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Critters: Rewritten IV \ Peltzers- Trapped by: Da











Critters: Rewritten IV \ Peltzers-Trapped

Written 11-27-92 by: David Minter


Based on the movie Critters and material from Critters:
Rewritten III \ Escape from the Critters, Critters:
Rewritten II \ The Hatchlings, and Critters: Rewritten \
The Setup.



It's time for Mind Your Manners with Billy Peltzer.
Today's episode: Enter the Critters! Remember kids, be
like Billy; behave yourself and turn the page whenever you
hear VAWOOMSH! VAWOOMSH!



It was a moment of thick tension. Four humans
trapped in a bedroom while dozens of monstrous little
maniacs pounded their way outside. It was almost more
than Billy could handle. He passed out from fright.
Unfortunately, he dropped the hand grenade in the process.
He had already pulled the pin. The shiny metal of the
grenade shown like a bright sun for the now doomed
Peltzers and Adam West. The Critters continued to beat
away at the door as the seconds ticked by until the
grenade would explode! Oops! You already knew that!
VAWOOMSH!

It was Adam West who came up with the idea for
stopping the grenade from killing everyone within a 12
mile radius ( It was a nuclear grenade. ). Unfortunately,
not at the cost of his own life. Whipping out his
retractable Batshield, Adam flung himself on top of the
explosive. Due to West's amazing Bat-technology, the
shield held firm. When Billy finally came to, his mother
gave him a good, old-fashioned scolding. VAWOOMSH!









"If I've told you once, I've told you at least twice,
get rid of those weapons that you keep secret in various
places in your room!" "Mom?! You knew?" Billy asked,
somewhat surprised and embarrassed. "Of course. Doesn't
every mother know when his son is hiding something under
his bed?" "Well, I know someone who's managed to kept it
under raps from his parents for almost three years. His
name's Davi-" "NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT!" the writer
interrupted with a thundering voice that seemed to boom
from the very heavens above, because that was exactly
where it was coming from. They all looked up in the
general direction of my voice. "He's right. I want to
know where you got those bombs, Billy." "Innesfree,"
Billy confessed with a sigh. His mother, first seeing the
sigh coming and dodging the gales of evil breath and then
realizing that her son had disobeyed her, said, "I should
have known! I told you to stay away from there! They're
prejudiced against us. They think we're the Evil Ones,
when in fact it was Charlie." VAWOOMSH!

The Critters continued their massive butt-kicking of
the door as Billy's mother admonished him further and
called him Der Furher. "Innesfree is only for adults, and
you father, Adam, and I rarely go, albeit not with each
other, well, at least not with Adam-" Adam cocked his
head in Mrs. Peltzer's direction upon that insult,
"-unless we need some more Mentos, Furher." Billy's fists
clenched up upon hearing that dreaded name. MENTOS! "But,
Mom, I am 22 years old. So, I am an adult and can
purchase weapons freely from Innesfree!" "Then why don't
you move away?!" "Sorry to interrupt you, Venus," Adam
said to Mrs. Peltzer. "But shouldn't we be preparing for
the inevitable breaking in of those creatures?" "Shouldn't
you get a job?" Billy sarcastically snapped at him.
"DON'T YOU THINK I'VE TRIED!? The last meal I had before
your naked friend there gave me a moldy orange was when I
recorded a guest stint on The Simpsons!" "That really was
you? I thought it was an impersonator." "No.
Unfortunately, it truly was me. I had to beg for donuts
though." "Well, you're probably right," Billy
acquiesced. "Let's break out some o' my guns." VAWOOMSH!

