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cDc 200: The cDc #200 Higgledy Piggledy Big Fat Henacious Mega Mackadocious
by Swamp Ratte'
!
_
| \
| \
| | \
__ | |\ \ __
_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
| | | | / / | |
| | | |/ / | |
| | | | / | |
| | | / | |
| | |_/ | |
| | | |
| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
| |________________________________________________________________| |
|____________________________________________________________________|
...presents...
The cDc #200 Higgledy-Piggledy-Big-Fat-Henacious-Mega-Mackadocious
You-Can't-Even-Come-Close-So-Jump-Back-K-B00MIDY-B00MIDY-B00M File
by Swamp Ratte'
>>> a cDc publication.......1992 <<<
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
]PR#6
]
BUNNY F00-F00'S AE DISK
]CATALOG
C1982 DSR C#254
*A 002 HELLO
B 135 AE
S 097 AE.HLP
B 070 INSTALL
B 109 BDOS
*T 002 MACRO.LIB
T 002 AE.WELCOME
T 013 GERBIL FEED BOMB/F/SRATTE
]BRUNAE
ASCII EXPRESS "The Professional"
Version 4.20 © 1984 by
United Software Industries
AE: Term-->
ATZ
OK
ATDT8888414
CONNECT 2400
__ __ Heads up! It's:
|_ \ / _|
\ \/ /
\ / I R T U A L
\/
!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!
!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!
!!!! !!!! !!!! ! :! !!!! !!!!
!!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!
!!!! !! :!!!! !!!! ! : !!!! !!!!
!!!! ! !!!! !!!! !!!! !!!!
!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
!! ! !! !! ! !!! !!!! !! ! ! !!! ! !!
! : ! ! !! ! ! ! ! !! !
: : ! : : ! :
: : * ELYTE *
H0uRz: all of ETERNITY!
M00HAHAHA!
A Greater Cleveland Area Pirates' Guild WaReZzH0uSe!(TM)
L0rdZ 0f ANSI >>HEADQUARTERS<<
The Untouchable PC-Clone Mafia! The 16.8 Club!
DISTRIBUTE DIS, DISTRIBUTE DAT, INC. 0-DAY Lump of Wares Depository
Lord Digital Admiration Society Charter Member
Sysop: Lil' Bunny F00-F00
"i've got em all!!!1!!"
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Enter number or name or NUP
Name :Bunny F00-F00
Pwrd :66666666666
Enter remote sysop pass: 6666
Checking... OK
Welcome to VIRTUAL HELL ELYTE!
You are caller #12838, call #8 for today.
Auto message by: Hungry Hungry Hippo #112 (98 lines)
My hard drive is soooo big, her le
<< ABORTED >>
Name : Bunny F00-F00 #1
Time Allowed On: 99E99
Last On : 12/23/92
Sysop Is : ONLINE-REMOTE
You have 3 letters! Read them now? Yep
<< Read E-Mail >>
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[Numb] 01/03 [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Lord Digital #26 [Subj] HEYSYS0PIMUSTWARNU!
W0W, ELYTENESS, 1 M JUST 0VERWHELMED BY THE T0TAL ELYTENE$$ 0F 1T ALL.
N-E-WAY, 1 HAVE COME AS A SAVIOR TO YOU. *I* AM THE BRIGHT WHITE KNIGHT THAT
WILL CAST DOWN BIG DADDY, TV, POWER COMPUTER AND FREE HUMANITY FROM THE BONDS
THAT HOLD IT TO THESE MANIPULATIVE FASCIST FORCES THAT EXIST BOTH WITHIN THE
MIND AND WITHIN THE HEART.
I AM NOT THE LEX LUTHOR ON HBO
I AM NOT THE LEX LUTHOR ON T-SHIRTS
I AM YOUR GUIDE INTO *ELITENESS*. AS MOSES LED *YOUR* AND *JOHN MARKOFF AND
KATIE HAFNER'S* 4FATHERS OUT OF EGYPT IN2 THE PROMISED LAND OR AS GANDALF LEAD
MIDDLE-EARTH OUT OF THE HANDS OF EVIL SAURON (4 U WHO MAY NOT HAVE BEEN
EDUCATED IN YOUR HERITAGE BUT RATHER IN THE THEN CURRENT HIP CULTURAL
ELITENESS), *I* SHALL MYSELF VANQUISH THESE EVIL MENACES TO EARTH, AND THE
GALAXY AND UNIVERSE AT LARGE. THE BRIGHT SHINING WHITE OF MY ELITENESS IS FAR
MORE POWERFUL THEN THE "KNOCK DOWN THOSE WHO THINK WHO THINK THEY KNOW
EVERYTHING MENTALITY" OF MOD. NO, MY ELITENESS IS SO ELITE THAT EVEN I MYSELF
ALMOST BECOME FRIGHTENED OF IT, AS IF MY BODY WAS SIMPLY A VESSEL OF MY
ELITENESS THAT COULD EASILY BE DISPOSED OF BY THE SAID-ELITE AT ANY GIVEN
MOMENT.
