. This new guy started working there and he and the mean guy didn't hit
it off so well. Any way they got into this fight and the mean guy grabbed
the other guy and threw him in to the steam table (like a big table with a
recess all full of boiling water) and *held him there* until the other ppl
pulled him off. Needless to say the guy was really messed up, his skin was
like hanging off him, it was like melted or something, all floppy.
The really sad thing was the burned guy was the brother of my boss's
friend, she felt pretty bad about the whole thing, seeing as she had gotten
him the job.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 374
From: kieran (Francis Urquhart)
Date: Wed, 25 May 94 17:42:01 EDT
Re: drinking one's own urine.
Yup--tried it. Albeit accidentally. "How the fuck did you manage that?" I
hear you cry. Simple. Once upon a time I was young and could actually
(just) perform fellatio upon myself. Much to my dismay, though, I
discovered that rubbing my tongue over the top of my bell end made me pee
instead of ejaculate. And it was hard to stop. So rather than flood the
living-room floor with urine, I swallowed about 2 mouthfuls. It wasn't nice
. . . This little tale is the honest truth. I just wish it wasn't . . . .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 376
From: miked (miked)
Date: Wed, 25 May 94 18:30:25 EDT
A person comes into Bellevue. A junkie. Has massive abscesses, most of them
treated and covered. Has a lower colon thing and has to get the lower colon
removed. This person owns a townhouse on the upper east side, but doesn't
live in it. Has no income but rental. And so, no health insurance.
This person is online on a west coast provider, tho this person is an east
coast inhabitant. Experienced great fame in the late 70s. Many will
recognize the name.
Person's colostomy is a success. Person returns to Bellevue at a later
date, like 7 months, complaining of fever and redness. Oh, Holy Shit!
Gonorrhea in the colostomy hole!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 381
From: speed (rated "R")
Date: Fri, 27 May 94 13:30:33 EDT
Go into a restaurant, go into the bathroom, Take down the soap dispenser,
empty it into the sink, piss into it, filling it up.
Turn it over quickly, replacing the dispenser now filled w/ your urine.
(nice color, looks like that soap)
Rinse the soap out of the sink, using it to clean your hands (important
step)
leave bathroom, sit in a booth where you can watch ppl going in and out.
Order a burger, fries and coke and enjoy. Now *that's a urine burn!*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 407
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
Date: Wed, 01 Jun 94 22:36:59 EDT
Just for those who were wondering, it's entirely possible for a male to
come up as pregnant on some preliminary tests. Some preliminary pregnancy
diagnoses are made based on the presence of certain ketones in the urine in
conjunction with other certain ion concentrations. I have seen males with
their very own urine told that they might be pregnant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 415
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Sun, 05 Jun 94 11:46:50 EDT
*Golden Turd Winners*
In post 141, on May 6, I announced the Golden Turd Awards, to be given in
three categories:
1. True Confession or Anecdote
2. Medical Description
3. Insult
Well, it's been a grueling process reading more than 400 posts to pick a
winner in each category. But the job is now done, and here are my choices.
Most of you won't agree with me, but since I was deranged enough to go
through the odious hassle of creating the actual Turd Trophies, I think I
should give them to whoever I want. Whether the winners will be willing to
ACCEPT their trophies remains to be seen. But anyway:
Most offensive true confession or anecdote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post 65, by mdreyfus
First runner-up:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post 209, by galt
Second runner-up:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post 99, by gunfury
Most offensive medical description:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post 215, by speed
First runner-up:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post 242, by sheimp
Second runner-up:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post 376, by miked
Most offensive insult:
Interest died out after just a few posts. Consequently, there will be no
awards in this category.
I realize that mdreyfus may not be a popular winner, since several people
have named him in their .kill files. But look at it this way: if he can
offend people even here in the Fuck-You forum, doesn't this count in his
favor? Offensiveness, after all, should not just be skin deep. It should
permeate the person like body odor and ooze out of him like warm yellow
pus.
For my money, mdreyfus's description of his dog licking shit from between
his buttocks is a winner not just because the act itself is disgusting, but
because the way in which mdreyfus described himself enjoying it is also
disgusting. Here we have a disgusting anecdote, told disgustingly, by a
seemingly disgusting person. Who could ask for more?
Having said this, I must emphasize that galt's description of a pimple-
cultivation contest was a very close second. Indeed it ranks as one of my
all- time favorites in nauseating stories. And gunfury's touching
reminiscence of youthful sexual/scatalogical indulgences is a classic of
its kind.
Turning to the medical arena, once again I felt it was right for the Golden
Turd to go to someone who didn't just describe something disgusting, but
actually i *lived* it. Thank you, speed, for sharing this revolting
experience, and congratulations on surviving it.
Thanks also to sheimp for her highly memorable post about peeling off a
person's skin. We have only just begun to tap the rich fund of case
histories which medical professionals have at their disposal (I'm still
waiting for ntice to tell us about the mental patient who pulled out his
own eyeball and ate it--I do hope she'll have an opportunity to relate this
in detail sometime soon).
As for the man with gonorrhea in his colostomy hole: I recently heard this
anecdote from an entirely different source, and I now suspect that it's
apocryphal. Still, it deserves a mention purely for its originality. In
these decadent times, it's hard to find a truly new perversion. Thank you,
miked, for passing this on.
Now, who gets what? The winners will receive their promised golden turds.
Either send me your mailing address, or make arrangements to collect your
trophies from me in person, in midtown Manhattan. I will not describe the
trophies in great detail at this time, except to say that they are properly
encapsulated, safe to handle, lovely to look at, and reasonably sterile. In
a future post, I'll go into the details of how I obtained and processed the
Golden Turds. Heavy duty rubber gloves and a strong stomach were both
required, and I must admit the exercise was so nauseating, I doubt that
I'll be subjecting myself to it again for quite a while . . . I mean I'm
Each winner will also receive a metal commemorative button, and there are
buttons also for the runners-up. Each button is emblazoned with the
message:
[YOUR NAME HERE]
Golden Turd Award, May 1994
Finalist
Fuck-You Forum, MindVox, New York
Just the thing to wear at those formal social events! Once again, I require
mailing addresses to distribute these valuable collectors' items. Or you
can make arrangements to pick them up from me in person.
Okay, so much for all that. Now let's get back to the serious business of
plumbing the depths of human behavior, shall we? Two things that caught my
interest recently are compulsive bed wetting among adults, and drooling
while under the influence of drugs. I have experiences of my own in these
areas, but before I describe them, does anyone else have a story to
contribute?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 418
From: speed (rated "R")
Date: Mon, 06 Jun 94 00:46:20 EDT
Of course I accept my award!