The M-16's were the first to be broken, usually over
each other's heads. Uzi's and Mac 11's were next.
Bazookas came in short order, but not in short supply.
Kate laid ( No pun was intended at all. Believe me. )
Claymore mines all around the doorway. Adam accidentally
stepped on one while trailing barbed wire near Billy's
bed. He suffered only minor damage though, much to the
major consternation of the remaining conscious Peltzers.
Mrs. Peltzer debated on whether to risk climbing out the
window and manning the nearby Howitzer, but decided








against it. Kate manned ( very poorly considering she was
a woman ) the M-60, using the long string of bullets to
cover her nudity. The Peltzers, Kate, and Adam West were
armed to the teeth, ready to do battle with some strange
monsters that were hell-bent on eating them, a very
discomforting thought indeed. They brought their guns
down, brandishing them towards the door, ready for action.
When the Critters finally managed to break down the door
to Billy's bedroom and tear their way through the dresser
and other assorted barricades, they were rightfully
surprised to see the barrels of guns pointed at their tiny
heads. But their surprise could in no way compare to
Billy's, Kate's, Mrs. Peltzer's, and Adam's when they
pulled their triggers and discovered that they had no
bullets! VAWOOMSH!

Downstairs, Rand continued to lie where he was,
drooling profusely. This was the sight that greeted Ohm
and Ogg when they finally reached their destination. The
pair walked over to Rand. "Maybe he knows something about
the Krites," Ogg suggested. Following standard medical
procedures when trying to revive beings poisoned by
Critter quills, Ohm slugged Rand in the stomach with the
butt of his PAIN rifle. Slowly, painfully, Rand returned
to consciousness. Groggily, Rand looked into the face of
his savior. "Benito! You old dog!" Rand gave him one of
those friendly bops to the chin. "How have you been? And
how's your naked friend?" Ohm placed his hand on his
chin, insulted by Rand's brash assault, and slugged Rand
right across the jaw. "Hey! What was that for? Surely
you're not still angry over that little thing in Ethiopia
are you? By the way, all the history books say you were
assassinated in 1945. I guess we shall show them at I was
right all along, eh?" Ohm, not knowing a single thing
about what Rand was saying, pointed his rifle under Rand's
chin. "Where are the Krites?" "Krites?" Rand
questioned. "Maybe this will refresh your memory," Ohm
said as he punched Rand in firmly in the sternum. "Nope.
Sorry. My mind, as well as my career, has gone with the
wind." "How about this?" Ohm reached into his specimen
case, pulled out a live Critter, and threw it onto Rand's
lap. "Oh. OW! Those Kritiiiiiieeeeeeees!" He was
rapidly becoming Critter chow. "Tell us what we want to
know if you want to live." "Up those- OUCH! Stairs." Ohm
nodded to Ogg. Ogg slammed his weapon into the Critter
and blew it away. "WHEW!" Rand breathed as he wiped
blood from his face. "Thanks, guy-" Ohm promptly kicked
Rand in the skull, effectively removing Rand from the rest
of this story. VAWOOMSH!











"Duck!" Billy shouted as the Critters knelt forward
in their tell-tale sign of quill attack. But it was not
the humans that the Critters were aiming at, amazingly
enough. They were firing at the land mines placed
throughout Billy's bedroom. Shrapnel flew across the
room, just in time to see shrapnel from the land mines
hurl into him. He returned to Decepticon HQ for repairs.
VAWOOMSH!

When the smoke finally cleared, the assembled humans
faced a small army ( more like an armlet ) of monstrous
little bastards. They ( they being the Critters ) licked
their lips ravenously. Billy, having fashioned a flame
thrower from a can of aerosol deodorant ( It must have
been left over from the rocket tower. ) and Adam's Bat
Cigarette Lighter, ignited the flint and pressed the
button on top of the can of deodorant. The highly ( and I
mean HIGHLY ) flammable chloroflurocarbons in the spray
came in contact with the flame. Like that odd
Birthday-String-in-a-Can crap hitting a lit candle, the
spray flared to life, snuffing out the life of a nearby
Critter. Another Critter stepped forward. Taking the
initiative, Adam whipped out his can of Shark Repellent
Bat-Spray and sprayed right in the approaching Critter's
face. The Critter flailed around as the spray stung his
eyes. He mumbled unintelligibly as he began to claw at
his face. It staggered back as the spray's fumes entered
its throat. It then toppled over backwards and died.
Billy and Adam continued their aerosol attack until their
supply ran out, which is only obvious because one cannot
continue an aerosol attack when their aerosol runs out.
The Critters began their hungry march forwards once again.
VAWOOMSH!