YES, THE LAME MAY FEEL THE EVER-ENCROACHING FEAR OF BIG DADDY, TV AND THE POWER
COMPUTER COMING DOWN UPON THEIR L0ZER HEADS BUT YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE EVEN
GR8ER FEARZZZ OF THE *TRUE* ELITE, WHOSE ELITENESS IS SUCH A POWERFUL FORCE
THAT THEY ARE BARELY IN CONTROL OF THEIR OWN MINDZZZ AND/OR BODIEZZZ. AT LEAST
YOU CAN FIGHT POWER, AS I SEE THAT FOR THE GOOD OF THE WOLRD I MUST SACRIFISE
MYSELF SO THE UNENLIGHTENED SHEEP OF THE WORLD CAN GO ABOUT LIVING THEIR
PEACEFUL LIVES.
I COULD HAVE BEEN A GR8 MAN! YET, INSTEAD I CH0ZE 2 HUMILY GIVE IT ALL UP.
SOMETIMES I ASK, "ELI, ELI, LEMMA SABANCHINTICITI !?!@?#?!@?#?@!?#?!#!@?!?@"
(FOR NON-Y1DD1SH SCH0LARZZZ THAT MEANZ "MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU 4SAKEN
ME!!@?#?!@?@?!?#@!?@?!" BUT I AM NOT MEANING 2 IMPLY ANY STUD MUFFINZ BY THIS,
& NO NOT YOU, YOU EGOTISTYCALSWIN3ZZZ)
BUT I HAVE TANGENTIALLY BEGUN BURDENING YOU WITH MY 0WN DARK PHATE. I HAVE
C0ME 2 WARN U OF A DISTURBANCE IN THE PH0RCE. I PHEEL U WILL BE CONTACTED
SHORTLY BY ELYT3 P0WERZ U MAY NOT COMPREHEND!! BE ALERTIEZ!!!!
U HAF BEEN WARNED!
L0rd D!g1tal
KooL-RaD ALLIANCE!
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<< Auto Reply to Lord Digital #26 >>
Title: You suck.
Enter message now, max 4k.
Enter '/HELP' for help.
[---=----=----=----=----=----=----=----]----=----=----=----=----=----=----=---]
Get lost, r0dent. Bah hum-bug!
Bunny F00-F00!
Sysop of Virutal Hell ELYTE!
Ask me about cool macros!
/es
Saving...Reply sent to Lord Digital #26
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[Numb] 02/03 [Date] 12/24/92
[From] Swamp Ratte' #102 [Subj] djaf0jajkfj!
Hey - I uploaded some new not-yet-finished t-files. I'd appreciate it if you'd
take a look at 'em and lemme know whatcha think.
Thanks,
S. Ratte'/cDc
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[A]uto reply [C]ontinue [R]e-read [?] :A
<< Auto Reply to Swamp Ratte' #102 >>
Title: You suck.
Enter message now, max 4k.
Enter '/HELP' for help.
[---=----=----=----=----=----=----=----]----=----=----=----=----=----=----=---]
What are you doing, putting your stupid files on my hard drive? There could be
warez there, you shit! Fuck off.
Ok, *maybe* I'll look at 'em first... and THEN I will trash them.
Remind me to delete you.
Bunny F00-F00!
Sysop of Virutal Hell ELYTE!
Ask me about cool macros!
/es
Saving...Reply sent to Swamp Ratte' #102
<< Read E-Mail >>
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[Numb] 03/03 [Date] 12/24/92
[From] The Grim Eggbert #158 [Subj] BS/2
Hi there. Allow me to introduce myself. I was featured in the documentary
t-file "The History of Real K-K00L DOODS" (by The Edge) as a troubled
adolescent with some real serious problems. However, with a lot of self-
induced shock therapy I've mended my ways. There's nothing like having your
every character flaw pointed out in excruciating detail to make you step back
and say "Eggbert, you need a change."