I'd like to thank my parents for being so fucked up, and all my grand
parents and their parents.
I'd also like to thank Jesus Christ.
If I didn't grow up hearing that gross story of his over and over at school
I probably wouldn't be the gross son of god that I am today.
Please send me my turd.
I am *very proud!*
thank you all, *kiss* *kiss*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 419
From: speed (rated "R")
Date: Mon, 06 Jun 94 01:00:09 EDT
Well, now I suppose is not a time to slack off. Not the grossest story but.
. . .there was a request. . . . Aside from being covered in the usual drool
(which seems to be more plentiful in the opiate addict), I had a routine I
worked up back in those days.
I was on welfare at the time and they used to call me in every once in a
while to try and get me work.
Well, before I went in I'd buy a box of cherry cough drops, which I'd suck
on while staring into the fluorescent lights, muttering, outbursting, and
swatting at my head and the air around it. This never deterred them from
calling my name and asking me lots of questions which I'd sorta answer
between nods. Anyway, they'd always leave me at their desk and go off to
find a job or some paper work and when they did I'd lay my head down on
their desk in a pretend nod, and drool out a cup or two of saliva which I'd
worked up and had kept pooled in my mouth.
I'd just open my mouth and pour out this thick, viscous, bright red (from
the cough drops) stream of spittle all across their desk making sure to
fuck up my and as much other paper work as I could.
Needless to say they'd come back horrified, shouting and I'd "wake up" with
a jolt spreading it a round even worse.
They'd be so pissed off, this would get me a quick "unemployable" rating;
they'd trash my soggy paperwork, and give me a quick bum's rush.
Within the hour I'd be home shooting up and drooling for real, mostly
Vanilla Haagen-Dazs Drool.
(That's all I'd eat. It tasted good going down and coming back up. Ya see,
I puked a few times a day for years.)
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Post: 430
From: deckard (Cosmic Slop)
Date: Mon, 06 Jun 94 23:40:06 EDT
I've been having real foot problems . . . It started with athletes foot,
but then they got so damn itchy that i would spend at least 20 minutes just
feeling the pure bliss of itching them to death. I would pick all the dead
white skin off and then my toes would get all gooshy, as I guess pus or
something came out. It felt great, but when I would wake up they would
kill. Luckily I've been able to control myself, and my feet are near
healing. This however can't compare to the time two summers ago when I had
plantars warts on my feet. Ewwww.
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Post: 435
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 19:46:37 EDT
All right, all right, enough of this tame athlete's foot stuff. What I
would like to know is whether anyone on this forum has pissed in his bed,
in his sleep, as an adult, involuntarily. I suspect this may be more common
than people admit. I've certainly done it. After a prolonged bout of beer
drinking I passed out and an hour or two later I dreamed I was standing in
front of a great big beautiful urinal. The temptation to piss was almost
unbearable. I knew, somehow, it would NOT be a good idea, but I didn't know
why. And so--I gave in to temptation. God it felt good! Until of course I
woke up about 30 seconds later to find myself lying in my own piss. The
woman sleeping next to me was quite surprised.
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Post: 436
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 19:55:44 EDT
I've almost done it, been on the edge, pissed just enough to send a little
trickle down the side of my leg. I've always woken up and run to the
bathroom squeezing my dick so as not to dribble all over the place. I've
yet to totally hose my bed down tho'.
On a related topic, any urophiles out there? I know someone heavily into
scat but no real piss mongers . . . except for one guy actually now that I
think about it. He couldn't tell me why he likes people pissing down his
throat, he just does (shrug).
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Post: 437
From: kieran (Classiest Snarf)
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 20:17:56 EDT
Once in college I passed out shit-drunk on a friend's bed. When I came to,
her roommate gave me some water to drink, but then I passed out again and
spilled the glass. Then my friend came in with some guy she was planning to
fuck, and I just slurred something and walked out. They _thought_ I had
pissed on her bed, and she didn't have any other sheets to change her bed.
Kind of put a damper on the evening for her, but I was happy since the guy
was an asshole.
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Post: 438
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 20:21:54 EDT
From the US Army Special Forces Medical Handbook, ST 31-91B, Chapter 22
"Primitive Medicine," Section 3: "Maggot Therapy for Wound Debridement."
22-3. Maggot Therapy for Wound Debridement.
a. Introducing maggots into a wound can be hazardous because the wound must
be exposed to flies. Flies, because of their filthy habits, are likely to
introduce bacteria into the wound, causing additional complications.
Maggots will also invade live, healthy tissue when the dead tissue is gone
or not readily available. Maggot invasion of healthy tissue causes extreme
pain and hemorrhage, possibly severe enough to be fatal.
b. Despite the hazards involved, maggot therapy should be considered a
viable alternative when, in the absence of antibiotics, a wound becomes
severely infected, does not heal, and ordinary debridement is impossible.
(1) All bandages should be removed so that the wound is exposed to
circulating flies. Flies are attracted to foul or fetid odors coming from
the infected wound; they will not deposit eggs on fresh, clean wounds.
(2) In order to limit further contamination of the wound by disease
organisms carried by the flies, those flies attracted to the wound should
not be permitted to light directly on the wound surface. Instead, their
activity should be restricted to the intact skin surface along the edge of
the wound. Live maggots deposited here and/or maggots hatching from eggs
deposited here will find their way into the wound with less additional
contamination than if the flies were allowed free access to the wound.
(3) One exposure to the flies is usually all that is necessary to insure
_more_ than enough maggots for thorough debridement of a wound. Therefore,
after the flies have deposited eggs, the wound should be covered with a
bandage.
(4) The bandages should be removed daily to check for maggots. If no
maggots are observed in the wound within 2 days after exposure to the
flies, the bandage should be removed and the wound should be re-exposed. If
the wound is found to be teeming with maggots when the bandage is removed,
as many as possible should be removed using forceps or some other
sterilized instrument or by flushing with sterile water. Only 50-100
maggots should be allowed to remain in the wound.
(5) Once the maggots have become established in the wound, it should be
covered with a bandage again, but the maggot activity should be monitored
closely each day. A frothy fluid produced by the maggots will make it
difficult to see them. This fluid should be "sponged out" of the wound with
an absorbent cloth so that all of the maggots in the wound can be seen.
Care should be taken not to remove the maggots with the fluid.
