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Text from 'The Princess Bride'



The Battle of Wits

<Westley enters a clearing. Vincini is seated by a rock with a knife
against the blindfolded Princesses's throat>

Vincini: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me... If you wish
her dead, by all means keep moving forward.

Westley: Let me explain.

Vincini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I
have rightfully stolen.

Westley: Perhaps, an arrangement can be reached?

Vincini: There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her.

Westley: Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an
impasse.

Vincini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically and
you're no match for my brains.

Westley: You're that smart?

Vincini: Let me put it this way, have you ever heard of Plato?
Aristotle? Socrates?

Westley: Yes...

Vincini: Morons.

Westley: Really? In that case I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Vincini: For the princess? <Westley nods> To the Death? <Nods
again> I accept!

Westley: Good. Then pour the wine. <Westley pulls out a small
cylinder> Inhale this, but do not touch.

Vincini: I smell nothing.

Westley: What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is
odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the
more deadly poisons known to man.

Vincini: Hmm!

<Westley puts powder in wine behind his back and produces the two
glasses again> Westley: Alright, where is the poison? The Battle of
Wits has begun. Its ends when you decide and we both drink and find
out who is right, and who is dead.

Vincini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I
know of you: Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into
his own goblet or his enemies? Now, a clever man would put the poison
into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would
reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly
not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was
not a great fool--you would have counted on it--so I can clearly not
choose the wine in front of me!

Westley: You've made your decision then?

Vincini: Oh not remotely! Because Iocane comes from Australia, as
everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And
criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not
trusted by me so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Westley: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vincini: Wait 'till I get going! Where was I?

Westley: Australia.

Vincini: Yes, Australia! And you must have suspected I would've know
the powder's origin so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of
me.

Westley: You're just stalling now.

Vincini: You'd like to think that wouldn't you?!? You've beaten my
giant which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the
poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I
can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also
bested my Spaniard, which means you must've studied--and in studying
you must've learned that man is mortal, so you would've put the poison
as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine
in front of me.

Westley: You're trying to trick into giving away something. It won't
work.

Vincini: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the
poison is!

Westley: Then make your choice!

Vincini: I will. And I choose--What in the world can that be?!?

Westley: What? Where? <Westley turns around and Vincini switches
goblets> I don't see anything.

Vincini: Oh well I... I could've sworn I saw something..uhhhh, no
matter. <chuckles>

Westley: What's so funny?

Vincini: I-I'll tell ya in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my
glass and you from yours.

<they drink, Vincini chuckles>

Westley: You guessed wrong.

Vincini: You only think I guessed wrong. That's what's so funny! I
switched glasses when your back was turned! Haha! You fool! You fell
victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get
involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is
this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!
aHAHAHAHAHAhaha! aHahahahaha! aHahaha--

**CLUMP** <Vincini falls over dead>


 
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