Fortunately, those kind, wonderful folks in cDc SAVED MY LIFE! They took me
under their wing and taught me that with a lot of hard work and cash donations
to their group, I can be a meaningful person! They're also teaching me how to
be elite! Once a week they give me a "s00per sekrut mission" which usually
involves the acquisition of hi-tech equipment to further their wonderful plans
they have for the future of us all. They can't tell me these plans, you
understand, as I am but a cDc/WorkerDrone in the K-K0W F0RCE! and do not need
such information. When I succeed in returning back to my base with my job
completed they lavish me with praise and Hostess Fruit Pies like no mere
natural parent can! When I fail (c0w forbid!), they beat me severely and make
me wear women's evening gowns. I hate the humiliation. But I deserve it
because it's the only way I will learn to be elite. Daddy? Stop it. I love
you too, cDc. Please don't hit me again. Twinkie? They're having me do a
suicide run on a central office next week so I may not be able to call back.
Where's Mommy? Another part of my work for cDc is programming this new
operating system called BS/2. Thank you sir, may I have another? I feel so
groggy, and it's getting hard to see. They haven't fed me in a few days. I
am K-K0W F0RCE! and I can handle it! I'll kill them all. Daddy? I love cDc
with all my heart. What was I saying? The horror... oh my. I'm going to put
the info file for BS/2 next in my message so you can see how elite I'm becoming
and be proud of me too.
Here it is:
------------
cDc introduces the most VIOLENT operating system ever!
Welcome to a new era. Welcome to the next generation in operating systems:
BS/2
You're in a hurry, so you want PCs to respond faster. You do many things at
once and wish your PCs could too. You want software that's more powerful, but
also easier to use. You'd like more color. You're eager for your systems to
communicate with other systems. You want improved reliability. And you want
all this without obsoleting your investment in equipment, software and
training.
Well TOO BAD! STOP WHINING!
cDc brings you B0VINE SYSTEM/2, the fastest and most gut-wrenchingly powerful
operating system ever!
EUNUCHS, PMS, Mac System x, AmigaDOS, Windoze NT, etc... don't even think
about it! Give it up and GO HOME! We scoff! HA! All other operating systems
cower and DELETE THEMSELVES due to their incredible relative lameness! Check
it out!
Real multitasking! Hundreds... even thousands of processes all running
simultaneously in a non-stop BATTLE to the DEATH! The eventual winner
burns itself into an EPROM and REIGNS FOREVER!!
Over 500,000 levels of HIERARCHAL FILESYSTEM to be explored, complete with
hundreds of SECRET INVISIBLE FILES!!
An astounding 3-D GUI! Windows HURTLE open at BLINDING speeds to display
cracked glass, piles of oozing gore, and UGLY HAGS who glare at users
with the EVIL EYE! The GUI also features a mouse pointer shaped like a
BLOODY KNIFE! The scroll bars are covered with MYSTICAL RUNES! Every
file has TEN ICONS... but NINE of them are DEADLY TRAPS!!
AUTOMATIC DISEASE SIMULATION! Every week, BS/2 will create a new
VIRUS to PLAGUE your valuable files! Each new virus is MORE POWERFUL than
the last! Don't slack off... with BS/2, DOOM lurks around EVERY CORNER!
Virtual reality? OLD NEWS! BS/2 creates REAL reality with HIGH-SPEED
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES that ATTACK and DEVOUR the very MIND of the user!
The world of BS/2 will become your world too... AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!
------------
Well, do you like it? Does it make you happy? It makes me very very happy.
But only if cDc is happy!! I want to be good. Would you like me to upload the
beta version? Please?!
Sincerely,
Eggbert
P.S. What state am I in? What year is it?
Help me
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[A]uto reply [C]ontinue [R]e-read [?] :A
<< Auto Reply to The Grim Eggbert #158 >>
Title: BS/2, huh?
Enter message now, max 4k.
Enter '/HELP' for help.
[---=----=----=----=----=----=----=----]----=----=----=----=----=----=----=---]
Sounds cool, upload it!
What was all that other blathering about? I skimmed it, I don't like long
messages. Doesn't matter, just put up the file!
Bunny F00-F00!
Sysop of Virutal Hell ELYTE!
Ask me about cool macros!