(6) The period of time necessary for maggot debridement of a wound depends
on a number of factors, including the depth and extent of the wound, the
part of the body affected, the number of maggots present in the wound, and
the fly species involved. In a survival situation, an individual will be
able to control only one of these factors--the number, and sometimes not
even that; therefore, the exact time to remove the maggots cannot be given
in specific numbers of hours or days. However, it can be said with
certainty that the maggots should be removed immediately once they have
removed all the dead tissue and _before_ they have become established in
healthy tissue. When the maggots begin feeding on normal, healthy tissue,
the individual will experience an increased level of pain at the site of
the wound as the maggots come into contact with "live" nerves. Bright red
blood in the wound also indicates that the maggots have reached healthy
tissue.
(7) The maggots should be removed by flushing the wound repeatedly with
sterile water. Flushing the wound with fresh human urine may also be
considered, as the high content of salt and urea is a fairly effective
antiseptic. However, flushing the wound with urine _must_ be followed with
sterile water. Though urine is sterile and antiseptic when it leaves the
body, it rapidly becomes quite the opposite as it breaks down chemically.
When all the maggots have been removed, the wound should be bandaged. To
insure that the wound is free of maggots, check it every 4 hours or more
often for several days. Any remaining maggots should be removed with
sterilized forceps or by flushing with sterile water.
(8) Once all of the maggots have been removed, bandage the wound and treat
it as any other wound. It should heal normally provided there are no
further complications.
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Post: 440
From: gunfury (sp00nMaN)
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 21:05:47 EDT
(sung to the tune of "The Candyman" a' la Sammy Davis Jr.)
Get a brand new bike,
take off the seat,
put yer girlfriend on it, send her down a bumpy street
The S&M Mannnnnnnnnnnn. . . .
Cause he mixes it with cum and makes the world taste good!
Get a newborn baby,
Put 'em on yer bed,
Get yer dick up hard and fuck the soft spot in its head
The S&M Mannnnnnnnnnnn. . . .
Cause he mixes it with sperm to make the world taste good!
(u get the idea ;)
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Post: 441
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 21:21:04 EDT
Who can take a baby
spread apart its thighs
fuck it in the ass until the shit comes out its eyes The S&M man. . . .
Who can take two ice picks
stick 'em in her ears
ride her like a Harley as you mount her from the rear the S&M man. . . .
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Post: 443
From: gunfury (sp00nMaN)
Date: Tue, 07 Jun 94 21:23:10 EDT
I haven't wet the bed in a long, long time. But I do remember clearly what
it felt like as a child. Usually I would be dreaming I was flying around in
a room, all by myself . . . just as free as can be . . . floating on a
fluffy cloud of air . . . not a care in the world.
Oh shit! I just pissed all over myself ;) It's not as great a feeling
though as that ever-popular *wet dream*. I loved those. It wasn't all cum,
it was cum with a subtle hint of piss too. It stained many a good pair of
underwear, but well worth the inquisition afterwards, "GunFury, Where did
all your Fruit of the Loom (tm) go dear?"
"Ah, I don't know ma!"
We all know where they went boys 'n girls. Under the neighbors back porch
in a plastic baggie (I wonder if they are still there?).
A friend who is now 25, still has wet dreams. I hate him for that. I
haven't had one since I was 12. I think he has them now because of that
terrible happance of D.S.B.
Dreaded Sperm Build-up
The theory behind this is that you go without ejaculating for a period of
time so that yer spermatozoa eventually comes out without sexual
intercourse or, ehem, manual stimulation.
Impossible! I can't go even a few hours without one, or the other, or both.
. . .
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Post: 452
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
Date: Wed, 08 Jun 94 13:47:10 EDT
As close as I ever came to incest was when I was a kid, around 10-15, not
sure where in that range . . . but when I was a kid, my brother and I used
to hump against each other. I don't know if we ever got off on it, or if
there was penetration of any sort, but I know we used to do it like every
night until we discovered jerking off.
"Kay, why is the bed shaking?"
"I've got an itch on my leg." (We had bunk beds . . . and I had lots of
itches)
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Post: 453
From: speed (rated "R")
Date: Wed, 08 Jun 94 15:59:05 EDT
I pissed on my self during blackouts but I was never in bed. I once woke up
on the street outside my building with a piece of melted ice cream cake
next to my head and lying in my own piss. Lost about 18 hrs to 181 proof
rum that night.
I once puked in a woman's loft bed, she went out to drink more, I wanted a
few minutes lie down, puked the min she left. What really sucked was that
she was with this woman I thought was really cool and who I wanted to hit
on. Here I was feeling really great now (having puked) but I couldn't go to
the bar (nothing to wear but puke covered clothes). I went to sleep, the
first woman came home so shit faced she didn't know about the puke in the
bed until the next morning when we were fucking, she says "What's that
horrible smell?" I liked her, she got really pissed, *really* pissed. But
she didn't stop fucking me. I liked her a lot.
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Post: 458
From: mitsc (Mitch)
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 14:33:08 EDT
I have several stories that would find a nice home here, but alas, so
little time (I am supposed to be working!). The urination subject brings
two stories to mind, the second I'll post at a later time.
Several times over my life I've been in such a deep sleep that I've ended
up peeing in bed. I never had a bed wetting problem (that was my younger
brother) but it has happened. It's such a strange occurrence, and I can't
believe it has not happened to more people. I find myself in a dream, and
in the dream I have to pee real bad. I can remember going in the dream, and
wake up soaked! Just such a thing happened last summer.I was sleeping at my
cousin's house upstate. Yes, that's right, it wasn't even my own bed.
Anyway, I sleep real deep up there, you know, it being real quiet as
opposed to the city. We had been partying pretty hard the night before and
went to sleep with my fiance about three AM. Yes, I wasn't even alone. I
remember having a really deep dream, and actually going to a bathroom and
standing at a urinal in the dream. At this point I woke up and began
praying to myself that it didn't happen. Well, it did. I mean a lot. You
never realize how much you can actually pee until you do it in a bed. I
began panicking. What the was I going to do. So far I had been slightly
lucky. Somehow my betrothed had not woken up yet. Even though it was a
single bed we had been sleeping at opposite ends of it. The adrenaline
started coursing through my body. What was I going to do?!? And then it hit
me. Maybe it could work. A cover up! But how? I went to the kitchen, opened
up the fridge. Yes! My cousin had orange juice!! I found the largest glass
they had, and filled it to the top. I carried it into the bedroom got back
into the soaken bed (yuch!) and poured the whole glass over myself and
screamed "Shit!". With that my fiancee woke up, startled I might add, and
asked what was wrong, and "how did we get all wet?" I explained that I had
been very thirsty from being drunk the night before and had gotten up to
get something to drink. When I got into bed I had "slipped" and the glass
spilled. She bought it! I never realized it, but O.J. really can cover up
the smell of piss!