Adam stepped in front of the Peltzers. "If I must
die unemployed, then I want to be the first to die!" As
the humans and Critters pondered this odd display, Billy
used this chance to buy them some more time. Quickly
reaching into his back pocket, Billy removed his wallet
and thumbed through it. Removing the money, condoms, and
the small, folded piece of paper from within it, Billy
hurled the wallet like a ninja throwing star at a Critter.
This riled the rest of them into action. Gritting their
teeth loudly, they each took a step forward in unison.
Billy, seeing that the tide of battle had changed,
pocketed the money and condoms and unfolded the paper. It
was an article from a magazine. Billy rushed in front of
Adam, who had stuck his chin and chest out as best as he
could to prepare for the welcomed comfort of death, and
stuck the article out in front of his face. He then
proceeded to read it. VAWOOMSH!









"Jacko gives jumpin' jolt to Energizer's campaign by
Bob Garfield. Energizer's Jacko says he's gonna surprise
ya. Terrify is more like it. Oy, this is so complicated.
For the past two weeks, an Australian football star/pop
celebrity named Jacko, who looks like the mutant sibling
of either Brian Bosworth or Max Headroom or both, has been
yelling at us about Energizer batteries by Eveready, which
used to be a Union Carbide company and now is part of
Ralston Purina Co. Jacko, who is 28 but looks 58,
explodes on the screen doing a sort of Australian rap
song, while slamming through doors and physically toppling
competing brand batteries and generally looking bizarre.
'What's the longest lastin' bettery you can buy?' he
shouts. 'I'm gonna surprise ya! New Energizer!' He had
done much the same thing in Australia, where he was
already famous for recording novelty songs and videos,
which opportunity he seized by playing Australian Rules
football, which combines the best of rugby and nuclear
fission and can be seen on ESPN any day at 4:30 a.m. just
after pro speedboat racing. Oy, do they want to
manufacture another phenomenon? That we DON'T need.
Doesn't anyone remember Herb? Jacko and his commercials
are undeniably novel and interesting. This guy makes John
Moschitta look narcoleptic. Moreover, Jacko replaces Mary
Lou Retton as Energizer spokesman. That is an automatic
improvement. So there it is. Like Herb, the making of
Jacko is a bold idea; unlike Herb, it is destined to
succeed. But, Ralston Purina should exercise caution;
beware of geeks bearing gifts. Phenomenon marketing is
such a potent drug that it impairs judgment. Chances are
Jacko will create an immediate rush, persuading otherwise
rational people to use him again and again. Then he'll
become just a tiresome mutant Australian and, oy, we'll
all wish he'd just go away." VAWOOMSH!

Afterwards, he turned the piece of paper around and
forced the Critters to view the photo of Jacko. Throughout
the majority of these stories, the Critters have been
confused just before the moment that they would strike.
Needless to say, Jacko confused the Critters to a level
that no rational being should be submitted to. In fact,
Kate, Adam, and Mrs. Peltzer were also a little
bewildered. "What the hell was that all about?" Mrs.
Peltzer asked somewhat angered at Billy. "Well, it bought
us a few more precious seconds of life," Billy pointed
out as he pointed to the line of Critters. As he did so,
his eardrums nearly burst out of his ears and did a nice
Spanish number. The room was once again filled with smoke
and debris. This time around, the room also filled with
the rumbling of the house's frame and the oddly
comforting, but strangely unfamiliar, screams of dying
Critters. VAWOOMSH!









Where there had once been maniacal, little beasts,
there were now only their maniacal, little feet. Also, a
big puddle of Critter guts, that had an unexpected scent
of Scotch Pine. Through the smoke, a large boot stepped
into the gooey mess. The gooey messed groaned in
response. The boot's owner followed in kind. "Benito
Mussolini?" Billy questioned. Upon seeing the photo of
Jacko, Ohm knew what needed to be done next. It had
become evident upon their meeting with Rand that naked
women were not a common sight in public. But, had not our
television transmissions that they had intercepted
depicted the opposite? Well, it had, but logic dictated
that it was in fact not true. So, Ogg would have to
change into another form, immediately. Ogg stepped into
view. Upon catching sight of the photo of Jacko, his
instinct kicked in and, before the Peltzer's ( minus one
), Kate's, and Adam's startled eyes, Ogg assumed the form
of Jacko. He stared at the odd black and orange,
cylindrical objects in his hands and threw them aside as
worthless. What Ogg didn't understand was that in several
parts of the galaxy, Energizer batteries are more precious
than pylons. VAWOOMSH!

