|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
A running story from Alternative Possibilities BBS
A SHORT ADVENTURE STORY WRITTEN BY A BUNCH
OF GUYS AT ALTERNATIVE POSSIBILITES BBS
(415-938-9656)
© Copyright 1988 (did we really wanna do *that*?)
Created by Tod Beardsley.
Edited by Tod Beardsley and SysOp Wilma Meier.
Once upon a time, in a small kingdom of San Francisco, there lived
a teenager named Jerry Relapse, and there was a mad run-on sentence
creation virus who struck me with this horrible disease. Anyway, he
was walking home from school (he was about 16), when a huge flash of
pink light appeared in front of him. "Holy smokes!" he shouted
(Actually what he said was censored, due to a family-oriented
atmosphere.) An ancient figure stepped out of the circle of light and
walked toward him.
"Jerry my boy," the old man said, "I have a mission <plot> for
you. I have lost an ancient amulet, older than this pittance of a
planet. I have selected you because the prophets of old have foreseen
your existence. You are not just Jerry Relapse, but Gerald The
WhoKnowsOr Careth.(This title obviously means nothing, the prophets
were pressed for a name, and by an odd coincidence, the syllables
forms a phrase in modern English.) (The prophets were also
drunk.....)
"My amulet was stolen from my family eons ago, and your quest is
to find it and deliver it to me at this address." The old man handed
him a napkin with writing on it. Jerry stared at the paper, now
completely miffed. The portal from which the man came to him got
brighter, and the man drifted towards it. Jerry snapped out of his
trance.
"Wait! Where is it?" he screamed.
The old man yelled, "It is in the far off land of what you know
as...
"Berkeley." (After all where else would someone live that goes
out in a poof of pink smoke?)
Jerry stared down at the address and recognized it as being around
9th and University, a seedier part of town couldn't be found. "Hell",
he thought, "If you can appear and disappear like that you could
certainly afford a better living accommodation."
Since he had not the slightest idea of how to go about finding
this amulet thing he resolved to go down to Bezerkley and look the old
jerk up. He walked down to Market and Montgomery and boarded BART.
As the doors slid shut a voice came over the PA saying ...
..."We have now banned all smoking on all BART trains. If you are
smoking please extinguish your ciggarette or you will be shot on
sight. Thank you for your cooperation." The P.A. clicked off and the
passengers were speechless. Jerry turned to the man next to him who
was rapidly putting out his cigar.
"They can't be serious can they?!" a bag lady excliamed. Jerry
felt faint and was about to keel over when the image of the famed Rex
the programmer appeared in front of him and said (ahhh the run-on
sentance virus) "Don't do it kid. You do it once and it seems cute
but it becomes addictive. Your friends pressure you to faint and you
do it. Then your hooked..." The face of Rex formed into Crime Dog
McGruff and he started singing,"Loosers are fainters and faint..."
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Jerry screamed and started running from
car to car,"Leme' out! I CANT TAKE IT!!!" Suddenly Jerry came to the
end and went barreling out the back of the BART (okay so the BART
doesn't have ends, just humour me). Stranded on the tracks inches
from the deadly third rail when he saw...
...a man balancing himself playfully upon the third rail and
moving towards him like a ropewalker. "MY GOD MAN!" screamed Jerry,
"You should be fried by now. That third rail is filled with flowing
electricity. why aren't you......" "Filled with flowing electricity?"
finished the man. "Yea" replied Jerry. "I'm half bird." "Oh"
thought Jerry, "But..." "I'm on here because you would not expect me
to be." "I..." stumbled Jerry. "You're not suppose to understand."
"STOP...." "Finishing your sentences." "Y..." "es." "S.." "TOP."
"U...." "uugghh." The man had now reached Jerry and promptly sat
down next to him on the first rail. "Why.." "are we sitting on the
BART tracks." "We.." "could be hit." "I'm..." "leaving." "No."