By this time the rest of the house was waking up (it was about 8:00 AM) and
my cousin and his wife came into to the room to find out what had happened.
Nobody could figure out what made me puke when the dog started licking the
bed!
My fiancee and I are now married, and to his day she still doesn't know the
real truth, nor will she ever. At least until, god forbid, it happens
again!
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Post: 464
From: charles (Charles Platt)
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 19:06:16 EDT
A long time ago, I wrote a story in which a person eats excrement. At the
time, I asked my friends if anyone knew what shit tastes like. No one could
tell me (several of them were offended that I should imagine they might
know). Back then, there was no Fuck-You forum to turn to, so I just had to
fake it. But now that this resource exists, I'm hoping someone can finally
clear up this mystery for me.
What *does* shit taste like?
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Post: 465
From: sorel (oooh)
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 19:13:38 EDT
i can't speak from personal experience. but this is from "The Leatherman's
Handbook", ed. Larry Townsend:
Another friend, who occasionally delves into the scat scene, told me:
"Sure, shit stinks. There's no way to deny that, but once you get past the
smell it isn't all that bad. If you eat it, it tastes just like whatever
the guy has eaten, except that it has a burned flavor to it."
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Post: 467
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 19:13:38 EDT
Just a quick note to confirm that mdreyfus's golden turd went out to him
this morning via the US Postal Service, and commemorative buttons for the
runners-up were also mailed. Sorry for the delay.
Speed, I still have your trophy. It doesn't seem to be visibly
deteriorating, but you never know, if you wait too long, anything might
happen. Suggest you make arrangements to collect it ASAP so that you can be
sure there will still be something for you to collect.
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Post: 473
From: kayotae (Kayotae Blackwolf)
Date: Thu, 09 Jun 94 20:55:12 EDT
I was kissing my dog, letting him lick the inside of my mouth really, and I
saw this little piece of cat turd drop out of his jowls. That's when I
realized he had been downstairs eating the cat shits and now he was licking
inside my mouth! I practically drank the Listerine.
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Post: 496
From: gunfury (sp00nMaN)
Date: Sat, 11 Jun 94 09:48:13 EDT
charles (Charles Platt) writes:
>What DOES shit taste like?
Tastes like chicken
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Post: 497
From: gunfury (sp00nMaN)
Date: Sat, 11 Jun 94 09:51:46 EDT
This wasn't funny at the time, but looking back I get a big kick out of it.
I was away on a trip for a week and I really missed my girlfriend a lot. By
the time I got home, I was so horned up I couldn't take it. It was late
when I got in, so she was already under the covers, sleeping when I
arrived. I decided to sneak into bed and just go at it. I pulled my clothes
off and came under the covers from the bottom of the bed and worked my way
over to her legs. I pulled her legs apart and started going down on her.
She was really wet, but I didn't think anything about it. As I got into
this further, she started to wake up and said something like, "No hun,
don't" in a "you shouldn't be doing that" tone. It turns out the reason she
was so wet was because she was heavy into her period. I discovered I had
managed to pull out her tampon with my teeth, and I was chewing part of it
like a wad of chewing gum. I had thick clots of blood running down my face
and chin. It was a horrible taste, mainly because of the tampon. The blood
wasn't the usual "finger cut" type obviously, so the reaction from both of
us was sheer disgust. We went out for a while after that, but we no longer
see each other in a dating capacity. When I do bump into her though, it is
very awkward to say the least.
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Post: 499
From: barton (Annihilate)
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 94 13:11:55 EDT
When my brother was in Saudi Arabia, he and the other infantry guys passed
some of the time with a biggest turd contest.
If someone thought they had produced a qualifying entry, he would have to
call all the other guys over to inspect it.
My brother was well-prepared for this contest . . . my mother had been
feeding him mineral oil by the gallon since he was a small child just to
get him to produce anything. So he was used to saving it up.
One morning he produced the turd of all turds. The grandest turd of them
all. Even the tanks steered around that one. My brother was a legend.
He was so proud that he took a picture of it and sent it home to mom and
dad. Mineral Oil Revenge. You gotta love that guy.
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Post: 501
From: galt (Iskender Bey)
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 94 19:21:08 EDT
Large disgusting turds are a staple of military existence because of the
disgusting food they feed us, known as "MRE's" (meals ready to eat, or
excrete). Some soldiers make a career of finding new disgusting phrases to
match that acronym.
When I was doing the ROTC thing in college, we often did field exercises in
the Ranger mountain phase training area. Ranger training, as you may know,
is the most savage psychic and physical torture a human being may legally
be forced to endure. At any rate, their feeding habits are quite odd . . .
they don't eat for a couple of weeks at a time, and then they gorge
themselves. However, due to the nonstop nature of the missions they go on,
they are forced to hold their feces for long periods of time. The combined
effect of this is that Rangers produce exceedingly large feces, which we'd
run across in the woods from time to time. Ranger turds are extremely
large, odiferous, solid, and generally disgusting. The most common on
observation upon first seeing one is the incredible pain it must have taken
to expel it.
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Post: 504
From: simonm (wuow!s)
Date: Wed, 15 Jun 94 03:03:37 EDT
I never found going down on a menstruating woman to be a big hassle. Then
again, I've never just chewed on a tampon--that sounds like the problem.
Menstrual blood really doesn't taste bad at all.
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Post: 511
From: mitsc (Mitch)
Date: Fri, 17 Jun 94 12:01:18 EDT
Sometimes I get so constipated I feel like the shit inside me is boiling up
to eye level, and if you looked in my pupils they would be half brown!
On the other hand, isn't it great when you take that shit after being
constipated? Actually the first part usually hurts because the end of the
turd becomes so large from being backed up in the intestine it feels like
its gonna rip your sphincter muscles apart. But sometimes after being
stuffed up I take that banana shit. Ah, the banana shit, it's so glorious.
Thin, _very_ long, and curved like a banana as it floats in all its
brown-green beauty. It has that soft texture and keeps coming and coming
until it softly lands into the bowl. It makes that soft landing from being
so long the front of it is on the bottom of the bowl. I've produced some
that look as long as the distance from your wrist to your elbow.
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Post: 514
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Sat, 18 Jun 94 14:10:53 EDT
There's a story that I have been putting off telling ever since the advent
of this forum. It is so hideously embarrassing, I cringe from the task of
writing it.
I grew up in a backwoods kind of area, very primitive. One of the many
things that we lacked was decent toilet paper. The stuff was thin,
nonabsorbent, and it made my ass sore. Consequently, I have to admit I
tended to be a bit sloppy about cleaning up after taking a shit. The
situation was made worse by infrequent bathing (again, because of primitive
facilities).