"Kate, is my other eye going bad, or did a naked
Sandi Korn just come in behind Mussolini and transform
into Jacko?" Billy waited for an answer, but finally
decided to check on Kate when he didn't get one. She had
fainted. The sheer oddity of it all had momentarily
caused toxic shock to set in. "Mom, is my other eye going
bad or-" "Well, either your eye has gone bad, or I've got
a goatee," she said assured that her senses had not taken
leave of her and the display that she had just witnessed
was a trick being pulled on her by the Amazing Kreskin.
When she finally remembered that she did in fact have a
goatee ( due to her foolish playing around with Rand's new
invention, the Mustache Bomb ), she decided to get Billy
some professional physical help for his eyes. VAWOOMSH!

"Who- who are you?" Adam spoke up. "Ohm," Ohm
answered. "Ogg," Ogg answered. "Ohm. Ogg. Say, you're
not the same Ohm who discovered those principals of
electricity, are you? If you are, how come you look like
Mussolini? If not, still how come you look like
Mussolini?" Ogg slowly turned his new Jacko face towards
Adam. "You ask too many questions." "S-surely you
wouldn't hit a fellow out of work celebrity, would you?"
Ogg stared evilly back at him. "Hey! I've got it! We
could move to the Himalayas, become gay lovers, and sell
Grit to Hitler and the aliens. After all, we've got
Mussolini right here, although I thought he died in 1945."
"We'll ask the questions." Ogg gave Adam West a painful
warning shot into the shoulder. Kate, having revived,








rushed over to the fallen form of the once mighty Batman
and tended to his wound as best as she could. She found
the gash in his shoulder and plugged it up with a bullet
from the string that she was using for clothes. VAWOOMSH!

"We want the Krites. Pure and simple. Give them to
us or die!" "We'd like to! Like hell we'd like to!"
Billy begged. "But, they're just as much trouble to us as
they seem to be to you. They want to eat us!" "Yes.
That's what Krites do." "Krites?" Adam moaned. "Krites.
Those strange monsters that have been marauding you
tonight." "We can infer that!" Billy insulted Ohm. When
he saw the look that Ogg flashed his way, he knew that it
wasn't wise to insult these guys again. "But why Krites?"
"To backwards people like you, they are know as Critters."
"Backwards?! Why you- I otta-" Billy said under his
breath. "We'll get much money if we bring back their
corpses. YOU WILL HELP US OR DIE!" "Don't worry," Mrs.
Peltzer assured Ohm, shaving off her goatee with the
bayonet at the end of his PAIN rifle. "We'll gladly do it
for free just to remain alive. You see, we humans have a
penchant for self-preservation, even at the cost of other
lives-" "WE KNOW THAT!" Ogg interrupted. "We are
members of a highly civilized, but violent, society." "You
will help us search these premises. Ogg, collect the
remains." Ogg whipped out his Evidence Collection Unit, a
common device carried by bounty hunters. It held the
evidence of the hunters' kill. He held the vacuum hose
above the remains and sucked it all into the containment
unit. He placed in the convenient carrying case on his
belt, patted it greedily, and caught up with the others.
VAWOOMSH!

"Surely you must have blown them all away!" "Yeah,
to Kingdom Come!" Kate added. "You are in error, which
is not surprising considering that you are humans. Many
perished in the blast, but some fled for their lives to
various parts of this structure. Various parts of others
hid in other various places." "It would probably be best
to start downstairs with Rand." Adam weakly added. They
treaded down the stairs. When they came upon Rand's still
unconscious but now slightly bruised body, they honestly
weren't prepared for the little Critter hiding behind the
body. VAWOOMSH!