/es
Saving...Reply sent to The Grim Eggbert #158
Delete mail now? Yes'm
[T:--][VHE:Main] :T
[T:--][Xfer:1-New Uploads] :N
<< New-Scan All >>
<< 3 New Uploads to 1-New Uploads >>
001. GRADSCHL.TXT :: Grad School and Automatic Weapons
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
002. MONEYGRP.TXT :: Money-Grip Box
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
003. COWBEAT2.TXT :: Cow Beat Issue #2
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
004. ENCBROWN.TXT :: Encyclopedia Brown Does It Again!
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
005. IRCMANUA.TXT :: IRC Manual For Love
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
006. KRADTHIN.TXT :: It's a K-Rad Thing
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
007. LIVEHOHO.TXT :: Live From XmasCon 1991
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
008. PROPACDC.TXT :: cDc Propaganda
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
009. REALPI93.TXT :: Real Pirates 1993
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
010. SUBURBAN.TXT :: Suburban Fascist Regime
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
011. TDETHCDC.TXT :: For a Moment He Smiled
Uploaded by: Swamp Ratte' #102 on 12/24/92
<< New-Scan Complete>>
[T:--][Xfer:1-New Uploads] :V
[File to view] :gradschl.txt
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Subject: Grad school and automatic weapons
Date: 3 Nov 92 19:22:13 GMT
Geek and weapons humor ripped off from DESPERADO.
It's common knowledge that whenever you get two or more CS grad students
together, the conversation will inevitably drift to the same topic: automatic
weapons. Lately, we've noticed that whenever we attend a CS party, picnic, or
bull session, we always hear the same questions and discussions, usually from
the younger grad students:
"I want to mount an M60 in front of the sun roof of my Tercel, but
the mounting bracket wasn't drilled for import cars. How did Josh
Bloch do his?"
"Some of my friends at the MIT AI Lab don't like M203's because the
grenade launcher adds too much weight, but I wouldn't have gotten
out of IJCAI-85 in one piece if it hadn't been for those 40mm flechette
rounds. What do you think?"
"Do you have to be a god-damned tenured professor to get teflon rounds
at this place?"
"Does the 'reasonable person principle' cover hosing down a member
of the Soar project after he's used the phrase 'cognitively plausible'
for the fifteenth time in a 20 minute conference talk?"
"Where *did* Prof. Vrsalovic get that Kalashnikov AK-47?"
"I used to use Dri-Slide to lube my M16. How come my advisor says
Dri-Slide is for momma's boys and Stanford profs?"
"Does the way Jon Webb keeps flicking the safety of his Mac-10 on
and off at thesis defenses make you nervous, too?"
In short, there is a lot of concern in this department for the proper
care, handling and etiquette of automatic weapons. So as a service to the
department, we are starting a two week daily series on "The Care and Handling
of Your M16A1." Every day for the next two weeks, we will post on the wall
outside our office the day's helpful hint on care and maintenance of that good
old departmental standby: the M16A1. Our thanks to the US Army, whose
training manuals we have shamelessly cribbed for material.
We would like to encourage other knowledgeable members of the CS community
to share their expertise in a similar fashion. There is a real need for this
kind of dialogue in the department. The new students come in here every fall,
and are totally unequipped to handle the realities of graduate student life at
CMU. Computability theory and lexical scoping are fine things to know about,
but they just don't cut the mustard when somebody from the Psych department
opens up on you with an Ingram set to full auto.
-the friendly automatic weapons enthusiasts of SkyCave1,
Olin, Derek, and Allan
Date: Tue, 26 May 87 09:55:15 PDT
From: jkhBERKELEY.EDU
Subject: Supporting one's opinion with sustained fully automatic weapons fire.
I had recent occasion to view your Presentation Announcement on care and
feeding of automatic weapons during lecture hall. I found it most amusing. I
would very much like to see and/or contribute future material.
We have similar problems here at Berkeley, though it has been difficult
to wean our students away from more the more mundane assortment of Browning
Hi-Power's, Beretta 92SBF's and Sig-Sauer P226's. The 9mm clique is pretty
strong here, and the young grad students fairly parsimonious. They tend to
balk at the idea of spending enough money on ammo to make full auto firefights
practical. Lately, they've taken to sniping at each other from the Campanille
tower and engaging in loose hit-and-run guerrilla tactics during finals. This
is obviously not the American Way and needs to be changed. While I've been
able to slowly wean them into more progressive arms (such as the Beretta 93R
and an occasional mini-uzi), I still can't seem to get past the supply problem.
My questions are:
"Do you buy your ammo in bulk, or do appointed individuals do shifts on a
progressive reloader?"
"Does the school pay for this?"
Thank you.