As I became a teenager, I started growing hairs around the pubic area and
behind the scrotum. One day, I noticed that these hairs were, to put it
bluntly, clogged with particles of *dry shit*. ("Dingleberries," right?)
I thought of a relatively painless way of cleaning up this mess: Kleenex
and hand lotion. I went into the bathroom, got the hand lotion, then went
into my bedroom for the tissues. By this time, someone else was using the
toilet, so I got to work in my bedroom and dumped the mess of soiled
tissues, dried shit, and torn-off hairs on top of a heap of papers in my
waste basket. (Big mistake.) Something distracted me, and I forgot to empty
the waste basket. (Bigger mistake.)
That evening, a bunch of friends came to visit--among them, a girl I
particularly wanted to impress. Everyone was sitting around in my room,
when someone looked at the waste basket. "Jesus Christ," he said, "What
have you been doing? You've been taking shit and wiping your ass and
dumping the tissues *here?*" (Tactful fellow.)
It was a singular moment. I could think of nothing to say. I just sat
there, totally blank, feeling time freeze around me. In fact the situation
was so _weird_, no one ever mentioned it again.
But I never got the girl.
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Post: 517
From: speed (Deep Throat)
Date: Sun, 19 Jun 94 16:20:56 EDT
I don't really have any embarrassing shit stories, except maybe the other
day.
I get diarrhea when I don't eat any thing til late in the day, anyway, I
ate a pizza at about 6pm real fast, first food of the day, then I went to a
meeting, at about 7pm after the meeting I said good bye to a few folks and
sneezed.
*Oops!*
I had pretty seriously shit my pants, wet, mucky, and particularly smelly
shit on a 90 degrees + day! Also, since I was only going to the meeting I
didn't have cab fare, I didn't wanna risk asking my doordude esp. stinking
of shit. So I ducked into a restaurant restroom (they didn't have much
paper, either) tried to fix it a little (NG, prob. worse) and walked about
15 blocks home where my GF says, "Whewph!!
Waddidya shit in your pants?! Nice day.
Anyway I was really posting to tell you about a Puerto Rican friend of mine
who used to take a wire hanger into the toilet w/him to break up his toilet
chokers.
He'd wave it proudly on the way in, his having told us previously what it
was for.
"Rice an' beans," he'd yell, waving the hanger, "rice an' beans."
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Post: 518
From: alster (retsla)
Date: Mon, 20 Jun 94 11:54:13 EDT
Last summer, I was on a crew in a bike race called the Race Across America
(RAAM). Basically, it's non-stop across the country--with different
categories (solo, team, etc.). My group was in the team competition. Being
non- stop, taking a crap was pretty inconvenient.
One of the rules at night was that there had to be a car behind the rider
for safety reasons. I was driving this pace car (a mini van) at night in
Arkansas when my fellow crew member, John, indicated that he had to take a
crap. For the past few nights, we had no problem switching drivers while in
motion (we were only going about 25mph) and taking a leak out the sliding
side door.
Taking a dump out of a moving vehicle would be a challenge. We also had no
toilet paper, no tissues -- no napkins neither. However, we did have a
large Post-It pad. So John climbs out and sits on the edge of the passenger
side door window, holding onto the roof rack, drops his shorts and proceeds
to shit. He tells me that he has a hanging turd, so I pull up alongside our
rider who basically freaks out and then rode a lot faster :).
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Post: 533
From: galt (Big Slack Daddy)
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 94 00:18:43 EDT
I just thought I'd pass this on since I just remembered it . . . before I
had my much-ballyhooed rectal surgery, my bunghole was all messed up such
that it would expand to gargantuan proportions but only in a sort of
trapezoid/rhomboid shape. Because of this, I found myself regularly
launching huge loo-stranglers shaped like 2X4 planks, streaked with bloody
red racing stripes. It hurt like the devil, sure, but I feel a certain
kinship with sawmills after the experience.
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Post: 545
From: sorel (Plomo!)
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 94 18:01:45 EDT
i really know someone who actually had a rat come up out of the toilet. at
least it was found floating dead in the toilet in a closed bathroom with no
other possible means of entry.
i know this is an urban folklore. but it really happened to a friend of
mine.
the worst part is that she was going into the bathroom to puke at the time.
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Post: 548
From: galt (Big Slack Daddy)
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 94 21:03:17 EDT
Let me tell you a true story about a friend of mine in the Navy (well, it's
not about him . . . or maybe it is . . . anyway, he told me the story).
Large Navy ships store their waste for a while and then eject it downward
from the hull in a maneuver known as the "bottom blow." During the bottom
blow, there is a huge amount of over pressure in all the toilets. They
broadcast the time of the bottom blow in advance and warn people not to
flush during this time, but inevitably somebody fucks up and flushes during
the bottom blow. this results in the contents of the individual toilet (and
then some) being blown out of the toilet all over the restroom, whereupon
the dazed rookie stumbles out of the loo with sewage all over him and shit
in his hair. Kinda funny, I think.
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Post: 550
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Thu, 23 Jun 94 22:32:59 EDT
I'm interested by galt's descriptions of multifaceted turds (how could I
*not* be interested?). Personally I have a small, old hemorrhoid and have
noticed that when the shit is reasonably soft, this little blob of a vein
leaves a distinctive groove down the length of each stool. I imagine that
this could be used forensically, to identify a suspect. What interests me
more is the subject of _rectal itching_.
I developed this out of nowhere when my wife got pregnant for the first
time and I was in a state of anxiety bordering on panic. I've been plagued
by it on and off ever since. Apparently it is commonly associated with
tension. Anyway, it drives me nuts. Sometimes I wake up in the night and
find that I have been scratching my own anus (did anyone say "eeeww"?).
When the itching is at its peak, scratching that area, or lubricating my
finger and pushing it rapidly in and out of the anal opening, provides a
feeling of relief that's almost orgasmic. Following which I have to wash my
hands with antibacterial soap. Anyone else suffer from this condition? No,
I didn't think so. . . .
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Post: 555
From: mrbass (Bill Bass)
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 94 09:55:49 EDT
C'mon--everyone scratches their arse once in a while. sometimes after a
nice bike ride, tho, i dunno what is in the lycra or whatever, but i would
assume liddle shard-like fibers that love to dig right into my crack. You
just have to scratch, scratch, scratch. I have not gone off the deep end
and basically fingered myself, but i have itched long and hard. but, as my
brother has done before me--i cannot always resist the temptation to sniff
my fingers when i am all done.
I don't know why i do it, but it really smells bad sometimes.
