Being the Viet Cong

by Roachy McBong

Okay, it's summer, you and your friends are bored, there's nothing on TV, your PS2 is broke, and you're outta weed. What do you do, kid? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!

I'll tell you what you goddamn do! You don your black clothes, gather some supplies, and terrorize your asshole neighbors.

I. Gear

Some things are essential when you're fucking with people. For one, you should wear all black. And while we're presuming that it's night (and it should be), bring some flashlights along, too. Don't use them unless it's an emergency, but they ARE handy. Finally, a good sturdy backpack is absolutely essential. You gotta carry all this shit, remember. The rest of your supplies really depends on your personal taste. Be creative. Here are some suggestions:

PAINTBALL GUNS: If you have a paintball gun, the evening can become suddenly magical. A paintball gun - even just a crappy Brass Eagle Talon or something - gives you a vast tactical advantage. Not only can you use it to damage property and vandalize stuff, but if you find yourself up shit creek, it can quickly become your paddle - when being pursued by an authority figure, nothing makes them lose interest in the matter more than a few painful paintballs hitting exposed skin. If you've got twenty bucks, go out and get one of those kiddie paintball guns - the investment repays itself in satisfaction.

SPRAYPAINT: For when you want to leave your own special mark. Just make sure nobody's looking when you engage in your little bout of alternative art, because people have an annoying habit of calling the cops, releasing their dogs, getting a firearm, etc.

STINKBOMBS: Aah... never forget the classics. And who could forget the lovable stinkbomb, that immortal prank that did so much to get us through our middle teen years? Memories... but I digress. These are just perfect for open windows. If there's a screen, feel free to set the thing off right next to the window - some lucky wind and their whole house smells horrible. And if there isn't a screen, go ahead and throw it on in! Best if mixed with a hasty retreat afterwards.

ARTILLERY: My good friend Phil has had some interesting ideas involving home-made heavy weapons. One prototype he tried was basically a model rocket kit, except the launch pad was placed through a long tube, thus allowing it to be shoulder fired. It didn't work, but the design is sound. Viola! Your own RPG! Try packing the rocket's nosecone with match heads, I'll bet that'll really add to your enjoyment. Another cool idea was the pneumatic mortar - hook another long tube up to a pneumatic pump, and then prop it up with something. Now you can fire soda cans, like, a hell of a long distance. This would do LOTS of damage to peoples' property. We never got any of this shit to work, but hey, maybe you guys will. E-mail me if you have any luck.

II. Targets

Now it's time to figure out just what you want to hit. Maybe somebody pisses you off, and you want revenge. Perhaps you might enjoy a little field trip to your local school. Whatever trips your trigger, kids. If all else fails, random violence and mayhem devoid of socio-political context is always fun.

If you can, hit an area near a large wooded place, like a park. This gives you a sanctuary where you can flee to in an emergency, plus you can stash supplies in a nice secluded area. All great guerillas need a secret forest hideout, right? What the hell would Che Guevara be without a forest sanctuary, huh? He'd just be a dork with a Kalashnikov wearing a beret, and you know it damn straight.

Also, I would strongly recommend that you NOT hit your own neighborhood. No matter how hard you try, your parents or neighbors will always connect the dots. If they find out that a bunch of houses were vandalized in the area at 11 PM - precisely when you were out with your friends - you're gonna have some questions to answer.

III. Tactics

At last, we're ready to loot, pillage, burn, and rape! Well, no, don't rape anybody. But try to get a phone number or something.

Pile into a friend's car - or better, van - and drive out to your target area. Park the vehicle in a nice, secluded place and proceed on foot. DO NOT, under any circumstances, move in the open. Your best friend is the forest. Use it.

Carrying your equipment with you, move along just inside the tree line. Watch for houses with the lights off, or ones where you just can't detect any nearby movement. When you find a suitable target, get your paintball guns up and your spraypaint cans out, or whatever you're using. Then, when the time is right, strike!

From this point forth I'll be assuming you have a team of at least four people. Have one of your guys - one with a paintball gun - hang back and watch the perimeter, preferably from a high point. If trouble shows up, he shoots it and alerts the others. In this unfortunate event, the entire team should withdraw to the forest IMMEDIATELY.

While your sniper is in position, the rest of the team rushes into the enemy backyard. Quickly destroy anything you can get your hands on. Spraypaint is particularly handy here. IF you have some stinkbombs, ude those as well. Your goal should be to do as much damage as you can in as small a period of time as possible. You shouldn't stay in the yard any more than sixty seconds, or a minute and a half tops. Your mobility is your best defense against intervention, so don't linger. Once you've accomplished your appropriate level of destruction, withdraw to the woods. Since you're already getting the hell outta there, feel free to fire some paintballs at their windows on your way out.

Repeat this process with as many houses as you like. Remember - stay away from light, open spaces, and areas with a lot of people. Happy hunting!