"going to sleep." "No." "going to cry." "No." "Well I give up."
"I'm..." "Going to kill me." "Well...." "It's a good idea. But.."
"It..." "wouldn't look good on resumes!" "Aaaah sh..." "oot."
"No." "ucks." "No." Jerry stopped him just before he was going to
open his mouth, "Don't..." "Say it!" at this Jerry , and the man
moments after Jerry started, screamed. Then....
...he said "Yup, right on time."
"What do you mean `right on time'," asked Jerry.
"Oh a little..."
"... ritual of mine," Jerry finished for him.
"Argh!!!!!! You did it to me! I can't stand that!
AAAAARRRGHH!!!" Suddenly the man began to melt. In second he was a
puddle on the third rail...sizzeling. Jerry was shocked and backed
away. Then he heard some rattling and clanging and a little robot
about 3 feet tall came rolling down the tunnel "Gubbert vav geekovist!
Mabert rwooga!!!!" Jerry look at the robot and noticed something
lights, big lights, and noise, lots of it, oh and the ground shook,
TRAIN! Jerry ran to the wall and pressed himself against it. The
trian roared past and carried the robot with it to its doom. A quick
flash of Rex went through his head as the train rumbled away. Once
more Jerry was alone, and cold in the tunnel when he heard the faint
"Fainters are loosers, and loosers are fainters..." Jerry ran like
the wind down the tunnel away from the sound only to find...
... an Orindian. The Orindian started to show in Jerry's eyes as
a faint light as he ran down the tunnel. At first he thought it was
the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. But he was wrong.
Almost dead wrong. This was no ordinary lighted Orindian but a blood
thirsty mad bionic creation. Jerry tried to talk to it. The scream
almost deafened him - then he realized he was the one screaming. The
Orindian's dagger like teeth were close to Jerry's neck when the
lights started going dim. Suddenly...
....A bloody arrowhead sprouted from the Orindian's throat. A
tall, dark, heroic type figure strode down the tracks, shouldering his
crossbow. Jerry, now crawling out from under what has become,
literally dead weight, splutters,"W wwhaa... Whho.... Ah, sh....."
"Darn?", answers the the tall, Dark Heroic type figure (known
herafter as TDHTF). "As to the 'what' part, we were told to watch for
you. The 'what' you just crawled out from underneath is a Orindian;
they're normal people who live in Borinda.... eventually the strain
gets to them, and, well, you see what happens... typical really...
striking at innoccent bystanders in the BART tunnels...." his voice
trails of, head shaking.
Jerry finds his voice; "What about the 'who' part?"
"Oh, that,"grunts TDHTF, wrenching the crossbow bolt from the
creature's throat,"I'm a Concordian Ranger. I don't know why we're
called that, but there it is. Anyway, our head "Accountant" promised
a savior to us who would need our help at first, but once he had the
sacred amulet, would save our village from the fearsome I'R-asS Beast.
Since I'm the chief Ranger, it was my job to come & get you." Having
finished wiping the blood & gore & other yucky stuff from his bolt, on
his pants, I might add, TDHTF points to the side of the tracks, and
says,"There's a ladder up to the maintenance galleries ove there.
Let's go that way, it's safer." (Obviously a victim of the dread
"run-on virus!")
Jerry, still bewildered, but NOT complaining, says "OK!" & starts
up the ladder. Upon reaching the top, he looks over the ledge and
thinks "Sh....Darn!" when he discovers he's face to face with the
dreaded......
...Urban Killer Raccoon. TDHTF says, "Whatcha waiting for? Let's
go!", But Jerry is paralized with fear. The Raccoon approches him,
teeth barred, then Jerry remebers somthing he heard in school. He
started humming the theme to Mr. Rodger's and the Raccoon put its paws
to its ears. This was a bad mistake, for on the palm of Urban Killer
Raccoon was a two inch long dagger-like claw for grasping victims. It
ended up skewering its brain and fell dead. Jerry emerged, looking
around. But he was not in any maintence gallery, but instead the
secret Bat-cave! "Wow" muttered TDHTF, "Hey, there's the Bat-mobile!