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Post: 562
From: mitsc (Mitch)
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 94 18:15:51 EDT
Regarding anal itching, Felcher's itch. Isn't there anybody else out there
that uses Tucks to wipe their ass??? It's so refreshing. Gets up in there
and cleans, leaving no traces to irritate that anus.
God, my whole family uses it. (Except my newlywed wife, although I think
she's been experimenting!)
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Post: 563
From: mrbass (Bill Bass)
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 94 18:59:47 EDT
I don't stick my fingers *up* my ass, i merely scratch it profusely. and i
don't want any one of your smart asses saying oh shure, just like, no ma--i
was just scratching the area *around my nose,* i wasn't picking or any of
that crap. but fine, i pick my butt, and it feels good.
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Post: 566
From: charles (Charles Platt)
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 94 19:57:25 EDT
I imagine there are some atheists in this forum, and some sociopaths, and I
imagine some of them have stayed in motel rooms where you open the drawer
in the bedside table and you find a Gideon Bible. At which point, has
anyone felt a terrible compulsion to draw obscene pictures in it?
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Post: 570
From: simonm (wuow!s)
Date: Sat, 25 Jun 94 00:46:11 EDT
When I was little me and my sibs would sometimes take a bible out into the
parking lot and light 'em on fire, than stamp it out and put the charred
mess back into the drawer.
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Post: 582
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Sat, 25 Jun 94 14:34:06 EDT
One time I checked into a sleazy motel in Kansas, opened the Gideon bible,
and found in it an amateurish drawing of a naked woman in bondage giving
oral sex to a priest. Was this one of your efforts, charles?
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Post: 587
From: charles (Charles Platt)
Date: Sat, 25 Jun 94 19:00:45 EDT
Here's some Christmas carols for atheists. Why should atheists not have
something appropriate to sing during the festive season?
There is No Hell (to the tune of The First Noel)
The vision of hell
That the churches display
Is to frighten poor people
And make them obey
No hell, no hell
No, there is no hell
No nasty hot place
Where sinners must dwell
Be a crook all your life
You can cheat, steal, and lie
There'll be no one to punish you
After you die
No hell, no hell
No, there is no hell
Only hokum from priests
With religion to sell
O Come Ye Unfaithful
O come ye unfaithful
Free and independent
Come ye, O come ye, to Golgotha's hill
Judas has failed him
Now we're going to nail him
O come let us defy him
O come let us deny him
O come let's crucify him
Christ the fraud
Christ said, surrender
To the holy splendour
Fear god's omnipotence and bow to his will Christ said he saved us
Truly he enslaved us
O come let us defy him
O come let us deny him
O come let's crucify him
Christ the fraud
God Rot Ye Holy Gentlemen
God rot ye holy gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
No burden is too great for you
No price you wouldn't pay
The good lord gives you cancer
But you praise him as you pray
For relief from your suffering and pain
Suffering and pain
For relief from your suffering and pain
God rot ye holy gentlemen
Believe the biggest lie
That god looks down with love upon
His children from on high
And lovingly he watches
While we sicken, starve, and die
How he smiles at our suffering and pain
Sing it again!
How he smiles at our suffering and pain!
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Post: 625
From: charles (Charles Platt)
Date: Mon, 27 Jun 94 01:27:57 EDT
A friend of mine has asked me to include the following story here, because
she can't find a suitable forum for it on Panix, which is where she hangs
out:
"I went for a bicycle ride recently and needed to urinate. I went into a
toilet in a bar, and I squatted above the seat, because I never sit on the
seats in public toilets. There was no hook to hang my backpack, and I
wasn't going to put it on the floor, so there I was, wearing my backpack,
squatting above the seat, with my spandex shorts around my ankles, and just
to make it even more difficult, I had my period. Whenever I have my period,
I always have to hold up the string from the tampon while I urinate,
because otherwise the urine can run down the string and end up in
unpredictable places. Well, this time, I held the string at the wrong angle
or something, and the flow of urine touched it without my realizing it, and
it got diverted down my leg, down into my sock, which it stained yellow. So
I had to wipe my leg with toilet paper,it was really disgusting. And I had
to finish my bike ride with a sock soaked in urine."
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Post: 643
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 94 15:08:43 EDT
Here's an interesting development from the sex industry: there is now an
active trade in second-hand breast implants.
I hear from a friend of mine in the business that a well-known porn star
with extremely large breast implants decided recently to "downsize"
herself. She made her decision after an incident after she leaned over a
barbecue, and one of her huge tits was severely singed.
It so happens that her implants are the old type, containing some silicone
(before the FDA created such panic that manufacturers ceased marketing
anything but pure saline implants). The silicone type are, in effect,
collectors' items at this point. Consequently, the porn star has been able
to *sell* her used implants (for $1,000) to a younger porn star, who is
also paying for having them removed and cleaned.
This may sound hard to believe, but it was told to me by a magazine editor
who is personally acquainted with one of the women.
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Post: 646
From: mitsc (Mitch)
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 94 11:03:58 EDT
In college an enterprising buddy and myself tried to contact teh companies
that manufacture breast implants so that we could sell (unused) ones as
paperweights. We thought it would be great as a low priced item. They are
clear and shaped like a breast, feel like a breast, perfect for the
businessman who needs to relieve a little stress. Turns out they were very
expensive to buy, plus none of the companies wanted to take us seriously.
We looked into manufacturing it ourselves, but never really followed
through. Probably would have made a lot of money during the breast implant
scare.
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Post: 647
From: galt (Big Slack Daddy)
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 94 11:29:11 EDT
When I was in med school, one of our cadavers (female) had saline breast
implants (perfectly intact). We also had cadavers with long painted nails,
which was kind of weird. You get used to seeing these bodies not as former
people, but as grayish hunks of meat. It changes everything when you start
seeing painted nails, gold teeth, and tattoos.
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Post: 651
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 94 15:13:24 EDT
Anyone here have problems generating excessive amounts of ear wax? Anyone
here enjoy flushing it out with a soft rubber bulb syringe and seeing great
big gunky bits of dark brown (almost black) wax spattering into the
bathtub, some of them with little shreds of skin like tissue attached?
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Post: 660
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Fri, 01 Jul 94 03:03:11 EDT
I suppose I should really tackle a subject which I have been putting off
for a while: sucking your own dick. At one time I admit I was obsessed with
this idea. At first, it seemed physically impossible. But if I lay on my
back on the floor, then brought up my knees till my back was curled and my
legs were either side of my head, I could brace my feet on the wall behind
me, wrap my arms around behind my knees, and force my spine into a smaller
radius, so that my cock dangled temptingly above my mouth. Three problems:
this position was extremely uncomfortable and antierotic, my genitals were
positioned high relative to the rest of my body so all the blood tended to
flow away from them (just what I did NOT want), and it was quite impossible
to view masturbation aids such as porno magazines. Still, I mastered the
technique of masturbating in a normal position till I was *almost* ready to
come, and then flipping over into the auto-erotic position in which I could
_just about_
make oral-genital contact. And after a lot of painful attempts, I finally
managed to ejaculate into my own mouth.