At that moment, another Critter came swinging on a
chandelier from the staircase into the room. The Critter
behind Rand fired a quill at Ogg. The needle plunged into
his neck. The shock of the blow made Ogg fling his arms
behind him. The poison caused the muscles in his body to
tense, including the muscle in his trigger finger. His








PAIN rifle fired right into the approaching Critter. Ogg
fell backwards to the floor. Ohm turned to his fallen
partner. Just as angrily, he turned to face the Critter
that had attacked Ogg, revenge burning his eyes. He
confidently strode towards Rand. VAWOOMSH!

The Critter hiding behind Rand, seeing his security
slowly being compromised, fired quills at various
locations around Ohm. He deftly dodged the poison
carrying needles. Ohm was now dangerously close to the
creature. Too close for the Critter's liking! He lunged
at Ohm, face first and mouth wide open. The various teeth
inside gleamed hellishly in the moonlight. Ohm stuck out
his arm. The Critter flew right onto it. Ohm's arm was
now firmly lodged into the Critter's throat. The Critter
looked up into Ohm's face, hoping to see the sheer terror
that would result from having a ravenous, little monster
chewing on his arm. Ohm just stared back at him, with a
look that seemed to say, "Would you like to buy a really
fine set of encyclopedias?" Vainly, the Critters rolled
his teeth around Ohm's meaty arm in a way that tried to
express danger. Ohm just turned and walked back up the
stairs, the Critter still snarling and gnawing away at his
arm. He went into the upstairs bathroom and walked over
to the toilet. Lifting the lid, Ohm placed the Critter
into a position that would allow Ohm to repeatedly bash
the Critter's skull with the lid if he wished, which was
exactly what he did. VAWOOMSH!

The myriad, high pitched sounds of the pain arising
from the Critter drew the rest of the people, except Ogg,
to the bathroom door. Ohm drew his arm away. The
unconscious Critter slid to the floor, but not before he
banged his head on the bowl. Ohm drew his rifle and
blasted the creature to bits. He left the lid up and
headed out the door. "Well, it's nice to see a man who
knows how to lift the lid," Mrs. Peltzer noticed. She
had no way of knowing it, but in all fashionable parts of
the galaxy, it is considered rude to leave the lid up. Ohm
was a very rude individual. He went back downstairs to
administer first aid to his fallen friend. For the second
time that day, Ohm's rifle came down into someone's
stomach. Ogg, upon reviving, thanked Ohm in his alien
way, with a thumb to the eye. "Go upstairs and collect
the remains," Ohm ordered Ogg as he pointed to the
upstairs bathroom. "Let's check out the kitchen next,"
suggested Billy. VAWOOMSH!

Cautiously creeping through the kitchen, the bounty
hunters noticed the strange candelabra. Ohm took out his
light beam and illuminated the table top. There was the








candlestick holder, only now, instead of candles, it was
housing Critters. The Critters were stupid enough to
think that the humans wouldn't notice them pretending to
be candlesticks. They were right. The humans would not
have noticed, but Ohm did. One well placed PAIN shot took
out the candelabra and the four Critters with it. Ogg
came rushing downstairs after having collect the evidence
from upstairs. He sighed in consternation as he realized
that he had yet more work to do. Ohm and the others
continued their Critter hunt throughout the rest of the
Peltzer's farm. VAWOOMSH!

Nearly an hour and a half later, they had completed
the sweep of the farm. All the Critters had been
destroyed and/or their remains collected. The search
ended where it had started for Ohm and Ogg, besides Rand's
body. "Well, you have all the Critter bodies and you're
gonna take your leave now. Aren't you?" Billy asked,
nervously. Ogg pointed his gun right under Billy's nose.
"Unless you're hiding out on us!" "Of course they're not,
Ogg!" Ohm corrected him. "Humans aren't that stupid."
Realizing that Ohm was right, Ogg lowered his weapon. They
turned to leave, but a large shadowy figure blocked their
way. A large form clanked into the room. I use the word
"clanked" because the being in question was half human and
half robot. VAWOOMSH!