Sincerely,
J. H.
U.C. Berkeley
27-May-87 02:16 [email protected]
My reply to J. H. of UC Berkeley:
- - - - -----
J. H. -
Thank you for your letter. It was certainly interesting to hear of
conditions out on the West Coast. What can I tell you about the situation here
at CMU? I'm really glad I came to CMU. The faculty is absolutely first rate,
and they all take pride in their weapons skills. We are admittedly a pretty
opinionated bunch, which provides for many interesting interchanges within the
community. I, for instance, think the long barrel .44 Automag is more of a
fashion statement than a weapon, though you won't catch me saying that within
earshot of Prof. Fahlman. If you catch my drift.
I am very fond of Berkeley. I think that while LA represents the dark,
twisted climb-the-water-tower-and-start-shooting-until-the-Marines-settle-it
side of California weirdness, Berkeley represents the very best of the pure,
innocent-killer side of it all. The first weekend I ever spent in Berkeley
was in the summer of 1983. I was sitting down at one of those really
delightful cafes you have out there. To my left some old man was drinking
cappucino and practicing Chinese calligraphy; down the street some
undergraduates were engaged in a running firefight. I was taking it all in,
thinking that Berkeleians have remembered something about living well that the
rest of America seems to have forgotten; when this kid's stray .223 slug
shattered my glass of pomegranate soda. "Crazy undergraduates" I remember
chuckling to myself as I put the safety back on my Hi-Power and returned it
to its holster.
It seems a shame that ammunition is so hard to come by out there, though.
We are quite spoiled here at CMU. The departmental attitude towards logistical
support really crystallized for me in September of my first year. One of the
incoming first-year hot-shots had taken out Prof. Felton with a head shot from
500 yards. We were all really impressed, and I think it was generally agreed
that Felton couldn't have asked for a more painless, appropriate end. It was a
beautiful, almost poetic way to cap what had been a textbook career of
brilliant, original mathematical insights punctuated with outbursts of random,
deeply unhinged violence.
You've probably heard of Felton (National Academy of Science, IEEE Past
President, NRA sustaining member). My advisor told me later that Felton's
academic peak had come at that now-infamous 1982 Symposium on Data Encryption,
when he presented the plaintext of the encrypted challenge message that Rob
Merkin had published earlier that year using his "phonebooth packing" trap-door
algorithm. According to my advisor, Felton wordlessly walked up to the
chalkboard, wrote down the plaintext, cranked out the multiplies and modulus
operations by hand, and wrote down the result, which was obviously identical to
the encrypted text Merkin had published in CACM. Then, still without saying a
word, he tossed the chalk over his shoulder, spun around, drew and put a 158
grain semi-wadcutter right between Merkin's eyes. As the echoes from the shot
reverberated through the room, he stood there, smoke drifting from the muzzle
of his .357 Magnum, and uttered the first words of the entire presentation:
"Any questions?" There was a moment of stunned silence, then the entire
conference hall erupted in wild applause. God, I wish I'd been there.
But I digress. At Felton's funeral, our departmental chairman delivered
the eulogy. I'll never forget his summation: "Poor Felton. Published and
published, yet perished just the same." And that's the attitude that the
professors take here. As my advisor said: "The tragedy of Galois is that he
could have contributed so much more to mathematics if he'd only spent more
time on his marksmanship." The professors at CMU aren't in the business of
turning out effete researchers, aimed at the big industrial labs. They are
interested in training *real* academicians, suitably prepared for life in the
jungle of university-level computer science. And that means time spent
practicing our teaching skills and weapons handling *as well as* making
fundamental research contributions to the field.
-Olin
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[File to view] :moneygrp.txt
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It came to me suddenly one night... in a Taco Bell... the festering
remains of a beef burrito sulking in my stomach... the concept for the
ULTIMATE box... yes, the
$$$$$$ MONEY-GRIP BOX $$$$$$
(transcribed from a Mexican-food induced vision by)
..oooOO Count Zero OOooo.. *cDc* -=RDT
** special thanks to Kingpin, for good karma **
Think about it. Every "box" ever invented was based pretty much on the
same premise: how to get SOMETHING for NOTHING. In other words, to RIP OFF.
Well, taking this concept to its logical conclusion, we end up with a "box"
that simply CREATES MONEY. Yes, CASH wherever you need it. Not JUST for phone
calls, but for pizza, cigs, laptops, v.fast modems, parking meter fares, YOU
NAME IT. YOU DECIDE. The box... PROVIDES.