Let's go!"
They walked over to the car and got in. But TDHTF had some news.
"We have no keys," he said. "No problem!" Jerry replied. He went
under the steering wheel. Okay, he thought, it's the blue and red
wire... He connected them and there was a loud....
...fizzle. The red light above the cokpit barely made a full
revolution and glowed only dimly for a moment. TDHTF, seated in
Robin's seat regards Jerry, now crawling out from under the dash, with
a baleful expression. "Well," observes TDHTF,"I guess we know why
your in the 'Saving the World' buisiness and not the car theiving biz.
Hope you're better at saving the world."
I didn't ask for this you know," complains Jerry. "Now what do we
do?"
TDHTF climbs out of the car before answering,"We look around and
see what might be useful to complete our mission." And with that
strikes off into one of the darker portions of the Bat Cave. Jerry
shrugs and scuffles off in the other direction and finds.....
...a large pile of canvas with a bunch of scrambled steel rods
with a button labeled:"Push when out doors." He scouts around a
nearby coffee table and lo and behold, under a TV Guide is a garage
door opener! He picks it up and hits a button. A section of wall
opens up to reveal a sunny blue sky overlooking San Francisco and the
Bay Area. "TDHTF! I found our way out! He runs over to the door
carrying the bundle of blue canvas. In his excitment, he does not
notice that the ground goes only a few feet, then is a sheer drop-off.
TDHTF leaps for Jerry's ankles, and grabs on. Unfourtunatley, the are
both prisinors of momentum, and go barreling off the cliff. As they
fall, Jerry slaps the button on the bundle of canvas and POOF!
Unfolds in split seconds is a large hang-glider bearing the Bat
symbol. They catch the updraft, and go soaring high into the air like
a majestic bird... but Jerry's Converse Hi-Tops are now untied, and
TDHTF is slowly slipping off Jerry's feet...
Jerry continues to soar. TDHTF grabs Jerry's back pocket but
missed and gets a firm hold on his buttcheek. Jerry without thinking
swats at TDHTF's hand (visiting San Francisco a lot, well,
instict...you know). As TDHTF falls begins to change! Yes, he's a
were-ostrich, but being ostrichs can't fly he continues to fall...
The Falling TDHTF then turns into, yes, an ancient Roc (Republic
of Chintz) and not being able to control his new emotions attacks the
soaring bat-glider of Jerry. Jerry makes a quick starboard turn
followed by a barrel roll and in so doing manages to stall the glider
and begins a crash dive from 2000 feet up. Looking down with a lump
the size of an orange in his throat he thinks...
...Gee, I can see my house from here, Jerry muses while facing
death itself. He shakes his head to clear his mind, which is becoming
painfull since he is moving now a good 100 mph. He looks at the Roc,
and not knowing what one is, it just looks like a falling blob. So
Jerry wills the blob back into the form of a TDHTF, tatooing a small
trademark symbol so he won't change again. Now he has plummeted a
good distance. He noticed a pair of very thick gloves dangling on the
bar by his hand. Without thinking, he puts them on. TDHTF screams,
"Let go! Let go!" Jerry wonders why, but he sees a large kite racing
towards him. He lets go of the hang-glider, and grabs the string,
sliding down to a stunned kid, with TDHTF following behind, without
gloves. TDHTF starts screaming with pain, and Jerry can just barely
hear the kid say...
"Hey Mister, I thought I was supposed to go up, not you come
down." Jerry knocks the kid out of the way of a falling TDHTF and
face purple from a near apoplectic fit screams at the TDHTF...