It tasted like swallowing my own snot (which I suppose will not be news to
some of our readers here).
Has anyone else experimented with auto-erotic techniques? Did you have an
easier time of it than I did? Did it provide a special form of fulfillment?
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Post: 661
From: microdot ([email protected])
Date: Fri, 01 Jul 94 03:37:09 EDT
the problem for me always was: i was getting a blow job, but i was also
sucking dick. i couldn't concentrate on both. it just didn't work. and
yeah, the taste of ones own cum isn't something i enjoyed either.
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Post: 666
From: b00tzi (gotopless)
Date: Fri, 01 Jul 94 17:55:28 EDT
Felchmeister: What an interesting little story you shared with us. I've
always wondered if guys could give themselves blow jobs--now I have the
answer. The guy I sleep with, rather, the guy I have sex with, says he's
never wanted to try it. I find it difficult to believe that he doesn't want
to. Anyway, point being, guys always have the upper hand . . . err, the
upper lip . . . in everything. It's my goal and dream in life to be
flexible enough to lick myself into absolute oblivion--I'll keep you posted
as to my progress.
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Post: 678
From: simonm (wuow!s)
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 01:30:38 EDT
Re drinking urine--I hardly see why people make such a fuss about it. It's
really pretty dilute. I went through a month or two or drinking my urine on
a regular basis and it's really pretty tasteless, if a bit salty.
Eating snot has to be grosser, but picking your nose doesn't seem all that
bad in itself. Just remember to wipe your fingers before touching anything
else.
Eating your own shit, I have to admit, it still beyond me.
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Post: 679
From: slowdog (trash)
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 01:43:39 EDT
Um, why were you drinking your own urine?
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Post: 683
From: simonm (wuow!s)
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 02:00:58 EDT
Well, some people were talking about how it was neato that you could do it
and not experience any bad effects, and I was feeling generally
transgressive, and wanted to try it. I gave it up after 6 weeks or so, and
never really drank more than a pint or so a day.
The weirdest part is how warm it is.
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Post: 689
From: charles (Charles Platt)
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 09:23:51 EDT
Hey, simonm, how can you be so cruel to post a message like this without
more detail? Like--how did you collect the urine? How much was there? Was
it the real dark-yellow stuff, or relatively dilute? Did eating different
foods change the way the urine tasted afterward? Did you try drinking the
infamous "asparagus urine"? Did anyone else know what you were doing? This
is really interesting! (To me, anyway.)
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Post: 692 of 700
From: simonm (wuow!s)
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 13:53:11 EDT
I'm glad to know you care, charles.
It really wasn't that complicated; I'd just take a glass with me when I
went to piss. The only really challenging part of it was keeping the urine
from splashing out; I dunno about other guys, but when I start urinating I
really unload full blast. I found that the best tactic was to grab ahold of
my penis right behind the head and apply a bit of pressure on the underside
to control the rate of flow. That'd let me fill the glass without wetting
the front of my shirt. I have to admit the first couple of times I was a
bit squeamish about dripping on my hands, but I figgered, hell, I'm gonna
drink the stuff, right? It was surprising to see how much there actually
was . . . easily several quarts a day, though I kept my intake down to a
cup or two, to avoid any kind of serious toxin buildup. I tend to drink a
lot of water and juice, and I eat a relatively good diet (veggies and
grains, mostly) so I figured it couldn't be *that* toxic. I never really
noticed any strong taste, other than the surprising saltiness. Garlic was
one of the few tastes that survived, tasting rather the way that farts
smell after you've eaten a whole head of garlic--warm and mellow. It did
kinda flip some people out--my mother in particular--but she assumed,
correctly, that I'd get over it on my own, and left me to it. I never
really renounced it, it just got boring . . . Though I have to say that
writing about it kind of makes me want to try it again.
I mean, hell, why not, right?
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Post: 684
From: mrvented (bazzfazz)
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 07:11:38 EDT
Met a man who really got off on licking the snot out of my nose. Have to
admit it felt really strange french-kissing him afterwards.
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Post: 688
From: charles (Charles Platt)
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 09:19:57 EDT
One time I wanted to lick snot out of my girlfriend's nose, but she
wouldn't let me. I have also wanted to extract snot from someone's nose
using my finger. Again, my offer was refused.
Did you have a lot of snot (maybe you were suffering from a cold at the
time)?
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Post: 694
From: mrvented (bazzfazz)
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 94 17:35:16 EDT
I had a steady nasal drip from summer allergies. On the drive back to my
place he kept licking my fingers and stuffing them into his mouth. I'd been
climbing around on some rocks in the park and they were pretty grimy. I had
my shirt off and as soon as we were inside he buried his face in my armpit
and started licking. He worked my chest, neck and ears over with his tongue
(he also seemed to have a thing for ear wax). When he covered my nose with
his mouth and started licking and sucking it just seemed sort of the next
logical move.
I didn't like him trying to suck it out of my nose. But when he'd work his
tongue into a nostril, that did feel good.
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Post: 696
From: b00tzi (gotopless)
Date: Thu, 07 Jul 94 00:18:27 EDT
Felchmeister, perhaps you'll enjoy this one. The BF and I are in my
apartment one evening having a randy old time. Drinking rum & cokes,
blasting the tunes, dancing around. I mean, we're having *fun.