Billy stared intently at the face of the cyborg,
partly covered with wires, plates, and servo-mechanisms.
"HEY!" he shouted in recognition. "That's Charlie! Isn't
it?" Mrs. Peltzer took a long look at the cyborg. "Yes.
Yes, I believe it is, although I'm not a real authority on
Charlie. I hardly ever paid any attention to him, unless
I was beating him for not working fast enough." "I
thought he was dead," Adam added, flabbergasted. "Who's
Charlie?" Kate questioned. "I AM THE ONE WHO WILL PUT AN
END TO THE EVIL ONES!" he said, pointing at Billy. "Hey,
hey, hey!" Billy protested. "I'm not the Evil One! You
are!" he shouted, pointing back at Charlie. "I've been
to Innesfree!" Mrs. Peltzer hung her head in shame.
VAWOOMSH!

"YOU DID THIS TO ME! AND NOW, I'M GONNA HAVE MY
REVENGE!" "But, Charlie, old friend..." Billy, seeing
his life in danger, tried to console his "friend." "How
could this have happened to you? I never meant- I mean,
I was only trying to destroy you emotionally like the
pitiful fool that you are. Tell me your origin." "WELL,
I'LL TELL YOU, FOOLISHLY LEAVING MYSELF OPEN TO A FRONTAL
ATTACK. I COULDN'T STAND IT ANYMORE BEING CHAINED UP
HERE. I THINK IT WAS STARVATION SETTING IN. USING MY








LAST REMAINING BIT OF STRENGTH AND SANITY, I BIT THROUGH
MY BONDS OF BONDAGE AND DASHED MADLY ONTO THE HIGHWAY.
OBVIOUSLY, AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY APPEARANCE, I WAS HIT
BY A CAR, AND I HAD SOME SLIGHT CORRECTIVE SURGERY." Billy
hung his head down in shame. "THE DRIVER OF THE CAR THAT
HIT ME SHOWED ME SOME COMPASSION. HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON
EVER TO SHOW ME COMPASSION." Mrs. Peltzer hung her head
down in shame. "AND I SORELY PAID FOR IT LATER. KNOWING
THE AREA WELL, THROUGH AN INCREDIBLE BIT OF LUCK, THE
DRIVER TRIED TO TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL... IN
INNESFREE. UNFORTUNATELY, BY THE TIME HE GOT ME THERE, IT
HAD BEEN MYSTERIOUSLY DESTROYED!" Ohm and Ogg hung their
heads down in shame. "HE DROVE TO WEST ADAM COURT TO TRY
TO CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE, BUT IT WAS MYSTERIOUSLY VACANT."
Adam held his head down in unemployed shame. "THE ONLY
OTHER HOSPITAL HE KNEW HOW TO GET TO WAS IN A TOWN VERY
FAR AWAY. IT WAS CALLED KINGSTON FALLS. WHEN WE GOT
THERE, WE DISCOVERED THAT THE POPULACE HAD DIED FROM A
MYSTERIOUS OUTBREAK OF PTOMAINE POISONING." Kate hung her
head down in shame. "THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER
CONSCIOUSLY DISCOVERED ANYTHING AS CHARLIE. I DIED.
LUCKILY FOR ME, MY SAMARITAN WAS AN EXPERT IN CYBERNETICS.
USING PIECES FROM A DISCARDED FACTOID, AS HE CALLED IT, HE
REBUILT ME INTO CHARCUTOUS, A BORG!" VAWOOMSH!

"My God, Charlie!" Billy gasped. "I'm so sorry!"
Charcutous was beginning to think that someone else was
actually showing him some kindness. He was far from
right. "Innesfree's gone! Now where can I get my weapons
from now on?" "Or our Mentos." Mrs. Peltzer added
grievously. "MENTHOS! MY LIFE IS IRREVOCABLY GONE AND
ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS AFTER DINNER MINTS! YOU FILTHY
SWINE, AND ADAM WEST! I WILL KILL THE LOT OF YOU!"
Charcutous raised up his proton beam appendage and fired
wildly above Billy's head. Missing Billy but taking out a
Critter that Ohm and Ogg had missed, Charcutous began to
give chase, before Billy and the others even began to run.
Seeing a metallic. monstrous locomotive of a man dashing
at them, Billy, Ohm, Ogg, Kate, Mrs. Peltzer, and a
slightly passing out Adam ran back up into Billy's room.
Charcutous ran up the staircase after them, causing each
step to collapse under the weight of his robotic body.
VAWOOMSH!