"Wow! sorry 'bout that," Jerry says. "C'mon, let's go!" TDHTF
looks at his hands, which are torn to shreds. He starts moaning in
pain when the kid steps up and says, "Oh, you must be Jerry! Sir
Prise told me about you. You know, the old man?" The kid turns to
TDHTF and says "And your name is..." but TDHTF just falls to his knees
near tears.
"Oh, I can fix that," said the kid. He puts his hands on the
remains of TDHTF's and says "Wop bota loo-bop, a-wop bam BOOM!" His
hand glow a soft blue for a moment, and TDHTF's hands mold and shape
themselves into webbed hands like those of a frog. "Oops, sorry 'bout
that. I'm still learning. I didn't quite catch the name?"
TDHTF says "Oh yeah. Well, that's a closely guarded seceret, but
my friends call me TDHTF. Hey, who are you?"
The kid/wizard replies "Teedee-atchtee F.? Unusual. Well, they
call me The Kid because of my immiture looks. I'm acually 32. Well,
He sent you guys to find that amulet of his? Don't think you're the
first. I gotta warn you, no one has come back alive from this quest."
He suddenly brightens up. "Well, which way, folks? I suppose he gave
you an address? On a pink cocktail napkin?"
Jerry reached into his pocket and pulled out an entire sheaf of
cocktail napkins. "Bertha -- no, Mary Lou -- no, Oh, here's a good
one -- Janet Wright; you ought to see the way she". "No, stupid, the
pink cocktail napkin right there." Jerry pulled the pink one out of
the pile and almost dropped it while trying to fit the others back
into his pocket. "Well, I don't see anything written on this thing,"
he said when the Kid impatiently ripped it out of his hand and opened
it. All that TDHTF could see on it was a printed advertisement that
said "Wonessa's Body Massage -- 28 Flavors -- University at the Tracks
-- Berkeley". The Kid pulled out a magnifying glass looked through
it, shook his head and in a brilliant flash turned the magnifying
glass into a microscope. "Here," he said, "look at this." Looking
through the microscope Jerry saw
...a VERY large pair of...ummm.... Mamaaries? ... yeh that's it!
Anyway, The Kid snorts and points, saying "Not there, you dope, down
here!"
Meanwhile, TDHTF is eyeing the wad of napkins in Jerry's pocket
with the names of ALL those girls (California girls, no doubt). With
a sense of new-found & growing respect, TDHTF thinks "Perty good!
Especially for a Teen-ager. There may be hope, yet..."
Scanning down past the ..well advertisement.. on the napkin, Jerry
spots a verse:
" The Amulet of power is buried deep
within the heart of the mountain,
from whence the Diamond, Black and dark,
buried in the mines, forever, to keep."
Jerry looks up from the magnifying glass at The Kid with a
questioning look. The Kid shrugs and answers,"So his poetry stinks!
He does some first rate magic. What do you suppose it means?"
"Welllll," drawls Jerry, trying to sound sage while also stalling
for time, "I figure it refers to some local landmark. Not much of an
'address'. What d'you guys think?"
So anyways, Jerry and that TD guy take the Kid, throw him against
the ground, and asks, "When did you see him?" "Just 2 days, ago," he
said. TDHTF and Jerry discover that the Kid is lying, since the old
man died 3 days ago. They start to treat him roughly, asking him
whether or not he's a spy, when...
...the clouds break and thunder booms through the park. The Kid
rises above the two peasents and screams "You fools! Where did you
hear these lies?!" a force bolt darts out of The Kid's fingers and
fries a nearby squirrl. "Now, I will tell you, if you calm down." A
crowd is beginning to gather, wondering why a nine-year-old is
floating about five feet above the ground, persicuting innocent
woodland creatures. Suddenly, a voice from within the dazed and
confused crowd screams...
"Oh so you think your hot stuff, Huh!" shouts a scruffy street
artist, "But can you juggle?"