Of course, the electronics required to build this wonder have not been
invented yet, but I will try to explain. First off, the box must of course be
green. But not just ANY color of green. It must be MONEY GREEN. Maybe even a
picture of George Washington on the back. As for buttons, there will be just
ONE. A BIG, GOLD button in the center of the box... labeled "CASH." And when
pressed, the sound of cash registers will emanate from the unit - "Ka-CHING!"
I believe the main circuit should be a rectifier... to rectify the
situation in YOUR FAVOR. Many capacitors (the green, electrolytic type) are to
be arranged in a pattern on the PCB as such:
-|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C-
-|C- -|C-
Using a typical OP-AMP, you should be able to wire these caps to allow you
to amplify your NEED for CASH. Of course, be sure the entire circuit is
properly grounded. Otherwise, hundreds of dollars could be sent RUSHING
through your body by accident.
After combining the rectifier, capacitors, OP-AMP, and proper grounding
wires, you must 'baptize' the PCB with human blood. Find a small child, take
him out to Chuck-e-Cheeze, and when he's not looking, drain a few pints. Pour
the blood over the entire circuit. Take his lunch money while you're at it.
Next, you need an IC... but not just ANY IC... you need a chip of the
future... a FHSIC chip (Fucking Huge Scale Integrated Circuit). I can't tell
you exactly the specs on this baby, since my vision was interrupted at this
point by a hearty black-olive-flavored belch, thereby jerking me out of my
divine insight. I'll get back to you all on this one.
Once you get the FHSIC, just slap it in the box on top of the PCB. It's
an INTELLIGENT chip, so ya don't have to worry about pinouts and all that crap.
t'll know how to connect itself.
As for POWER SUPPLY, there's an ironic twist here. Note the following
equations:
Time = Money
Money = Power
Ergo, Time = Power!
(Note: all units are metric)
Since MONEY is POWER, and TIME is MONEY, well, the box will drain power
from the TIME CONTINUUM itself... and the translation of that TIME into MONEY
will be seamless. Equations don't lie.
Add the solid gold button (SPST switch) and a speaker (for the
"Ka-CHING"). Close the box, and secure it all with generous portions of CLEAR
EPOXY. Use GOBS.
NOW.the fun part... go to a payphone... place a direct call to Guam. When
the operator asks for money; close your eyes, push the gold button and chant,
"Mo' money, MO' MONEY, Mo' money". Concentrate on your NEED for $$ (coupling
to the OP-AMP circuit) and you will suddenly hear the "Ka-CHING" and smell
burning flesh.
Hovering six inches in front of your face should now be EXACTLY the amount
of $$ you need (in the proper denominations, of course) to complete your call.
Do this same procedure in ALL circumstances where you need money. Just be
sure to be out of sight (the appearance of floating cash tends to freak out
ordinary people). The box will ALWAYS generate EXACTLY the amount you need.
If you happen to get MORE money than you THINK you need, you were WRONG. The
box, since it gets its power from TIME, can predict the future to an extent...
and may generate $$ that you will need in the NEAR FUTURE *as well* as the $$
you need immediately. Do not be afraid. The box knows!
That's about it. Future plans for foreign currency are bouncing in my
head:
Germany - "Der MoneyGrip Box"
France - "Le MoneyGrip Box"
And so on....
Now, BUILD IT... and bask in your glory. Ta-dah.
..oooOO Count Zero OOooo.. *cDc* -=RDT
-EOF
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No. 2
COW BEAT is published now and then by cDc communications, PO Box 53011,
Lubbock, TX 79453. Copyright© 1992 by cDc communications. All rights
reserved. Title COW BEAT and the distinctive "Bob the Cow" logo are ours, and
we'll bust everyone's head who doesn't like them. All rights to letters sent
to COW BEAT will be treated as unconditionally assigned for publication and
copyright purposes and as subject to COW BEAT's right to edit and to comment
editorially. Any similarity between persons and places in COW BEAT and any
real persons and places is purely coincidental. COW BEAT's comments on
pictures, people, trademarks and/or copyrighted material are only its opinion
based solely on those facts disclosed. COW BEAT's use of such items is not
authorized by the persons named and/or depicted by the trademark or copyright
owners, and no such authorization should be inferred. All nude models are 12
or older.
Editor: Swamp Ratte'
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
Letters to COW BEAT!
Send us letters! Send us short stories! Send us pictures! Send us money!
Send us consumer electronics! Send us music! Send send send!
MAIL -
HEY COW BEAT!