By now, Rand's spleen had processed all the Critter
poison from his system. Critter poison behaves much in
the same way as alcohol does. Confusion, paralysis, drool
inducer, hallucinogenic, expensive, quick. Instead of the
liver cleansing the blood though, the spleen does it. Rand
slowly revived with a splitting headache brought on by a
hangover. The loud explosions of the proton weapon didn't









do any wonders for his head, but the thunderous explosion
from outside really annoyed him. VAWOOMSH!

The humans, half-human, and alien bounty hunters
stared out of the window at the bright pink light that
illuminated the country side like a supernova sunset. "I
don't believe it!" Ohm cursed when he saw the source of
the sounds and light. "Hurry! We must get down there!"
he ordered, dashing out of the room. The others, even
Charcutous, knew that this new enemy was the one to be
dealt with. They fell a sharp ninety degree angle when
they reached the now non-existent staircase. Each one
extracted themselves from the rubble, although Charcutous
had a little more difficulty than the others. They
stopped dead in their tracks when they came upon the
groggy, shaky form of Rand. "Benito? Why'd ya' hit me?"
Ohm pulled his fist back, ready for another slug at Rand,
when the most shocking apparition that he had ever seen
from his myriad travels to alien planets came dashing
towards him. "GIVE ME BACK MY MOGWAI!" the old, Chinese
man's head demanded, hurtling through space towards Ohm.
Ohm screamed as he saw the body, arms outstretched and
trying to stay balanced without its head, come running
after its central command ( i.e. head ). VAWOOMSH!

"(," Billy began. "We have no time for such
tomfoolery! Take a look outside." After the head
re-connected to its owner, the imposing form ( just as it
was at the end of the last Gremlins: Rewritten story ) of
the old, Chinese man pranced outside to see what was the
matter. The others followed. There, towering over the
lot of people, was a titanic forty-five foot Critter!
VAWOOMSH!

"SO! THAT'S WHAT YOU FOOLS HAVE DONE WITH MY MOGWAI,
AS YOUR KIND HAS DONE WITH ALL OF NATURE'S GIFTS! You've
suggested it to terrible experiments to try to enhance the
evil power contained within it!" "But, (, you dope!"
Billy slapped the old, Chinese man in the face,
momentarily sending his head into orbit around his body.
"Look at it. LOOK AT IT I SAY!" ( tried his best to
focus on the creature, but it was a might difficult
considering that multiple images of the beast flashed
across his eyes as he spun around. "It may have short,
stubby arms and legs like Groucho, but that monstrosity
has quills and scales instead of fur!" ('s head returned
to its original starting position. "You named my Mogwai
Groucho and cross bred it with a Gremlin?!" he asked in
shocked disbelief. "How can they cross breed when they
reproduce by fire?" Billy argued. "I don't know how
you've done it, but you did it! You have no idea what you








are dabbling with! YOU ARE NOT READY!" ( leapt upon
Billy, grasping him by the throat and wrestling him to the
ground. As the rest of the assembled crowd stared on and
Ohm and Ogg placed bets on the outcome of the fight, the
mighty Critter raised his fists to the heavens. With a
foul burst of breath from his mouth, he roared loudly and
longly into the night, "I... AM... ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!"





This is the end of Critters: Rewritten IV \
Peltzers-Trapped. Remember kids, be like Billy; behave
yourself, don't bathe, curse gratuitously, work in a bank,
jocularly punch your mother in the mouth every morning,
shave your breakfast, eat your face, and be here for
Critters: Rewritten V \ The Last Critter.


Critters: Rewritten IV \ Peltzers-Trapped @1992 by David
Minter from the movie Critters @ 1986 New Line Cinema,
material from Critters: Rewritten \ The Setup, Critters:
Rewritten II \ The Hatchlings @1992, and Critters:
Rewritten III \ Escape from the Critters @1992 by David
Minter, and the concept of the Book and Record set @1984
Buena Vista Records.

Critters created by Chiodo Brothers Inc.

Critters @ 1986, 1988, 1991, 1992 by New Line Cinema.














 
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