Jerry turns to the street artist and says,"Will you be quiet,
didn't you see what the little brat did to the squirrel!" pointing in
the squirrel's direction where a couple of Animal Rights activasts
were presently standing over the critter mumbling plans of another
sit-in. "Did you call me a brat?!" shouts The Kid.
"Uh, yea."
"Oh,"says The Kid, and at that he begins to inflate bigger and
bigger until The Kid is the size of a small blimp. Suddenly an
underground tunnel starts uprooting the soil and a rabbit-like head
pops up chewing on a carrot "Dis doesn't look like da Astrodome, real
grass. I shoulda taken dat left turn at Alberquerqe,"says Buggs
pulling out an oversized pin. "POW...Ssssssssssssssssssssssss!" goes
The Kid as he does loop d' loops and spins around and around in the
air coming to a stop about fifty feet up when...
...he fell! God, you guys are losing it! Well anyways, so it
happened. A waist high pig came shoving his way though the
crowd,"O.K., move along! Thats all, there's n-nothin' else to see!
M-move along! S-sorry for the inconvience kid! B-b-b-b that's all
folks!"
"Music...fade to black. CUT! Print that! Good shoot guy's.
Remember back here nine tommorrowwwwwwaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" "SPLAT!!"
"Oh my god!"
"What happened"
"A safe"
"fell"
"outa"
"da' sky."
"Music...fade to black! (I assure you this is the last time) Good
shoot! Guys, come on guys! It was my stunt double, Raoul"
A voice drifts from within the safe, "Where's my check..."
"Oh God, I quit!" says the TDHTF (a.k.a Harrison Ford)
"Wait!" shouts Spielburg,"You gotta wait for the flaming napalm
scene! I'll kill ya' off there, along with about 14 Star Trek
security guards, I promise!"
"What! You said he'd stick around the whole show,"says Jerry
(a.k.a River Ph oh I can't spell it! The big bird that won't die!
Arizona! Think!) as he starts wadding up the balloon Kid (a.k.a Gary
Colmen who went home an hour ago)
"Hey, somebody roll the credits!"
THE END
Cast of Characters (in order of apperance)
Jerry Relapse...................... River Phoenix
Sir Prise.......................... Patrick Stewart
Man with cigar..................... Biff Hendorson
Baglady........................... Lily Tomlin
Rex Hayes.......................... His twin brother Don
Crime Dog McGruff.................. Himself
Man on third rail.................. Paul Shaffer
Orindian........................... Zeek Philips (some nobody)
TDHTF.............................. Harrison Ford
The Kid............................ Gary Colmen
Scruffy Street Artist.............. Nick Tortelli
Buggs Bunny........................ Himself
Traffic Cop........................ Porky Pig
Steven Spielburg (1)............... Roaul
Steven Spielburg (2)............... Himself
Crew
Animal Trainers ................... The staff of Animal Crack-ups
Make-up ........................... (they did it themsleves)
Special Effects ................... I.L.M.
Talent Coordinator ................ Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
Stunt Coordinator ................. Super Dave Osbourne
Extermination Crew ................ Terminex
Hot Dog Vendor who used the street in front of our studio as a home
base .............................. William "Billy" Johnson
Dazed and confused crowd suppliers. The Dazed and Confused Crowd
Guild
Anybody else needed ............... Severe nobodys trying to earn a
buck
Buggs Bunny and Porky Pig are registered trademarks of Warner Bros.
Studios.
Batman is a registered trademark of Marvel Comics (I think).
Mr. Rodgers deserves no credit. He's a man who make-belives for millions
people! And gets paid!!
The preceding story was a work of fiction. Names characters,
places, and incidents either are the product of the authors'
imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual
persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental
IN DOLBY STERO
Real writers:
Tod Beardsley (me)
Tom Kunich
Jimmy Kelly
Mike Bowler
Ernie Bonacum
Tom Connolly
Dan Tuma
Thp thp thp thp thp thp thp thp "Sombody turn off that damn projector!"
thp thp thp thp...
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