I just wanted to write and tell you and your readers about cool, talented
and sweet Omega. Today in the mail I got a letter from Omega and a real
autograph! I just wanted to tell you that cute Omega cares!!
Omega fan in New York
Dear Omega Fan,
Lucky you! Omega reportedly gets some 2000 letters a week from
devoted fans. He must have to stay up nights just to respond to some of them!
Talk about writer's cramp! Thanks for writing in so we could share this with
our readers - boy, will they envy you!
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
Hi! I am 12 years old and my name is Nicole. I love your mag. COW BEAT
is so informative! There is one thing I would like to know. What is Lady
Carolin going to do now that she's written "Earth Goo?" Will she write
more files?
Nicole S.
Colorado Springs, CO
Dear Nicole,
Now that she's finished "Earth Goo" and her files have spread far and
wide across the planet, Lady Carolin has been doing what any superstar who's
just completed such a file would do - rest! Even while resting, Lady Carolin
has been thinking about new files and you'll get to read her new material which
is due out sometime in 1993!
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
I have dandruff in my eyebrows. I've tried dandruff shampoos, but they
haven't worked. How can I handle this?
Jennifer T.
San Diego, CA
Dear Jennifer,
What you're looking for is SANDPAPER. 'nuff said.
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
I love Tequila Willy so, so, so much! To give you a brief idea of my
feelings - I had a special sweatshirt made with Willsie's name on it, I created
my own Willsie earrings and every time I make pancakes, they spell out Tequila
Willy! My teacher even calls me Willsie! I hope someday I can meet Tequila
Willy and the rest of the Willsie family.
Debbie K.
Glendale, AZ
Dear Debbie,
Great! That's the spirit! Now, build a shrine.
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
I'm a 28-year-old guy, and recently I have begun stealing birth control
pills and eating them. They give me the weirdest feeling. I'm beginning to
think I'm addicted. Is there something wrong with me?
Todd S.
Terra Haute, IN
Dear Todd,
Man, that's pretty creepy. Maybe you shouldn't be eating those things?!
Yeesh....
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
I go wild whenever I see cDc files and this drives my family crazy! One
time, my mom caught me kissing printouts of your files; I was mortified! I
thought my face would be permanently red! Remember that I love all of you and
please, please, please come to Topeka soon!
Kimberly H.
Topeka, KA
Dear Kimberly,
A dozen of us are planning a visit soon, and we'll be staying at YOUR
house! Love ya, babe! xoxoxo
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
I'm in the 7th grade and there's this guy at school I like and he seems to
like me too, but once he said he didn't. My friends say that he really does
like me, but that he's too shy to admit it. I would at least like to be able
to talk to him like I do all my other friends. My problem is that i'm too shy
around him and I cant seem to start up a conversation with him to give our
friendship a chance. How can I start a conversation without being so nervous
and shy? This way, we could start some sort of relationship.
Chrissy M.
Austin, TX
Dear Chrissy,
Chrissy, Chrissy Chrissy. SILLY GIRL! Offer him some Kool-Aid and let
nature take its course. Then try some lines from Three's Company, it'll floor
him. Next....
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
I'm head over heals in love with The Pusher who wrote "Silent Applause."
He's soo cute! Last night, I dreamed we went on a date to the beach. He
kissed me and asked me to be his girlfriend. Oooh! It was awesome and soo
romantic! My goal is to REALLY be his girlfriend. Pusher, if you're reading
this, thanks for giving me such sweet dreams!
Pam N.
Tampa, FL
Dear Pam,
We sent your letter over to The Pusher, and he said he was going to have a
really SPECIAL dream about you, too! Lucky Pam!
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
I'm 12 years old and I have a big problem. There's this one girl in my
class who thinks I'm a snot. This girl says mean things about me to my
friends. Another thing is that ever since I got my hair cut, everybody seems
to hate me! Anyway, I don't know this girl that well, but I'd really like to
be friends with her. Help!
Mike T.
Durango, CO
Dear Mike,
She thinks you're a snot? I don't see the problem. Maybe you lack
resolve. Don't just let her think you're a snot, make sure she KNOWS you're a
snot. Ah, youth.
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
First of all, I'd like to say you're doing an excellent job of keeping me
informed on all the hot stars of telecom. I'd appreciate it greatly if you'd
please put a picture of this gorgeous, fine, and not to mention sexy, guy
Franken Gibe in your magazine. His eyes are to die for! Thanx!
