The Thorough Guide to Shoplifting

by Jesus Christ

Techniques of purloining items differ from shoplifter to shoplifter and depend greatly on what sort of item is to be unlawfully proquired. The three main approaches will be examined in more detail later, but preparation and the first stages of any simple shoplift however, should always be the same:

Preparation

Before you enter the shop:

I hope you're not wearing a bright red NY baseball cap with your Nike trousers tucked into your Reebok Classics. Do you have any idea how suspicious you look in a shop dressed like that? Anyone behind the desk will start eying you straight away, and also, you look like a dick. So first things first, wear something that isn't too conspicious. If you're on the way home from school, be extra careful, because wearing a school uniform into a shop is worse than carrying a big bag marked "swag". If you're good of course, it doesn't really matter what you wear, but until then try not to stand out too much.

Nice baggy pockets are good, you don't want to be standing there trying to wriggle the last inch of evidence all the way in. If you're worried, try it out with items at home first. Hoodies with pockets at the front are good for this, as are baggy jeans or most coats. And make sure you don't try and force it into one of those fake pocket things they sometimes get, if you try that then you DESERVE to get caught.

Right. You're dressed like a normal guy/girl and you're ready for some shoplifting. Do you know what you want? Don't just wander about looking for stuff to tealeaf, that's for school kids. Know what you want before you go in. Move on to stage one!

Stage one: Entering and scoping

OK, you just walked through the door. Look up, is there a screen there to remind you that you're on CCTV? Look for the cameras. Ideally, you know where the thing you want to steal is kept, but if you don't thats cool. It just means you actually have to look for it rather than just pretend to look for it whilst you scope out the shop. The things you should look for are:

Security gaurds: Does he just stay in one place or does he move about? Does he give you a funny look or just sit there waiting for his next donught break? Both most likely, because he has a shit job and probably looks at everyone like that. Don't let it put you off but do watch him out the corner of your eye to see how observant he is.

Shelf-stockers: These are quite a hazard actually. Most of them don't really give a shit if you steal something but if they see you they'll be in an awkward position and become quite unpredictable. You don't need to know their exact patrol patterns but just try to see where they're going and coming from, you can probably tell this from what's on their trolley but it doesn't matter that much.

Cashiers: Work out their line of sight

Security cameras: Obviously... some of them might be fake but do you want to take that chance? Most likely no one is even watching the screens but you can't know that for sure, and if you did get caught it would be evidence against you. So work out their line of sight too.

Mirrors, windows and "Staff access" doors: Yeh, some of those mirrors are see through from the other side. Watch out for staff access doors because you usually can't see people coming from the other side and you don't want someone to pop out on you just as you're busy pocketing something.

Other customers: Probably the least dangerous thing to look out for, most of them wouldn't say anything if they saw you rob something, but you never know. Work out what theyre looking for before you rob anything.

Stage two: Finding your corner

You've looked around the shop nice and casually as if you were just looking for the thing you want to buy, you know where everybody is, what they can see and where the CCTV (if there is any) is. Great! Now you know all this it's probably obvious where you can and can't put something in your pocket. Sometimes they'll be somewhere thats always ok, but most of the time the areas are on the move because it depends on where people are.

ok this is where the techniques branch out. Read on!

Stage three: purloining!!

When you see shoplifting on tv, the shoplifter always takes stuff straight off the shelf and puts it in their pocket. Thats just dumb. The basic principle you should employ is to pick it up like you're going to buy it, then wander off to one of your afformentioned corners and pocket it there. Before you do that though, remember to check for security tags. Obviously if you're stealing a Marsbar that's not really an issue, but if you're after CDs or videos its a little different.

Don't think that just having a tag on makes it unrobbable. Unless it's one of those chunky bolt on ones, or the sort you get on clothes, it probably peels off. Do this easily by wandering about the shop "looking for stuff" like before, just picking at it slyly with your fingernail. When you get it off, drop it somewhere inconspicous, or in another shopper's pocket if you have that kind of sense of humour. Be careful of CDs with no tag on, especially if there's no plastic film wrapping on them - this means there might be a tag on the inside of the case. Just open it up and check or put it back down if you're scared. If its sealed with plastic film, then most likely whatyouseeiswhatyouget because the cashier would have to open up the plastic to get at the tag otherwise.

Oo, and watch out for those sneaky tags that just look like stickers that say "thanks for shopping with us", if theyre bumpy or raised get suspicuous.

Anyway, after you checked it, you need to get on and steal it using the principle oulined above.. Here are some variations and augmentations, you'll need to mix and match them for the circumstances...

Straightforward: This is the simplest and most likely option. No one really cares what it is you've just picked up casually off the shelf (why would they?), you just wander off to your corner and pocket it. EASY.

Two items: People can see you, maybe the item you want is near the check out or in front of security gaurd guy or the cameras. Whatever, you think it might not go unnoticed if you wander off with it and then it's mysteriously gone. Solution? Take two or three of said item, or some different items, wander off and pocket the one you want, then bring the others back like you decided you didn't want them.

The bag: Great if you legitimately bought stuff earlier and you've got a carrier bag. It's easier to drop something into your bag (normally the hand you're holding the bag in is the ony you hold the item in) than your pocket. This is useful if you want to get something a bit bigger than pocket size, and also having it in your bag might even make it look like you bought it in another shop if you get caught. But don't count on it.

Stage four: The exit

If this is your first time shoplifting, you're probably sweating a bit now. Maybe your heart is beating loudly? Don't worry, no one can hear it except you. Calm down. Sometimes you might want to buy something little so it doesn't look like you just walked in the shop, wandered about, and then walked out again. After doing this a few times though, you'll realise probably no one pays that much attention anyway. So, walk nice and casual to the exit and into the street. Don't do something dumb like take it out your pocket and look at it, and you're home free.

FINAL POINTERS

1. Can't find that corner? Sometimes just turning around will do it, so your hand with the item is hidden from view. Try doing it walking between isles, these are usually CCTV blindspots too.
2. Sometimes the best place to pocket stuff is right next to a shelf-stocker or security gaurd, you just make sure your body is in the way or they're facing a different direction. Keep your enemies close.
3. Steal from Superdrug, K-Mart, or any of those coorporate giants, but not the local shop run by old Mrs Angel the 96 widow. Thats just fucking harsh. Use your powers for good... or at least, inconsequential stuff. Keep away from local business! If I hear about you absusing your new powers I will come and stealth attack you myself.
4. After a while you will develop nerves of steel. This is good, but don't get sloppy.
5. Dont steal stuff for the sake of it. Do you really want that packet of novelty glow in the dark condoms? No I don't think you do. Don't waste your nine lives on stupid stuff.
6. Stay cool.
7. Don't steal stuff to impress girls, even if it's someone as fine as Emily Kennard. If you try and impress people you will only end up looking like a dick, and you'll probably end up getting caught. Remember, be cool, don't try to look cool.
8. Security gaurds aren't cops, which means they can't touch you. Literally, they can't actually TOUCH you, that's assault. This doesn't mean they won't try, but if they do you can always resort to refusing to let them look in your pockets etc, but it'll take a lot of nerve.
9. Ethics are different things from social conditioning. If you feel guilty about stealing from old mrs Angel the 96 year old widow, that's guilt, if you feel guilty about stealing from K-Mart, that's social conditioning. Well, thats how it works for me.

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this guide because I felt like it. I in no way encourage shoplifting, and if you get caught don't blame it on me. You're the chump that went out and did it. Obviously, the penalties for shoplifting are potentially quite harsh, so think about that before you do anything stupid.