Carrying on all evening, as I would refill my glass every 10 minutes or so,
really slamming the cocktails down, but never noticing the amount of my
intake. Around 2 in the morning, we decide to crawl up into the loft. The
minute my head hits the pillow, I turn to him and tell him, "I think I'm
gonna be sick" and proceed to try to crawl down the ladder to go to the
bathroom. His version of this story is that he lowered me down the ladder,
fearing that I'd fall and never get up again. I make it safely to the
bathroom, where I decide I'm not going to throw up. I decide to take a bath
instead. So I fill up the tub with water and bubble bath, and dip myself
into the warm water. Ahhhhhh. Doesn't that feel good, I say to myself. The
BF wanted to stay in the bathroom to make sure I wasn't about to slam my
head on the tub, or sink, or toilet, but I made him leave, as I didn't want
an audience in case I did toss it. Back to the tub. As I'm sitting in the
water that has floating bubbles everywhere, they begin to multiply and
float into the air--my vision blurred, my head reeling. The stomach begins
to lurch--I feel like the guy at the table in the movie ALIEN--
With one major push I begin throwing up--all over myself, in the water, all
over the bubbles--BF hears the retching sound and strolls into the
bathroom, while gorgeous, sexy, curvaceous GF is covered in vomit, sitting
in a tub of vomit. BF gets into the vomit tub, unplugs the drain, turns on
the shower where the gooey parts of the vomit are clogging the drain--and
he proceeds to stomp on them until they're crushed into tiny pieces
swirling down the drain. He showers the vomit off of me and off of himself,
then I decided to throw up on both of us. (Mind you, while I am typing
this, I am asking him to fill in the blanks, since I really can't
regurgitate all that much.) So, I threw up again and asked him to once
again leave the bathroom. I decide now to roll up in a ball on the floor of
the bathroom and go to sleep. He thought I passed out. He calls a friend of
his on the West Coast in a total panic, asking him what to do. He thought I
was dead, I was just drunk.
This is the end of my story. P.S. The next time I got drunk with him, it
was in the plaza of his hometown, where I proceeded to punch him in front
of all his neighbors. (Whoops.) Joe Louis would've been proud.
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Post: 699
From: gorelord (Lamen)
Date: Thu, 07 Jul 94 21:07:19 EDT
One of my pals at work mentioned that he likes to sniff coke out of his
girlfriend's asshole. He also insisted that nose and butt hole fit
perfectly together and the effect of drugs is orgasmic . . . any comments?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Post: 701
Subject: Turd Award Postmortem
From: felcher (Jim Felcher)
Date: Sun, 10 Jul 94 21:33:36 EDT
Some time ago, I promised to describe the Golden Turd Award in more detail.
First I obtained some fresh cat turds. I have two cats, so this was no
problem, though I did have to pick and choose to get some really nicely
formed, firm turds with fine detail.
Having scooped them out of the litter box, I put them on paper towels and
carried them to the bathroom. There, I placed each turd on a slotted spoon
and lowered it into the toilet, where I agitated it gently to wash off the
particles of kitty litter. This was a delicate business, since too much
washing threatened to degrade the all-important turd-texture or even
dissolve the turd completely.
Incidentally, in case you imagine that I actually enjoy this kind of thing,
the smell of the cat shit coupled with the procedure of dunking it in the
toilet made me feel quite nauseated.
Have cleaned the turds, I carried them (once again, on paper towels) down
to the basement. I left them on top of the water heater, where the ambient
temperature is around 100 degrees and the humidity is low.
Two weeks later I retrieved the turds, which were now nice and dry.
Handling them with rubber gloves, I set them on some newspaper and spray-
painted them gold. After waiting for the paint to dry, I then dabbed a
little transparent epoxy glue on each turd and placed it in a clear acrylic
box of the type that is sold in plastics stores. I glued the turds in place
because I didn't want them to rattle around after I mailed them to the
lucky winners.
Lastly, using a "Badge-a-Minit" kit, I prepared some commemorative buttons
for winners and the runners-up, using artwork that depicted a turd emitting
mystical beams of light. Each button was customized with the name of the
recipient.
Now for the sad part. I sent a golden turd to mdreyfus--and the disgusting
little pervert never even said "thank you"! I sent buttons to the lucky
runners-up--and no one even mentioned receiving anything! I reminded speed
(the other winner) to collect his golden turd, and he did leave a message
for me when I was out of town, but since then, he seems to have lost
interest in the whole thing.
Well, I suppose this is the attitude I should have expected from people who
contribute to a forum named Fuck You! I still have speed's turd sitting on
top of my refrigerator, and I think I'll keep it. I think I deserve it.
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Post: 702
From: pas (Wild.Boy)
Date: Mon, 11 Jul 94 02:33:08 EDT
My old boyfriend told me about a job his very best friend did a few years
prior to disappearing. She was trying to get through college without
working, so she got a job as an eye snatcher. She spent 5 days/week in an
eye bank, doing regular shifts, waiting for notification that one of the
donors had died. Once informed, she then went to the deceased and with
specialized eye extraction tools, would gently yank the eye out of its
socket.
It sounded pretty depressing. Evidently, she didn't stick around too long.
That also reminds me of another dead eye-motif story. Prior to his death,
JP Sartre, who had notoriously bad eyesight, had stipulated that his eyes
should be re-used after his death. A right-wing French newspaper commented
in a headline after the operation: "Thanks to the Great Philosopher, a
blind man can now squint."
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Post: 712
From: holski (Edger Holski)
Date: Wed, 13 Jul 94 10:57:55 EDT
for those of you who don't know what a nail gun is, i offer the following
description:
a nail gun is a mechanical device that replaces the hammer. you may have
seen some guy up on a roof walking around half bent over with a machine
that went "poof" every time he pushed it against the roof. that was a nail
gun. some nail guns are pneumatic (they are driven by an air compressor)
and some use small-caliber cartridges to drive the nails. in any case they
all share the safety feature of needing to be pressed against something in
order to fire a nail. a trigger at the "barrel" needs to be pressed against
the roof or what ever at the same time the finger trigger is pressed.
why am i telling you this?
well in spite of this seemingly well thought out safety scheme, nail guns
are involved in a variety of rather amusing accidents all the time.
one way to circumvent the safety is simply to hold the barrel trigger in
while you spray your fellow construction works with semi-automatic nail gun
fire. this unfortunately rarely leads to injury, as nails are not well
designed for flight. however another common misuse of the guns is
responsible for some truly amusing self inflicted wounds.
because of the double trigger safety, it is common practice for roofers and
framers (who drive lots of nail each day) to simply walk around holding the
finger trigger down, driving nails in to things by simply pressing the gun
against the surface. they get so in the habit of holding down the trigger
that they walk around with the trigger pressed, and invariably the barrel
trigger bumps into something that doesn't need to get nailed, especially
the back of the walkers calf. (Picture it in your head, guy's holding the
thing in his right hand, hey joe com'ere. walks over, right arm going
forward as the left leg is coming back and . . . puka! *Ow! Son of a
bitch!*)
a friend of mine who works in an emergency room saw one of these guys,
nailed right through the meat of his calf and into the tibia (of was it
fibia?) anyway, while they waiting for the bone doctor to get there, the
two of them are talking and my friend says, "that must hurt." and the guy
says "not as much as the first time."
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There once was a man named aims, he played the most horrible games
as he lit a match to his grandmas snatch he laughed as she pissed through
the flames...
There once was a man named its, he planted an acre of tits
with red nipples and all, he gladly chewed them to bits...
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