K. Kurt,
Bergenfield, NJ
Dear K. Kurt,
Hmm. Well, here ya go. Knock yerself out. ____
/.@@.\
\ " /
\_u/
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
I am an eighteen-year-old high school senior and my older sister Tracy is
my disciplinarian. Tracy is seven years older than me, and I have been living
with her for the last two years while my parents are on a foreign-work
assignment. My sister is a Registered Nurse and treats me very well, but she
feels she has every right to warm my tail, as she calls it, if I disobey her or
misbehave. She doesn't give me a strapping, thank goodness, but her pretty
hand or hairbrush does plenty of justice to my bare behind. If I misbehave,
she will not hesitate to turn me over her knee, lower my pants and briefs, and
very severely spank my bare butt. It stings badly too.
The spankings stings, but the embarrassment of being over he knee with my
bare behind sticking up is worse. She frequently has her nurse's uniform on,
so when she puts me over her knee, my genitals cannot avoid rubbing on her
stockings. It's erotic, to say the least, and it's hard to control myself.
Steve L.
Cherry Hill, NJ
Dear Steve,
Wow. That's very special. Thanks for sharing.
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
What's up? My name is Jenny and I am 12 years old. I love cDc! I have
394 posters and 42 pins of them. I love Drunkfux. I have 220 posters of him
alone. My best friend, Michelle, has 394 posters too. She loves Swamp Ratte'.
She cries and faints over Ratte' like I do over Drunkfux. I love your nose,
Drunkfux, and also about 25 to 30 other things about you. Michelle loves
Ratte's legs, and about 20 to 25 things about him. We love cDc. I love love
love you! You're the best thing that ever happened to us!
Jenny S.
Moraga, CA
Dear Jenny,
That's pretty weird. Maybe you need a hobby?
--
DEAR COW BEAT,
Hi! My name is Nicky and I'm 10 years old. I like your magazine very
much, especially the Letters section. I truly love Obscure Images. He is my
dream guy. Please put more articles about Obscure Images in COW BEAT.
I hate New Kids On The Block, but I LOVE cDc!!
Oi's No. 1 fan,
Nicky G.
Webster, NY
Note: We get thousands upon thousands of letters similar to this one, and
I'm afraid we can't answer them all! But thanks for writing, all of you!
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
The COW BEAT News Pasture!
Last time Cultee COUNT ZERO made an appearance at a mall in Florida, 24
fans were injured due to their wild youthful lust. When he appeared at a
Washington mall, he had to escape in a laundry hamper! More recently,
thousands of screaming fans turned up at the Cambridgeside Galleria in
Cambridge and the Atrium Mall in Chestnut Hill in Massachusetts to get a
glimpse of their idols; COUNT ZERO, THE DETH VEGETABLE, DAVE FERRET, and WHITE
KNIGHT. This time around, the gals kept their wits about them and there were
very few injuries reported.
Before the Cultees arrived at the Atrium Mall, radio DJ Bob Casta reminded
the 5000-plus crowd to make sure they didn't push and shove in their excite-
ment. There were people on the main mall floor and even more people looking
down over the railings three levels high! At the Galleria, THE DETH VEGETABLE
and DAVE FERRET arrived on a police jet ski at the Cambridgeside Lagoon. The
gals started chanting "FERRET! FERRET! FERRET!" Pretty soon, hunky WHITE
KNIGHT and COUNT ZERO arrived too - by helicopter!
VEGGIE scanned the crowd and pointed to all the posters of himself and
other Cultees. "Next time, instead of buying those, give that money to the
homeless people of Boston," said VEGGIE with a sweet smile. "They're the ones
who need it. And please be careful and watch out for each other on the way
out." What caring superstars they are!
--
Okay, you work really hard to be successful, staying up until all hours of
the night writing files, modding your board, persuading the public you've
got what it takes, and then - boom - you're a sensation! Journalists
peg you for interviews and gals everywhere quiver in your presence. Add lots
of coffee and drooping pants to this picture and you've got G.A. ELLSWORTH!
Every morning, girls wait for him to come out of his house just so they
can touch him! Girls hand him love notes, phone numbers, cards, flowers and
other goodies. And, of course, G.A. loves it. What guy wouldn't love all that
attention?! But, he says, "It doesn't boost my ego. I'm just glad they like
my work."
--
Responding to allegations concerning their reputation as the GANGSTAZ of
TELECOM, an anonymous cDc spokesperson responds: "Sure, we'd bust caps on a
narc... but we don't support killin' nobody that don't deserve it!"
--
The cDc CULTEES love | |
